Only see my DD one day a week and we spend it battling

[ThirtyLove]

Circumstances dictate at the moment that I only see DD1 (22 months) one day a week - Saturday. This is due to 1mo DD2 being in ICU in hospital in a different town so I stay there through the week whilst DH works and stays at home with our eldest.

She's always been a daddy's girl, and I admit I'm the 'hard' parent who frets about boring things like food, but I am spending that one day just nagging and battling with her refusing to do even the simplest things, refusing to eat, and having meltdowns about the most minor of things. Today she hasn't eaten at all, it took 40 minutes to get a cup of milk into her, and it all ended up with me shouting at her then sobbing on the bed.

For DH she is good as gold (and I know she is, it's not just him saying it). I'm starting to wonder if it does more harm than good me coming home at all. My DH insists on me coming home because he wants to see DD2 (obviously) and we don't have anyone to look after DD1 so we have to play swapsies like this. I miss DD1 when I'm away but if my sudden appearance and disappearance is unsettling for her should I just stay away?

The other option is to have her at the accommodation I'm staying in at the weekends, with DH as well, so at least he's a constant presence in her life. We are trying to keep things as routine as possible during this period - which is likely to go on for some weeks and months yet - so I prefer her to be in her own bed.

What would you do? WIBU to do either of the above or shall I stick with it? It's so hard and I'm stressed enough as it is without feeling like my eldest hates me and I'm a terrible mother to her

Oh you poor thing. It sounds like dd1 is just trying to show you that she loves you and misses you - in the way only toddlers can. Dh works away a lot and ds does exactly the same to him each time he gets back. I have no advice, but I hope things get better for all of you soon x

I can't imagine the stress that you all are under and I hope things improve for you soon. But she doesn't hate you, she is kicking off because she wants your attention, and playing up is the best way (in her tiny head) to get it.

All I can think of is tonnes and tonnes of love. Patience. And yes, bring her to see you at the weekends, sod the routine. It's you she wants.

If you are in a children's hospital, is there a family service you could access? Often there are playworkers for the bigger kids who could either work with dd or with you as a family, or who will just offer some advice and handholding. Good children's hospitals understand its about the whole family and should offer you some support.

My very best wishes and I really hope things will be brighter soon xxx

You poor thing.
I can imagine how you must feel, but you have to remember-your DD1 does not, can not, process her emotions like you do.
Be Good Cop as much as you can. Just ignore her tantrums and praise her endlessly. Tell her what a wonderful girl she is, and what a help she is to you.
She doesn't hate you-she loves you and misses you. I hope your baby can come home soon.

Give up barreling the food if she doesn't eat- so what.

Have lots of fun and be totally silly and daft with her. Be a pretend monster at changing times, fly get to her room, read with silly voices, pretend she is a dog at tea time and a baby bird at bedtime b

sod the routine. It's you she wants.

ABSOLUTELY THAT

And perhaps the one bright spot is, as ifnot says, that you get to be good cop which mums never get to be so you should try to take pleasure in that, IYSWIM.

I wonder if you are having trouble 'letting go' though? Are you trying so hard to keep things steady that you feel you still have to be the firm, boundary-setting parent you always have been? You dont, you know. its ok to let the discipline go and just enjoy your time together.

This sounds harsh, but I think you have to ask yourself whether the benefit you are giving your DD2 by being with her 6 days a week, outweighs the damage you are causing to your DD1

I have no experience of this but I would probably have her at the accommodation with you then you could all be a family at the wkends.

sorry pressed post too early should have read
'This sounds harsh, but I think you have to ask yourself whether the benefit you are giving your DD2 by being with her 6 days a week, outweighs the damage you are causing to your DD1 by being absent for 6 days'

Wilson - I think that's the nail on the head right there.

Thanks all for the responses, I do feel more positive as a result and I definitely need telling that its ok to let go and just have fun with her.

It is ok. You are doing the best you can. I really wish I could reach through the screen and give you a big hug but I can't, so I will channel my Catholic Granny and say 'He never gives a load you cannae carry hen'. You are able for this. Xxx

I think having them come to hospital accomodation at weekends would be preferable. You and DH could be with baby a couple hours at a time. You parents could take DD1 out sometimes.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. She doesn't understand what's happening or why you're away and she's pushing you because she's angry, confused and upset. She'll also be picking up on the natural anxiety you're having. Forget the discipline, try to ignore the kicking and just reiterate verbally and physically that you love her. This will pass.

FWIW because of work I didn't see my DS for days at a time, he'd call for daddy when he was upset and it broke my heart. Now my work situation has changed and it seems all is forgiven and he cuddles m,e and is my little boy again.

