I'm not apologising.
The DS is having a birthday celebration and is getting a gift of a wii game.
I have 5 DCs, four of whose birthdays fall within a four week period right at the end of school They have spent most of their birthdays in school. As they got older they often spent their birthdays either doing an exam or studying for an exam coming up the next day. The one whose birthday falls in summer has always got exactly the same kind of birthday treat everyone else has had - dinner of choice plus cake of choice afterwards. They have each received a gift from parents and from godparents and grandparents, when they were alive. Having five of them makes you focus on keeping it real, expense wise. Having a job means nobody gets to do much that is special on a birthday even if it falls in summer.
I have an ex who has provided exactly one pack of cards for the DCs to amuse themselves with when they visit. There is a tv and a dvd player but he uses those too. I provide the dvds and pack books and used to pack markers and drawing paper. I also pack clothes because exH doesn't keep any at his place because I can't afford to buy two sets and if it was up to ex he would trawl through dumpsters for castoffs for them. At one point I was doing this every second friday for four DCs.
Nothing exH does or doesn't do is anywhere close to abuse and though it pains me to see the DCs head off with long faces and come home hopping off the walls from drinking coke all weekend off they have to go every second friday, and it is up to exH to either speak to them or spend his two days with them on his computer or patting his dog or out running. All I can do is hope he come to his senses now that there are three DCs no longer in touch with him or visiting voluntarily, having outgrown visitation. If he doesn't, then he stands to lose the other two once they are old enough not to go. The DCs lose out on having a father who actually spends time with them and expresses an interest in their lives. But ultimately he is the loser because they do not want to share all of that with him. They have me at home and it evens out.
I suspect the DS here will decide to cut his dad out of his life if it becomes clear to him that he is a nuisance or that his dad is not willing to spend time with him. Up to then all Melons can do is hope things will change for the better and stand back. Bad and all as the dad sounds he is not abusing the DS here -- having a horrible, lazy personality isn't a crime. And he does have expenses coming up. Too bad he seems to be unable to pay attention to the big picture and understand all of his responsibilities, not just the most obvious, but for Melons the big picture has to mean letting that relationship develop however it is fated to develop and to offer a shoulder to cry on. Planting ideas will come back to bite her in the bum. She needs to play the long game here and not try to score points.
'well you have ds on birthday at last.doing anything nice?'
This is a tone calculated to put someone in the defensive and limit constructive communication about the matter at hand. It's a cheap shot.
Compensating for the deficiencies of the dad with material things or big days out is not a good idea either. I hope Melons is on her guard against that.