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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think choosing not to have a child does not make you "unlucky"?

98 replies

SaucyJack · 13/07/2013 11:25

Saw a vile bitch frenemy at a gathering at the weekend who has really REALLY REALLY got my dander up by twatting on about how "lucky" I am to have children.

Basically, she's always wanted children in a semi half assed fashion, but has never wanted the hard work and sacrifices that go with raising a family.

Which is fine, and absolutely her choice. I just strongly object to the inference that I was "lucky" because I wanted children more than I wanted a disposable income/sleep/flat stomach/freedom/yadda yadda yadda.

Sorry. Rant over. Pg hormones.

PS: I know she isn't infertile and I'm not taking a pop at anyone else who can't have children for medical reasons.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 13/07/2013 12:14

You haven't finished raising your children yet OP

But this thread is making you sound like a bit of a martyr to it.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 13/07/2013 12:21

Ah now, you are being a bit smuggo. Totes echo what Mary said.

Januarymadness · 13/07/2013 12:22

A concert pianist is lucky to have the gift of talent to work with. So they are lucky too.

Every child is a gift. More should think that way

DawnOfTheDee · 13/07/2013 12:27

Can't remember who said it but there's a quote that goes something like "genius is 1% talent, 99% hard work".

Also "the harder I practise, the luckier I get" springs to mind...

HandMini · 13/07/2013 12:30

Well.

You're lucky that you conceived and carried children who are now healthy and gifted.

I also believe (as a mother of two) that you have worked hard and put in the graft.

But you're still lucky.

And that's all she's said....based on the snapshot you've given us and a few friends I know, I would have thought she's quite envious of you.

Be grateful for what you have, and save the "motherhood is tough" chat for when you're with other mums. Of course she doesn't understand how many years it takes to get them to say please/thank you and not eat like animals, but why should she? It's not your place to educate her on how tough parenting can be at times.

Jan49 · 13/07/2013 12:35

YABU

Your title asks it the other way around - does choosing not to have a child make you unlucky? No it doesn't. But having children that you wanted to have or are glad you've got makes you lucky. Plenty of people want children but they don't always manage to have them.

Some people will get pregnant easily or by accident and make little effort in raising their children yet will still have "gorgeous, bright, funny children" and others will try hard and be unable to have children or will have children who have lots of difficulties. Even the concert pianist will usually have a natural talent and won't get there just through hard work.

Of course, luck doesn't really exist so the whole concept is flawed. What it comes down to is, you can work really hard at something and not succeed or work really hard at it and succeed. Life is like that. Be glad your choice to have children is working well for you.

Cravey · 13/07/2013 12:58

Have you ever thought that maybe she really wants a child and can't have one. Is very easy for you to say she's selfish and doing it in a half assed way. Yabu and a tad nasty. You don't know what's going on so why comment. In fact if I was her I would be more than happy that you were a frenemy and not a true friend.

SunshineBossaNova · 13/07/2013 12:59

YABU

Get over yourself.

Lj8893 · 13/07/2013 13:19

I agree with everyone else that has posted.

I don't think the vile bitch is the woman that called you lucky.

I think you need to look closer to home. You don't sound like a very nice person.

Purpleprickles · 13/07/2013 13:25

Yabu- agree with what other posters have said. If she hasn't had a child there is absolutely no way you can tell if she is infertile. Equally there is no way you can tell if anyone is struggling with fertility unless they tell you. I have one son and am struggling and unlikely to have another. You wouldn't know unless I told you. I might call you lucky (because you are lucky to have a child or children even if you have put the hard work into raising them) and you might take offence.

Or it could be that earlier in her life she placed importance on her career and child free lifestyle which she now regrets because she'd really like a child. So she feels you are lucky in the sense you realised you'd like children earlier in life.

It's funny because until your option of not having a child whether it be a first, second or third is taken out of your hands I don't think you realise the immense pain this can cause you and how lucky other people become in your eyes.

Kasterborous · 13/07/2013 13:30

I have a DD and I think I'm very lucky to have her, especially because we had six miscarriages before we had her.

FrenchRuby · 13/07/2013 13:31

I think you don't like this woman so are nit picking at what she said to justify not liking her. I can't see why you're annoyed at all, seems like polite conversation .

Mehrida · 13/07/2013 14:45

How on earth can you possibly know that she doesn't have fertility problems?

After three years of heartbreaking ttc, invasive tests, waiting and hearing of others getting pregnant, we now have DS.

We consider ourselves super lucky.

YABU.

Original poster
SaucyJack · 13/07/2013 15:09

I'm 99.99999999999999999999999 per cent sure that she isn't keeping any fertility issues to herself, because quite frankly it is not in her psychological make up to keep her personal problems to herself, which is one of the main reasons I detest her so much. She's never held back from boring me with her woes before, and bitchy as it sounds she just would not be capable of keeping schtum on something so potentially sympathy inducing as infertility.

FrenchRuby I think you're right. I can't imagine her walking up to me and making any green eyed comment about my personal circumstances that wouldn't make me want to head butt her.

OP posts:
ANormalOne · 13/07/2013 16:04

Why on earth would you even bother giving the time of day to someone you clearly despise? Hmm I agree with what others are saying YABU and sound quite smug.

Maryz · 13/07/2013 16:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OHforDUCKScake · 13/07/2013 16:08

You sound awful.

In many different ways. Confused

WorraLiberty · 13/07/2013 16:10

Well how on earth does anyone know (including her) whether she has fertility problems if she's not been TTC? Confused

You need to woman up and cut this person out of your life if you detest her so much.

There's no such thing as a 'frenemy'...just 2 faced people who pretend to get along with someone and then bitch behind their back.

HildaOgden · 13/07/2013 16:24

You sound really,viciously nasty.

You were lucky to be able to have the children you wanted.No amount of planning,or hard work,or sacrifice can guarantee anybody that.There is luck involved.

Hopefully,if the target of your vitriol is lucky too,then she will never have to encounter your bitterness again.

And btw,don't blame pregnancy hormones for the bitchiness in your posts,it's a cop-out.

TotallyBursar · 13/07/2013 16:53

You are making yourself sound awful.

If you detest her so much, don't see her. But right now it looks like you prefer to so you have someone you can bitch about and feel superior to.
Most adults aren't going to join in with your nastiness or view it as the choice of an emotionally healthy, happy individual.

And your mummy martyr schtick? Please, get over yourself. And maybe recognise your children are individual, whole people that will soon be making their own choices...lets hope mummy's influence is still so strong then. Because of course every positive thing is down to your parenting.

baskingseals · 13/07/2013 17:02

Op, I understand, I think,how you feel. I don't think you are terrible for feeling so pissed off with her. Don't waste your energy on her, or this thread.

Enjoy the sun with your dc, and let other people think what they want.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 13/07/2013 17:03

You seem nice. Hmm

If your children are bright, gorgeous and funny then it might be despite having you as a mother, not because.

DoJo · 13/07/2013 17:19

YABU - if you don't like her, that's fine, but implying that people who don't have 'gorgeous, bright, funny children' just haven't put the effort is in appalling. This whole thread doesn't exactly portray you in a good light, so it might be worth considering how to avoid bringing out this side of yourself.

MrsPercyPig · 13/07/2013 17:28

OP either you are having a bad day or there is a part of you that doesn't enjoy having children as much as you make out!

Feminine · 13/07/2013 18:27

I think you have thought about it too much.

Her comment wasn't anything really...a bit like bus stop chit chat!

You have achieved a reasonably long thread so far though...Wink