to be pissed off with ex and his pregnant missus?

[urtwistingmymelonman]

so ex and I have an eight year old son together who he sees every weekend.
they are expecting a baby together and so are my oh and I(bit Jeremy kyle I know!).
its ds's birthday in a couple of weeks and it will be falling on a weekend when his dad has him.
I presumed his dad would be happy about this and would be doing something with him as he has whinged for the last six years about how he never has him on his birthday and never gets to take him out for birthday either.
considering I have arranged and payed for trips to theme parks,animal parks,parties etc for his birthdays for the past six years I don't think this is a unfair expectation.
I have also arranged to take him and a couple of school friends out to the cinema and pizza hut the Friday before his birthday as my b'day treat to him.
however,son comes home last weekend and says that dad wont be doing anything for him on his birthday as pregnant missus doesn't really want to be on her feet much and cant go on rides etc.
im royally pissed off about this as I feel that that's her rigfht but why cant they go out without her?
it seems that since she has been pregnant ive had to pull ex up on a lot of things regarding my son being affected by her needy mood swings.
imten years older than her,on my second pregnancy and just getting on with things as normal.
very worried that ds will start to feel pushed out by them and new baby and also as a result may start to feel that it will be the same with my bubba too which it most definitely wont!

[LookingForwardToMarch]

Sorry to be blunt but yabu in the fact that it's none of your beeswax how they decide to celebrate his birthday?

It it bothers you that much, and you have a certain idea of what he should be doing (sounds like theme park) then you should have him.

Maybe she is having a difficult pregnancy and her man wants to support her?

And yes yes his son is important but the world will not end if he doesn't have a big party/outing for one of his birthdays.

I'm sure they will work out a compromise themselves.

[Cravey]

I don't get the parents should parent the same way thing. Dh and I parented in totally different ways. And we were together. No two people are the same. My boys grew up fine IMO. Op talk to the ex and find out what's going on but don't tell him what he can or can't do. That's not fair. I'm pretty sure he doesn't spend the week telling you what to do when you have the child.

[runes]

Yanbu!! As another poster has already said, now more than ever your dp should be aware that huge changes are imminent for your ds and he should be making every effort to ensure your ds doesnt feel sidelined by the new baby. Not making an effort for his birthday is not getting off to a great start by the sound of it. "Ducks" nailed it when she made the comparison as to how the gf would behave were your ds her pfb. What part of sitting on her arse eating an icecream whilst watching your ex and ds on the rides can gf not handle?

[SpecialAgentTattooedQueen]

Frankly any father who cannot be arsed to put on a party for his eight year old is a bit of an arsehole

^^

This. Though it doesn't have to be a party, six years of bullying OP for not having his 'D'S on his birthday, then announcing his girlfriend is pregnant so, no, sorry son just accept it seems particularly cruel to me.

Does the father have to have a cake that a clown jumps out of? (scary) Of course not!

However anyone who is saying 'well he's getting a treat from you OP so YABU' is extremely unaware of how children react. He's not stupid. He'll know he missed out because of his stepmother and sibling, all the father is doing is playing favourites and most likely causing resentment in his son.

Oh, I was a stepmother until I adopted DS, don't tell me playing favourites between a stepmum and a child's birthday doesn't cause hurt.

[SpecialAgentTattooedQueen]

I meant to say his father refusing to do anything special for his birthday unless it's something his new partner can tolerate won't go unnoticed by the child.

And yes, IMO it's favouritism of the worst kind and cruel.

[PrettyPaperweight]

If the son is disappointed/upset then it is the mother's business.

Ah yes. Those mothers who complain to the school if their PFB isn't picked for the part they want in the school play, who insist that PFB is invited to birthday parties, who insists on placating PFB every time a disappointment or upset occurs. What are they called? Helicopter parents?

The DS disappointment can be dealt with in two ways by the OP. Either a jolly "never mind, I'm sure you'll have a good time with Dad whatever you do" or a reinforcing "yes darling I think it's dreadful that Dad won't do what you want, how terrible".

I think the OPs ex was wrong to blame his DW for his decision - sign of a weak man who is not confident in his parenting; I wonder why?!?

[runes]

Or if her pregnancy would prevent her from making the effort even if it were her own child's b'day, why can't she sit on her arse in the house and let her dp spend some quality time with his ds before the new babies arrive.

And to the posters who are accusing the op of trying to dictate how her ex parents, she says that he has complained for years that he didn't get the opportunity to do the b'day celebrations before, but now that he has he won't because his gf is pregnant. There is no indication that the ex would have chosen more low key celebrations because of a difference in parenting styles.

