Only see my DD one day a week and we spend it battling

[ThirtyLove]

Circumstances dictate at the moment that I only see DD1 (22 months) one day a week - Saturday. This is due to 1mo DD2 being in ICU in hospital in a different town so I stay there through the week whilst DH works and stays at home with our eldest.

She's always been a daddy's girl, and I admit I'm the 'hard' parent who frets about boring things like food, but I am spending that one day just nagging and battling with her refusing to do even the simplest things, refusing to eat, and having meltdowns about the most minor of things. Today she hasn't eaten at all, it took 40 minutes to get a cup of milk into her, and it all ended up with me shouting at her then sobbing on the bed.

For DH she is good as gold (and I know she is, it's not just him saying it). I'm starting to wonder if it does more harm than good me coming home at all. My DH insists on me coming home because he wants to see DD2 (obviously) and we don't have anyone to look after DD1 so we have to play swapsies like this. I miss DD1 when I'm away but if my sudden appearance and disappearance is unsettling for her should I just stay away?

The other option is to have her at the accommodation I'm staying in at the weekends, with DH as well, so at least he's a constant presence in her life. We are trying to keep things as routine as possible during this period - which is likely to go on for some weeks and months yet - so I prefer her to be in her own bed.

What would you do? WIBU to do either of the above or shall I stick with it? It's so hard and I'm stressed enough as it is without feeling like my eldest hates me and I'm a terrible mother to her

Sorry, op but your dd is finding all this very difficult to handle & she is lashing out. My fear would be that you never get to repair that relationship & once the baby is home, the older child resents it so much, that that causes it's own issues.

This i harsh and not helping at all, personally I was in hospital when dd1 was 16months old I was really ill and had to have 2 operations she didnt visit that often , our bond 19yrs later is great it had no last damage on her,

You are doing the best you can in the worst of circumstances, you can not be in two places at the same time, I know it's hard but cut yourself some slack. The crappyiest thing about parenthood is not having superpowers, how damn handy would it be if you could temporarily clone yourself right now.

As said up thread, DD1 doesn't hate you, she's confused, misses you and is nearly two. She articulates this as only a two year old can, by playing up. I used to get the same treatment from my DD at that age and as a LP we were never apart, so go figure.

This time will pass, DD2 will not be scarred for life. Unfortunately, in twelve years time when her teenage hormones kick in there's a good chance that this type of behaviour could be repeated, sorry.

Right now normal is suspended, there will be plenty of opportunities to play bad cop when DD2 comes home and some kind of normal is resumed
(as much as getting them to eat properly, washing hands, not wanting them to be general pains etc is being a bad cop).

Go and see the psychologist, you are living through a trauma and a therapist is a safe non judgemental environment to vent and be heard without worrying about hurting anyone else's feelings.

I'm sure you know already what has been said in the majority of supportive posts you have received so far. It is so difficult to achieve clarity and perspective when the trauma is ongoing (just because you have established a routine doesn't mean the trauma isn't ongoing).

You're her mum and sometimes theres no greater acknowledgement of how important you are to her then her being a pain.

Be kind to yourself.

I don't know what exactly you should do but this might help re the eating situation smartparentprogram.blogspot.co.uk/2012/03/dont-force-your-child-to-eat.html?m=1

It's only been a month and she is probably very confused :( Maybe you unconsciously expect that she should act more mature than she is, in that she is no longer as dependent a baby as her sister is, but most young dc regress a bit when a sibling arrives let alone when her mum is also absent and life as she knows it disrupted. Also I wonder if your anxiety to enjoy your limited time with her means your perception of her behaviour and reactions is out of proportion. Forget routines and all but the most basic discipline, there will be time to set things right later on. She doesn't want to eat, don't worry overly - she is just a toddler still and they often prefer to graze than eat large meals and she will when she is hungry. Make sure whatever she does eat is as nutritious as possible and eat with her. Spending time to introduce her to the baby and the hospital environment would be good . You and dh could each still spend time at the PICU and also together with her. Wishing you well, please don't blame yourself .

I was often separated from my parents as a young child when my brother was chronically, and later terminally, ill. Not for the length of time you're talking about but I was in nursery all day and often dumped on neighbours at a moment's notice whilst they rushed him to hospital and stayed there for hours/days.

According to my mother I was an absolute fiend from hell when they finally took possession of me again, screaming the house down over the slightest infraction and generally giving a good impression that I hated their guts. I remember feeling totally unloved and second best. There is no way to adequately explain the situation to a young child, only the passage of time and maturity can help them make sense of their feelings. But I don't believe removing yourself from your child's presence will help at all - it only reinforces the negative feelings they have about themselves and/or you.

