to put my foot down (re. DD's friend)

[loopyluna]

DD is 11. Last year I was seriously ill, 2 months in hospital and 2 months at home, unable to walk.

DD is in the same sports club as a friend so before my sudden illness, her mum and I carpooled -she took the girls and I did pick ups. When I got ill she continued to take my DD and her exH brought them both back (for which I was immensely grateful as it allowed DD to keep up her routine during a distressing time.)
Then, one day, about 3 weeks after I left hospital this women texted to say the club was cancelled that day. I discovered this was untrue when the coach called me! I texted back to say there must have been a misunderstanding and she replied, curtly, that I should make alternative arrangements to avoid further confusion. She continued to drive past my house to take her DD whilst mine couldn't go until I managed to start walking and driving.

Now, one year on, DD is still friends with the girl and I have always made her feel welcome at our house. Last week I took them both swimming and after (lets call her P), P asked if DD could sleep over at hers. I said no. Cue, utter meltdown from P!
Next day P phoned and invited DD to stay. Again I said no.
Today P has been texting me, all afternoon, begging me to let DD go to hers tomorrow. We are having visitors so it is out of the question but I said DD could meet her at the pool late afternoon.

I don't want DD to go to P's house as P's mother made it quite clear last year that DD wasn't even welcome in her car, let alone her house. The woman blanks me if we pass in the street.

Not to drip feed, when P's parents were divorcing, P told DD that her dad hit her mum during a row. I have also heard both P's parents tell P she is fat compared to DD (-P is slim, DD is stick-like.) The parents are still legally divorced but are living together again.

All of this adds up to me not wanting DD anywhere near P's house. Both girls are sad about this. DD accepts that P is allowed here but she isn't allowed to P's, but she's quite miffed that I'm putting my foot down.


Am I being U and petty?

[xylem8]

aaagh stupid phone 'sort things out'

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Cory I don't think OP was making a judgement so much on the mother, but the situation that they are divorced, but living together, so maybe the situation could occurr again with her dd in the house(?)

[TwoCrazyKids]

I think Yabu. If I was in that situation, when I recovered, I would have offered to take her dd to and from sport seeing as age did it for so long. She was passing your house but it may not have suited anymore. Maybe she wanted to go elsewhere after activity, maybe it was causing issues with an already stressful situation with her dh.

I'd call the mum to arrange the girls meeting.

[outtolunchagain]

The OP said that the divorced parents were still living in the same house , I am afraid that I could not allow a dc of mine to knowingly stay in a house where there was possibly a DV problem. Plus it is fine if the mother did not like me but if they did not like my child and made that obvious then that would be a deal breaker. The OP is not stopping them being friends she has just said that she doesn't want her daughter to stay over at the others house.

Also if you read the OP 's update she says that at the point the other mother stopped giving her dd lifts she had recently come out of a coma and was in a wheelchair , so she could hardly have thought you were in a fit state to give a lift to both girls

[Boomba]

Im now thinking that her ignoring you might be down to her abusive partner?

does seem a bit odd to withdraw the offer of a lift, which doesnt inconvenience her in any way, when you were so clearly and seriously poorly...

I think in your position I would knock on her door and speak to her (not in a confrontational way)....let her know you are grateful for the help and find out why she is blanking you. WHetehr I let my dd stay there would depend on how that conversation went.

I wouldnt let my children sleep over at a house where the mother wasnt speaking to me, and the other adult in the house is violent and abusive

[VianneFox]

No, I wouldn't let my children stay with someone who clearly had a problem with me. She also blanks your daughter- at 11, she is still a child and it is up to you as to whether she stays at someone's house.

Trust your instincts and don't allow yourself to feel pressured by this other girl.

[hatsybatsy]

YABU

I was at the same school (for 11 years) as a girl with a very toxic mother. The mother was very anti me during various stages of our school career (memorably forcing me to move out of her daughter's planned tent for guide camp - sounds petty but devastating to a 12 year old).

My mother handled the whole thing very diplomatically. She always managed to let the woman know what upset she had caused, but never ever stopped me from seeing my friend (at my house or hers).

Sorry- long winded, but if the girls are friends they have to be allowed to get on with it. Your dd just needs to know that if she feels awkward/unhappy at her friend's house, then she should come home.

[Boomba]

I would also want to speak to the mum, to get her to stop her dd from texting you!!

[BerylStreep]

I agree, some weird response on here.

Perhaps P's mum thought that your DH could have done some of the lifts when you were unwell?

In any event, I think you are right not to allow DD round to P's house if you think her mother would be rude to her - why expose her to that?

In relation to the sleepover, I would tell P that either her mum or dad need to phone you to discuss. Bet there will be no phone-call.

[TimeofChange]

Why would anyone let their DD sleep over with people they don't trust.

The girls can be friends without spending nights together.

I think some of these replies are too harsh on Lupa.

[CrapBag]

What ridiculous amounts of pure speculation on here!!!

So now the mum is ignoring this woman because of DV. Fuck me, only on MN sometimes!!!

She was giving lifts to her DDs friend who's mother was in a coma, one day she suddenly lied about it, she knew it wasn't cancelled because she took her own DD so yes she was blatantly lying, then she blanks OP ever since, refusing to say hello or look in her direction then projects this behaviour onto her DDs friend. OP wants to talk to the mother to check on this sleepover arrangement but still the mother refuses and the dad says he will call, but as yet hasn't.

No, the OP does not owe this woman an apology or any favours and she is right to keep her DD away from their house. The sleepovers are not a normal occurrence, the OP said she has P over to hers but does not allow her DD to go over there because of the mother ignoring her completely.

Facts of the actual story!

[YouTheCat]

I don't think I'd want my child staying over with people like that tbh.