Only see my DD one day a week and we spend it battling

[ThirtyLove]

Circumstances dictate at the moment that I only see DD1 (22 months) one day a week - Saturday. This is due to 1mo DD2 being in ICU in hospital in a different town so I stay there through the week whilst DH works and stays at home with our eldest.

She's always been a daddy's girl, and I admit I'm the 'hard' parent who frets about boring things like food, but I am spending that one day just nagging and battling with her refusing to do even the simplest things, refusing to eat, and having meltdowns about the most minor of things. Today she hasn't eaten at all, it took 40 minutes to get a cup of milk into her, and it all ended up with me shouting at her then sobbing on the bed.

For DH she is good as gold (and I know she is, it's not just him saying it). I'm starting to wonder if it does more harm than good me coming home at all. My DH insists on me coming home because he wants to see DD2 (obviously) and we don't have anyone to look after DD1 so we have to play swapsies like this. I miss DD1 when I'm away but if my sudden appearance and disappearance is unsettling for her should I just stay away?

The other option is to have her at the accommodation I'm staying in at the weekends, with DH as well, so at least he's a constant presence in her life. We are trying to keep things as routine as possible during this period - which is likely to go on for some weeks and months yet - so I prefer her to be in her own bed.

What would you do? WIBU to do either of the above or shall I stick with it? It's so hard and I'm stressed enough as it is without feeling like my eldest hates me and I'm a terrible mother to her

Don't wake her up. But go in and have a secret sniff.

I really do get that your little one is very poorly, but your older child is crying out for you! Do you really just sit next to your babies ICU bed 24/7? Is there no time you can see your older dd for even a couple of hours a day?

Sorry, op but your dd is finding all this very difficult to handle & she is lashing out. My fear would be that you never get to repair that relationship & once the baby is home, the older child resents it so much, that that causes it's own issues.

I hope your situation improves, but please...you really need to think of your older baby who, for all intents & purposes, thinks you have abandoned her for her sibling. She had you to herself all that time & now you are not even a part time parent. She will only see it that you love her sibling more than you do her.

Sorry, harsh I know. But if you don't try to change it soon, you have to accept that she may never get over 'losing' you.

opps, posted too soon...

But if you don't try to change it soon, you have to accept that she may never get over 'losing' you & this will be your relationship with her from now on.

differentname, that's really unhelpful. The OP has explained twice now that no, she can't change how much time she spends in the ICU "just" sitting next to her baby's bed. And her older daughter will be fine. Plenty of children have parents who are away for long periods of time for various reasons, and their relationships are just fine. Don't be so melodramatic.

OP, thinking about you. I hope as others have said that you're taking care of yourself as well.

differentname that has really upset me. My baby was transferred to a different town so no, I can't just pop home for a few hours as much as I would like to. When I'm away I don't have my car and DH has to come and get me, around his work which is 8am til 5pm. DD1 goes to bed at 7 and also needs to eat. One parent needs to stay local to DD2 (the one time we did come back together we walked through the door and received a call to say we had to return to the hospital as DD2 had crashed). It's logistically very difficult. I am doing the best I can. Til you've walked in my shoes and all that. It's more about being local at the moment than 'sitting by her ICU bed'. Once she's less critical I could possibly do it, but then of course she will hopefully be BFing.

Im not sure she's actually aware she has a sibling either.
And I've not exactly been 'there' full time for a while - I've worked FT since she was 9mo. And I don't think she's ever been that bothered about me anyway, she probably prefers it when it's just her and daddy.

She misses you, and when you're there she acts out to punish you for when you're not there. Hang in, try to see her more often if at all possible. You are the adult, she's the child and she needs her mummy.

Feel for you OP. when DD was born she was in neo-natal for a few weeks & I now wonder what life would have been like if she wasn't our first. DH works for himself too & had loads of flexibility, I used to wonder what it was like for the other parents who children had been there for months & had other DCs.

Your DD loves you, she just missed you. Totally agree with other posters who say pick your battles. Some days my DD goes whole days without eating. She's still healthy! I'd rather not be nagging mummy all the time. Just keep cuddling her. She misses you but is not mature enough to express it.

