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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give up on this date

252 replies

watchforthesnail · 14/07/2013 17:01

Had a great first date last monday, so great the second date was planned the same day, for tomorrow night.

since then hes kind of dropped off the face of the earth, what was daily contact, lots of texts and things throughout the day has dropped to something like 10 messages over 6 days. Knowing he was busy this weekend i messaged to say have a nice weekend, which he recieved but didnt reply to.

Not being one to be passive about these things i sent him a message saying i wasnt sure what was up, but that if he had changed his mind that was fine and to just let me know as i didnt want to message someone when it wasnt wanted.

He immediatley replied and told me he had been crazy busy and we would chat soon. That was 48 hours ago. Nothing since. He is away this weekend with friends but has been using his phone/internet as i can see hes updated various things.....

Second date is meant to be tomorrow. Just how long am i meant to keep hanging on waiting to hear? Some friends have said i should just wait and give him a chance, others have said to send something cancelling it.

Im in two minds what to do. Give up?!!

OP posts:

Original poster

watchforthesnail · 14/07/2013 19:03

because if hes too busy to send a ' hi' text, surely he should be to busy to update stuff the whole time...

its just bullshit though, because hes not too busy, noone is to busy to send a 2 second text. fact is he doesnt want to, has massivley dropped contact since the first date and its that that makes you feel insecure and on uneven footing.

OP posts:

CatelynStark · 14/07/2013 19:23

It's not about wanting constant reassurance - it's about a change in behaviour that puts a question mark over whether or not you're going to meet up again.

I'm sure that snail wasn't being needy in her communication with him. I know I sure as Hell wasn't with the man I was 'seeing'.

(He's just said 'hi' and scuttled off btw

Snail - a book that's really helped me see that it's him and not me is

Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man before He Breaks Your Heart: Amazon.co.uk: Steven Carter, Julia Sokol.

It's scary how many men fit the pattern. I really hope that 'your's' isn't like 'mine'!

Original poster

watchforthesnail · 14/07/2013 19:30

oh, i dont think for a second its me :) so dont worry. And im not heartbroken, more disappointed as i had been a bit excited about this one.....

I wasnt needy at all, plenty of times before we met him i said i would stop chatting and leave him too it, every time he said no, it was nice to chat and he was enjoying it, and a text or whatsapp takes seconds. funny that since the date thats not his attitude at all.

it would take a stupid person with no awareness not to see that, and its that that throws it all up in the air leaving somone very confused as to what to do, nothing to do with needing reassurance.

catelyn, i think he is like that, or, i know that already....... im not expecting any other outcome other than me sat on my own tomorrow evening.

OP posts:

Mia4 · 14/07/2013 19:35

OP he really may be busy but I have to admit from dating myself and hearing from my friends this behaviour is classic 'time waster' behaviour. They blow hot at first and either a) lose interest or get turned off b) expect you to chase or c) find someone else. And often choose not to say so but drop contact down.

Mind you all the ladies I know tend to go for that rather then be upfront and just say 'I had a great date, thanks, but I don't think we're all that suited.'

One mistake I personally think you did make though with this man was sending this text: "i wasnt sure what was up, but that if he had changed his mind that was fine and to just let me know as i didnt want to message someone when it wasnt wanted."

You chased him. I would bet you that in his mind he felt like you did and either it was what he liked and wants you to chase more or he genuinely was very busy and it's a turn off because you appear desperate. In a situation where you feel someone's actions are speaking louder then words then go by their actions and treat them likewise. I know people want 'closure' and 'to know' but honestly you don't often get that in dating.

Sadly you can't win either way, because while you were being upfront and honest he is probably going to interpret one of those two ways, both of which will signal desperation to him.

nkf · 14/07/2013 19:38

if you don't want to set up a babysitter for something that may or may not turn into a date, then maybe don't. And when/if he calls/texts, he'll have to arrange something concrete for next time. Or he won't call/text and you haven't lost out.

