I have tried for months not to post this question, but I can't help myself any longer!!!

[Enfyshedd]

AIBU to be getting fed up with DSS2 complaining that DD is "bullying" him?

For clarity's sake, DSS2 is 7yo, DD is nearly 14mo. Yes, 14 months.

DSS2 has a really annoying to me habit of sticking his face in hers all the time. I mean, less than 4 inches nose to nose close, then he complains that she pulls his hair, pinches his face or pushes him away. I tell him all the time to stop doing it because she will pull, pinch or push his face away when he does it.

He will take books that she's looking at out of her hands, then moan that she snatched the book off him (I'm talking about board & bath books bought specifically for DD). Another thing is him building towers with her stacking cups or mega blocks, then complaining that she keeps knocking them down/pulling them apart

He is currently lying across the sofa and complaining that DD is sitting on his head after he got on the sofa after her and slid himself down between the back of the sofa and DD (I'm acting as a barrier to stop DD's kamikaze dives off the sofa). This is for the second time in 20mins and on both occasions I've told DSS2 that he's the one who's put himself there and DP has told him to stop messing about and get off the sofa if he's going to scream "she's standing on my head!!!" when she was there to start with.

DSS2 was the only person in the house to complain that DD wouldn't bite him when she started teething (when she was happily gnawing on my nipples during BFing, DP's fingers and, inexplicably, DSS1's nose), and would try and shove his just been playing in the dirt outside and has to be reminded everytime to wash his hands after going to the toilet fingers in her mouth. Then when she obliged him by finally biting his finger (DP & I were distracted), he played merry hell for 2 bloody days about how much it hurt.

I'm fed up of the bloody whinging! She's a baby, he's 7yo and a big one who fits into 8 to 9 yo clothes at that, he should be capable of removing himself from or preventing these situations. He cries more than DD does FFS...

Sorry for making you poor souls who opened this thread read it, but it's really getting on my tits after months of this. Does anyone else have experience of an older sibling who will moan about a baby doing completly normal baby behaviour?

I think some of the comments that you don't like the boy are unfair.. you are worn down and his behaviour does sound difficult. I know from this that he wants attention/affection and the lad deserves it but he deserves some firm boundaries too. Like not taking things off the baby.. antagonising her.
I think you are very good to look after him when his own mother walked out and yet you are getting the digs.

I have no real advice except he will grow up and is only a little boy yet.

There's about the same gap between my kids (who have different dad's) and my eldest got like that from time to time, not so much now she's 4 and can understand the games hes trying to play. eldest eventually told me it was because he was jealous that she has, in his words 'a decent dad' and he was worried that my dh would love her more than him and he'd get forgotten about. He needed a lot of reassurance that dh was still there and still loved him, and a lot of bonding time just the two of them.

You've been with his dad since your step son was about 4 right? so he probably barely remembers a time when you weren't there and he's probably jealous of your daughter getting all your attention, spend some time with him, let him help you look after the baby and try and get some time with just you and him.

I understand that the constant whining and moaning is wearing whatever it is about. I think it will pass when your dd is a bit older and can play with him. I think in this situation you really need to treat him as your son not stepson. He needs a consistent mum in his life and you can be that. Instead of sending him off with his dad you can take him out etc. I know he looks massive next to his little sister but he's still very young.

Try to factor in 1:1 time with him - both you and his dad. He will be (deeply) affected by his mother leaving him, whether he remembers them being together or not. (no, not pathetic, excuse . Some wounds need professional help to heal)

I don't mean you and his dad together with just him - though that, too - but also you and DSS2 1:1; and dad and DSS2 1:1.

What do I do with him?

I don't have much time to do anything with him or DSS1 (14yo), because I don't see them. I work full time, DSS2 is usually out playing with his friends when I get home from work, and they spend 3 out of 4 weekend nights a fortnight at their mother's. DSSs also have another half sis - their mother's DD who is 4.

DP works from home, so he does the majority of the childcare. He does reassure me regularly that I'm doing a good job with the boys.

DSS1 & 2 also fight like cat and dog. DSS2 has had to be told on several occasions to stop swinging at his big bro when he's been carrying DD. DSS2's behaviour is the same whether I'm there or not.

