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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think choosing not to have a child does not make you "unlucky"?

98 replies

SaucyJack · 13/07/2013 11:25

Saw a vile bitch frenemy at a gathering at the weekend who has really REALLY REALLY got my dander up by twatting on about how "lucky" I am to have children.

Basically, she's always wanted children in a semi half assed fashion, but has never wanted the hard work and sacrifices that go with raising a family.

Which is fine, and absolutely her choice. I just strongly object to the inference that I was "lucky" because I wanted children more than I wanted a disposable income/sleep/flat stomach/freedom/yadda yadda yadda.

Sorry. Rant over. Pg hormones.

PS: I know she isn't infertile and I'm not taking a pop at anyone else who can't have children for medical reasons.

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 13/07/2013 11:27

I can't understand why you are quite so upset by her comment. Maybe if you don't like her, anything she said may have upset you?

NewAtThisMalarky · 13/07/2013 11:30

How can you know she isn't infertile, if she doesn't have kids?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 13/07/2013 11:30

I suppose it is fortunate when someone is clear on the path they want to take in life rather than being so conflicted that they feel torn and feel they cant make a good choice no matter what they do-they lose.

DawnOfTheDee · 13/07/2013 11:30

Do you know what lucky means? It's just you're saying "lucky" like most people would say "steaming dog turd".

Chivetalking · 13/07/2013 11:31

I don't really understand the upset either Confused

Sounds as though she was just making polite small talk.

mynameisslimshady · 13/07/2013 11:33

I feel very lucky to have my children, I imagine most people do. I don't get why you are upset really Confused

patienceisvirtuous · 13/07/2013 11:33

YABU

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 13/07/2013 11:36

What a vile bitch. Calling you 'lucky' to have the children you dearly want. Hmm

melbie · 13/07/2013 11:38

I feel unlucky not to have children. I desperately want them. But I did not think it was appropriate to get "accidentally" pregnant with someone's child and I have not a met a man who would like to have children with me (and there is often flaming for the suggestion of intentionally having children alone). Now that is not purely unlucky as it is partly because I choose terrible men and am a bit of a fuck up but it is not because I have CHOSEN to have my career/sleep/disposable income. I would happily make the sacrifices involved and I will do one day.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 13/07/2013 11:39

Hard work and sacrifice ain't everyone's childrearing lot. Some of us just breeze along

NewAtThisMalarky · 13/07/2013 11:43

I feel very lucky to have the children that I do. They are lovely people. And even at the ages they are now (mid teens) they are great to have around.

I know parents that want their children to move out at a similar age to mine. I can't imagine feeling like that for a long time.

intheshed · 13/07/2013 11:45

But how do you know she isn't having problems conceiving? When we were going through fertility treatment I brushed off any comments with a 'oh no, we're not ready for kids yet, I like my sleep too much!' while secretly dying inside at every pregnancy announcement.

SolomanDaisy · 13/07/2013 11:51

So don't you think you're lucky? Do you regret wanting children and then being lucky enough to have them?

Original poster
SaucyJack · 13/07/2013 11:51

Yes, I do know what lucky means and it's exactly that that has narked me. It wasn't some random stroke of chance that means I now have gorgeous, bright, funny children and she doesn't. It's because I put the effort into having babies and raising them. I find it a bit demeaning phrase if I'm honest. I wouldn't call someone who spent twenty years practising to become a concert pianist lucky, and I don't like the same principle being applied to me.

I know I sound like I'm ranting (and I possibly am). I guess you'd have to know how much of a self pitying emotional vampire she is to realise that it wasn't intended as a compliment or small talk.

OP posts:
LustyBusty · 13/07/2013 11:52

melbie snap. I also desperately want children. My current options are unprotected one night stand, sperm bank or adoption. Ho hum. Yup, saucyjack I think you're lucky too.

patienceisvirtuous · 13/07/2013 11:53

Exactly, intheshed. I know of at least a couple of friends who struggled with infertility and used to brush off said comments with 'no kids for us, we like our holidays too much' etc

Even if the lady in question in the OP isn't struggling with infertility, I don't see what she said that warrants being called a vile bitch.

Big unpleasant overreaction OP.

kitsmummy · 13/07/2013 11:58

Wow, you could have found yourself infertile with all the heartache that goes with that, so actually I think you're lucky to have the children that you wanted. You sound quite horrible op

squeakytoy · 13/07/2013 11:58

"It wasn't some random stroke of chance that means I now have gorgeous, bright, funny children and she doesn't. It's because I put the effort into having babies and raising them."

I put a lot of effort into trying to have babies... I was not lucky enough to have one. If you are infertile, you can put as much effort in as you like, but it wont make much difference will it, so yes lucky is the right word. You are lucky that you managed to get pregnant, and you sound quite cruel and unfeeling.

specialsubject · 13/07/2013 12:01

why is this worth more than a second of your time? Airheaded comment from someone you don't like. Smile and move on.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 13/07/2013 12:02

It wasn't some random stroke of chance that means I now have gorgeous, bright, funny children

It mostly was a random stroke of chance you know. Being able to have kids when you want them is a stroke of luck and the rest is just grind. What you really want is your 'friend' to bow down to your uneek super-awesome speshul mummy-powers & gifts. Or a Nobel Prize for Motherhood. Well done you.

Chivetalking · 13/07/2013 12:03

It sounds very much to me as though there's a back story she isn't sharing with you OP.

And you do realise that no matter how much effort is put into parenting 'gorgeous, bright, funny children' aren't a given for all?

Pancakeflipper · 13/07/2013 12:04

That sounds like the excuse my friend gives out to others about why she doesn't have children. She uses her career as a reason when those of us close to her know a little more detail about the failed treatments.

I know being a mother is hard work but my 8 yr old has just spent the last 5 mins giving me cuddle for no other reason except I am his mum.

DawnOfTheDee · 13/07/2013 12:08

Yes it was a random stroke of chance. Just the same random chance that you might not be able to have any children....or suffer mc after mc....or have a boy when you had your heart set on a girl.....or had a child that struggled to read when you're a prize winning novelist. It is all random chance.

As Tondelayo said - being able to have kids is luck, the rest is just grind.

mrsden · 13/07/2013 12:08

I've been trying for over 3 years to have a child, including countless tests, examinations, laparoscopy and a round of ivf that we paid for ourselves. So, I think I've put in a pretty good effort. Sadly, we're unlucky that dh has a very low sperm count due to being born with an undescended testicle. Fertility really is down to luck.

We haven't told anyone that about what we're going through and I brush off the endless comments about when we're going to have kids with a "oh not ready for all that yet" so don't assume she isn't trying.

Maryz · 13/07/2013 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.