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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think if a man doesn't want a baby he should make it his business to wear a condom

434 replies

JaffaMyCake · 15/07/2013 11:57

A friend of mine has got pregnant off a casual FWB situation. She's ok with this and intends to keep the baby even though she isn't in a relationship with the father.

However the father has gone absolutely ballistic, called her a bitch etc and demands she has an abortion. He's adamant he doesn't want the baby or to pay child support.

The situation regarding contraception is that it was just never discussed and they continually had unprotected sex for about 3 months. He never asked if she was on the pill and she never told him she was.

So AIBU to think if he so adamantly did not want a baby with this woman he should have bloody well used protection, regardless of whether she suggested it or not?

OP posts:
MyHumpsMyLovelyBabyBumps · 15/07/2013 17:12

cloudandtrees ts not quite fair to say she can have an abortion..not everyone can have an abortion. His chance to not become a father was before he impregnated someone.

StealthPolarBear · 15/07/2013 17:12

Comes down to when a man and a woman have sex and she gets pregnant, he is allowed to stamp his feet and yell IT'S NOT FAIR like a petulant child, and have everyone soothing him and calling her a bitch, while she (the woman) is meant to get on with it. No leaving your child in childcare, bad for them. No leaving work and staying on benefits, scrounger. No asking the man for money, poor little delicate flower.

GreenSkittles · 15/07/2013 17:13

We are all, including the OP, just assuming she wanted to get pregnant.

'I think my friend wanted to get pregnant' is not the same thing as 'My friend told me she wanted to get pregnant.'

I had a shitstorm to deal with from my ex when I got pregnant, accusing me of trapping him, when it was him who assured me he didn't need to use a condom because he was infertile (40 and no children).

D0oinMeCleanin · 15/07/2013 17:14

'It is fundamentally wrong that the woman can make such a life changing choice for someone else.'

He made the choice to put his fertility into someone else's hands without so much as a little chat first.

I am happy assume that OP's friend did not force him to enter without a condom.

Men make the choice when they choose to have penetrative sex. If they're not happy for the woman to have ultimate control about what could happen next, then they should keep it in their pants.

StealthPolarBear · 15/07/2013 17:14

life is full of choices and their consequences. Sometimes the consequcnes aren't as we planned. Almost never do we get to deny all responsibility. Unless you happen to be a man who had sex with a woman.

Erato · 15/07/2013 17:15

It is fundamentally wrong that the woman can make such a life changing choice for someone else.

She didn't make that choice for him. He's the one that chose not to put on a condom but still have sex. His sperm didn't magically get up her fanjo unaided. Unlike women, men can only make their decision (baby / no baby) pre-shag, so therefore rather than that absolving them of responsibility it means they should be more careful about avoiding pregnancy not get away with "it wasn't my idea" bullshit.

Or would you prefer to return to the 1950s?

MyHumpsMyLovelyBabyBumps · 15/07/2013 17:15

I think* my friend wanted to get pregnant' is not the same thing as 'My friend told me she wanted to get pregnant

We'd all much prefer she did it on purpose than that there are two people in this world who don't know how babies are made out there raising a child.

kim147 · 15/07/2013 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreenSkittles · 15/07/2013 17:16

What a super idea Clouds And not open to abuse at all... Hmm

Erato · 15/07/2013 17:22

Incidentally, why does there seem to be a subtext to this thread that putting on a condom is for some reason a bloody difficult thing for a man to do and really we shouldn't be expecting it?

No one bats an eyelid when women take hormonal forms of contraception that can have horrible side effects and yet when a side-effect free (as long as you're not latex intolerant) barrier form of contraception for men is discussed apparently it's understandable in some way for men not to want to do it, and not to use it routinely even in casual (possible STD risk) relationships?

TheCatIsUpTheDuff · 15/07/2013 17:25

Cloudsandtrees - I would agree with you IF she had actively deceived him, for example by telling him she was on the pill.

As far as we know, neither of them mentioned contraception, so both are equally responsible for the consequences.

Hamwidgeandcheps · 15/07/2013 17:25

I know a girl who did what the op's friend did. The kid is 12 now. He is a v cherished wanted child with a devoted mother but a dad who was destroyed by the situation and has been v lost for many years now. He stayed around and he does his best to maintain a relationship with his son but he is v unhappy this I know.
I don't know what the answer is. No one should tell any woman to have a termination but I do feel for these blokes railroaded in to fatherhood.