I do try to involve DSS2 a bit, but it's things like this which get to me:
When I'm carrying DD in her sling to settle her and pacing up and down our very narrow kitchen (I'm trying to get her to be sleepy earlier, but it's really not working in this heat). DSS2 will decide to spring up behind me when I'm turning around to pull faces at DD. I nearly trip up over him at least once a fortnight and I'm worried about falling and either hurting DD by hitting her back against the countertop or on the floor with her underneath me.
DSS2 will try to do handstands on the sofa knowing that DD's playing right in front of it and will call her name which makes her try to climb on the sofa and/or grab hold of him (this is pretty much a daily occurance). DP tells him off every time for doing that, but he still still does it all the time!
Even my DM was shocked at the level of DSS2 sticking his face in DD's face - I met DM in town with DD a few months ago when DP had gone to pick up the DSSs and was coming to meet up with us. When they arrived, in under 10 minutes, DSS2 had his face under the canopy of DD's pram 6 times and complained each time about her pushing, pinching, sticking her finger in his mouth & fish-hooking him, etc.

When you're telling DSS2 every day not to do a particular thing and explaining to him each and every single time it's because he'll either injure himself or DD, break something, or just because it's really bloody annoying, it's just exhusting!

I agree with mrspaddy, some of the comments are unfair. I read what you said as you are stressed and fed up having to tell him the same things over and over, not you don't like him.

His behaviour does sound annoying OP but I'm not quite sure that there is anything you can do about it. He's not being naughty, just very annoying.

Maybe try and look at it that it his behaviour which is annoying, rather than the child himself. You want to prevent yourself from disliking him so that ultimately you and your DD have a good relationship with him. It is hopefully a stage, and he will grow out of it.

"As soon as I'm home from work, I take over DD's care 100%."

Could this the the key ? If you are making it clear that your DD is yours in a different way from the way he is it may be making him feel uneasy.

I suggest that your DP spends some time with DD while you spend some time with DSS when you are both available. If he really thinks of you as his mother then he may well be feeling very rejected.

this is all children IME.

all children are irritating, and all siblings arguments are tedious

If you had another child, theyd still be complaining about the same stuff, even when theyre older.

like my 12 year old going and sitting on the floor in front of the chair where his 5 year old sister is sitting and then screaming OMG SHE KICKED ME IN THE HEAD

well what did you expect?

Dont let yourself get wound up by it.

Definitely attention seeking. He feels jealous and put out. Do you try to make time with him to do stuff with just him now, or all is your time taken up by the baby?

To the posters saying that I seem to have nothing positive to say about him:

When I moved in, he was in a poorly performing school which meant that DP had a 25-30 minute walk each way to take him there. It was the school closest to where he & exW had moved to when they moved to our area (about 2 years before DSS2 was born). Over the duration of DSS2's reception year, I looked into the school closest to where we live (excellent Ofsted reports), started to encourage DSS2 to learn to read (he could only recognise about dozen words to read, and three of them were "Lego", Doctor" & "Who"), and encouraged him to hold a pen/pencil correctly to help him learn to write and to draw better (he kept using a fist grip).

Since DSS2 moved to the new school at the start of Y1, he's come on leaps and bounds. He's won awards for his reading this year (yr2), had a short story published in a collection of infant school stories from Wales & Northern Ireland, and had a starring role in last year's Xmas play. He's made loads more friends in his new, smaller, school than he had at his old school. He's a really kind, thoughtful boy whose won person of the week for his class 3 times in the last year. I'm really proud of him.

He's just so exhausting, especially when you've only had 7 hours of unbroken sleep once in 14 months, and you're normally operating on 5-6 hours of broken sleep on a daily basis (I hate teething - DD cut her first tooth at 17 weeks and is currently cutting her 4th molar and both top canines)...

DP has custody of DSSs - they spend 5/14 nights with their mother. The comment about DSS2 still reacting to his parents' split - their DM walked out on DP & the boys 5 years ago. DSS2 has no recollection of his parents being together.

But he could still be reacting to it. If watching you with his sister is his first experience of a mother living with her child, he could be feeling very confused about why his mother left, what that says about her, what that says about him, etc. He's possibly feeling confused about why you have stayed with his sister when his mother didn't stay with him. And spending time between two households is an upheaval even if a child is used to it.

He will have noticed when she left if he was two, even if he can't remember it now. And he had a couple of years to adjust to it being him, his brother and his dad and then all of a sudden, new mum, new sister, new life, new set of rules, he's not the baby anymore, he's seeing how a mother and baby relationship works and maybe wondering why his mum didn't stay like you have, perhaps wondering if you will leave like she did when your daughter is a little older.

Their DM has only spoken to me by choice about 3 times in the 3 years DP & I have been together.

These three years have given the boys a lot of change. Your daughter is a year and a half old, which means you must have been pregnant just about nine months after meeting their dad.

How soon after you met their dad did they meet you? This little boy was four when you came into his life, and in a very short space of time he had a new step mum and a new sister living with him at a time he might just have been starting to realise that his family a bit different to some others with his Mum having left.

