to be pissed off with ex and his pregnant missus?

[urtwistingmymelonman]

so ex and I have an eight year old son together who he sees every weekend.
they are expecting a baby together and so are my oh and I(bit Jeremy kyle I know!).
its ds's birthday in a couple of weeks and it will be falling on a weekend when his dad has him.
I presumed his dad would be happy about this and would be doing something with him as he has whinged for the last six years about how he never has him on his birthday and never gets to take him out for birthday either.
considering I have arranged and payed for trips to theme parks,animal parks,parties etc for his birthdays for the past six years I don't think this is a unfair expectation.
I have also arranged to take him and a couple of school friends out to the cinema and pizza hut the Friday before his birthday as my b'day treat to him.
however,son comes home last weekend and says that dad wont be doing anything for him on his birthday as pregnant missus doesn't really want to be on her feet much and cant go on rides etc.
im royally pissed off about this as I feel that that's her rigfht but why cant they go out without her?
it seems that since she has been pregnant ive had to pull ex up on a lot of things regarding my son being affected by her needy mood swings.
imten years older than her,on my second pregnancy and just getting on with things as normal.
very worried that ds will start to feel pushed out by them and new baby and also as a result may start to feel that it will be the same with my bubba too which it most definitely wont!

[Boredwench]

Angry? lol....it's the internet, anything with punctuation looks angry if you want to read it as that. Cool as a cucumber here I'm afraid....

I've been between two parents most of my life, It's not an easy path to tread, I don't think you're going about it the right way and your predisposed to jump to the negative. Not my life though......

[urtwistingmymelonman]

lol mhysa.
I was expecting different opinions but some people on here seemed a bit full off hate:/
Im so not what a couple of people have misread me to be but oh well....

[urtwistingmymelonman]

so have I boredwench.
my parent split when I was four and ive had a lovely stepmum for 28 years.
on top of that I AM a stepmum to two teenagers.
and I have a son who has a stepmum so I have the experience of seeing things from all quarters.
you may have had a hard time growing up but my situation is not yours and im not your mother,
my son does not see conflict between me and his father and when we do disagree about things we talk it over calmly.
you have a very focused,narrow minded view.

[ShuddaKnownBetter]

I am stunned at some of the replies on this and the rudeness of some posters.
Of course YANBU. Of course it matters to you if someone has let your DS down, regardless of their relationship. People who are saying otherwise astound me.
When the DM of my DSD lets her down I am gutted for her....not because I have the slightest interest in controlling what my DH exW does, but because I love and care for my DSD and do not like to see her hurt. I feel the same way when anyone else hurts her or lets her down too. But when a DP hurts a DC it's so much worse. And yeah especially during this time of change for DS your ex should have a bit of cop on.

When I was pregnant with DD I made sure that DSD was included and went to lengths to make her feel loved. When I physically wasn't up to it I encouraged DH and DSD to go off together. Now that my DD is here I still encourage special time for DH and DSD and to be honest special 1 to 1 time for me a DSD too.
Your Ex isn't not arranging anything because they celebrate differently as some suggest but because his OH doesn't want to. Therein lies the big problem.

I wonder if you would have had these comments if you weren't separated. Being an involved loving mother doesn't mean you are bitter.

Maybe your Ex just isn't thinking. You seem to have a good relationship. Is this something you can casually mention? He may be gutted to think he disappointed his DS and may make plans?

Or could you swap days OP and have your DS for his birthday if your ex isn't planning anything special? Not the same I know but at least your DS may not notice the slight as much?

[AaDB]

Yanbu.

Your ds's father had said for years that her would love to do something special for his birthday. When he has the opportunity, he isn't going to push the boat out as expected. Your ex needs to fulfill his promises and your ds's expectations (which he has raised). I hope he has something ace planned.

[MissStrawberry]

I said "worried" not would be .

Newsflash - my posts are just an opinion not legally bound facts.

[urtwistingmymelonman]

shudda you sound like a lovely stepmum.
just like my stepmum is and how one should be

[gotthemoononastick]

Would it be considered goady to send a huge cream cake,sweeties and balloons with him in case there is nothing on his day?Married for donkeys years and have no experience of this situation thank heavens.Poor little chap.

