Only see my DD one day a week and we spend it battling

[ThirtyLove]

Circumstances dictate at the moment that I only see DD1 (22 months) one day a week - Saturday. This is due to 1mo DD2 being in ICU in hospital in a different town so I stay there through the week whilst DH works and stays at home with our eldest.

She's always been a daddy's girl, and I admit I'm the 'hard' parent who frets about boring things like food, but I am spending that one day just nagging and battling with her refusing to do even the simplest things, refusing to eat, and having meltdowns about the most minor of things. Today she hasn't eaten at all, it took 40 minutes to get a cup of milk into her, and it all ended up with me shouting at her then sobbing on the bed.

For DH she is good as gold (and I know she is, it's not just him saying it). I'm starting to wonder if it does more harm than good me coming home at all. My DH insists on me coming home because he wants to see DD2 (obviously) and we don't have anyone to look after DD1 so we have to play swapsies like this. I miss DD1 when I'm away but if my sudden appearance and disappearance is unsettling for her should I just stay away?

The other option is to have her at the accommodation I'm staying in at the weekends, with DH as well, so at least he's a constant presence in her life. We are trying to keep things as routine as possible during this period - which is likely to go on for some weeks and months yet - so I prefer her to be in her own bed.

What would you do? WIBU to do either of the above or shall I stick with it? It's so hard and I'm stressed enough as it is without feeling like my eldest hates me and I'm a terrible mother to her

thirty sounds like you had a nice morning I assume cloudbabies is the coolest thing ever for a toddler

is she allowed to go in and see the baby in ICU or is it just parents maybe if she saw the baby even though she is sick would help her to relate to her , or do you think she is too young to understand and it might upset her, TBH I had 1 baby in scubu for a week and it was sos tressful we also had a 4 yr old, you are doing amazing with what life has thrown at you, in these situations imo you have just got tog et on with things the best you can and that is what you doing

oh god excuse my typos,

ThirtyLove - please don't let anyone here make you feel guilty about how you are handling this. If you haven't walked it differentname you have no clue. There is no right and wrong way to do this, it's shit and you just get on and do what you have to do. I'm glad you've had a lovely morning with dd.

Long term my dcs haven't been affected by our separation; the two year old (who's now 21) doesn't even remember it.

I'm hoping that dd is improving daily, I notice from your other thread she has chylothorax. Hope that settles soon too and that you have some good news on her prognosis.

Thirty - it sounds like a lovely morning. Just enjoy those cuddles.

Different - it's rare to see someone change their stance so gracefully. Your last post was lovely.

I don't have any experience of having an ill child or really any practical advice but I just wanted to echo those saying your DD's behaviour is really normal at that age. i am a single parent and my ds (now 11!) was like that permanently at that age, always playing for me, telling me to go away etc etc. It really will get better. x

playing up for me that should say

Just wanted to wish you all the best op. I really hope that the four of you can be home together very soon xxx

I have told the op that I am not posting anymore, but I wanted to quickly acknowledge ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged comment.

Thank you.

I just posted earlier but wanted to add my support - I've had 2 premature babies - one with a 95 day admission in nicu, the other 8 days.

Strangely, I found the 8 days harder as I had a 4 year old to factor in. It was hell on earth. I used to wonder with my 1st, how on earth parents managed who had more children at home. These 8 days were a real struggle, so if you've muddled through a month it must be really tough.

We found that DS bored easily on nicu - a 45 min stint was about his limit. We bought plenty of magazines, used the iPad & stickers-drawing to amuse him.

I could not have coped with him staying in hospital with me, especially after a section & when expressing milk, so I would consider that very carefully. Plus, when/if your child is a survival risk, their condition can deteriorate very quickly. It would have been extremely difficult (if not impossible) emotionally to look after another child in these circumstances.

I know how hard it is, and also that solutions under these circumstances are few & far between. It will be so much easier when your DD is home.

Sending you big hugs & positive vibes to your dd.

When my youngest was 2 DH started working away during the week.

He get home Friday night - but DD2 wouldn't have much to do with him till Sunday morning when she'd often be all over him then he was off Sunday night.

Her being very off with him did upset him - and this was despite phone calls and skping in the week. When he was around longer it would take a few days for her to settle down completely.

It's only gotten better since she got older.

Toddlers have a very different view of time.

Try and relax when you are with her and don't sweat the small stuff - like eating properly till things are more settled for everyone. I hope thing get better for you soon.

I think it probably better that you see her as much as possible even if she does play up - and at 22 months all mine played up at least once a day which always seems more of a problem when stressed and tired - so you don't disappear completely on her but you are obviously in a bad situation and doing the best you can.