Original poster

watchforthesnail · 14/07/2013 19:40

i still dont think sending that text was a bad thing. he said hes shy with women, finds its hard to say what he wants and rarely makes the first move... he had pre warned me of this.... what i didnt want to happen was for him to feel like he HAD to go on the date and didnt want to, that text was an 'out' for him. without him thinking he was going to hurt my feelings or whatever.

OP posts:

nkf · 14/07/2013 19:41

But if he can chat/text/fb, he doesn't need to take you out. He can have this chatty, flirty banter with no effort and no expense and without being tied down to anything. And when it peters out, as it's bound to because it's just words on a screen, then well he stops chatting/texting/fbooking. I imagine that's all that happened.

nkf · 14/07/2013 19:41

Sending that text was a very bad idea. You've had one date with him. You can't ask him to account for his behaviour to you.

claudedebussy · 14/07/2013 19:44

well i don't think you've done anything wrong.

and i'd probably cancel the babysitter tomorrow, giving him the morning. tis shit and i'm sorry.

Original poster

watchforthesnail · 14/07/2013 19:47

i wasnt asking him to account his behaviour. i was saying if he wanted to cancel monday then it was fine and he could say so.

OP posts:

theoriginalandbestrookie · 14/07/2013 19:53

Agree with nkf, I would definitely not organise a babysitter. Why would you spend £25-30 for something that looks 50/50 if it's going to happen?

If he does get back in touch then you just tell him that nothing was arranged, you didn't know what time you needed the babysitter for. If he wants to go out with you,he will ask you out again.

However I don't think he is going to call. A weeks a long time between dates so he may have met someone else. I do think he may have been put off by your text, but I wouldn't worry about having sent it. I had a guy go incommunicado on me when I was dating, it was bloody annoying as he had said that we'd do something on a Sunday and I kept it free.

Time to move on, and next time don't start wasting time looking at the Facebook status when you have been on one date, and I don't want to go all The Rules or anything, but I'd not be going overboard on the texting/messaging etc. until you are a bit further into a relationship.

nkf · 14/07/2013 19:53

This is not a cool message. This is effectively asking his intentions.

diddl · 14/07/2013 19:56

A week a long time between dates?

Depend how near you live!

It all does seem odd.

If I'd wanted to see him I probably would have asked for arrangements/times as I needed a babysitter.

I agree to leave it & if he contacts, well you can't go out as no babysitter.

Mia4 · 14/07/2013 20:08

watchforthesnail The text was very upfront and can be taken in different ways, if you took a poll here on MN asking what people would think if a date sent them that I would bet you'd havesome saying 'too fast and looks deserate -turn off', another half saying 'chasing me, I like it/not sure of it/going to expect more of it- too soon' and others saying 'fair and reasonable, don't want to waste your time.'

I'm not saying you were desperate, I'm saying, that text can be interpreted in different ways and what and how you know it's meant to be and how you'd interpret does not mean he'd see it the same. If you polled it asking people, you'd have no necessary consensus between what people think. Some would think like you, others wouldn't. You don't know how he viewed it, you never know how someone will which is why you should always bear in mind and go with 'actions speak louder then words'.

This guy seems to have backed off, I wouldn't bother arranging babysitting when it may not happen-personally I'd let him come to you, if he does say you can't get a babysitter and will need to rearrange in which case let him ask and set up. And if he doesn't you know to not bother with him again.

Original poster

watchforthesnail · 14/07/2013 20:09

a week isnt really a long time between dates when you are a grown up with kids and jobs and things. A week is about right.

nkf - i wasnt asking his intentions, i was saying if he had changed his mind it was ok and he could say so. I was giving him an out, without me having to be left hanging on not knowing whats happening.

Equally he wasnt cool when he said he was shy and a bit crap when it comes to women. even his dating profile says he wont send a message, so if anyone is interested to say hi. Thats not cool is it.... people are just people.

the texting happens when you are chatting, you have to chat to see if you would want to go on a date with somone... otherwise you end up going on 100's of dates where you have nothing in common with anyone and it wastes everyones time. It is very very usual in online dating to chat a fair bit before you meet. We went ' offsite' as it were as my subscription ran out, ,we then went to email, but my hotmail kept missing messages, so went went to text. I didnt do anything wrong by chatting with the guy before we met.