[urtwistingmymelonman]

could do onastick.
maybe I should arrange for a few of his friends to go over too(without telling his dad obviously!) ;)

[gotthemoononastick]

Could turn into a lovely little party,untwist.(yellow grinface that I cant do)

[urtwistingmymelonman]

I cant do them either:/
I may even hire a bouncy castle to arrive there at six in the morning and turn up with my family considering im such a control freak.

[fedupofnamechanging]

This thread is mad! Can't believe that some posters are implying it is somehow the OP's fault if her ex lacks confidence as a parent, cos she's such a control freak, what with wanting to ensure her child has a nice birthday as promised by his dad. How very controlling of her to expect her child's other parent to actually keep his promises.

[PrettyPaperweight]

How very controlling of her to expect her child's other parent to actually keep his promises.

But that's the point; the OP can't dictate, influence or change how her ex behaves.

If he chooses to break promises, then she can't influence that and she can only do so much to protect her DS from that - not following through on a promise is not a reason to prevent a DC from seeing a parent!

Yes, it sucks. If the OPs ex is a deadbeat dad who fails to fulfil his parenting obligations then that's really hard for the OPs DS - but like a lot of DCs, he may well overlook the failings his Mum sees and adore his Dad anyway.
The OP could try and influence that based on her own feelings, or she could accept that Dad does things differently (including breaking promises) and allow her DS to make up his own mind.

[Oldraver]

In normal circumstances I would agree that OP should just let the ex get on with it and not interfere.

But she has said that the ex has been whinging for the last x amount of years about not being able to do something special for birthdays and now appears to of backtracked...so I feel she has every right to pull him up about it.

At the very least OP, when you have found out his version of events I would tell him you dont want to hear any 'poor me' whinging...ever

[Dadthelion]

Has he chosen not to see his son for the last six years on his birthday?

[urtwistingmymelonman]

dad.
on one of my earlier posts I said how he has always been huffy about the fact that sons birthdays have always been spent with me but I asked him on numerous birthdays if he would like him as he could take one of his holiday days of work but he has always refused.
so on one hand he plays the "poor me,never allowed to have ds on birthday" but everytime I offer hes refused.
when ive asked him before its been that hes saving annual holiday for other stuff.

[fedupofnamechanging]

Pretty I think it is instinctive for good parents to try and head off any situation that they can foresee causing hurt to their dc.

I couldn't sit back and say that my dc will make up their minds for themselves, in the long run - I would always do whatever I could to prevent them being hurt in the first place.

It is galling for the OP to have spent years listening to him whinge and then when he finally gets the chance to make good on all his promises, he cba!

[Fuzzygel]

I think initially it's worth pointing out that you've not really got the full story, I'm sure that if he's any kind of a father he'll be doing SOMETHING to mark ds birthday. Perhaps it's all a bit of miscommunication and really he's just told ds he won't be doing theme park due to pregnant dp, but perhaps is planning pizza and cinema instead.

All a bit of a mountain out of a molehill unless he really plans to do absolute nothing, which I doubt.

[PrettyPaperweight]

There's a lot of perfect parents on this thread - not sure where that leaves the rest of us!

Good parents do x, parents who care do y, parenting should be z and yet if everyone on this thread faced the same situation with their DCs, they'd all do it differently!

There is no right and wrong when it comes to parenting! Everyone does it differently and every parenting choice has a consequence - positive and negative.
The OP has made it clear that she offers contact to her DS Dad, who accepts or declines, it is not something that is mutually agreed and discussed. I don't agree with her choice to do that, but it doesn't make her wrong!

The OPs ex seems to have spent many years playing the victim and being unwilling to accept the contact the OP has offered on their DS birthday. Now Dad has what he says he has always wanted, the OP is pissed off because he isn't planning what the OP has delivered in previous years - which is what the OP expects him to do as she stated in her OP.

[ljny]

Actually, the ex 'has whinged for the last six years about how he never has him on his birthday and never gets to take him out for birthday either.

I don't think she's being controlling at all. Her 8-year-old son is disappointed, of course she's concerned.

It's not about what the op expected him to do, it's what he said he would do.

Sure, the kid will learn he can trust one parent more than the other. But it's very difficult to stand back and watch your child learn that lesson, especially when they're still so young.