It's bound to be a big adjustment to his life, regardless of what he can remember from before.

DD is told off for pulling, pinching, etc when she does it and it's her fault. Neither DP or I will tell her off for pushing DSS2 away when he's in the wrong.

I think you might still need to tell them both. DSS, stop getting in her face, DD it's still not nice to pinch people. At the moment you are teaching her that it's okay to hurt people if they annoy you.

I encourage DP to spend time with DSSs while I take DD off somewhere. DP gives DSS2 jobs to do to help him look after DD when I'm out of the house. As soon as I'm home from work, I take over DD's care 100%.

This sounds like there is still a division or split between you all. DP and 'his' boys, your and 'your' daughter. Can you go off with the boys and leave DD with their dad sometimes? Does DP take all the children sometimes? Do you?

It does sound like he might feel a bit excluded when you come home. Do you take over care for all three of them 100% or just your DD? Does your DP do nothing for your DD if you are there?

Can you not all just pitch in a bit with each of the children and let the boys help you both?

Perhaps if you leave DD to your DP for a bit and ask DSS to help you lay the table or prepare the meal one night and then another night ask the boys to entertain her while you and DP cook, then have DP and the boys get the meal ready while you and DD do something the next? Mix it all up a bit, make sure everyone is included in everything?

Branleuse - "like my 12 year old going and sitting on the floor in front of the chair where his 5 year old sister is sitting and then screaming OMG SHE KICKED ME IN THE HEAD

well what did you expect?"

Or when DSS2 screams 18 inches from my ears "SHE'S STANDING ON MY FACE!!!" when she was already on the sofa and he came over and put his head under her feet like this morning. Twice in ten minutes.

Do I love DSS2? (donning flame-proof suit for the reactions to my answer) I feel almost the same way about him and DSS1 as I do about DD, the only difference being that if I had to run into a burning building to save one of the 3 of them, I'd have to say it would be DD first, no questions asked. I've known the boys since very shortly before their DM walked out (I am not the OW, she had an OM), and I care for them a lot. I really have no idea about the whole gushy "love at first sight of baby" thing with DD because she was rushed off to SCBU due to not breathing, didn't see her for 4 hours and couldn't touch her until she was 9-10 hours old and moved to another hospital, so I just had an overwhelming fear and dread thing going on which I think I'm still getting over.

I don't understand why you allow him to get in your daughter's face. At 7 he can clearly understand that this behaviour is not on and you need to give him appropriate and consistent sanctions when he does it. He needs to be made to understand that meeting his needs and a 14 month old's needs are not the same thing and that he gets a lot of privileges as he is older but has commensurately greater responsibilities.

Can you not give him some responsibility for feeding the baby or helping to bath her. His behaviour is clearly attention seeking and needs to be knocked on the head. On the other hand, he needs to be made to feel that his input into the family is valued equally.

Not an easy situation but I think your attitude to him would improve if both you and your husband but a plan in place to both stop the behaviour but simultaneously give him something positive to do to boost his self esteem. We have a four year old and a two year old so I do get where you are coming from. I suspect they will all turn out fine in the end! :)

"As soon as I'm home from work, I take over DD's care 100%."

Could this the the key ? If you are making it clear that your DD is yours in a different way from the way he is it may be making him feel uneasy.

^ this ^

Instead of looking at whether ds has enough time with his father, think about the relationship he had with you too...

Also please take on board the confusion and upset he must feel with different children having different bonds and different levels of stability... It must be so hard for him.

Try and think of him as little still, you say he's big for his age, and I bet he seems huge and awfully clumsy/ scary around your new baby... But he really isn't big yet!

I have a nanny who I'm going to part ways with aA she cannot treat my 3 year old in an age appropriate manner. She has a 7 month old and sees my 3 yr old has huge and naughty and nasty... Which is strange as he's small for his age and exceptuonally polite and biddable. She creates problems by her inability to see him as a very small child who is not independent and not grown up... She expects him to amuse himself alone in the lounge for two hours at a time whilst she prepares meals. She then treats his behaviour as naughty when he cries as he's lonely or sad or can't open a toy or just wants to chat... She is cross with him and then he reacts back by angry crying as he doesn't u set stand why she's treating him like this. I come in at these points and could easily see a 'naughty angry child' had I not heard how it got to this. Or i come in and find him playing inches from a hot oven, or with strings pulled around hos neck when the nanny is cooking and supposed to be looking after him - then she tells him off as she thinks he should know not too and is being 'naughty' again. She cannot see why her own behaviour directly causes these problems, and persists in trying to treat my 3 yr old like he's 6 or 7. He will carry on acting 3 for as long as he's 3, no amount of telling off or shouting will force him to be something he's not. And she honesty cannot see that all she's doing is making him desperately unhappy by refusing to get down to his level.

