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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Only see my DD one day a week and we spend it battling

110 replies

ThirtyLove · 13/07/2013 20:10

Circumstances dictate at the moment that I only see DD1 (22 months) one day a week - Saturday. This is due to 1mo DD2 being in ICU in hospital in a different town so I stay there through the week whilst DH works and stays at home with our eldest.

She's always been a daddy's girl, and I admit I'm the 'hard' parent who frets about boring things like food, but I am spending that one day just nagging and battling with her refusing to do even the simplest things, refusing to eat, and having meltdowns about the most minor of things. Today she hasn't eaten at all, it took 40 minutes to get a cup of milk into her, and it all ended up with me shouting at her then sobbing on the bed.

For DH she is good as gold (and I know she is, it's not just him saying it). I'm starting to wonder if it does more harm than good me coming home at all. My DH insists on me coming home because he wants to see DD2 (obviously) and we don't have anyone to look after DD1 so we have to play swapsies like this. I miss DD1 when I'm away but if my sudden appearance and disappearance is unsettling for her should I just stay away?

The other option is to have her at the accommodation I'm staying in at the weekends, with DH as well, so at least he's a constant presence in her life. We are trying to keep things as routine as possible during this period - which is likely to go on for some weeks and months yet - so I prefer her to be in her own bed.

What would you do? WIBU to do either of the above or shall I stick with it? It's so hard and I'm stressed enough as it is without feeling like my eldest hates me and I'm a terrible mother to her

OP posts:

ArabellaBeaumaris · 13/07/2013 20:14

I think - & I have never been in your situation & can't begin to imagine the strain you are all under - that your dd1 needs to see more of you. & - I hesitate to say this - she is aware of your absence in a way your dd2 would not be.

I hope things improve rapidly for you all.

Tinsie · 13/07/2013 20:15

I'd keep visiting, but without the battling. Does it really matter if she eats or not on the one day you're there? Can't you do something fun together instead, like go to the park or playgroup? If that doesn't work, how about having her with you at the weekends? I think if I were 22 mo I'd value my parents' presence way over routine.

maja00 · 13/07/2013 20:15

Don't stay away, she needs to see you.

Sounds like you are battling over silly things though? Never fight about food, she won't starve so take the pressure right off.

Also sounds like your expectations are very high - she's barely more than a baby and life is extremely unsettled at the moment, refusing to do things and meltdowns are to be expected.

Why not just ease up on the nagging entirely? Especially as it's just one day a week. Unless it is an actual safety issue, just don't fight things.

BrianButterfield · 13/07/2013 20:18

I would do whatever it took to have her with me as much as possible - I have a ds of the same age and I know he would be quietly very upset and worried of either DH or I was away for more than a couple of days at a time. He hardly saw DH last night or this morning and ended up quite clingy to me this afternoon as a result so your dd's reaction sounds normal, though obviously so difficult for you at this hard time.

RandomMess · 13/07/2013 20:18

Based on my experiences with my own dcs I think her behaviour is a protest at you having been missing for 6 days - that is a long time in her little world. I would try her coming for long weekends in your accommodation or getting home more frequently. Again I don't think your dc2 will miss your presence for several hours one evening per week compared to how much your eldest needs to see more of you.

Very tough situation can't imagine the strain either.

Shootingstar79 · 13/07/2013 20:20

She is a scared little girl who is angry because you're not there enough and possibly jealous if she knows you are with her little sister.
Obviously this isn't your fault but it must be how she is feeling. Don't see less of her, if you can possibly manage it, see more of her. If you can't manage it for now then definitely don't spend the day arguing. Trust that she knows how to behave-she does for your husband after all. Cuddles, cuddles and more cuddles.
Don't be too hard on yourself, this will pass and you will have your family together again and hopefully your girls won,t remember this time at all.

redskyatnight · 13/07/2013 20:20

I had exactly this with my eldest when my youngest was in hospital. They are desperate to see you but in a subconcious way cross at you for being away. and you are desperate to make the most of the visit but hard for it to be "normal".

It's a horrible horrible time. My advice would be to try to keep things as relaxed as possible. I actually think not doing anything "special" works well - having you home is the special thing, she just wants mummy in home environment.

KirjavaTheCat · 13/07/2013 20:20

I agree with others, make the one day you see her as fun as possible. Take her somewhere nice, go play in the park, go out for ice cream etc. Cheap bribery will not ruin her! She needs to see you smiling and happy , don't sweat the small stuff.

What a tough situation for you, I hope it improves for you all.

Dackyduddles · 13/07/2013 20:21

I agree. I was seperated from dd1 due to newborn and dd1 chix pox. I realised very quickly she understood I left without much word (to have dd2 despite 9 mths prep) and stayed with preferred baby over her.

We were apart 8 days and she pined in behaviour word and deed. She misses her mummy even if she's very happy with daddy. It's a dreadful situation and I'm very sorry but right now stop fretting the small stuff. You can correct that later. Honestly.

Don't underestimate what she does understand and what she might perceive. You need both to get along eventually too. You are integral to it all working as is dh.

cory · 13/07/2013 20:21

Could you maybe just try to pick your battles? How important is it that she eats at every single meal (particularly in this heat)? It's not as if something that happens when she is 22 months is going to decide her whole behaviour and attitude for years to come. Why not try to follow your dh's lead in the parenting for the time being?