[PlatinumStart]

Of course there are wrong ways to parent - suggesting there isn't is perhaps the most ludicrous assertion ever....

Right up there with the idea that trying to prevent your eight year old son from being let down by his father is "controlling".

[mathanxiety]

goodness why does son have to be stuck in doors on his birthday pandering to a pregnant woman. i wouldn't expect it of him so why should she?

This is from way upthread.

Since he is now 8 I think it may well be about time for the DS to start understanding that pregnant women sometimes need some consideration. You are not doing anyone any favours by being super-pregnant-woman in a heatwave here, least of all any future mother of your DS's children. It's not 'pandering' to understand that someone who is pregnant might not be up to a day out in a crowded place with dirty toilets and the sun blazing down, and nobody is getting medals here for being some sort of pregnant martyr.

An 8 year old could be expected to understand that someone else's condition was going to rule out a fancy outing for his birthday and could very well be expected to spend it simply in the company of his dad, inside or in the garden, without complaining. Maybe he could help his dad with gardening or car maintenance or something else domestic. In any case it is up to his dad to decide what the day will consist of and it is actually no business of yours at all what the dad decides. If you have done a good job of raising your DS then he will surely understand that a quiet time is going to be the order of the day this year and will be able to put the needs of another person ahead of what he might want, particularly as you are intending to provide a birthday treat anyway. You don't want to raise a child who thinks he is entitled to some sort of treat, or two treats,
regardless of what is going on in anyone else's life, or do you?

Your fears about him being pushed aside by the new arrival -- every child who gets a new sibling loses out to some extent in the attention stakes when a baby arrives. When DS was a baby he got all the attention due to him. Now it is the turn of his two half siblings. This is something every older sibling goes through and they survive. It is up to his dad to handle the demands of both of his children and his DP as he sees fit. A well brought up 8 year old is not likely to be scarred for life when adults have to devote time or attention to a baby. If your ex is a normal and in any way decent man then I think you should trust him to handle this without hurting his DS.

You keep on insisting that you are not invested in their lives but then you keep on comparing yourself favourably to the other pregnant woman [I wouldn't expect it of him so why should she?] and comparing what you have managed to provide by way of birthday treats to what the dad has done. What are you trying to prove? Are you jealous of the care your ex is giving to his new partner when he perhaps didn't do that for you?

You have no right to expect the ex to live up to your high standards of birthday treats. He has the DS for this birthday and though you may well be hurt on behalf of your DS that he will not be doing what you normally do, you need to see if the DS is upset before feeling anything about this yourself. I really think you may in the end see this as a case of you projecting your own feelings of disappointment at the big picture of your ex's approach to parenting, broken promises, etc., onto this one incident and the DS may not care much one way or the other -- he may well prove what a good mother you are by a display of generous understanding towards his stepmother.

Hopefully you are not going to complain about the ex to the DS. Hopefully if the DS complains you will remind him that you provided a treat and hopefully you will speak more kindly about the pregnant stepmother to your DS than you do about her here and will remind him that a husband taking care of his pregnant wife, taking her condition and her feelings into account when making plans is not the definition of pandering. Maybe the DS will be a husband one day.

[PlatinumStart]

Oh come on math only on MN could taking your eight year old son out for a birthday treat be interpreted as some sort of "high standard" it's not. It is simply what any decent loving parent does for their child unless circumstances dictate it is impossible, and in this case they don't.

There is absolutely no reason why stepmum couldn't stay at home and have a day to herself or they could do something more accommodating of her - cinema or bowling etc. but to do nothing? He is eight.

And I disagree, eight is too young to have to learn that two adults who are supposed to have your best interests are selfish bastards who cannot be arsed

[urtwistingmymelonman]

it always amazes me how someone can squeeze all that wrong information out of my op math.
what could be the harm of her staying at home for a while while dad takes son out?
is that REALLY too much to ask?

[PrettyPaperweight]

melon My point is, I don't agree that it is your place to ask!

I'd be (and have been) furious when my ex has suggested how I should spend my time/money regarding DD - he believes, just as strongly as you do, that I am upsetting her by asking her (for instance) to do chores in return for pocket money, or delay celebrating