Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if a man doesn't want a baby he should make it his business to wear a condom

434 replies

JaffaMyCake · 15/07/2013 11:57

A friend of mine has got pregnant off a casual FWB situation. She's ok with this and intends to keep the baby even though she isn't in a relationship with the father.

However the father has gone absolutely ballistic, called her a bitch etc and demands she has an abortion. He's adamant he doesn't want the baby or to pay child support.

The situation regarding contraception is that it was just never discussed and they continually had unprotected sex for about 3 months. He never asked if she was on the pill and she never told him she was.

So AIBU to think if he so adamantly did not want a baby with this woman he should have bloody well used protection, regardless of whether she suggested it or not?

OP posts:
SpecialAgentTattooedQueen · 16/07/2013 09:26

Sure, OK, not for everyone in life, I meant everyone in the family. Some people might be laid back about things like that, but as a child I was embarrassed (why dont you have a daddy? etc) and Id be even more embarrassed about being a single parent as an adult.

^^ Fair enough, each to their own. I can see a family being embarrassed their daughter purposely got pregnant (BTW, sorry your mum was such a shit and your dad used you as a sounding board, that's horrible)

I was thinking more... 'Do strangers judge a SP because there isn't a dad in the picture?' I thought that's what you meant and was a bit horrified people would whisper about the mum in baby group not knowing her circumstances IYSWIM?

Being close to the subject though is obviously different than everyone whispering and frowning and gossiping about the new SP on the block! :)

IfNotNowThenWhen · 16/07/2013 09:26

My sons dad is a bit of a cock. I couldn't love my son more. And if DS grows up feeling embarrassed about our family, then I will be dissapointed he hasn't more of a backbone tbh.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen · 16/07/2013 09:27

:( So sorry GoodTouch. I won't pretend I know how that feels but I understand where you're coming from now.

And OT, I have read your other thread about your horrid inlaws/the kidney thing, clearly you have a lovely, strong family of your own now so I'm glad you got your happy ending. Flowers

GoodTouchBadTouch · 16/07/2013 09:41

Thank you for the flowers SpecialAgent - they are beautiful :)

Ifnotnow - Id say there is at least a chance he will feel that way, but difficult to say without knowing your circumstances. Anyway Im not criticising single parents, just women who get pregnant deliberately while single

kim147 · 16/07/2013 09:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen · 16/07/2013 09:47

You're welcome. :)

But by 'deliberate,' do you mean cases like your DM, or any case with an unwanted pregnancy? Because many men walk out on pregnant wives/partners. I don't think their DC should be embarrassed by that at all, or be judged by other parents. In that case, 'smug marrieds' is a term that definitely applies. (And I hate that term)

But most people don't deliberately intend to end up pregnant and alone.

Then there's gay parents. Technically only one is a biological parent. What about children who permanent live with stepmums/stepdads? Only one biological parent there.

I just don't understand the judgement. (Except by a child in your circumstance GoodTouc, that must have been hard.)

Plenty of wonderful single mums/dads out there! Just check MN Grin

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen · 16/07/2013 09:48

I meant to say or any case of an unwanted pregnancy?

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen · 16/07/2013 09:50

I reserve my judgement for the (male or female) parents who abandon their child completely. At least some absentee parents accept they never wanted to be a parent and pay their CSA dutifully. May not be my idea of a good parent but it is taking responsibility for the actions that created a child.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 16/07/2013 09:53

Ifnot There will be a time when your son is embarrassed by his family situation. Just as I (two married parents both chose to have me and my brother) at one point was really embarrassed by my family situation. They were so dull! I desperately wanted my friends single mother "we're more like sisters!" mum who let us drink alcopops at 14.

Instead I had a dad who went on the dance floor at the awards dinner for a sport I played. In front of the boy I liked!

teetering13 · 16/07/2013 09:55

Its not that I had a worse time .. It's that you were embarrassed because just your mother cared for you ... I can't think of a bigger slap in the face to give your poor mum tbh

GoodTouchBadTouch · 16/07/2013 09:56

No Im only angry about people like the OPs friend. Being a single parent cannot be easy or any fun, so why on earth would you choose that for your child?

I agree children shouldn't feel embarrassed by single parents who were victims of circumstance, but I do think they sometimes are. I think a lot of parents are (again, not that they should be) which is why for example people stay so long in violent relationships, because they dont want the stigma of being a single parent family.

Im not srue what I feel about gay parents or single parents who use sperm donation. Again its not ideal is it, I cant imagine any child asking to be born into such circumstances, but I cant say I definitely wouldn't do it myself if I was gay or still single and losing my fertility.

Obviously everyone would ideally want to create the perfect nuclear family, but of course life isn't like that

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen · 16/07/2013 10:01

Agree on that GoodTouch, life isn't perfect and (sorry but it is true, feel more than free to berate me for using 'I said sorry' as an argument!) society really seems to think the majority of single mum's are like yours.