StealthPolarBear · 15/07/2013 17:27

the answer is simple and taught in biology lessons up and down te land (or should be)

D0oinMeCleanin · 15/07/2013 17:28

They're not railroaded into fatherhood.

They and they alone put themselves into that situation when they chose to have penetrative sex without a condom.

FFS, why is this is so hard to understand? These threads are fucking scary.

Men are equally capable of making sure they have their own contraception in place before having sex. It's not fucking hard for christ sake.

themaltesecat · 15/07/2013 17:28

Sockreturningpixie Mon 15-Jul-13 16:03:18
My stbexh has a child he neither wanted nor loves, she's a delightful girl and a pleasure to be around he says her mother tricked him.

That's so awful. What an arsehole. I will never understand those who, being blessed with beautiful children, fail to love them. They're horribly deficient.

LittleDirewolfBitJoffrey · 15/07/2013 17:29

What a pair of twits.
It's really that simple.
Equally to blame, equally responsible.

Lazyjaney · 15/07/2013 17:31

"He made the choice to put his fertility into someone else's hands without so much as a little chat first"

If it was just in her hands he'd have been ok, it's where else he shot it that is causing the problem Grin

I find extremely difficult to believe that "a little chat" was not had, in 3 months of bonking - and that all followed from that....

GoshlyoHeavens · 15/07/2013 17:32

use a condom. i cannot see why not.

tittytittyhanghang · 15/07/2013 17:36

By God this thread makes for depressing reading, tricked, trapped,railroaded. FUCK OFF. He had unprotected sex. She had unprotected sex. The difference being that she is the only one willing to take responsibility for their actions. Yet its the woman getting most of the vitriol. Him 'assuming' she was on the pill makes him an even bigger fucking idiot than he already is.

movingonandup · 15/07/2013 17:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dahlen · 15/07/2013 17:42

I strongly disagree with the notion that the father being able to abdicate all responsibility is comprable to a woman choosing to have an abortion.

It's a complete misnomer to think that this is about fairness between the parents. It's about fairness to the child. A child has two parents and has the right to expect support from both. Oftentimes that means being unfair to one of the parents, but better that than unfairness to the child, who certainly didn't end up as an unwanted responsibility through the results of his/her own actions.

Chunderella · 15/07/2013 18:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SarahAndFuck · 15/07/2013 18:23

Cloudsandtrees "Now that she is pregnant though, I think the law should give him the right to waive all his responsibility towards the child if he wants to."

That would be wide open to abuse and takes nothing of the child's wants or needs into consideration.

"The mother has that right because she can have an abortion if she doesn't want the responsibility, so a man should have that right too."

Waiving all responsibility is not the same as having a serious operation that affects the woman physically and emotionally and ends a life (I am pro-choice btw).

It might possibly compare to say she can put the baby up for adoption, in which case both the man and woman know they have a child in the world that they don't see or provide for.

But even then, the woman will have carried the child for nine months and everything in her life from her health to her finances could have been altered in every way possible. Once you are pregnant there is no easy get out clause for a woman regardless of her choice.

"It is fundamentally wrong that the woman can make such a life changing choice for someone else."

Which is why the man should take control at the point in which he can make the choice, when he choses to have sex with or without a condom.

Hamwidgeandcheps "No one should tell any woman to have a termination but I do feel for these blokes railroaded in to fatherhood."

They are not railroaded, they make a choice to have unprotected sex. Contraception and safe sex is the responsibility of both parties, so even if a woman claims to be on the pill or otherwise protected, the man still needs to take his own precautions. If for no other reason than to protect them both from a possible STI by using the condom and because the pill etc is not 100% effective.

If they have chosen not to bother with a condom, they have made a choice and can't claim to have been railroaded.

IneedAsockamnesty · 15/07/2013 18:42

How many of you with boys will teach them that condoms are there responsibility and how many will teach them that its not there problem?

Its flaming obvious that ones a sensible lesson the other sets a piss poor example encourages feckless behaviour

ApocalypseThen · 15/07/2013 18:46

I think this thread is definitely going a long way to explaining why it's so common for men to be sexually incontenent, irresponsible adolescents for the entirety of their lives.