You are doing the best you can in a thoroughly shitty situation for everyone.

If you can sort weekends together that would probably be of benefit to you all, you get more time with DH and DD1, DH gets more time with you and DD2, and DD1 gets more time with you and more family time. Everybody gets more of what they need.

I can understand why you wanted to keep DD1 in her routine, but children that age (I've got one here!) are so flexible and their needs are pretty simple. Weekends at the hospital with you and Daddy would rapidly become a routine in themselves and you would all benefit.

FWIW my brother was in hospital for six weeks when I was three

And do bear in mind most 22 month olds can be hard work . Just because your dh says she is good for him doesn't mean you and he have the same standards or that he isn't trying to reassure you all's well.

Oops!

My mum was a single parent and had to stay with him, a couple of hundred miles away. She couldn't even come home one day a week. I stayed with my Aunt and Uncle an hour from home as my Dad couldn't have me at his house. My Aunt took me to see my Mum for a couple of HOURS a week at the hospital.

OP I so feel for you - we had similar - I was in for nearly a week due to c/s and then DD became very ill a few days later and spent two weeks in hospital. It was the most awful time.

Please do spend as much time with your eldest child as possible, she needs and wants you regardless of how she is behaving. Is there anyway that DH could do a midweek overnight bringing DD1 too - sod bedtime.

Differentname please give me a break. This isn't a situation I've engineered - it's been thrust on me with no preparation and it is the worst time of my life. Telling me my relationship with my eldest is permanently damaged as a result is hugely upsetting for me and I am stressed enough. I AM DOING THE BEST I CAN.

FWIW this week was a little different as DH had some days off so we swapped and I went home Tues and Weds. I do take the chances when I can (though of course it means tearing Darling Daddy away from her ).

We have discussed next weekend and if DD2 is well enough we may both go home and have a nice time with the 3 of us but it will be hard leaving my baby alone on her own in hospital.

I'm not sure why I'm justifying my movements - it is what it is and I'm doing my best.

I want to thank everyone who's been kind and thoughtful with their posts - I'm pretty fragile right now

Nocake I hope your boy gets well very soon, lots of love to you all

Bloody phone!

It in NO WAY affected my relationship with my Mum, we are so close, far closer than many of my friends are to their Mum.

Whilst Different has pop psychoanalysed your DD I doubt very much she has ever been in this situation, because as this thread shows, those of us who HAVE have all said it hasn't affected our relationships.

Experience over assumption every single time.

Thirty :( How is DD2 doing? What is her prognosis like?

As for DD1, of course she loves you - you are her Mummy x Toddlers can be hard work (especially when you are the 'hard' parent) even when things are 'normal' and this is far from normal :(

It must be very confusing for her, but the good news is - they soon get used to a different routine and she is only tiny, once you have DD2 sorted out and things go back to normal she will soon forget all about this time of her life.

If it were me I would do whatever I could to spend more time with her (so if that means DH & DD2 coming to the RM house every weekend, then that's what would happen. Don't expect it to be easy, especially the first few times, but just treat it like anything else that has to be done and you will gain the long term benefit from it.

Your DD loves you both - this isn't a competition between you and DH for DD's love. They pretty much all go through stages of only wanting Mummy or Daddy and being 'better behaved' for one or the other.

You are seeing normal toddler (stressed) behaviour and thinking 'she doesn't love me' - that isn't right. She's kicking off because she wants MORE of you, not less of you.

Be firm about very naughty behaviour (ie no kicking) but let pretty much everything else go, now is not the time to care what she eats, when she eats or pretty much anything else - Let It Go. Get by. Cope. There will be plenty of time to 'get her sorted' when this phase of your life is over. Really there will x

Take care
x

I'm so sorry you are in this situation and I am horrified by some of the responses you have had.

It is very clear that you are doing the very best you can for both of your daughters, and that is plenty good enough.

The only thing that I will add is that I wonder whether it is worth trying to verbalise some of DD1's feelings, it sounds a bit woo, but it can work wonders. Something like: 'You are so angry at Mummy for going away' or whatever fits for you, and then a big cuddle with lots of 'Mummy loves you so much' type statements.

My very best wishes to you. Take care.

To answer a question from further up, DD2 has been in ICU for 4 weeks now. I also had a crash CS so had a few days in hospital prior to that (she was 4 days old when she was admitted to ICU shortly after we got home). DD1 only met her sister at home briefly and may have forgotten her by now. I probably shouldn't even be driving yet but I just had to as life was hard enough. Everything is difficult - we live 300 miles from both sets of family and have no local support network. My DM came down for the first few weeks when both myself and DH were at the hospital a lot - it was incredibly touch and go, it's now just 'touch' - but has had to go home now so it's just us trying to manage everything between us.

