I have tried for months not to post this question, but I can't help myself any longer!!!

[Enfyshedd]

AIBU to be getting fed up with DSS2 complaining that DD is "bullying" him?

For clarity's sake, DSS2 is 7yo, DD is nearly 14mo. Yes, 14 months.

DSS2 has a really annoying to me habit of sticking his face in hers all the time. I mean, less than 4 inches nose to nose close, then he complains that she pulls his hair, pinches his face or pushes him away. I tell him all the time to stop doing it because she will pull, pinch or push his face away when he does it.

He will take books that she's looking at out of her hands, then moan that she snatched the book off him (I'm talking about board & bath books bought specifically for DD). Another thing is him building towers with her stacking cups or mega blocks, then complaining that she keeps knocking them down/pulling them apart

He is currently lying across the sofa and complaining that DD is sitting on his head after he got on the sofa after her and slid himself down between the back of the sofa and DD (I'm acting as a barrier to stop DD's kamikaze dives off the sofa). This is for the second time in 20mins and on both occasions I've told DSS2 that he's the one who's put himself there and DP has told him to stop messing about and get off the sofa if he's going to scream "she's standing on my head!!!" when she was there to start with.

DSS2 was the only person in the house to complain that DD wouldn't bite him when she started teething (when she was happily gnawing on my nipples during BFing, DP's fingers and, inexplicably, DSS1's nose), and would try and shove his just been playing in the dirt outside and has to be reminded everytime to wash his hands after going to the toilet fingers in her mouth. Then when she obliged him by finally biting his finger (DP & I were distracted), he played merry hell for 2 bloody days about how much it hurt.

I'm fed up of the bloody whinging! She's a baby, he's 7yo and a big one who fits into 8 to 9 yo clothes at that, he should be capable of removing himself from or preventing these situations. He cries more than DD does FFS...

Sorry for making you poor souls who opened this thread read it, but it's really getting on my tits after months of this. Does anyone else have experience of an older sibling who will moan about a baby doing completly normal baby behaviour?

Honestly, you sound....not too nice.

You know all that normal baby behaviour dd is exhibiting? Well dss is exhibiting normal 7 year old boy behaviour. Why is it ok for one but not the other?

Does he get much time on his own with his dad?

Does he have any other younger siblings?

I presume you do still say no to dd when she scratches / pulls even if his face is in hers? I don't mean tell her off obviously but just recognise that she did it?

He's acting like a normal 7yr old IMO. I have a 2yr old and my 7.5yr old was the same with him even though shd also has a 5yr old sister.
The float between desperately wanting to interact with the baby to getting very cross when that interaction isn't how they envisaged it. That's just their age!

It sounds as though he loves her but is confused because she has
A) taken away some of the attention he used to get
B) she doesn't respond the way he would like because she's a baby and not another 7yr old but at 7 you forget this.

He's just a baby himself really. I understand totally that he seems so big and mature compared to your 14mth old but 7 is a difficult age because everyone expects you to act like an 8 or 9yr old when very often you feel like a 4 or 5yr old.

He's vurnerable and attention seeking. Perfectly normal at his age and with a baby in the house. Cut him some slack. He's so little still!

Physical size doesn't make any difference to maturity Enfy - I have a 5 year old who fits into age 8 clothes, he's the same size as his 8 year old sister with bigger feet, and heavier than her - he's just going to be a big adult, but it doesn't make him as mature as his big sister, nor should anyone expect him to be - he's 5.

On the other hand when your 14 month old is your first child 7 probably seems really grown up. In fact when your DD is 7, you will see that she is still just a little girl, as your DSS2 is just a little boy. Your feelings are understandable though and you shouldn't be flamed for feeling annoyed, but do need to deal with DsS2 calmly, remembering he is a young child and that he is not actually being aggressive.

It sounds as if your 7 yo DSS2 is a little bit immature for his age, and is jealous not only of his little sister, but also of the attention his step sister gives others - he probably adores her and wants her to adore him, that is why he is putting himself in her way all the time!

How much time are your DSSs with you?

You need to set firm boundaries (like the hand washing and not putting his face so close to hers - talk about personal space in general). However go easy, much as you want to protect your baby from what looks like a big grown up child - remember when your DD is 7 you will want others to remember she is still a little girl.

