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Original poster

To give up on this date

252 replies

watchforthesnail · 14/07/2013 17:01

Had a great first date last monday, so great the second date was planned the same day, for tomorrow night.

since then hes kind of dropped off the face of the earth, what was daily contact, lots of texts and things throughout the day has dropped to something like 10 messages over 6 days. Knowing he was busy this weekend i messaged to say have a nice weekend, which he recieved but didnt reply to.

Not being one to be passive about these things i sent him a message saying i wasnt sure what was up, but that if he had changed his mind that was fine and to just let me know as i didnt want to message someone when it wasnt wanted.

He immediatley replied and told me he had been crazy busy and we would chat soon. That was 48 hours ago. Nothing since. He is away this weekend with friends but has been using his phone/internet as i can see hes updated various things.....

Second date is meant to be tomorrow. Just how long am i meant to keep hanging on waiting to hear? Some friends have said i should just wait and give him a chance, others have said to send something cancelling it.

Im in two minds what to do. Give up?!!

OP posts:
poopyisapig · 15/07/2013 10:15

Is that all op? What did he apologise for?

FreckledLeopard · 15/07/2013 10:15

I could have written this thread before. It sucks, doesn't it Sad?

It really is a nasty thing to do, especially if you have to go to the trouble of finding a babysitter, and particularly since you had a good first date.

Onwards and upwards, hope you have a lovely day in the sun and that the perfect guy is just around the corner!

IWantToBeAtreee · 15/07/2013 10:16

Id wait at least 4 hours before I replied.

differentnameforthis · 15/07/2013 10:17

anyway - hes text. finally. he will know ive seen it. and im just going to wait a little while before i reply. and he can sit and wait and wonder whats going on

Op, do you remember how you felt when you KNEW he'd seen your texts & didn't reply? Crap, right? So why do the same to him? Sorry but you can't make a whole thread here bemoaning his lack of answering you & do the bloody same! It's childish! And as you saw yourself, guaranteed to make you lose interest!

Answer him. Don't play games

Original poster
watchforthesnail · 15/07/2013 10:19

along with a message saying he didnt feel a spark.

ho hum.

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 15/07/2013 10:20

What an absolute wuss. Its very unmanly to let someone hang like that. Only a weak mam would do that

Id wait at least 4 hours before I replied

Perhaps only a weak woman would do that IWantToBeAtreee How is it OK for OP to do that to him, but weak, unmanly & the mark of a wuss for him to do it to her?

Double standards!

CajaDeLaMemoria · 15/07/2013 10:22

Oh, I'm really sorry OP.

I guess I was judging him by better standards than he actually has!

claudedebussy · 15/07/2013 10:24

i wouldn't reply. nothing to say.

IWantToBeAtreee · 15/07/2013 10:27

Told you.

Gay.

Original poster
watchforthesnail · 15/07/2013 10:27

he could have said that last week... saved me a week of all this.

he could have said that friday when i asked ( because it was obvious)

OP posts:
ARealDame · 15/07/2013 10:27

Sounds like your instincts were right.

I did some internet dating and the learning curve was steep and not very pleasant.

I def. think its much better to have more than one man as a possibility if you can; especially in the internet world, where you don't know who people really are. Focusing on one man, in any way whatsoever, until he's shown he's truly and genuinely interested, is usually self-defeating.

I think a lot of men seemed programmed to show unbridled "enthusiasm" which they are not really clear that they are actually feeling, because thats their role as men! So, take it with a pinch of salt.

I hope you're dating goes better soon x

ARealDame · 15/07/2013 10:29

But also agree if he's a bit of a player (and internet dating is full of them) his ambivalence was also him hedging his bets, yuk but there it is.

IWantToBeAtreee · 15/07/2013 10:30

Not double standards that's be me advisng someone who wasnt interested in a man to just stop texting til he got the hint. Id never do that. That would be double standards.

I suggested waiting until she replied (which is very different from what ge did. He didnt reply at all!) that is simply making her seem as though she is busy, not looking like she's staring at the phone.

Nothing to do with double standards, hithankoo.

poopyisapig · 15/07/2013 10:32

Or he was already in a relationship/married.