I acted on a lot of the advice here and had a lovely morning with DD1. I tried that 'verbalising' thing but she just wanted to watch Cloudbabies...

So glad you have had a lovely morning. You are doing a great job under the most difficult of circumstances.

I'm so glad you've had a nice morning. Keep going with tv and cuddles! Does dd still nap? Because I think a wee afternoon snooze together would be just the ticket...

So sorry you're all going through this, OP.

Apologies if I'm duplicating anyone's points (probably will be) but 22 months is so very, very little still - having more of you massively trumps routine IMO. She is confused and upset and lashing out - but that is not your fault, it is entirely inevitable in the situation - hard, unfair on you all, but I think inevitable (although it certainly doesn't mean relationships will be damaged long-term). If she can stay with you at the hospital accommodation, for at least part of the time, I would really recommend that, tbh. Might it be possible to take her to see her sister? Of course the setting might be unfamiliar and frightening to her, but children can be very accepting of all sorts of circumstances and I think it would reassure and comfort her to have an idea of where her mum and baby sister are, iyswim.

Completely different situation, obviously, but my ds2 spent a few days in hospital at 3 weeks having IV ABs for an infection. I was in with him and ds1 (then 2.5) spent as much time with us as possible. He was very untraumatised by the wires and tubes and our brief walks together through the hospital grounds while dh or a nurse watched ds2 were reassuring to him, I think.

Hi Thirtylove,
What a horrible situation. You must be so distressed. My mum was in a similar situation to you when my DS was born and it affected her for a long time. I did the same thing, kissed the new baby, hated my mum, did not eat... She ignored it all, carried on loving me and being there (once my DS was home) and we are very close now (and during my childhood). It made no medium to long term difference. Ask DH to take on the challenges and just be the fun one for the short time you get.

The thing I do wish is that my parents had not seen my DS as a miracle just for surviving and they had treated us a bit more evenly. But now I am a mum I get it!

I hope that things improve for you very quickly. Try to take some time for yourself too. I think we spend so much time trying to make everyone else happy we forget ourselves at these times. Happy mum=happy kids.

Would post flowers if I knew how!
Good luck xxx

Thirty
I'm sorry you are having such a tough time of it. I think all of you spending a weekend at the hospital might be a good idea as DD1 will see what you are actually doing ( and that you are not doing loads of fun things with her baby sister).

DH takes the children to visit his family for most of the summer whereas I might only go out there for 10 days. So from toddler age onwards my children have been away from me for at least 3 weeks every year with only minimal telephone contact- there has been no long term impact on our relationship at all ( now 5 and 9). I do remember meeting DH and DS1 at the airport when DS1 was a toddler and DS1 greeted me with a vampire like bite to the neck - not the best feeling ever.

Hope everything keeps moving in a positive direction.

OP, have pm'd you. I have over stepped the mark here. I did have the best of intentions, but I think I went about it in the worse possible way. Of course you are doing your best, it was wrong of me to come across as if I was questioning that.

I am genuinely sorry & I can see that I have only added to your burden, this was not my intention.

Good luck with everything!

CoolaSchmoola - your doubt is wrong.

I have an idea...
Could you use a smart phone/ camera to record yourself reading your dd's favourite bedtime story? Audio or video?
So she could watch/listen before bed. Or singing her favourite songs or telling her a made up story or whatever feels most appropriate?

I hope you're all home together soon

differentname do you actually have any experience of this? You may think you're being helpful but you're not.

thirty I have seen countless parents being separated from their other children due to a sibling being in ITU. Because we followed them up for a long period of time (burns) we got to see the interaction between the family unit months after the initial event. Things settled back down and families were families again. Your dd will forget this.

As I said before work has made me leave my DS for weeks on end and now my DH works away and only makes it back for odd days off. DS has adapted and we both have a fantastic relationship with him. My own parents had to be away for stretches of time as children and I have a great close relationship with them both.

You are trying your best in a dreadful time but this will end. Your baby will be home with you soon and you can become your little family unit again. Your dd is still a baby and whilst at the moment it is a big deal for her, in time she won't be able to remember the time mommy was away when her db was sick.

I would also like to add that your dd has her Daddy and CM who are still constants. If she was removed from both parents and her cm things would be very different, but she will be ok. And so will you!

The thing is, as you've said, this isn't a situation you've engineered or planned for. And you're just trying to do your best while (I assume) stressed and terrified for dd2.

Big hugs x

different apologies I didn't see your post above.