... to have an argument with SIL over her post about controlled crying?

[katykuns]

Post: 'Dear mommy,

I am confused.
I am used to falling asleep in your soft, warm arms. Each night I lay snuggled close to you; close enough to hear your heartbeat, close enough to smell your sweet fragrance. I gaze at your beautiful face as I gently drift off to sleep, safe and secure in your loving embrace. When I awaken with a growling stomach, cold feet or because I need a cuddle, you attend to me quickly and before long I am sound asleep once again.
But this last week has been different.

Gentle, Tear-Free Sleep Solution
Each night this week has gone like this. You tucked me up into my cot and kissed me goodnight, turned out the light and left. At first I was confused, wondering where you?d gone. Soon I became scared, and called for you. I called and called for you mummy, but you wouldn?t come! I was so sad, mummy. I wanted you so badly. I?ve never felt feelings that strong before. Where did you go?
Eventually you came back! Oh, how happy and relieved I was that you came back! I thought you had left me forever! I reached up to you but you wouldn?t pick me up. You wouldn?t even look me in the eye. You lay me back down with those soft warm arms, said ?shh, it?s night time now? and left again.
This happened again, over and over. I screamed for you and after a while, longer each time, you would return but you wouldn?t hold me.
After I had screamed a while, I had to stop. My throat hurt so badly. My head was pounding and my tiny tummy was growling. My heart hurt the most, though. I just couldn?t understand why you wouldn?t come.
After what felt like a lifetime of nights like this, I gave up. You don?t come when I scream, and when you do finally come you won?t even look me in the eye, let alone hold my shaking, sobbing little body. The screaming hurt too much to carry on for very long.
I just don?t understand, mummy. In the daytime when I fall and bump my head, you pick me up and kiss it better. If I am hungry, you feed me. If I crawl over to you for a cuddle, you read my mind and scoop me up, covering my tiny face with kisses and telling me how special I am and how much you love me. If I need you, you respond to me straight away.
But at night time, when it?s dark and quiet and my night-light casts strange shadows on my wall, you disappear. I can see that you?re tired, mummy, but I love you so much. I just want to be near to you, that?s all.
Now, at night time, I am quiet. But I still miss you.'


She doesn't understand why it's angered me. In my opinion, it's emotional blackmail and utterly manipulative. I did controlled crying with DD1, but she was naturally a good sleeper so it wasn't really a challenging experience. DD2 isn't a great sleeper, and we do try for a few minutes to see if she will settle, but get her back up when she doesn't.
As I see it, this is written by an adult projecting her own feelings about CC onto others through the form of a poor vulnerable baby, it really doesn't sit right with me at all.
I don't really agree with co-sleeping, but I never would post stuff like this to upset people doing co-sleeping.

[libertine73]

god I wish I could get my 2 year old to stay asleep!! but she has and still does wake at 2, and then won't go back down for 2 or more hours, it's knackering.

I've never done CC though, for a couple of reasons, but would never try and make anyone feel bad about their choice to do it. If asked an opinion, I would tell them, but until then, why inflict your 'opinion' on all and sundry? I don't get it.

[JackieTheFart]

I co-slept AND did controlled crying. I breastfed till 19 months as well.

What works for one family, won't work for another. I don't see anything wrong with allowing my baby to cry for a bit so he will sleep in his own bed and I can have my bed and evenings back and have an unbroken night's rest.

I'd like to see her in 10 oe 11 years time when she is trying to get her pre-teen to go to bed at a reasonable hour!

[bumbleymummy]

People who have used CC are always going to insist it was 'the only thing that would have worked'.

[Norfolknway]

Vom.

She sounds like a knob

[rowtunda]

bumbleymummy - you have done it again

[TiredyCustards]

I'm anti cc, but also anti posting rubbish on facebook.

So you're both BU.

Ps I think the quote is from the no cry sleep solution.

[SirBoobAlot]

I agree with your SIL.

You think it's manipulative and emotional? What the hell do you think babies think when, just like that post says, they are suddenly left to cry after being used to having you with them constantly? And yes - in the day time, if a baby cries, you pick them up and make them better. So how confusing must it be for a small child if as soon as it gets dark, a parent stops being there for them?

She didn't write that herself, by the way, it's one of the posts that goes around quite frequently.

[IceAddict]

Duellingfanjo- i said IF. Not that she does want to. Jeez Some people will pick the smallest thing out of a post to have a go at anyone they can.

[bumbleymummy]

Row, I'm entitled to my opinion, just as you are entitled to yours.

[Mycatistoosexy]

I don't and won't do CC because I worry about the sentiment behind that post.

However I wouldn't post anything on FB or even say to my friends' faces who use CC against it. I just smile and nod as I expect them to when I talk about co-sleeping

[Francagoestohollywood]

My glucose levels have risen reading this.

I also don't quite understand why people care so much about other people's ways to deal with their sleepless nights.

[Pennyacrossthehall]

We did CC with both sons. The first few nights were horrific, but we gained several years of sleep. The boys learned that they could go back to sleep on their own and that darkness is not inherently frightening (also no nightlights - the number of kids that came for sleepovers that wanted the light left on in the bedroom, even when they were 12!). They appear to be normal, well-adjusted humans* despite this.

• We need a "rolling-eyes" smiley for these things.
  
  ** That's normal and well-adjusted allowing for the fact that they are teenagers and therefore, sometimes, are so unpleasant that even though you still love them you want to hit them with a frying pan.