How long has your DC been in hospital? Agree with others who say you need a break. DD was only in a few weeks but I remember having a break down once leaving her. I was just tired.

Hope things start looking up - you sound like a very strong & loving mother.

Let her come to to the hospital. Often there are playrooms and you can sit and play with her there. Forget about sticking to a routine, just be together as a family at the weekend.

I'm sorry you have a child in ICU - I hope things are better soon.

When dd was born, I was in hospital for a bit before then we had a week-long scbu stay.

DS started similar behaviour. Behaving badly for attention eg not eating, regressing with toilet training, refusing to dress or clean teeth. I think it was because these areas were the only things he could seize control of.

I completely turned a blind eye to it & killed him with kindness. Bought him a new scooter etc.

His behaviour improved dramatically.

If you aren't seeing much of dd she will be feeling insecure. And you'll be frazzled with a child in ICU.

I hope things are better with your DD very soon

I don't want to repeat lots of the sensible stuff on this thread. I do want to repeat this: your daughter (the older one) does love you. She wouldn't be better off without you. I think you are feeling guilt about everything: your dd2 being ill; the home situation; everything - and you are punishing yourself.

Stop. You have done nothing wrong. You deserve love and have been given love. Your daughter loves you. a. some of this is normal toddler behaviour b. some of this is exactly how toddlers handle stress.

You can't protect her completely from the stress. You and your husband are doing your best. And it is a good best. Accept you are doing a good job - in awful circumstances.

I think you are punishing yourself for not being able to give dd1 and dd2 an idyllic time. Please don't. This is not your fault.

Now you must cut yourself some slack - and you must acknowledge this is hard and you are doing very well, considering - and I suspect that will help you with your time with dd1.

Good luck: with now, and with the future.

I agree with HildaOdgen , I think you need to be all together at the accommodation most weekends so you can be a family again for a couple of days a week. You can take it in turns with each dd, get a couple of hours together as a family of 3 (as dd1 remembers her life being) but remaining close to the hospital if you are needed and also allow each parent at least an hour each to themselves which is also really important for your and dh's health and sanity.

I can't imagine how hard this is on you all and really hope dd2 improves quickly

Op you've had some very good advice on this thread so I won't just repeat what others have said, but OP these are for you and some for later. It sounds like you've been through hell and back since dd2 was born. I really hope she improves as rapidly as possible.
Please don't beat yourself up about your dd1. You obviously Love and care for her a great deal and she will know this once things return back to some sort of normality.
it sounds to me like you are a fantastic mum who is trying her utmost in the most difficult of situations. X

Sorry, just realised that sounds like I'm saying she doesn't know you love her now, and that's not at all what is meant. She DOES know you love her, it's just that things are different to her usual pattern and she's 22 months. I fact she sounds very similar to both of mine at that age with no huge upheaval going on in the background...and of course because she's your first you can't rationalise that because you've not had a 22 mo before.
She knows you love her, she's just doing what she an to cope with the situation as it stands. You all are. X

OP I have seen my niece in NICU and the strain that put on her parents without an older child to worry about too. It is a horrible, stressful, relentless thing that you are going through.

You are doing the best that you can under a huge amount of pressure and strain. Most of that pressure you have no control over, but I agree with everyone else on here who says try and lower your standards where you can! Watching hours and hours of TV on your knee is probably exactly what your DD1 needs right now.

Have you any friends you could ask for help? I know from my own experience that I would have chopped my arm off if my baby niece needed it but it was sometimes very difficult to see what needed doing. People may feel that they don't want to bother you or upset you - but if you asked them for help (could someone drive your DD1 over for a couple of hours in the afternoon midweek, whilst your DP is still at work?) then they may well be very willing to do so. Bloody hell, I'd do that much for someone I barely knew! Even if you are in a different town they could drive her and drop her with you then go and do weekly shop or whatever before coming back to pick her up.

If no friends, a babysitter? Ask at nursery / local CMs to see if there is anyone you could pay to do this?

I really hope things improve for you all soon. Stay strong.

I cant believe people are suggesting you could leave your child in hospital. unfortunately everything slides at a time like that and it sounds like youre doing everything you can. take care of yourself as well and try not to beat yourself up that you cant do everything for everyone at the moment. all you can do is your best.