Finally my 5 year old needs 1:1 time with a parent sometimes - most kids really benefit from it. That means without DSS1 too. Could your DH take just DSS2 on an outing for a day or half day? Maybe they can also talk about he he feels about his sister? But even if not a bit of special time will probably help restore his confidence that he is still special to his dad.

My "big" 5 year old has a 2 year old brother who really does bully him btw - poor DS1 is so gentle with DS2, and DS2 is a wild and crazy little person who does hit and kick, although he adores DS1 - DS1 doesn't hit and kick back because he doesn't want to hurt DS2, but he sometimes gets so frustrated - he has to be allowed to express it and know it is OK to feel like that and that I am proud of him for controlling himself, and he has to see DS2 told off, and told to apologise, for hurting his much bigger brother, not have it trivialised.

Sibling relationships can be difficult without the "Step" aspect - which usually makes it even harder. Your feelings are not U but you need to deal with them as an adult dealing with a young child who is probably feeling a bit conflicted and vulnerable (my DS1 sometimes is almost in tears with frustration, saying "I really love DS2 but I really hate him and I don't know what I want to think!" - that can be a part of being a much bigger sibling when you are still little yourself!

I have a similar age gap between my DC, There's also 9 years between DS2 and DSS.

This sounds like typical 7 year old behaviour especially when theres an annoying (to them) toddler sibling getting in the way of what they want to do.

At 7, the world still revolves around them, they don't have the ability to understand fully and they still want attention too.

My children and DSS are all tall, the older two are a lot taller than the averages for their age, it does make it hard to remember that they are only little and it's only a short time ago that theu were that age themselves.

BeaWheest-You know all that normal baby behaviour dd is exhibiting? Well dss is exhibiting normal 7 year old boy behaviour. Why is it ok for one but not the other?

I agree 100%

My dd1 was 7 when dd3 was 14 months, and guess what dd3 was annoying - she sat on heads, pulled hair, occasionally bit, squealed,licked, wanted everything her older sisters had.

At 7, she just wanted to sit quietly and have a bit of peace didnt we all

If your step son was removing himself from his sister all the time, I'm guessing you'd be complaining that he didn't have any time for her.

As other posters have said - he's being 7, she's being a younger sister

I agree with pp who say he is feeling left out, and needs to feel loved, secure, important in the family. I have a nearly four year old ds, and when ds2 was born 10 months ago, ds1 started wetting himself, developed all these strange tics and would cry all the time. At first i 'didnt get it' and it annoyed me being tired with a newborn and all the attention seeking. but when it dawned on us, I felt so so bad for him and we showered him with praise and gifts (some from baby which helped), he helped with nappy and bathtime etc and slowly he was back to his normal self.
You say he cries more than the baby, could it be because he feels unhappy? Fwiw my ds1 is a sensitive emotional type, cries more than ds2, a whiner and whinger.. it is EXTREMELY wearing and a real test of patience, but you do realise these type of dc are usually quite insecure and need enormous amounts love and attention?

To try & answer some questions:

Yes, DD is my first, and will be my only baby.

DSS2 is very tall & strong for his age, but does seem to act immature compared to his peers that I know.

DD cosleeps and rarely sleeps before 9pm (and that's with no nap after she comes back from her minders at 3pm). DSS2's bedtime is 8pm.

DP has custody of DSSs - they spend 5/14 nights with their mother.

The comment about DSS2 still reacting to his parents' split - their DM walked out on DP & the boys 5 years ago. DSS2 has no recollection of his parents being together.

Their DM has only spoken to me by choice about 3 times in the 3 years DP & I have been together.

DD is told off for pulling, pinching, etc when she does it and it's her fault. Neither DP or I will tell her off for pushing DSS2 away when he's in the wrong.

I encourage DP to spend time with DSSs while I take DD off somewhere.

DP gives DSS2 jobs to do to help him look after DD when I'm out of the house. As soon as I'm home from work, I take over DD's care 100%.

His behaviour is just so wearing. DP tries to give him and his big bro as much attention as they always had.

Perhaps it's your attention he wants?

So that he feels just as important as the baby?

Posts like this make me feel so sorry for the step kids He's 7 fgs, the way you have written about him is horrible. How about treating him with a bit of love and spending time with him instead of treating him with such contempt.