[Eyesunderarock]

I'm sooooo glad that the internet didn't exist when mine were small. Or facebook, Or parenting forums.
I had a couple of battered books and my mum. I may have made some poor choices along the way, but at least I wasn't stressed by other people's opinions.
It's like ff/bf, and bf/ebf and all the other areas where mothers have strong opinions that clash. Why the need to be evangelical and polemic?
Can't you just do what you feels right for you and your family and let others do the same?
I have lovely friends on FB, some are occasionally twee. I hide all the doggy crap and the Christmas elf twinkles and appreciate their other qualities.

[DontWannaBeObamasElf]

You might want to let her know that a baby hacked into her facebook account.

Regardless of my feeling about CC/CIO etc I would never voice my opinions as I know people who have done it, their choice. I do not use Facebook to offend.

[squoosh]

What a load of preachy old smuggery.

SIL sounds like a bore.

[aturtlenamedmack]

My personal choice has been not to do cc.
Whatever anyone else does is their business and I would never in a million years try to impose my opinions on them.
You're right, it is emotional blackmail, as if parents don't have enough feeling of guilt to contend with already.
It's funny how many people feel so strongly that their choice is the best and only choice.
I'm just muddling through and trying not to fuck up too badly.
Pay her no mind.

[Francagoestohollywood]

at Dontwanna.

[PoppyAmex]

The woman is entitled to post whatever she wants and in the grand scheme of things it's hardly an earth shattering/offensive position.

I supposed I'd be described as an AP parent and I chose not to do any sleep training, but my main objection to that text is the fact that it's SO NAFF.

[TarkaTheOtter]

I did sleep training. I have no regrets or guilt. My 10month old was still waking every two hours and required rocking in my arms (standing up) for 45mins-1hr to get back to sleep. She would be exhausted and screaming whilst I did this. Co-sleeping was out because she wouldn't fall asleep if I was sitting down let alone standing up.
On the two nights it took for cc to work she actually cried less than when we tried to soothe her to sleep. The third night she slept through. It was amazingly effective and no where near as bad as I had imagined. She hadn't been hungry, or cold, or in pain every 2hrs - she just had no idea how to get to sleep and was exhausted.

I did cc as a last resort. I read and tried the ncss books (although the fact that most of the solutions were for much older children scared me), I fed to sleep (stopped working at about 6 months), I bought a rocking chair (she knew I wasn't standing up). If the answer had been bed sharing I would have loved it (and now can when she is unwell).

I'm sure someone will be along in a minute to tell me they had the same situation and waited it out and baby eventually slept better, but at that stage I couldn't have taken another night of it.

[NinaJade666]

Might get hammered down for saying this by some but here goes anyway.

I've already said that posts in newsfeed people don't like should just be hidden. Problem solved.

In response to some other posters comments-
CC/CIO doesn't teach babies that they can get back to sleep alone, it teaches babies is that someone doesn't always come when they need them so there's no point trying to express the need anymore.
Prolonged bouts of crying in small babies produces large amounts of cortisol in the brain which affects how your baby's brain grows and develops. So it can have long term effects even though baby won't remember it.

The SIL post can hit home quite hard to some who only did CC/CIO as a last resort because they couldn't cope any longer. Which is harsh. BUT she posted it on her own timeline and as far as I'm concerned if just 1 of her friends who saw it in the newsfeed decided against CC/CIO in the future because of it or felt stronger to say 'No I won't do that' to a pressuring family member who think CC/CIO is the way forward then that's great.

[icklemssunshine1]

I would write one back from my DD's POV - "bugger off mummy I'm having some alone time playing with my dolly, my rabbit & you're disturbing me".

[rowtunda]

Nina Nina Nina - why does it bother you if someone decides to use or not use CC/CIO. Why would it be great for someone not to?

Also get your facts right there is no scientific evidence to prove that short term sleeping training methods have any long term side effects.

ideas.time.com/2012/05/10/the-science-behind-dr-sears-does-it-stand-up/

Also in my experience as posted above there was a lot less crying involved using CC then 'gentler methods' for my DS which just seemed to infuriate him more than I was gradually retreating. Wind your neck in!

[Ashoething]

I see the mummy martyrs are out on force on this thread-do none of you put your very young dcs in nursery for 8 hours a day then while you go to work?....

[catgirl1976]

Can't you put up a post saying:

Each night this week has gone like this. You went on Facebook, logged on and posted some mawkish drivel on your wall. At first I was confused, wondering why you would do that. Soon I became scared, and called for you to stop. I called and called "Stop making such a twat of yourself mummy", but you wouldn?t stop! I was so sad, mummy. I wanted you to stop so badly. I?ve never felt feelings that strong before. Why would you post such shite mummy?

Eventually you stopped typing! Oh, how happy and relieved I was that you did! I thought you had lost your reason and dignity forever! I reached up to you but you wouldn?t pick me up. You wouldn?t even look me in the eye. You lay me back down with those soft warm arms, said ?shh, iMummy's judging other parents via social media in the most vomit inducing way ever? and started typing again.

This happened again, over and over. I vomited each time you wrote a twunty, cheesy, hun-tastic word. After I had vomited for a little while, I had to stop. My throat hurt so badly. My head was pounding and my tiny tummy was growling. My heart hurt the most, though. I just couldn?t understand why you, as a grown woman, come out with such absolute horseshit.*

After what felt like a lifetime of posts like this, I gave up. You don?t stop when I vomit, and when you do finally I can't even look you in the eye. You're a disgrace to the written word.

I just don?t understand, mummy. In the daytime you seem fairly reasonable and have even come out with some valid observations. You manage day to day life in a way your posts would suggest should be beyond your reach. I just want you to stop mummy. Your sugar coated, twee yet startling vicious brand of twuntiness hurts too much But I still love you. Just.'