To think if a man doesn't want a baby he should make it his business to wear a condom

[JaffaMyCake]

A friend of mine has got pregnant off a casual FWB situation. She's ok with this and intends to keep the baby even though she isn't in a relationship with the father.

However the father has gone absolutely ballistic, called her a bitch etc and demands she has an abortion. He's adamant he doesn't want the baby or to pay child support.

The situation regarding contraception is that it was just never discussed and they continually had unprotected sex for about 3 months. He never asked if she was on the pill and she never told him she was.

So AIBU to think if he so adamantly did not want a baby with this woman he should have bloody well used protection, regardless of whether she suggested it or not?

Yes, he was an idiot.
Yes, he should now pay for the child.
Yes, he should be a hell of a lot more cautious about who she has sex with in the future.
Yes I think she baited the trap, and he walked into it, prick first. He's an adult and made his choice.

^^

I got this far and didn't bother reading further because this sums it up. He's responsible for his fertility, her for hers. If you enter a casual sexual relationship, you cannot just assume the woman is 'taking care of it' and obviously doesn't care about getting a disease

She chose not to discuss her contraception, he accepted this, didn't protect himself and blames her.

Not a lot of sympathy.

Also, he has no right to demand an abortion and if she wants CSA, that's her child's right.

Also going to be up to her to explain where baby's father is when baby is older, but that's to do with contraception.

With no emotion, it just comes back to:

Regardless of gender, you are responsible for your own fertility. If you're angry that a sexual partner didn't use contraception, you have no one to blame but yourself. If a sexual partner misled you or outright lied EG: I'm on the pill and infertile, or he poked holes in a condom? My response would be very different. Lying isn't the same as not offering up information on your sexual status to a FWB. Took the risks, can't be angry that nature happened.

(Though I'd still think he was stupid for not wearing a condom! So many diseases around and the pill isn't 100%)

I really don't think this is about either party having to volunteer information about their contraceptive or fertility situation. Since when has sex involved compulsory prior disclosure of all relevant information?

If you have sex, you must assume that there may be a baby as a result. (And STDs as well, but that's not the question of the thread).

If you don't want a baby, you must take responsibility for preventing pregnancy. Contraception isn't hard to come by these days.

In any situation, but PARTICULARLY a casual one, both parties need to look after themselves. The potential outcome (unwanted child) is so grave that anything less than proceeding with extra caution is both stupid and naive.

As a side note, this thread has reminded me about how annoyed I am that there still isn't a reliable temporary non-barrier form of male contraception.

I wonder if the man has spent any time at all being angry at himself for not using a condom or if it's all at her.

I don't think we can tell from this whether either of them would make good parents. Very few parents have never done anything irresponsible at some point in their lives.

Read the thread now.

So... Because he assumed she was on the pill it's her fault?

Her intentions may be morally ambiguous, but he was the moron who took the chance for unprotected sex.

He really has no right to be angry.

For some people becoming a parent marks the end of irresponsible behaviour. However, there is a world of difference IMO between carrying out irresponsible acts from time to time (getting drunk to the point of collapse, a ONS, etc) to sustained patterns of irresponsible behaviour. The latter tend to be far more indicative of an ingrained character trait.

Lord alone knows I've done my fair share of irresponsible things before now, but I can't ever imagine a situation where I would have felt it was ok to have unprotected sex for 3 months. AIDS, hepatitis - both incurable and far more life changing/limiting than an unwanted pregnancy. Anyone who doesn't think about those things for 3 whole months would have me questioning their ability to live independently on their own, let alone bring another life into the world. That goes for both the man and the woman BTW.

My stbexh has a child he neither wanted nor loves, she's a delightful girl and a pleasure to be around he says her mother tricked him.

My stance on the matter has always been he should have taken precautions himself and if she was going to trick anybody she's intelligent enough to pick a decent man not a nasty bully like him, her stance on the matter has always been she did not trick him in any way she actually had the implant.