You have had loads of good advice here and I just wanted to say I am so sorry you are all having such a hard time - please be kind to yourself and don't blame yourself or take her tantrums personally. I really hope things improve soon

my DD is 3.5 about 4 times a year Dh works away for about 2 weeks at a time she loves her daddy and misses him but refuses point blank to speak to him on phone now is is fairly articulate she says I want to see daddy not talk to him as if she is being fobbed off with second best with phone call she is delighted when he is home again and their relationships is the same as before he went away but I think she is cross because he goes away

your oldest daughter is cross with you because in her world (and all 2-4 year olds are completely self centred even if they do some sharing and caring they can't empathise) you have left her gone away and only come for flying visits and then you are sad and grumpy and shouty;she wants you home she wants normal mummy she simply can not understand why you are away and why you are sad

when with her go with the flow and let DH deal with any tantrums so long as she has fun she will not actually remember much of this if any; let her eat ice cream etc loads of children are grumpy when its really hot anyway and try and see her more but i realise for practical reasons this may not be possible

she does love you but at this present time she sees more of daddy

hope DD2 improves soon

And also remember that although she must seem like enormo child compared to your tiny DD2, she really is only a baby herself. So cut her even more slack.

Good luck - what a horrible heartbreaking situation to be in. I really hope your DD2 makes a good recovery.

Such good advice on this thread and so sorry you are going through this.

A very good friend of mine had a very similar situation. A very premature DD and a DS of 2 when she was born.

She said she felt so out of control and panicky in the hospital that, when she went home, she subconsciously, desperately tried to regain control there. This manifested itself in sleep, food etc issues with her DS when previously she had been pretty relaxed. She actually was offered counselling by the hospital as part if the general support offered and the counsellor helped her work it out. The advice was very much as on this thread - just to let things go. DS would be fine and she should just be fun mummy - to give her a break too.

This must be truly awful for you all understatement of the century and I wonder if the hospital would have someone for you to talk to if you wanted.

Adding to all of the other great advice - could you Skype a couple of times midweek as well? 6 days is a long time as somebody said above and it might help a little. But definitely don't get into any battles, eating isn't important if she eats most of the time, tantrums normal too. You could try validating her feelings which is where you reflect back to them (with words) what they are trying to tell you and it reassures them that you do understand and you do care. So say, I can see you're really cross about that. You really want to touch that and mummy won't let you. (or whatever). It sounds odd to us hut generally giving them a word for the feeling, letting them know you do understand even if you're not changing your mind really helps. It might be worth even sitting with her when you are both feeling calm and just letting her know it's okay and normal for her to miss you, it's okay to be sad, and that she is doing so well and you are proud of her even though she feels sad and angry sometimes, and just reassure her that you love her so much and she will always be your special baby even though the new baby is taking so much of your time.

I'm not sure I've ever been Fun Mummy; prior to this happening I was fat, grumpy, tired, ill, pregnant mummy for 9 months!

I don't have Internet access whilst away so can't Skype. I'm in a McDonald house and they said DD1 can stay if we bring a travel cot which we could easily do. I think we are going to try this next weekend because its just too stressful for all concerned and I think we need time together as a family unit anyway.

DD2 is just in a normal hospital but on a paediatric ICU, there's not a huge amount of family support although they have psychologists but I haven't done anything about this yet and probably won't if I'm honest.

A lot of people have said on this thread that I should spend less time with DD2 and more with DD1 but I can't due to how ill my baby is at the moment and the hospital have said one of us should be there at all times. My DH is a self employed tradesman and once he starts a job he can't leave til it's done so more time off for him isn't an option really. I just wanted to clear that up.

Thanks again.

I totally understand why you need to be with your littlest, and you should never feel bad about that. You have to do what you have to do. If having the whole family at the hospital one weekend could work, then do it.
Just cut yourself some slack, and remember that DD1 is just a baby really. The best thing about that is that she wont remember any of this in years to come, so do whatever works. x

And I am grumpy mummy most of the time, with no excuse!

I'd try to spend the weekend together at the accomadation,if at all possible,then you can spend shorter but more regular periods of time together eg split the day into 2/3 hour sections,alternate which dd is with which parent at any given time.It is easier to be 'fun' when it's for a short time (God love you,it's a very,very stressful time,no wonder you feel weighed down).

Try to get even an hour just to yourself too,whether it's to go for a head clearing walk,soak in a bath,whatever.

Forget about trying to keep in control about routines and rules,that can all be addressed when baby is well and home and life becomes 'normal'.

Hope your baby gets well soon,hang in there...this too shall pass x

My dd used to say to my dh 'go back to work' or 'get out' when he was working crazyish hours when she was that age. It was very upsetting for him and he felt she hated him when she went running to me for everything.

She is now 4 and i am under no illusion as to who her favourite parent is (although she will still come looking for me if she has any jobs she needs done ).

What i mean is, it is tough right now, but it's not permanent.

Feel for you though, it can't be easy being so stressed on your own all week with dd2 then come home to more stress of a different kind with dd1.

Soounds like a horrible situation for all of you. I hope your DD2 is well soon.

Not quite the same but I have a day off with my DD and since DS has started school, she has been a bit of a nightmare, and I've found myself getting angry with her. I read about love bombing on here and have tried a bit of it and my days off with her have been a lot nicer for both of us. I try not to do any housework or stress about what she eats on those days.

CleverlyConcealed - thanks for your messages on both threads, I can totally identify with you. I do think I've been way too focused on being Normal Stressy mummy trying to get jobs done, and not focused enough on just being with her and enjoying her. God I feel so guilty right now I could almost wake her up just to let her know I'm here

DD2 is now on a nasal vent and they're hoping to get her off it on Tues. At the moment I feel terrified of the future but it can't really be worse than the recent past so I'm sure I will cope.