OP posts:

thispunderfullife · 14/07/2013 20:10

You are being unreasonable. read the rules, take with a massive pinch of salt and apply to how you've been acting. stop with all the social networking stuff for anyone you've been on a date with. Guaranteed head fuck.

nkf · 14/07/2013 20:14

I get what you are saying. All I'm doing is offering my view of how it appears to me. You've asked friends what to do. You've asked on here. My view is it's probably best to cancel the babysitter and think about something else.

I appreciate that you didn't ask for views on the text you've sent so I apologise for that. There's no point in talking about that anyway. It's been sent.

MissStrawberry · 14/07/2013 20:14

I think calm down.

Before you met he had to get you interested and show interest in you, hence lots of texts. Now you have met he has you interested so maybe doesn't feel the need to contact you every hour or whatever. You have met, both said you want to meet again so no need for all the extra messing about.

So many times I have read on here women sending don't know what is wrong but if you don 't want to see me at least let me know bollocks and they wonder why the man disappears off the face of the Earth.

frutilla · 14/07/2013 20:18

Why not just do nothing and if he calls to firm things up, say "sorry, I couldn't get a baby-sitter" and suggest another night next week but with firm time and place, so that you can get the sitter organised?

meganorks · 14/07/2013 20:18

I've noticed guys don't tend to respond to texts unless you ask a question. So 'have a nice wknd' doesn't necessarily need a reply.
Also I always find I'm a bit crap with email and text - if I don't respond straight away I end up forgetting.
And he has said he still wants to go, so maybe you should just take him at face value
That said your instincts are often right. Maybe just think what would you be more gutted about - you cancelling baby sitter only for the date to be going ahead but you can't go? Or you still all set to go but being stood up last minute?
Maybe have a back up plan - a nice child free trip to the cinema maybe

Original poster

watchforthesnail · 14/07/2013 20:26

im an upfront kind of person :) if someone doesnt like that then they are not for me and its better to find out sooner rather than later.

the thing with social networking, is its a host of info, avaliable at your fingertips, it cant be a very useful tool, which is why many employers use it before they interview/ offer jobs. Im not affraid to say i will google the hell out of anyone before i meet them. It has in the past thrown up men with weird sexual perversions, married men, men who are racist, sexist, cheaters, liars.... etc, many a time its saved me from god awful dates with godawful men. and the times when ive not used it, ive usually regretted it ( the granny shagger and the obsessive stalker) The downside of social networking is the same as the plus side, you can see everything....

OP posts:

piratecat · 14/07/2013 20:33

yes give up.

life is too short to second guess yourself or him. you had lots of contact, you met, it's tapered off.

sorry but he's either got other dates lined up and is busy with them, or isn't wanting to meet again.

when the contact changes, it doesn't mean you are needy or grabby, i hate it when women say that about women who just want to know why something doesn't sit right.

trust your instinct. don't be his fall back.

Hopingitwillallbefine · 14/07/2013 20:37

I agree with miss - calm down. As far as I can see the hasn't done anything wrong - went on a date, arranged another, kept in touch in between (tbh I think even 10 texts in 6 days is a lot). You asked if he wanted to cancel, he said no. So the only issue really is that he texted more often before your first date. As others have pointed out this may have just been to get to know you. I definitely wouldn't cancel the date. As for his social networking use, please try not to extrapolate meaning from it, it means nothing. Today I have been on FB and commented on various posts, however I have so far neglected to reply to one text and two emails from friends, not because I don't care about them but simply because I'm busy. Oh and I am forever asking dp why he didn't reply to my text/email to be repeatedly told "but it didn't have a question".

Original poster

watchforthesnail · 14/07/2013 20:48

the question thing... every text/ message wasnt a question before we met, it was just chatting. so thats no bones.

pirate, i agree with you and i dont expect to hear from him again. Im not however cancelling at this point, ill wait till lunctime tomorrow.

but my instinct says what it says last week, hes no longer interested.

OP posts:

nkf · 14/07/2013 21:08

I think you are right. Next.

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