Just love her on that day. Stay at home perhaps, so nothing stressful. Snuggle on the sofa and watch a film or just play with her at home, cooking with her, doing everything with her and giving her all your time and all your love.

She needs normality and time with Mummy without any distractions. Lots of cuddles, lots of 1:1 time, no stress. With food - prepare lunch, pop some down for her (exactly the same as yours would be good) and just eat, no comment - or even just make one bigger lunch and you both pick at it, like you would with a weaning baby, so she feels special and included. She's refusing to eat because it gets her that attention she craves so so much. She's all wound up inside all week 'cos Mummy isn't there, then when you are, she's so desperate for attention and so full of a week's worth of missing you, that she hardly knows what she's doing.

This will pass, but for now, just love and understanding and cuddles.

Sorry about some of the unhelpful responses on this thread.
I've no direct experience of your situation, but when I was a toddler/pre-schooler there were two considerably long times when I was without my DM due to her being very unwell in hospital.
I can honestly say that it has not effected my relationship with her AT ALL. You and your DH are managing the best you can ( as my parents did) under the horrible circumstances.
What I remember about those times is my DPs trying to include me in what was going on. My DM knitted clothes from me when she was well enough so I had a little present whenever I visited, and she used to collect those little jams pots that would come with the hospital breakfast to give me.
And BTW, I often think I'm a bad mother and i haven't even got an excuse! And I don't think you and I are alone - its a key part of parenting IMO!!

I think thecatfromjapan wrote one of the wisest posts I've seen on mn. Read that. Print it if you have to. You're doing a good job in difficult circumstances

ThirtyLove

My intention wasn't to upset, just to make you ser this from your dds point of view. If you are upset, how do yo think she feels?

runawaysimba I agree, it probably wasn't helpful. Well then she needs to accept the status quo wrt her older child. Something has to give, and right now, that is a little girl of 22mths who is struggling. I am sorry, but that upsets me.

Im not sure she's actually aware she has a sibling either

Perhaps not, but please believe me, she is VERY aware that something is stopping you being her mummy. And she just doesn't know why! If you only need to be local, can't your dd be with you?

Working full time & seeing her day & night is A LOT different to just seeing your one day a week.

Never been in this situation but thought it might be useful to give your DD1's behaviour some context.

I am a single parent to my dc who is the same age as your DD1 and I get this kind of behaviour when I get home from work almost every night! I think it is just their frustration coming out because they have really missed you. Once dc has me all to themselves at the weekend the evenings are fine and then we start the week all over again and the nightmare resumes!! I know yours is a more extreme situation but I just wanted to demonstrate how quickly things will get back on track when DD2 is well enough to come home.

Continue being consistent with DD1 and things will come good when you are able to resume some kind of normality with your family.

It's upsets you does it differentname? Not nearly as much as it does the poor OP i imagine. What is the point of your posts except to make thirty feel even worse than she does already?

thirtylove - please don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing your best in incredibly difficult circumstances. I know because I'm in a similar situation. My gorgeous DS (4) was diagnosed with cancer 4 weeks ago. He is having chemotherapy as an outpatient but due to the biopsy and repeated temps/possible infection has spent the majority of that time in hospital. I am incredibly fortunate that our local hospital is only 5 minutes away and even more so that my mum lives with us and is taking care of our 1 year old DD at home. We also have other friends/family near by who can help out as needed. And despite all this help it is still really hard. I miss DD terribly but even when I am with her, my mind is always half at the hospital with DS and I am subconsciously counting the time until I can get back to him. I feel awful and very guilty but he needs me more at the moment. I can only imagine how much more difficult it must be to be 60 mins away and only seeing your DD1 once a week

I can only echo the sensible advise on her. Firstly give yourself a break. Secondly, I really wouldn't worry about anything but having a nice time when you are with DD1. In the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't matter if normal rules go out the window for one da a week. I would definitely get DH and DD to come and stay with you at the weekend if possible. You will automatically be mor relaxed if you're near the hospital and can get back quickly if need be.

I really hope DD2 is better soon and that you are all together under one roof again x

I have just read that she can stay at Mcdonald house with you I think that would be a great idea and all be together .