to be pissed off with ex and his pregnant missus?

[urtwistingmymelonman]

so ex and I have an eight year old son together who he sees every weekend.
they are expecting a baby together and so are my oh and I(bit Jeremy kyle I know!).
its ds's birthday in a couple of weeks and it will be falling on a weekend when his dad has him.
I presumed his dad would be happy about this and would be doing something with him as he has whinged for the last six years about how he never has him on his birthday and never gets to take him out for birthday either.
considering I have arranged and payed for trips to theme parks,animal parks,parties etc for his birthdays for the past six years I don't think this is a unfair expectation.
I have also arranged to take him and a couple of school friends out to the cinema and pizza hut the Friday before his birthday as my b'day treat to him.
however,son comes home last weekend and says that dad wont be doing anything for him on his birthday as pregnant missus doesn't really want to be on her feet much and cant go on rides etc.
im royally pissed off about this as I feel that that's her rigfht but why cant they go out without her?
it seems that since she has been pregnant ive had to pull ex up on a lot of things regarding my son being affected by her needy mood swings.
imten years older than her,on my second pregnancy and just getting on with things as normal.
very worried that ds will start to feel pushed out by them and new baby and also as a result may start to feel that it will be the same with my bubba too which it most definitely wont!

Urtwisting hope the chat with your ex goes. YANBU to be pissed off if he does nothing and you've said you aren't going to go in all guns blazing. Some of the comments on this thread are . Clearly children should accept their birthdays are nothing special

YANBU. Your ex should be going out of his way to make DS feel loved, given that 2 babies are about to come into his life and he may well feel marginalised.

I would suggest to your ex that maybe you should swap the weekends if he doesn't feel able to celebrate your sons's birthday, and have him on a different weekend when he won't feel so disappointed at sitting in the house all day watching a woman being pregnant!

Like I mentioned befpre untwisting certain mumsnetters have a huge holier than thou attitude, but I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that if it was THEIR pescious little darling missing out on their birthday, their response would be very different.

My point was proved when I asked what they would do if it was them who was pregnant, their elder childs birthday and their husband. Out lf all the people who said YABU only one attempted to answer and then didnt even answer the actually question. My point was proved.

If I wefe you OP id hide this thread and move on, you have done nothing wrong whatsoever, and frankly some of the responses on here are quite odd.

melon My point is, I don't agree that it is your place to ask!

I'd be (and have been) furious when my ex has suggested how I should spend my time/money regarding DD - he believes, just as strongly as you do, that I am upsetting her by asking her (for instance) to do chores in return for pocket money, or delay celebrating my birthday until DSC can be with us as well. But, that's my choice - and if my DD spends the evening sobbing because I'm a mean Mum, then that's nothing to do with her Dad.

Your ExP is an equal parent in his DS life and unless he is at risk of harm or neglect, your attempts to influence their relationship is interfering.

No melonman it really is not too much to ask. I can't believe there is really a debate. If she is really suffering, let her stay at home and if she is having a normal pregnancy let her go with.

My point was proved when I asked what they would do if it was them who was pregnant, their elder childs birthday and their husband. Out lf all the people who said YABU only one attempted to answer and then didnt even answer the actually question. My point was proved.

ducks I'm sorry - I tried my best to answer the question but it was a bit odd; how can you compare the way I feel about my DH's behaviour with the way I feel about my ex's behaviour?

The point I made in my answer is that when parents separate their relationship changes - so comparing how together parents would behave compared to separated parents seems very odd to me!

It's interesting though - that you (and others?) imply that i should feel the same way about my ex's behaviour as I did when we were together; I've moved on.......perhaps that's where I've gone wrong, and I'm failing my DD by allowing her relationship with her Dad to be independent!

Independence is one thing, but washing your hands of it all US quite another. It is easier to say that ex's time is ex's business than it is to deal with the fallout of stepping in. But you don't stop being your child's parent when they happen to be with their other parent, so you have a duty to your dc to speak up if you think that parent is doing something that will harm the child - either physically or emotionally.

Now I agree that some people will try to control things that are none of their business, but in the OP's case she is really just wanting her ex to do what he promised and that is a reasonable expectation to have of anyone.

prettypaperweight I think the focus of ducks question was not your partners/exes behaviour but the behaviour of a pregnant woman.

The point being if you were pregnant and it was your older child's birthday you would presumably do whatever you could to ensure he had a great birthday. If this involved an uncomfortable traipse round an amusement park you'd suffer it and if you really couldn't you'd insist your DP took your son out and probably lay on an extra big cake and icecream for his return.

Hm well the wife sounds princessy. We don't do big things for birthdays here but we try to do something & you would think his father could think of some way to mark it. However, I'm not sure there's much you can do other than be there for your son though. I doubt your ex will see it from your son's perspective (or yours).

I can't believe the crap on this thread melon. Birthdays really are a big deal to little 'uns, it's their day, they count down the sleeps to it and get presents and cake and fuss, it's cute. It's not like your expecting them to take him to Disneyland for the weekend just make him feel special and mark his day YANBU.

Yanbu at all! Ds's dad should do what he said he would do, stepmum can stay at home if she doesn't feel up to it.

