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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to put my foot down (re. DD's friend)

112 replies

loopyluna · 09/07/2013 18:50

DD is 11. Last year I was seriously ill, 2 months in hospital and 2 months at home, unable to walk.

DD is in the same sports club as a friend so before my sudden illness, her mum and I carpooled -she took the girls and I did pick ups. When I got ill she continued to take my DD and her exH brought them both back (for which I was immensely grateful as it allowed DD to keep up her routine during a distressing time.)
Then, one day, about 3 weeks after I left hospital this women texted to say the club was cancelled that day. I discovered this was untrue when the coach called me! I texted back to say there must have been a misunderstanding and she replied, curtly, that I should make alternative arrangements to avoid further confusion. She continued to drive past my house to take her DD whilst mine couldn't go until I managed to start walking and driving.

Now, one year on, DD is still friends with the girl and I have always made her feel welcome at our house. Last week I took them both swimming and after (lets call her P), P asked if DD could sleep over at hers. I said no. Cue, utter meltdown from P!
Next day P phoned and invited DD to stay. Again I said no.
Today P has been texting me, all afternoon, begging me to let DD go to hers tomorrow. We are having visitors so it is out of the question but I said DD could meet her at the pool late afternoon.

I don't want DD to go to P's house as P's mother made it quite clear last year that DD wasn't even welcome in her car, let alone her house. The woman blanks me if we pass in the street.

Not to drip feed, when P's parents were divorcing, P told DD that her dad hit her mum during a row. I have also heard both P's parents tell P she is fat compared to DD (-P is slim, DD is stick-like.) The parents are still legally divorced but are living together again.

All of this adds up to me not wanting DD anywhere near P's house. Both girls are sad about this. DD accepts that P is allowed here but she isn't allowed to P's, but she's quite miffed that I'm putting my foot down.

Am I being U and petty?

OP posts:

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 09/07/2013 19:47

I would not be happy to send my dd either without speaking to the mum first.

BerylStreep · 09/07/2013 19:47

If he rings, just casually say 'I wanted to check you were both fine if DD came for a sleepover as P has been asking me if it is ok'.

Original poster

loopyluna · 09/07/2013 19:49

Oreo -my DD has an iphone too! The reason I mentioned it was just to explain how P is not used to being refused anything -ie, she lost one and was bought a new one the next day.
Obviously irrelevant but it's been picked up on twice now and totally misinterpreted!

OP posts:

CrapBag · 09/07/2013 19:51

oreo have you bothered to read the thread? The reason has nothing to do with a flippin iphone.

OP. YANBU. The mother clearly doesn't want to speak to you for god knows what reason. I would text back saying that you asked to speak to her mother. Don't let your DD go there, this seems very very odd to me. The mother sounds like a childish idiot if she blanks an 11 year old girl because of some problem in her mind with the mother.

When the dad phones, ask why you can't speak to the mum as you have noticed she has a problem with both you and your DD. Call him up on it and make him explain or he may hand the phone over.

Then tell your DDs friend to stop texting you. Why is an 11 year old texting you?

Original poster

loopyluna · 09/07/2013 19:55

Why is an 11 year old texting you?

Bloody good question! Obviously she's a determined little thing. DD's phone was confiscated for the day after a spat with her brother yesterday, so P hasn't been able to contact her directly (though they were together all day!)

OP posts:

Jan49 · 09/07/2013 19:57

I don't think I'd let her go for a sleepover, as the girl's mum is not willing to speak to you. You might find the dad doesn't call or if he does you could see how he sounds to see if it seems that they want your dd to come over or not, but then say something vague about your dd not being free ATM so you don't commit yourself. If the mum or dad is clearly negative about sleepovers then when P asks, just say "your mum and dad don't want dd to come to yours". You don't need to give P a reason. The parents could be busy or not like sleepovers or whatever. If P wants to know why, she can ask them.

And maybe block the dd on your phone so she can only text your dd.

CrapBag · 09/07/2013 19:59

Wow so her friend didn't have her phone for a day and she texts the mum instead, then carries on when the mum says no!!!!!

Put a stop to that. She sounds like a right pain who really won't take no for an answer. I am one of those people though that the more I am badgered about something, the more I will dig my heals in and say no. When the dad phones, bring it up with him that you do not want his DD texting you.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 09/07/2013 20:03

I wouldn't let my DC stay at someone's house if they behaved towards them as you say this woman is. Genuinely as to why anyone would!

By all means try to sort things with this mum and see what her problem is exactly, but if she refuses to I'd leave her to it.

Original poster

loopyluna · 09/07/2013 20:05

She sounds like a right pain who won't take no for an answer.

Yep. But I can't help feeling that the poor girl is just so bemused that someone would give no for an answer!

Anyway, no phone calls from dad and my battery is low from all this mnetting, so I'm going switch off and put my littlest to bed.
Thanks for all the input.

OP posts:

mrsjay · 09/07/2013 20:11

The girls get on well and I'm not stopping P coming here but I don't want my DD to be in an environment where she is not welcome! (The mum has made that clear, she also blanks DD, not just me.)