[mrsravelstein]

YANBU ds1's stepmother has to be deferred to at all times. she doesn't like ds1 and his dad spending time on their own as she openly admits to being jealous. and when she was pregnant she frequently said she couldn't "cope" with ds1 having his usual visit, despite the fact that he's only there for less than 24 hours twice a month. there isn't anything you can do about it, and there's no point complaining, unfortunately, but eventually the child in this situation starts to realise who is behaving like a wanker and who is not.

[Dadthelion]

Why hasn't the Dad had his son on his birthday before?

[MissStrawberry]

I would be worried this was the start of the step mum not wanting the DS around much once she has her new baby.

OP - YANBU.

Your ex is being a twat or under the thumb of his wife. No excuse for not doing something for his birthday but is really mean to promise for years (when no chance of having to produce....???) and then refusing too when he has access.

[LookingForwardToMarch]

Shushhhh it's because all sm's are evil!

There are no circumstances in which an sm not wanting to do something with her sc is NOT a declaration of hatred and spite towards them!

[urtwistingmymelonman]

erm boredwench.if you had actually bothered reading my other posts you would see that I was going to test the water before going in head first to really see what had been said.
its clear from reading a lot of comments that some people only read(or hear)the parts that they want to.

[LookingForwardToMarch]

Ah Need yes, let us not forget that stepmothers only EVER have babies to...

A) make the first wife jealous

B) to replace the 'first' children, which the father will then want to abandon and love less. This can only be stopped by the selfless mother stepping in and nagging said father constantly.

Not that I'm at all bitter at how sm's are viewed by society...

[urtwistingmymelonman]

and for the record I don't think stepmums are evil.
I have had one for 28 years and I love her to bits.
to certains posters
please read the whole thread before commenting because the questions you are are asking have been answered in my previous comments.

[Boredwench]

I've 'bothered' reading your other posts alright....a nice little saga it's turning out to be isn't it??! By the vehement denials and defence of your opinion i'd say you've already made up your mind how you feel and this is all just an exercise in bolstering your opinion for when you 'test the water....ie educate' the ex....

Your kid will survive no doubt if something 'grand' isn't planned for the day, all the matters imo is the day is nicely marked by the childs father and step mom, for which you don't know yet....So this thread's all been a bit pointless until you've actually got something concrete to chew on isn't it???

[SpecialAgentTattooedQueen]

Dad shouldn't be forcing a family before the child is even born. Simple as that.

I don't know any eight year old that would truly understand waiting patiently for sibling to be born, mum and DSib to recover before he could celebrate his own milestones. Seems very, very selfish on part of the father IMO. Either he's a coward to put his son second, or he has unrealistic expectations of a child's reaction to a birth and expects him to not remember the forgotten birthday because they're a family now...

[urtwistingmymelonman]

I really think you should take a few deep breathes boredwench.
whats with all the double and triple angry punctuation?
im actually quite calm about the whole thing at the mo and will be discussing it in a chilled out fashion with my ex tomorrow.
why do you seem more angry about the whole situation than me?
very odd.....

[Mhysa]

YANBU OP, if his DF has been moaning about wanting him on his birthday, surely he should make it special. Your poor DS, must be a confusing time for him at the moment.
At least he has some time with you the day before. I'd feel like telling the ex, if your not doing anything for him, swap weekends.

[Mhysa]

And just wow at the aggressiveness from some posters this is why I never start a thread in AIBU.....

[SuperStrength]

Goodness, why do people post on AIBU? To prove they are right to a bunch of strangers, to let off steam or to ask others to help them see the other side of the coin...in this instance, trying to understand why dad is taking a different approach to mum.

I think lots of people have tried to explain why dad sees this differently

IMO what truly screws kids up is conflict between parents...over important things and trivil things. There's mountains of research that show how kids internalise that conflict & that it can have harmful effects on them.

In your shoes, if he were my son, I would want him to know how much I loved him & how special his birthday it is to me because it's the day i became his mum which is the biggest honour of my entire existence. If I could have a calm & rational chat with dad, I would relay any disapointment felt by my son, not to criticise...demonstrating understanding for the fact his partner is pregnant which makes it a bit more complicated, but so that he is warned & can adjust his plans if he wants to now that he has that information, or simply explain things to his son in a different way, taking into account his feelings.

I don't believe 'mums know better'. I also know that it's easier to influence people when you have positive, working together type approach...because they are more likely to listen to you & take your views on board, as opposed to working from an assumption of dominance with an expectation that you are more right.