But the OP has made clear they her ex hasn't said he won't mark the DS birthday in some way - he's just told their DS that they won't be doing what the OP expects (her words) him to do......!

As for the expectations of stepmum - well, if she is going to be actively involved in the birthday treat for the OPs DS then I'm sure they'd be lots of posters saying how she shouldn't be there and she should allow her DP to spend time alone with his DS on his birthday - Stepmums just can't win!

Life is a lot more enjoyable if you lower your expectations (and teach your DCs to as well) Then they appreciate the nice things in life.
I spend time with DCs every day who don't have their birthday marked at all by their family - no cake, no presents, and certainly no treats. I suppose that's why I see so many of the posts on this thread as entitled - expecting a DC to have two birthday treats is just so contrasting to the world I experience every day!

Assuming that you have checked on whether there are any plans already, could you ask ExH to actually ask your DS what he might like to do? If his dream day is not an option, sympathise ('Oh, I wish we could but we can't, so what about A, B or C? Or indeed not ask in an open ended way in the first place?)

The other suggestion may be to see if ExH might get him a gift voucher for a day out, not necessarily an expensive one, and they could agree that they'd do that together on a certain weekend or holiday day in the future that they could put in the calendar, even though it can't be done on the birthday. All depends on how open to these suggestions ExH would be.

you have a duty to your dc to speak up if you think that parent is doing something that will harm the child - either physically or emotionally

I live in a world where emotional harm is a great deal more than making a DC do chores or failing to live up to a promise of a birthday treat!

which is why im going to test the water first pretty.
have you not read in my posts that I just think the day should be acknowledge and celebrated in some way?
doesn't have to be the theme park!
ive said numerous times im not going to bite his head off the moment he walks through the door and instead will just casually mention it.
if that is being controlling,involved in their lives,bitter and hateful towards stepmums then so be it.
cant understand why you keep banging on about the same old things when ive clearly stated a hundred times that it wont be like that and that is not the ways things have ever been between us.
and for the record I think its more his responsibility towards his son than any problem I have towards her(which is none).

The op only had expectations of what her ex would be doing for ds's b'day treat as he'd mentioned Theme parks and the like previously.I agree about lowering expectations to appreciate greater but I don't think expecting a day out with his dad as a birthday treat is expecting too much. As for two birthday treats that's par for the course with kids whose parents are no longer a couple usually, it's not the kids fault it's just logistics and circumstance.

Pretty, in my world breaking promises to children is harmful, if done for no good reason. As is making a child feel less important than a new partner and new baby.Even in households where the parents are still together, the arrival of a new baby has to be handled carefully. This child is about to get new siblings from both parents and already dad is making it clear that the new family takes priority, even on a day which should be about ds1

As for two birthday treats that's par for the course with kids whose parents are no longer a couple usually, it's not the kids fault it's just logistics and circumstance.

Not in my experience its not! My DDs dad goes OTT for her birthday and I leave him to it - she has a quiet birthday tea at home with me, I don't get involved in the competitive parenting malarkey! Many families just can't afford it anyway!

OP Your first post did imply that you expected your ex to do what you have done previously and as you don't know if he's going to mark your DS birthday in some way then (to answer your question) I think YABVU to be pissed off with him based on what you know. It gets easier the longer you've been apart - these things won't bug you as much

Pretty your dd does get two b'day treats though doesn't she? I'm sure that you make an effort to make her quiet b'day tea really special.

Melon has stated repeatedly that she's not pissed off, she's just hoping that after all the years of her ex complaining that he never had ds on his actual B'day that he isn't going to use his pregnant dp as an excuse not to take him out. This is a big year for her ds, he is gaining 2 new siblings, she wants to ensure that he feels loved and important in both of his families.

Melon has stated repeatedly that she's not pissed off

Um - really? Have you seem the thread title and the OP? She's not just pissed off she's "royally pissed off"!

If, of course, that means something totally different in MN speak then I'm sorry I don't know all the nuances

yes and I also realised early on in this thread that maybe I was over reacting slightly and would find out the facts for myself when the time comes.
im not the first person in the world to think maybe I was being a bit hasty and ive calmed down since then.
would be lovely to be as perfect as some posters on here eh?

and my op didn't imply that I expected him to do something identical to me.
but everyone reads things differently I suppose.

and we have been apart for six years and he really doesn't bug me that much but you know me better that I know myself apparently.

so it does

What I meant was she's not on the warpath, she's just going to gently make enquiries with ex about b'day plans

Op I am a little confused. In your original post you said " and it will be falling on a weekend when his dad has him. I presumed his dad would be happy about this and would be doing something with him and would be doing something with him as he has whinged for the last six years about how he never has him on his birthday and never gets to take him out for birthday either."

So you only presumed his father would do something and he has complained the last six years because he has not had him on his birthday.

But much later on after people criticised you, you the said his father had promised for the last couple of years to take him out and promised this year.

Maybe I am missing something but surely both of these statements can not be true? Either he has not had him last six years and has been complaining about that and he just presumed he would do this year or he has been promising to take him out and failed to so last six years and this year.