Turning phone off on the date, no interaction at the weekend, dates for a weeknight where he could tell his oh he was working late.

poopyisapig · 15/07/2013 10:33

But I am cynical after too much of this crap

Original poster
watchforthesnail · 15/07/2013 10:39

no, he wasnt. hes been single a long time, almost 10 years, with just a one year relationship in that time.

He was really hurt he said, by his first gf and is a bit warey of women.

i did wonder how someone who seemed so nice was single, he said in the beginning how picky he was and that he doesnt usually even reply to women, let alone keep chatting. so, i should have maybe paid more attention to that

OP posts:
CatelynStark · 15/07/2013 10:44

I'm so sorry, Snail. That's just shit.

Original poster
watchforthesnail · 15/07/2013 11:04

oh for fucks sake now hes saying he doesnt know. that he had talked to friend as hes not sure what he wants to do. and thats why he had been weird with contact, because he was undecided.

OP posts:
ViviPru · 15/07/2013 11:12

You don't need this. Leave him to it.

missmarplestmarymead · 15/07/2013 11:15

That is really just playing games and smacks of wanting to see just how much you will take or he can get away with.

I would send him a text telling him that you have decided that it would not be a good idea to see him, wishing him all the best. if you reply in any other way, it is my opinion that you make yourself look so anxious to see him that you will put up with any old nonsense.

You have nothing invested it, so just put him and his silly game playing out of your head. He could be sending the same text to several women and just waiting to see who will put up with his antics. Don't let it be you.

Original poster
watchforthesnail · 15/07/2013 11:16

he said hes just not sure, and cant decide and doesnt want to hurt me if he decides its not right but then we did get on well and he likes me so might be missing out.

ive said its a second date, its not beholden after a dinner. and that my ego doesnt really like having to persuade people into hanging out with me...

idiot

OP posts:
curryeater · 15/07/2013 11:19

"i wasnt asking his intentions, i was saying if he had changed his mind it was ok and he could say so. I was giving him an out, without me having to be left hanging on not knowing whats happening. "

Right - you were taking control, acting like an adult, saying "if this isn't for you that's fine" - and he didn't take you up on it because it is important to him that he has control. I think if you carry on with this chap you will get frustrated and annoyed because he will continue to blow hot and cold because he likes controlling how much availability he gives to you (availability in all sorts of senses) - he wants you to want him and to retain the power to be "on" or "off". If you act like an adult and say "hey, we don't have to do this" he isn't going to agree and say "yep let's call it off" because he doesn't want to call it off, he wants to retain the power to keep you wondering whether he will call it off.

I don't say this because he hasn't been texting 5 times a day, which is fine for some people - but because he used to text more, explicitly said he was enjoying it to encourage text-intimacy, and now he has turned it off.

It is fine to have a relationship with someone who only uses phones to say "see you at x bar and y time" - that is not the issue - it is not fine to have a relationship with someone who uses phones to keep you guessing.

I think you should cancel the babysitter and send a brief note saying it's off - if you will have a nice evening home alone; if you are inclined to brood, keep the babysitter, cancel the date, and take a bottle of wine to a friend's.

ThisReallyIsNotSPNopeNotAtAll · 15/07/2013 11:20

Just read the thread.

Sounds like you had a lucky escape.

I know the feeling! Happened to me a few times. Nothing wrong with wanting to check if a date is still on or not.

You gave him a chance to say no and he didn't take it. I dont think you are needy or mental btw.

Davsmum · 15/07/2013 11:26

Sounds like you are both too intense.
Why would he think it should hurt you if he decides its not right? Its a 2nd date FFS! not a 'relationship'!
Mind you - I think it probably would hurt you because your text saying you were not sure what was up, suggests you expect the worst if you don't get responses the way and when you want!

I can understand you need to be sure for arranging sitters etc - but a simple text saying 'Can we just confirm the date & time etc.. before I organise a sitter?' would have been more sensible.

poopyisapig · 15/07/2013 11:29

OP, he sounds like a dick.

This isn't how adults behave, you know that. Your text giving him an out was reasonable. His response is not.

You could give him the benefit of the doubt. Like you said he's been single a long time.

If you do, I would make it clear that you are not up for any game playing.