I think you are right the mother sounds a nightmare and not that nice a person have P at your house I dont think you would settle if your dd was there with the mother snubbing her and how snidey to not pick up your dd and do you a favour when you were ill,

BridgetBidet · 09/07/2013 20:22

To be honest she did you a real favour picking DD up and dropping her off. She couldn't do it once and told a white lie and rather than letting it go you pulled her up on it. To be honest if someone does you a favour lots of times and then doesn't do it once and you took issue with that then YWBVU. She wasn't beholden to do it at all, and if she just didn't do it once really you shouldn't have complained. It made you look very ungracious. For all you know she may well have thought it WAS cancelled.

And to be honest she has the moral high ground because she is allowing your children to continue a friendship which is obviously important and you're not.

So YABU. I think you have lost a bit of perspective on this. Perhaps you could try and talk to the mother and smooth things over, if not face to face maybe a text or note or something and apologise if you've offended her. It sounds like you might have done.

thebody · 09/07/2013 20:29

BridgetBidet, yes exactly. Think op too sure she is right though.

BridgetBidet · 09/07/2013 20:30

If she's having your child round to her house and for sleepovers she's obviously not blanking her and doesn't have problem with her. It's you she's got a problem with.

And I do understand, if you do someone a favour multiple times then they complain the one time you do it you would feel pissed off. And as I said, she may well have thought it was cancelled.

trackies · 09/07/2013 20:32

YANBU no way would i send my DD to someones house who blanks me in the street, and also lied about a club being cancelled instead of dealing with it in a grown up way. She sounds very immature (the mum that is). You need to be able to at least hold a conversation with someone who is looking after your child.
Lets face it, you dont even know if the mother has agreed to having your DD over. It might just be P driving it, and the mother doesn't know. So no, until P's Mum is civil then no sleepover.
Plus the whole hitting thing between P's parents would put me off too. But if it's her ex then hopefully he wont be around during a sleepover.

ArtexMonkey · 09/07/2013 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maddening · 09/07/2013 20:37

I would say to p that her mother can call you to arrange a sleepover and you would be happy to discuss it as you want to be assured of arrangements.

deleted203 · 09/07/2013 20:40

You've already said you are having visitors so it is out of the question. I would have simply said that and left it at that. And I'd be highly pissed off, frankly, at having an 11 yo texting me all bloody afternoon begging me to change my mind. I'd have put my foot down sharpish after the first couple.

marriedinwhiteagain · 09/07/2013 20:41

You need to speak to the mum and clear the air. Go bearing cake. Did you ever thank her for all the lifts she gave your dd? The girls are friends - unfortunately we cannot chose our children's friends beyond a certain age but we can chose to give advice and guidance and set an example around civility and good manners.

I don't think the i-phone has anything to do with you. My DC have lost phones - they get replaced; partly because I want them to keep in touch with me and partly because they are insured; insured because that is sensible where pre teens and teens are concerned.

oreocookiez · 09/07/2013 20:45

Errrrrrr why does an 11 year old
Have your mobile number! If a daughters Friend texted me I would politely say please ask your mum or dad to text me and keep saying that each time they texted. Its not appropriate

Gruntfuttocks · 09/07/2013 20:45

YANBU. Agree with wannabe. DD at 11 is old enough for an honest answer about why she can't go to P's house as well.

Sounds like P issuing the invitation and who knows if she has actually OKed this with her Mum. Either way I certainly wouldn't let my DD go. Trust your instincts.

Moxiegirl · 09/07/2013 20:53

Yanbu and tell her to stop texting you!

cocolepew · 09/07/2013 21:00

I agree with artex
Yanbu.

BridgetBidet · 09/07/2013 21:04

I think you're getting a lot of very bad advice here. Your DDs obviously care about each other and the friendship is important to them. A mountain has been made out of a molehill here and a small misunderstanding appears to have been blown up to giant proportions.

I think a small apology or conciliatory gesture is in order. Be the bigger person. I don't think your daughter will thank you if you start a vendetta about this.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 09/07/2013 21:06

The OP isnt stopping their friendship. Friendships do not need sleepovers to make them work.

The OP was just home from hospital after being in a coma I cant see how she owes anyone an apology.

thebody · 09/07/2013 21:25

Completely agree with Bridget.

Listening to advice to be confrontational is horrible.

Lets look at the facts.

1 you were all friends

2 you became ill and your friend took your dd to an activity for 2 months and 3 weeks so she could still enjoy the activity and her child's company.

3 for some reason she thought club was cancelled

4 you phone her to tell her she was wrong and it was on.

5 your girls are still friends and the girl wants your dd to sleep over.

6 you say no and the mother ' blanks you'.

So did you say how grateful you were for her help when you were in need? Do you speak to her? Could she equally say that you blank her? Did you buy her a gift for those lifts of offer petrol?

To be honest you sound the one in the wrong here and she sounds like someone who is very hurt by your actions and her dd and your dd sound far far more mature than you to he honest.

Sorry.

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