The reason for my story is that she is stuck in first baby bliss and genuinely cannot see how continually expecting a 3 yr old to act in a way that 3 year olds developmentally just can't, is her problem, not my sons problem. I do wonder whether there is a bit of this going on in your situation too... if not in such an extreme way.

If this nanny was one of my sons main parental figures, I can see how he would be crushed and his behaviour become very 'bad' in a reaction to it all. Luckily I can fire her and find someone who interacts with him at the right level, and doesn't turn 3 yr old behaviour into his personal flaws.

But you can't dismiss yourself from the situation! And neither is your dss going to suddenly start acting like an older child as much as you want him too...

It sounds like quite a fraught and stressful atmosphere at home, I feel for you OP.

It sounds Luke there is something fundamental about the family dynamic that could be improved for all of you.

Have you thought about sitting everyone down over a nice tea and talking to everyone about the way you all interact with one another at home? That way you could ask them if there is each 1 thing they would like to do differently at home, set some ground rules and then have rewards for good behavior?

Just an idea really, him sticking his face in his sisters isn't on.

My 13 year old does this with her 10 year old brother "He's bullying me!" He's not, he's just being an annoying brother like you've been an annoying sister winding him up and then crying wolf when he retaliates.

There is less of an age gap between my kids but my son, who is coming up to 4, does a lot of what you mention (on a 4 year old level though, not saying your dss is behaving like a 4 year old!). It is hard, and I sympathise. I agree that he's probably jealous. I work full time too and know the feeling of being totally stetched trying to meet everyone's needs at the end of the day. Is there a way you could incorporate the two of them in an activity together? Could you sit with both of them and he could practice reading whilst she plays with the board books? Or could you ask him to make her a tower to knock over? Or something as simple as 'come and have a chat with me about your day whilst I give baby her bath' Just so that he understands your attention isn't entirely focussed on your daughter? On the days when he isn't with his mum could you take him out for a couple of hours, just the two of you?

Ps I'm not suggesting you just suck up his behaviour btw! Teach him positive ways to interact with the baby and immediate 'no's' for getting in her face, followed by sanctions of necessary. But don't think worse of him for being insecure and needing lots of attention, he is only 7 after all.

Do you ever turn the encounters into playful fun events instead of telling off every time? My friend who is a fantastic mum always deals with bad behaviour like that... for instance if her DS gets under DDs feet and yells about it she would say something like "yes, DD is a HUGE MONSTER!!" And do a monster voice and prob get DDs feet and pat them on DSs head and wriggle DDs toes into the crease of his neck and then point out that SHE was the monster and pretend to tread on both of the. So instead of a whine cry fest, she always has laughing happy children. With zero behaviour problems and they just don't cry or whine at all and don't feel the need to do so for attention. I'm much more of a get irritated and shout kind of parent, but I am trying to learn from her because everyone in her house is so bloody happy all the time!

It sounds to me like he needs a bit of mothering, and a bit of babyfying (is that a word?) as seeing you nurture your dd has probably unconsciously triggered a yearning for a similar experience and he can't remember what it feels like to be carried and cuddled by a lovely mum. Go easy on him, and take care of him. Also, I think 14 months old is absolutely fine to start teaching her not to hit or bite her brother!

My 9yo DD has been doing this with her 5yo brother for the last 3 years.
It is wearing, but it is gradually improving.
She wants my attention, she wants me to kiss her better and give her a cuddle, she wants me to tell DS off.
She pushes and shoves DS and says mean things to him - he reacts.
To be fair, DS kicks and punches her and destroys her belongings.

We are getting there, slowly, and the good times (when they work and play together) are wonderful. I am trying to leave them to work out the dynamics of their relationship without my sticking my oar in, but at the same time trying to dole out big heaps of love and attention to everyone - it is not an easy balancing act and it certainly doesn't help if one child regularly gets all the blame.

Shoot me down in flames here but... You sound to be in a complex and demanding situation. You are working (? Full-time), you are sleep deprived, you are parenting a baby for the first time, you are negotiating the tricky path of step-parenting and at least one of your dss's is proving to be a handful at present.

On top of this, this a crucial time, how family dynamics are set up now could determine how they continue for your lifetime.

I think that for the reasons outlined above, espec sleep deprivation, it is difficult for you to view your current situation with any sort of clarity or perspective. Would you consider counselling? Speaking from personal experience counselling can be life changing and can really positively impact on family dynamics. It could also give you a bit of space, for you.

Just saying.