... to have an argument with SIL over her post about controlled crying?

[katykuns]

Post: 'Dear mommy,

I am confused.
I am used to falling asleep in your soft, warm arms. Each night I lay snuggled close to you; close enough to hear your heartbeat, close enough to smell your sweet fragrance. I gaze at your beautiful face as I gently drift off to sleep, safe and secure in your loving embrace. When I awaken with a growling stomach, cold feet or because I need a cuddle, you attend to me quickly and before long I am sound asleep once again.
But this last week has been different.

Gentle, Tear-Free Sleep Solution
Each night this week has gone like this. You tucked me up into my cot and kissed me goodnight, turned out the light and left. At first I was confused, wondering where you?d gone. Soon I became scared, and called for you. I called and called for you mummy, but you wouldn?t come! I was so sad, mummy. I wanted you so badly. I?ve never felt feelings that strong before. Where did you go?
Eventually you came back! Oh, how happy and relieved I was that you came back! I thought you had left me forever! I reached up to you but you wouldn?t pick me up. You wouldn?t even look me in the eye. You lay me back down with those soft warm arms, said ?shh, it?s night time now? and left again.
This happened again, over and over. I screamed for you and after a while, longer each time, you would return but you wouldn?t hold me.
After I had screamed a while, I had to stop. My throat hurt so badly. My head was pounding and my tiny tummy was growling. My heart hurt the most, though. I just couldn?t understand why you wouldn?t come.
After what felt like a lifetime of nights like this, I gave up. You don?t come when I scream, and when you do finally come you won?t even look me in the eye, let alone hold my shaking, sobbing little body. The screaming hurt too much to carry on for very long.
I just don?t understand, mummy. In the daytime when I fall and bump my head, you pick me up and kiss it better. If I am hungry, you feed me. If I crawl over to you for a cuddle, you read my mind and scoop me up, covering my tiny face with kisses and telling me how special I am and how much you love me. If I need you, you respond to me straight away.
But at night time, when it?s dark and quiet and my night-light casts strange shadows on my wall, you disappear. I can see that you?re tired, mummy, but I love you so much. I just want to be near to you, that?s all.
Now, at night time, I am quiet. But I still miss you.'

She doesn't understand why it's angered me. In my opinion, it's emotional blackmail and utterly manipulative. I did controlled crying with DD1, but she was naturally a good sleeper so it wasn't really a challenging experience. DD2 isn't a great sleeper, and we do try for a few minutes to see if she will settle, but get her back up when she doesn't.
As I see it, this is written by an adult projecting her own feelings about CC onto others through the form of a poor vulnerable baby, it really doesn't sit right with me at all.
I don't really agree with co-sleeping, but I never would post stuff like this to upset people doing co-sleeping.

I posted what I felt about it... that I thought the post was in quite bad taste. She replied 'I am sorry you feel like that hun x' Gaaah.

I have left it, just not replied. She justifies it as seeing it from the baby's point of view and that CC didn't work for her....

'i didn't do CC, we did co sleeping for a time too. Well, i say sleeping but there wasn't much of that And personally, I don't agree with CC at all.
I say that so you know where I am coming from when I say the following
She's an arse.
What is the point of putting something like that out there unless you're trying to upset people and make them feel like shit?
It is really manipulative and in intent, really quite spiteful.'

Not again.
What Hec's said. Exactly.
When are we going to get a MN icon for that? Surely people say it often enough.

TeWi You're right no one could possibly know for sure the baby's perspective on CC/CIO.

But I'm guessing they aren't all happy sunshine flowers about it.

Putting myself in the baby's position, the post spells out it out pretty well. Yes this is my opinion.

It's pure speculation on both sides, nobody knows what a baby is feeling beyond hungry/tired, really.

I came to the conclusion that it was entirely possible that my baby may have felt sad and abandoned if I left him to cry alone at night, so I didn't. My choice, I lived with it, I didn't sleep very well for a year or so, he learned to sleep in his own time. It 'worked' for me.

To put that post up is thoughtless and mean, she might think she's directing it at callous, precious mothers who can't go without their 8-a-night for fear of getting eyebags, but in reality she's probably upsetting people who've literally come to the end of their rope and are exhausted, who don't need to be guilt tripped on top of all of it.

To emotionally berate people like that is awful, and to serve what agenda? She's doing what she feels is right for her child, good for her. I wish people would just keep their opinions to themselves unless they're asked to share them.

It doesn't bother me but it states in a long winded overly emotional way why I didn't do CIO/CC whatever you call it.

Just to point out that posting something on FB isn't imposing your views on anyone, as such. Anyone who uses FB "likes" or "share's" something it isn't a direct attack on anyone who doesn't share the same views.

Which is lucky because my page is full of "German Shepherds are the best" and i have lots of friends with other breeds of dogs.

Unless someone is inboxing or tagging you, ignore it, it isn't an aimed status.

I think that point is that the OP hasn't really done CC and yet still feels guilty. Why should she? She hasn't done anything wrong even by the standards of those who disagree with CC - well I don't think so anyway. The kind of drivel that the SIL has written is designed to tug at the heart strings and make people feel guilty, even those who don't need to which I think is actually quite unkind of her and as the OP says, manipulative.

I think using the word 'hun' is enough to block her though.