Bizarre. I son't know one single mum who is a single mum by choice. Why on earth is that the stigma? Is it sticking from the Good Ole' Days of unmarried = whore? Confused It's just such an utterly uneducated assumption I really don't understand how in this day and age, there are people who still believe that.

GoodTouchBadTouch · 16/07/2013 10:01

"It's that you were embarrassed because just your mother cared for you ... I can't think of a bigger slap in the face to give your poor mum tbh"

I have no idea where you got that from.

Are you saying I should feel lucky because she went to all the effort of tricking an unsuspecting man into impregnating her? So I must have been really wanted?

The way I see it is she didn't care enough about the life she was creating to at least give it a chance of 2 parent. She was only thinking of herself and the possibility that her man might leave his wife (and kids) if she got herself knocked up.

That's a ghastly thing to do, I have zero respect for her.

teetering13 · 16/07/2013 10:04

Well I suppose in the days where women stayed home and did fuck all except rear children and care for a hubby then nuclear families made the only sense to men ...

Fortunately times have moved on and the shame women were made to feel has gone for the majority

I do not wish for a nuclear family ... I am happy being a single parent, the kids don't feel different as they aren't unusual or unique ...

I do understand where you're coming from though, after all it was how everyone thought 50 years ago .. but eventually that'll die out :)

teetering13 · 16/07/2013 10:08

"That's a ghastly thing to do, I have zero respect for her"

hmmm sounds like you have other issues going on ... you can't have had a happy unbringing then find out how you came to be and turn on her can you?

kim147 · 16/07/2013 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GoodTouchBadTouch · 16/07/2013 10:13

I hope condemning people who trick men into pregnancy never dies out.

Its selfish and irresponsible, and I do place far more blame on the woman

GoodTouchBadTouch · 16/07/2013 10:16

"you can't have had a happy unbringing then find out how you came to be and turn on her can you?"

I always knew how I was conceived. All my family knew. We knew he had another family living in the next county.

You need to read the thread properly, I never said I had a happy upbringing, you just assumed I did because there was no domestic violence like in your situation (poor you, how terrible - is that what you wanted?)

teetering13 · 16/07/2013 10:23

I was just using my example of how 2 parents isn't better than 1 in some cases ... I'm ok with it and don't need sympathy ... you on the other hand sound very bitter :(

teetering13 · 16/07/2013 10:24

oh and men shouldn't be tricked, you're right there .. they need to take responsibility

Bonsoir · 16/07/2013 10:24

50 % of DC are not in lone parent families by the age of 16. Do not confuse the statistic for DC not living with their two biological parents with the statistic for DC in lone parent families.

GoodTouchBadTouch · 16/07/2013 10:30

It was clearly a case of competitive misery, you have made up parts of my circumstances (like my poor mother who cared for me) and told me to realise how lucky I am.. What else could you want but sympathy?

I wouldn't say bitter, but certainly I despise selfish people like my mother.

teetering13 · 16/07/2013 10:37

Well we see things how we want depending what type of person we are ... so no matter matter what I say you will see it that way

But yes I was taking you on your word that you felt embarrassed being brought up by a lone parent, Yes I did assume all was ok apart from that ... I was very wrong I see now :/ ..

But I still say, it's not about how many parents a child has got or how they came to be here, it's about how cared for and loved the child is

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen · 16/07/2013 10:45

The key word IMO is 'tricked.'

In the OP the man was not 'tricked.' He chose to take zero responsibility and now is furious nature happened.

He was stupid and now is blaming her for her motives. However morally ambiguous they may have been, he is and will continue to be responsible for his own fertility and health. He was more than happy to risk his health assuming this woman would tell him if she had an STI, but is enraged she didn't say she was on hormonal contraceptives.

That makes no sense IMO. If you rely on a stranger for your fertility and yes in some instances life for casual sex then you're a fucking idiot.

Technically, she just did the same thing he did. She was just okay with accepting a pregnancy/STI. He wasn't. If we blame her for being irresponsible, we also blame him.

^^ I mean that taking the moral ambiguity out. I am NOT responsible for DH's fertility. He is NOT responsible for mine.

Obviously because I trust him I also expect not to be exposed to AIDS and other STI's, but you simply have no guarantee when you enter a seuxal, casual relationship.

He was happy to risk his life for unprotected sex so he cannot be angry a pregnancy happened. He should just be relieved he didn't contract HIV or something and know better for the future.

You enter a sexually casual relationship, you take risks. Don't be mad when something happens... Especially something you did fuck all to STOP from happening!!

GoodTouchBadTouch · 16/07/2013 10:48

"it's not about how many parents a child has got or how they came to be here, it's about how cared for and loved the child is"

Im not sure someone who is selfish enough to bring a child into the world that way really has it in them to be a good parent, since parenting is all about putting someone else first.

Im sure there are some fab single parents though, who do just as good a job as 2 parents. Especially 2 lousy parents.

Swipe left for the next trending thread