to get annoyed when DH speaks like this to waitresses, air hostesses, call centre/marketing women in front of me

[sodeveryone]

Example of a recent phonecall about his mortgage of which I only heard one end:

WHere are you from? Let me guess from your accent?

You sound irish, I bet you're Irish

No it's a very nice, very beautiful combination of features - freckles, pale and your accent sounds northern Irish. Where are you based? Ah I love Belfast.

to the girl behind a bar in New York a few months ago:

You have amazing colouring where are you from?

Oh really? I guessed from the colour of your eyes, they're hazel right?

(she leans in close to his face and says "no they're green")

DH: Oh I get it now, green eyes, black hair, that's very rare

(Turns to me and affirms) That's very rare you know!

The girl behind the bar clearly enjoyed the attention. It probably makes a huge difference if he is attractive.

The men I know who talk like this are all cheats... I'd be concerned if I were you

I've found the same, Bumgrapes. And having been on the receiving end of such 'compliments' I've never been flattered by them.

I used to work in bars/restaurants, and men would say things about my appearence, and it is sleazy. If they want to pay compliments, they could say 'I enjoyed that meal/cocktail/this bar has a nice atmosphere r even if they have had some conversation 'nice talking with you.'

They do it on appearence, because it exploits the fact that any redress is virtually impossible, and a stony silence or a glare is hard to do and remain serving in the polite and friendly manner required. It is undermining.

OP, you need to tell your dh you don't like it, and the chances are high the women don't like it. The only acceptable response from him is 'OMG, thanks for telling me....I'll not do it any more, I didn't realise.'

If he scoffs, if he continues doing it, if he insists 'but they like it', then you know a little bit more about him than you did before, and that is always useful.

bumgrapes best user name ever!

I had an ex exactly like this...

He's not a gynaecologist is he?

I swear to God my ex was a "ladies man" and a "ladies Dr"

He was attractive, overconfident and charming. Deep down though he fundamentally really distrusted and disliked women.

He used to do exactly the same thing, play up to bar staff and waitresses and leave me sitting there like a patsy. It was so infuriating and humiliating but I was only mid twenties at the time, had pretty poor self esteem and so didn't quite know how to handle it, convinced myself I was over reacting.

He also used to talk badly about female anatomy, ie vaginas were "dirty" and

God, I'm so glad he's an ex. Even though we've been apart for about 10 years it hasn't stopped him trying to friend me on facebook or sending me teasing suggestive texts which I have ignored.

And I know he's married now with I think two small sons

YABU OP. He's clearly a real catch. Enjoy being married to such a delightful charmer, you lucky thing you.

nutcracker - did he ever try papering the hallway through the letter box?

ComposHat what does that mean?

Is that a euphemism for something sexual?

Sorry, I am being a bit thick probably ...

Although my self esteem is generally better these days!

No it is a very old gag: did you hear about the gynaecologist? he was good he managed too wallpaper his hallway through the letterbox.

My granddad told it me when my gran was having a hysterectomy.

ComposHat

Funny what others find offensive.
My dh has the best taste in clothes. And has been known to pick out some lovely dresses for me, that have been complimeted year -on-year.

When all the 'ladies' came round to outr house initially, for my 40th, they were gretted my my dh, offered a drink, told how lovely they were looking (he knows some of them before I even knew them) .
I dred to think that anyone would think he was SLEAZY. Actually, delete thta, because I know they don't. They think he is totally LOVELY. They have told me so.

blimey as the dormer spouse of a gynaecologist I thought you'd have heard that gag day in day out!

Telling guests they look lovely is a little different from the OP.

I'm with Oblomov on this.

My dad often chats to waitresses, stewardesses with the likes of "Thank you for taking such good care of us. you are so beautiful. Where are you from?" etc, often with my mum and me around. He is over 70, happily married to my mum for 40+ years, all white hair, and is the exact opposite of "sleazy".

After nine hours talking calls in a call centre it's quite nice when someone actually talks to you like you are a person and not some automated idiot.

It would make me smile for a couple of seconds before I got back to my script.."any black stool/black diarrhoea?..."

If you work in a call centre, what % of people give you 'the time of day', let alone ask you / tell you what a lovely accent you have.
small % , I bet.
And now you're tellingm m this is unwelcome? Slimey? My head can not comprehend... bows out... should bow out.

thanks CoteDAzur. I felty totally on my own here. seems bizare.

Actually most callers are quite nice...and it's pleasant if someone remembers your name, if they chat sometimes - usually along the lines of what accent is that? where are you based? Oh really? etc etc

I hate the breezy, officious callers who are just so busy and important but they are far between, most people are just fine really.

im with you oblomov, i dont get what is sleazy about this at all. I often get complimented on my appearance (mixed race), i dont hate it, dont find it sleazy at all. and will be sad come the day that no one compliments me on my appearance.

My dads like this too. He's 78, and will talk to everyone. Not just women. My mum gets annoyed as she just wants to move on, go home. But day's happy chatting away to all and sundry.

Personally, I think he's just a nosey Parker interested in people, seen as he's a forriner.

Oh dear.

Saying nice things to your friends and your guests about their outfit, hair whatever is fine.

Cote, maybe your dad's age and olde-worlde gentlemanly style allows him to get away with it :)

Whatever. The script written by OP is sleazy and she doesn't like him doing it, so it needs to stop.

There are, as many women in this world, who would like to be complemented, (on their ... appearence/skin tone tec./ accent, etc) as would not.
To be afir to men, they can't win.

This,and previous MN threads , confirm this.

Surely the test of whether his remarks are sleazy or not rather depends on how they are delivered and how far they go.

If the OP is, as she says, annoyed by it or is made to feel uncomfortable then it isn't acceptable.

Having been on the receiving end of many months of being 'complimented' on my clothes, hair, figure etc by someone who I knew was a sleazeball and having to endure it because he was a patient where I worked, I finally drew the line when one afternoon when he calmly announced 'I like your breasts'.

Trust me, there's a huge difference between friendly chat and making people feel uncomfortable and the fact that the OP feels moved to post on here about it suggests that she feels her DH's comments fall into the latter category and I think she needs to tell him to shut his mouth when she's with him.

I think I can guess what women find as 'sleazy'.
I don't think OP's dh's comments are this.