Tantrums are normal for her age- why would they make you feel you are bad for her? Do you think you might be projecting some of your anxiety about dd2 onto your relationship with her big sister?

sydlexic · 13/07/2013 20:22

Well said Shooting star.

cory · 13/07/2013 20:22

cross-posted with everybody else: glad to see that great minds think alike

Dackyduddles · 13/07/2013 20:24

Watch tv! Just sit on sofa together enjoying a film.

Make memories not regrets. She won't be in therapy for having too much love will she? ;)

Hope all improves for u soon x

Original poster

ThirtyLove · 13/07/2013 20:25

Thanks for the responses. Unfortunately I'm struggling to get home more for various reasons - car issues which admittedly we could resolve with a bit of thought and expense, BF'ing issues (or rather, expressing issues, whole other story there but it's easier to express at the hospital than at home so on Saturdays I totally compromise the BFing), but the main one is that DD2 is so ill that at least one of us needs to be there at all times because there are always decisions to be made and things we need to be aware of. And it generally has to be me because DH works...

I get what you're saying about 'don't sweat the small stuff' but for example today even when doing something fun (we went swimming outside) she threw massive tantrums, was kicking me etc. I will bear it in mind and try to nag less

OP posts:

CaptainSweatPants · 13/07/2013 20:27

You poor poor thing

What an awful situation to be in

Could Dh take some more time off work so you can all be together

KirjavaTheCat · 13/07/2013 20:28

I think that toddlers tend to pick up on your tension and reflect it, when was the last time you did something for yourself OP?

meddie · 13/07/2013 20:29

pretty much what everyone else has said. her little world has been turned upside down and she is too young to understand. before her sister arrived she had her mummy and daddy and now suddenly mummy has gone and seems anxious and sad when she does come home and she doesnt understand why. she will act out, thats normal for a child that age.
She will want you but may test the boundarys with you, she will also be angry with you and her behaviour may regress (thats normal too, when a child is upset).
Could you possibly come home more or at least have the family together for the weekend? Are you staying in McDonald house accomodation? Could you ask for a family room.
please dont stay away from her as hard and upsetting as it is, due to the worries you have with your second child.
She is still a baby herself and she needs her mum and stability.

CleverlyConcealed · 13/07/2013 20:29

ThirtyLove - I posted on your other thread. When my dd was in hospital for a prolonged period my dh was at home with my two other dcs and I only got home once a week.

Like you I found it very difficult. tbh I didn't want to be there; I needed to be back at the hospital and really just felt I was passing the time waiting to get back. My dcs (they were 5 and 2) were confused and upset most of that the time I was with them and we didn't have the best time together. I agree with the others - make it a no pressure day - do what is easiest for you and what gives her the nicest time even if that's a duvet day eating crap. And yes give visiting you at the hospital a go too - mine quite enjoyed it and I was much more relaxed because I was in dashing distance of the unit and not 60 miles away biting my nails.

I hope there's some improvement in dd? Have they managed to get her off the vent?

cory · 13/07/2013 20:30

"I get what you're saying about 'don't sweat the small stuff' but for example today even when doing something fun (we went swimming outside) she threw massive tantrums, was kicking me etc."

Afraid that is normal for the age. Nothing to do with your being a bad parent; that's why it's known as the terrible two's. And particularly likely to happen on a day of something exciting like swimming, because they get over-excited and over-tired.

The only way to survive the next two years (or make that 4, to give your second dd a chance) is NOT TO TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Mutter to yourself "it's just a phase, it's just a phase, it's just a phase".

Original poster

ThirtyLove · 13/07/2013 20:30

I'm just starting to think she hates me I suppose.
She spends more time with DH and her CM than me, part of me wonders if she even knows I'm her mum. She's calling me by the CM's name.

I feel so depressed about it.

OP posts:

cory · 13/07/2013 20:31

And as others have said, be kind for yourself. This must be a horrible, horrible time for you. But it will pass.

ArabellaBeaumaris · 13/07/2013 20:32

I just looked at your other posts, OP.

It sounds horrendous. How is DD2 doing?

mercibucket · 13/07/2013 20:32

in a similar situation, i tried to see ds2 as much as possible. it is really hard try the weekend visits and see how it goes maybe? but, yes, 22 months is still tiny. you will look back and see this. it is because you have the smaller baby that she seems all grown uo. at least, i felt that way with my eldest
dont worry about the small stuff, toddler tantrums can be tamed later on
hope your youngest is soon on the mend

cory · 13/07/2013 20:33

If she hates you because she plays up for you, then I would estimate that roughly 85% of toddlers loathe their mothers.

You are taking this personally because you are, very understandably low and vulnerable. But remember this is not your little girl's fault: she is just doing what normal children her age do, particularly when faced with a new sibling and/or stress in the family. She can't control that. But you can control your reactions.

mrsjay · 13/07/2013 20:33

make her day fun it is not a normal day for her she is excited and a bit confused what is going on she really is just a baby dont worry if she wont eat dont fret about it, I hope you are ok and the baby gets well soon

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