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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to put my foot down (re. DD's friend)

112 replies

loopyluna · 09/07/2013 18:50

DD is 11. Last year I was seriously ill, 2 months in hospital and 2 months at home, unable to walk.

DD is in the same sports club as a friend so before my sudden illness, her mum and I carpooled -she took the girls and I did pick ups. When I got ill she continued to take my DD and her exH brought them both back (for which I was immensely grateful as it allowed DD to keep up her routine during a distressing time.)
Then, one day, about 3 weeks after I left hospital this women texted to say the club was cancelled that day. I discovered this was untrue when the coach called me! I texted back to say there must have been a misunderstanding and she replied, curtly, that I should make alternative arrangements to avoid further confusion. She continued to drive past my house to take her DD whilst mine couldn't go until I managed to start walking and driving.

Now, one year on, DD is still friends with the girl and I have always made her feel welcome at our house. Last week I took them both swimming and after (lets call her P), P asked if DD could sleep over at hers. I said no. Cue, utter meltdown from P!
Next day P phoned and invited DD to stay. Again I said no.
Today P has been texting me, all afternoon, begging me to let DD go to hers tomorrow. We are having visitors so it is out of the question but I said DD could meet her at the pool late afternoon.

I don't want DD to go to P's house as P's mother made it quite clear last year that DD wasn't even welcome in her car, let alone her house. The woman blanks me if we pass in the street.

Not to drip feed, when P's parents were divorcing, P told DD that her dad hit her mum during a row. I have also heard both P's parents tell P she is fat compared to DD (-P is slim, DD is stick-like.) The parents are still legally divorced but are living together again.

All of this adds up to me not wanting DD anywhere near P's house. Both girls are sad about this. DD accepts that P is allowed here but she isn't allowed to P's, but she's quite miffed that I'm putting my foot down.

Am I being U and petty?

OP posts:

LindyHemming · 09/07/2013 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedHelenB · 09/07/2013 18:54

What harm would be caused by letting her go?

Original poster

loopyluna · 09/07/2013 18:54

Forgot to add that P is a nice girl but utterly spoil (last week lost her iphone 4s and already has had it replaced my an iphone 5), and she is absolutely fuming that she's not getting her own way.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 09/07/2013 18:55

Yes YABU

The girls are friends. I'm sure they couldn't care less whether you and the other Mum like each other.

Give her a mobile phone and let her stay over.

CloudsAndTrees · 09/07/2013 18:57

I think you are over reacting, but YANBU because if you don't want your child to stay somewhere then that's up to you.

The fat comment seems like the worst thing and I wouldn't like that either, but I don't think it's worth disallowing a sleepover for.

The mother wasn't doing anything wrong by ending the arrangement to give your dd lifts to the activity, although she should have been honest with you instead of saying it was cancelled. Personally, I would have taken the hint instead of texting back about a misunderstanding.

CookieLady · 09/07/2013 18:57

You need to speak to P's mother and find out why she's behaving in that manner.

Original poster

loopyluna · 09/07/2013 18:58

The girls get on well and I'm not stopping P coming here but I don't want my DD to be in an environment where she is not welcome! (The mum has made that clear, she also blanks DD, not just me.)

OP posts:

MissStrawberry · 09/07/2013 18:59

You sound like you don't even like this child.

How likely is it your daughter has been invited for a sleepover by the woman who won't allow your child in her car/house?

maddy68 · 09/07/2013 18:59

so what if the other girl has an I phone? That just makes you sound jealous
the girls are friends - I would text the mum and say that your D has been invited by P to stay over - is that OK ? and see what she says

LindyHemming · 09/07/2013 18:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Scruffey · 09/07/2013 19:00

Yanbu. No way would I allow an 11yo to sleep over at the house of a person who blanked me in the street!

Original poster

loopyluna · 09/07/2013 19:01

Cloudsandtrees -really?! So it's acceptable to tell me that the activity is cancelled, rather than be honest? I didn't take "the hint" as you say, because it didn't occur to me she was lying!

OP posts:

cees · 09/07/2013 19:01

YANBU, I would not let my dd into a house where the parent hasn't asked me themselves. The mother blanks you in the street, no my daughter would not be going to stay in her home.

If the mother can't be civil to you then I doubt she would treat your child much better.

CloudsAndTrees · 09/07/2013 19:01

Maybe you've missed something out of your OP, but how has the other mother made it clear your dd is not welcome?

Is there something other than just the fact that she didn't want to give your dd lifts?

wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 09/07/2013 19:01

Why on earth would you send CD to a woman's house that didn't like you .YANBU.

WorraLiberty · 09/07/2013 19:01

How do you know your DD isn't welcome to sleepover?

That's totally different to not wanting to keep giving her lifts that you couldn't (understandably) return.

wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 09/07/2013 19:01

Meant to say DD not cd

wannabedomesticgoddess · 09/07/2013 19:03

I wouldnt be happy letting my DDs go for a sleepover in that kind of environment either.

CloudsAndTrees · 09/07/2013 19:03

I said she should have been honest instead of saying it was cancelled!

I don't think the lie is an unforgivable one though, some people find it very hard to be assertive and say no, so they hide behind an untruth.

Original poster

loopyluna · 09/07/2013 19:04

Euph, I couldn't care less that P has more "stuff" than DD, I was just explaining why she's so cross at not getting her own way.

Ok, the majority are saying IABU but I still don't feel comfortable about DD spending time with people who openly dislike her...

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 09/07/2013 19:04

Why on earth would you send CD to a woman's house that didn't like you .YANBU

Why on earth not?

As long as the woman likes the OP's DD, I can't see a problem.

I'm not particularly keen on a few of my DS's friend's parents either, but that doesn't mean the kids aren't firm friends.

WorraLiberty · 09/07/2013 19:05

OP can you give an example of P's Mother displaying her dislike of your DD?

Because so far, you've given us nothing.

Figgygal · 09/07/2013 19:06

Yanbu if the parent who is supposed to be an adult and who will be responsible for your Dds welfare at a sleep over wont even look at you or her on the street I wouldn't let her near her dd either

wannabedomesticgoddess · 09/07/2013 19:07

This girls mother tells her she is fat, buys her off and "drops" a carpool arrangement because the other person was seriously ill.

Its toxic.

Original poster

loopyluna · 09/07/2013 19:08

Cloudsandtrees -the woman blanks DD. I find a grown woman ignoring a child when they say hello, quite rude and this makes me believe DD is unwelcome?

Do you blank your DD's friends? Do you find this normal adult behaviour?

OP posts:

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