Enfyshedd-my mum walked out on me when I was just 3. My father and step mum brought me up so I was in a very similar situation to your DSS. I don't remember my parents being together but I do remember a huge sense of confusion.

"Where is my Mummy and why doesn't she want me?' Is what was in my head a huge amount of the time. I just couldn't work out why she would leave me. My step mum was lovely but I felt I didn't belong with her.

Please cut your dds some slack-it sound like you and your DH are doing lots of good things with your DSS, but tbh no matter what you do he will still be confused. Your main concern should be making him feel wanted, love and secure.

(I'm 47 and am still affected by my mum leaving me. I'm thinking of having counselling about it, because I feel pathetic that at my age it still affects my self esteem.)

I'm a a different place from you as I've only 18 months between my kids, but to be honest we have similar issues in some ways. We've had to explain a lot to DD about how to interact with DS because she doesn't understand babies. Could there be something similar going on here? If he's been the youngest up till now, maybe he just doesn't know how to cope with her?

Could you explain to him that she's pushing down his towers because that's what she's supposed to do at that age, and that it's a great game for her? Maybe show him that she thinks he's great for building the towers for her? Show him how to interact positively with her in ways that entertain her and make him feel good. Make his new 'big brother' role sound heroic, and really pile on the praise for him when he does well at it.

We've been teaching DD (who's just 3) to hug and kiss DS (18 months) when he cries and it has actually really improved their relationship, she can see now that it makes him happy when she's nice to him so she's gentler all the time, and he thinks she's the bee's knees and follows her around, copying everything she does.

Sorry, meant to say that it does sound like he wants to interact with her, just isn't doing it in the right ways.

"DP gives DSS2 jobs to do to help him look after DD when I'm out of the house. As soon as I'm home from work, I take over DD's care 100%."

That reads like DSS has jobs to do with baby when he and DH are around baby, but once you are back from work, he is expected to be more "hands-off" the baby. Could you as well as dad, engage him more with looking after baby?

And the history and set-up you describe does make it sound like you are a very major and important person in his life -- he isn't a visiting stepson, this is his home. He's sure to need loads of reassurance that you still love and need him despite the younger sister. And he needs reassurance that she loves and needs him.

You need to be encouraging DP to care for the baby while you do things with them sometimes.
At 14 months you could get her into a bedtime routine and into bed before him to give him some time.

I think if you OP had been written about your biological child the answers would have been completely different, with your 'tone' being interpreted as normal parental exasperation.

His behaviour is utterly, utterly normal behaviour for an older sibling learning to accept a new baby to the family. It would be the same if he was your child or a DSS. I think the difference is your perception of his behaviour. If you were his mother you might be likely to accept him and love him regardless, perhaps you are finding it harder because he isn't. I would work on reinforcing your love for him, by demonstrating it and trying to feel it. He is only baby himself. Can you spend some alone time with him to show him how special he is to you? Can you make light of what the baby does while she is still learning to be like her older brother? Can you look through his baby photos with him and and get his dad to all through what he was like as a baby and discuss the funny things that he used to do too, to help him see how families and people grow. These are all normal things that families do to help little ones accept the new situation.

Hate to tell you but my DS1 who is 15 at the weekend still does this with DS3 who is 9. He does it when he is bored because he likes the drama and getting my attention. We are half way through the holidays here...

what do YOU do with him..just you and him op?

My husband isn't my boys dad but they're always off doing bonding stuff together..its what you do when you take on a family.

So when it's him and his father, he helps look after his sister, but as soon as you get home he doesn't? I wonder whether this is where some of the problem stems from?

Does he behave in a similar way when you're not there? Try to spend one on one time with your step son too. It is really important for you to give your time too.

He may possibly feel hard done by because his baby sister goes to bed later than he does, he could feel that she's more loved than he is.

He is a normal 7 year old boy.

O.P you don't sound like you love or like DSS2 at all. You have yet to say anything positive about him here.

As for "immature compared to his peers" so what? Different children mature at different rates.

"I really don't see how saying her 7yo DSS is big for his age is a dig"

Iif it wasn't a dig, why did she strike it through? I certainly took it to mean she thought he was fat.