He's just another prime example of a man who does not care what happens as long as he gets his pleasure its always someone else's responsibility.

And I have no idea why that's relevant I just remembered his rantings on the subject.

"If a woman had been told by her partner who wanted a child that he had a vasectomy and he hadn't I'd think the same about the person."

Did I miss the bit where she told him she was on the pill? Or is it simply the assumption that every woman of child bearing age is responsible for contraception and the poor man only has to take responsibility if explicitly asked to?

YANBU. Abstinence is the only form of fail safe contraception, any eejit over the age of 13 knows that sex can result in babies, lest of all unprotected sex.

He was stupid to assume that she was on the pill and even more stupid to assume she would abort if she became pregnant.

He and he alone is responsible for his contraception, to trust someone else with it when the fall-out is so life changing is beyond silly.

If was adamant he did not want children he should've abstained or at the very least used a condom to minimise risk.

Sorry if I missed one of your posts Jaffa but why do you think your friend did this deliberately? She either told you she did, or you're just guessing.

My feeling is that anyone who is against being a parent should take steps to stop it happening, and obviously men should be more pro-active (though oddly they don't tend to be) because once conception has happened the matter is pretty much out of their hands.

These days I think by about age 14 most all children/adults are old enough to know better

He should have asked about whether she was on the pill instead of assuming, especially in a FWB situation.

YANBU in my opinion.

SPB, I never claimed to read all 7 pages, I said in earlier post he was an idiot if he didn't ask. I don't think most women are out to get men equally I don't think most men are dumb enough to assume women are on the pill with out asking.

I do believe however if you want to get pregnant and you know the person is having sex with you is doing so because he believes you are on the pill, you've not exactly got the moral high ground. Adults discuss having children, they don't think ah well if he's dumb enough to assume I'm on the pill this will all turn out great.. It is not misogynist to assume this person is selfish and stupid and my mind won't be changed on that. Is he also a fuck wit? Yes, yes he is. The only one who will realy suffer is the child.

Sperm is all around if you want it. What happened to the good old fashioned way of ordering it off the internet form a willing donor?

He didn't ask.
Why would he assume she was on the pill?

He's an idiot and has no right to be angry at her. She's an idiot too, but I can only assume she wanted to get pregnant.

I'm not saying he isn't wrong, I have no idea what their previous relationship was, maybe she had previously been on the pill maybe she hadn't. I'm fully accepting the fact she hadn't been and that he is an idiot.

But are you disagreeing that two adults shouldn't maybe have a discussion before trying to make a human? Was he an irresponsible twat? Should he be held financially responsible? Yes and yes. Does that change the fact that maybe he isn't someone she should choose as the person she has to see at every school play for 18 years?

I definitely wouldn't say she trapped him into it though - what kind of utter fool doesn't discuss contraception before shagging without a condom? But I will never in a billion years understand why someone would choose to bring a new life into the world in this way.

yes, I agree. She is a fool. but they both "chose" this.

I know this might sound a bit miserable but before dh and I tried for a baby I actually considered whether he was the kind of person I'd be happy to be divorced and raising a child with. I really wish men and women would put more thought in to having a child, being an unwanted child (and even if one parent loves you)..it's harsh knowing there is someone out there who doesn't.

They [sperm] aren't like Frisbees, they don't come back.

I will use this one day!

Chunderella I think you mean boomerang :o

They are both as bad as each other, but he should have used a condom if he wasn't prepared to pay for a child. She was out of order for not letting him know that she wanted a baby.

Now that she is pregnant though, I think the law should give him the right to waive all his responsibility towards the child if he wants to. The mother has that right because she can have an abortion if she doesn't want the responsibility, so a man should have that right too. It is fundamentally wrong that the woman can make such a life changing choice for someone else.

that's true, I guess they are just like frisbees! I'll use the revamped version when I steal it later

Clouds and yet the man is able to make the life changing choice on behalf of the baby that he or she will receive no financial support from their father?