I hate this sort of shit and have similar friends on facebook who copy and paste this sort of drivel from 'gentle parenting' websites.

I started a whole thread on it not long ago
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a1795405-To-find-attachment-parents-pretty-blooming-judgemental-and-smug

As pointed out by others in that thread it just seems that there are quite a view holier than thou judgemental, attention seeking twats who like to project their thoughts on parenting very loudly at the moment and unfortunately they all seem to be babywearing, attachment parenting people at the mo.

To be honest all the associated terms - gentle parenting, attachment parenting etc are particularly vomit inducing I find!

I feel sorry for you its your SIL as you can't really get away from it!

its probably not far off the mark tbh

Meh. Facebook is the natural home of preachy crap. I just block people who annoy me from my newsfeed. Other people are more than welcome to proselytise all they like about their personal view on things (whether that's religion, childrearing, politics or whatever) - I reserve the right not to listen. If someone started preaching in person I'd tell them to stop, but Facebook is inherently just too passive-aggressive so you never get anywhere by calling people on their bullshit.

I think the point is that there are various things we do as parents (yes, even the gentle ones) which you could project as emotionally rejecting but normal people don't do this deliberately to make others feel bad e.g. 'One day I was drinking my mummy's yummy sweet milk and I wanted to bite her lovely soft skin so much so I did. I wanted to see what it felt like. Why are you cross with me now, mummy? Why did you shout 'owww' and pull yourself away from me? Do you not love me any more? What have I done wrong?'

Why would you want to guilt parents like that?

BigBoobiedBertha - I knew I would get the reaction of 'it only bothers because you did CC' and I know it's why my SIL is reacting the way she is, she thinks my point is invalid because I have done CC and am defending my choices. Sigh

" seriously evil"

No katykuns - not invalid at all.

I wouldn't mind so much but babies don't think like she is suggesting. They are still a bundle of reflexes and needs, not thinking rational beings and that is why it is emotional blackmail.

I don't think CC is good for a child but to suggest that the experience is anything like what your SIL suggests is nonsense because babies can't and don't think in those terms and they won't remember what happened. I would even go as far as to say it probably won't have any impact long term but I still didn't like the short term impact and I think for me that is justification enough for not repeating my short attempt at CC.

I feel the same about anybody who shoved the CC down my throat though. There are many who trot out the 'rod for your own back' and 'happy mummy, happy baby' nonsense too who would equally need blocking on FB.

I didn't do controlled cryingI did gradual retreat with my son when he was fifteen months, and there were was minimal to zero cryingbut this sort of posting makes me incredibly angry. I developed a crippling autoimmune condition after pregnancy, and rocking my son to sleep for forty minutes every day near killed me. Less and less we're forgetting the parents in the equation. And I say that as someone who would never do CC.

(Gah). Head slap. I meant more and more we're forgetting the parents in the equation.

It just reads as your bog standard Mummy-one up manship to me. If people spent a bit more time worrying about how they parent their own kids and less time passing judgement on others the world would be a much more pleasant place. If your SIL was genuinely concerned about the poor ickle abandoned CC babies then she'd post something constructive and interesting like research. This is designed to make other mums feel guilty and thus make herself feel superior. She is a dick.

What I believe when it comes to CC is that ideally, we would indeed respond to our children's needs with love and patience 24 hours a day. Some people are able to do that because they have kids who either don't have sleep problems or they have minor sleep problems or the parents themselves are emotionally very strong or patient. I faced big, big sleep problems with 2 of my kids. I tried and tried the gentle methods (including co-sleeping) as I felt these were best for my kids - I still do feel that. But they didn't work and I was genuinely at breaking point. I felt like my marriage and my sanity was crumbling. I have no regrets about CC, guilt yes, regrets no. I simply couldn't have carried on with no sleep. Maybe my kids are now fucked up for life, I doubt it though. Parenting is a long, long game with many difficult decisions along the way, and even if I didn't manage to do the best job possible in one area I'm sure I can make up for it in other ways.

Agreed stopgap - parents do need to take care of themselves a little too. Of course, the kids needs come first as much as possible but you can't completely sacrifice your health or sanity at the altar of your child.

YANBU - we don't do CC cause I don't have the patience, but I get v annoyed with 99% of cut-and-paste statuses. And this one is a bit sickly...

I've never CC'd but I find her post vomit-inducing and not at all how I would imagine a baby thinks. It's an adult projecting.

I agree with the sentiment of the post, but would still think anyone that posted it was likely to be a bit of a twat.

We can't know what babies are thinking and feeling, but just because they won't remember it and we don't have proof of what they feel, that doesn't mean their fear or discomfort is any less real for them at the time it's happening.

YANB at all U. I think she's being a total arse. I would be absolutely seething if my SIL had pulled a stunt like that

Do they actually have 'sleep problems' or are they just not sleeping to a schedule that suits the parents?

I don't use controlled crying, and I co-sleep. i also think that whoever originally wrote that horrifically cutesy, coyly manipulative drivel should be made to read it out loud in a baby voice and get an electric shock for every use of 'soft, warm arms', 'tiny tummy' etc. Actually for every adjective.

It made me snigger .

I don't think I did CC as such but when they hit around ten months they would be given a drink of water for the 3 am feed and I whispered "no it's sleepy time" with my hand on them in the cot next to the bed. Two nights and they stopped waking for that feed.