to put my foot down (re. DD's friend)

[loopyluna]

DD is 11. Last year I was seriously ill, 2 months in hospital and 2 months at home, unable to walk.

DD is in the same sports club as a friend so before my sudden illness, her mum and I carpooled -she took the girls and I did pick ups. When I got ill she continued to take my DD and her exH brought them both back (for which I was immensely grateful as it allowed DD to keep up her routine during a distressing time.)
Then, one day, about 3 weeks after I left hospital this women texted to say the club was cancelled that day. I discovered this was untrue when the coach called me! I texted back to say there must have been a misunderstanding and she replied, curtly, that I should make alternative arrangements to avoid further confusion. She continued to drive past my house to take her DD whilst mine couldn't go until I managed to start walking and driving.

Now, one year on, DD is still friends with the girl and I have always made her feel welcome at our house. Last week I took them both swimming and after (lets call her P), P asked if DD could sleep over at hers. I said no. Cue, utter meltdown from P!
Next day P phoned and invited DD to stay. Again I said no.
Today P has been texting me, all afternoon, begging me to let DD go to hers tomorrow. We are having visitors so it is out of the question but I said DD could meet her at the pool late afternoon.

I don't want DD to go to P's house as P's mother made it quite clear last year that DD wasn't even welcome in her car, let alone her house. The woman blanks me if we pass in the street.

Not to drip feed, when P's parents were divorcing, P told DD that her dad hit her mum during a row. I have also heard both P's parents tell P she is fat compared to DD (-P is slim, DD is stick-like.) The parents are still legally divorced but are living together again.

All of this adds up to me not wanting DD anywhere near P's house. Both girls are sad about this. DD accepts that P is allowed here but she isn't allowed to P's, but she's quite miffed that I'm putting my foot down.


Am I being U and petty?

[loopyluna]

Worra -can you bring yourself to be civil to the kids you aren't keen on? I'm sure you, at least say hi to them?

Going back to my first point, I also believe if she liked my DD, she wouldn't have refused to have her in her car last year when she had to drive past our door.

[wouldliketobethere]

As your DD is only 11, I would insist on speaking to P's mother to confirm whether she is happy to have your DD for a sleepover.

If she is not then you have your decision made for you.

If she wont speak to you then to be honest I could not allow my 11 year old to stay somewhere if the responsible adult would not speak to me. I would say to P that you cant let DD sleep over until her mother calls you about it.

If she does speak to you and is happy to have your DD stay over then perhaps you could try and mend the fences, say you have recovered and offer to give her DD some lifts since you can now reciprocate. Not saying you did anything wrong but if your DDs are still close it might not hurt to at least try to get back onto civilised terms - obviously depends how she is when you speak to her.

[loopyluna]

Oops, drive past our door to get to the club.

[fubbsy]

YANBU I wouldn't be comfortable with it either. The girls can still be friends without having sleepovers.

[loopyluna]

Wouldlike... That is actually a very sensible idea. Next time P texts me, I will tell her I need her mum to call me first.

I am not getting into carpooling again though!

[CloudsAndTrees]

If she is literally ignoring your child when she actually says hello, then obviously, she is being rude. You didn't quite say that in your OP though, you said she blanks you if she sees you. She may choose not to talk to you for a variety of understandable reasons.

Like I already said, YANBU to refuse to allow your child to stay somewhere you aren't comfortable with.

[WorraLiberty]

This is what I honestly think...though of course I could be wrong.

It's possible she underestimated the seriousness of your illness and the length of time it took you to recover. She might have thought you were taking the piss being home from hospital for so long, and leaving all the pick ups and drop offs to the woman and her DH?

If that's the case, perhaps she ignores your DD because she feels awkward about dropping the travel arrangements?

I could be way off here, but it sounds like a possibility.

[wouldliketobethere]

Oops my previous reply cross posted with loads of other replies and extra info - well if the mother doesn't want your DD there, that is the end of it. I wouldn't let her go into such an environment at all.

[NadiaWadia]

In your situation I would not be happy about this either, because of the mother's weird behaviour both to you and your DD.

Feel sorry for 'P' though. You will just have to continue being friendly and welcoming to her, as it seems your DD values the friendship, but if P insists on knowing why your DD can't sleep over at hers, maybe you will have to tell her, (diplomatically? - although it would be a very awkward conversation).

[ImTooHecsyForYourParty]

If she blanks your daughter and won't speak to you, how do you even know she wants your daughter at her house?

I don't actually blame you for not wanting to let her go.

It would be different if the mother seperated the girls' friendship from any problem she may or may not have with you, but if she's not able to do that then how can you know that she will not be unkind to your daughter when she's in the house?

I suggest you say to P that if she wants your daughter to stay over, then her mother needs to call you to arrange it.

If she calls and is civil then you can assume that she is mature enough to know that the children's friendship is separate from what's going on between you.

But since you say that she won't acknowledge your daughter when she says hi (ridiculous woman) then I seriously doubt she would call.

The fact that she is extending her behaviour to your child changes everything, imo.

[TenToWine]

Another possibility is that somehow she genuinely thought the club was cancelled that day and then found something rude about the way you raised it with her ( ie it came across as if you were accusing her of lying when she was not), and has been waiting for you to apologise for your rudeness when she had been doing you a favour. Do you know it was definitely a deliberate lie?

[loopyluna]

Worra, I would feel better if that was the truth. Who knows?

I am dubious though as, I was actually in a coma and it was common knowledge at the school and sports club. She knew I was in a wheelchair when she came by to pick up DD and could probably see the dreadful state I was in physically.
Still, maybe she was so absorbed with her divorce that she didn't realise. That would be a "nicer" explanation than yhe thought that she just got sick of DD.

[CloudsAndTrees]

Going back to my first point, I also believe if she liked my DD, she wouldn't have refused to have her in her car last year when she had to drive past our door.

I don't think this is necessarily true. She may not like your dd, or she may have liked your dd very much, and still have had other reasons for not wanting to continue doing lifts. There are lots of possibilities.

[loopyluna]

Tentowine -that was my initial thought when I received the text, but I read, re-read and made my DH read my text and it really wasn't confrontational at all.
I know she lied because she still took her DD, having told me it was cancelled!

[WorraLiberty]

Another possibility could be that someone told her they saw you driving your car...either through mistaken identity or just shit stirring?

She got annoyed dropped the arrangement?

I don't know, I 'm just guessing.

I think you're right to tell your DD to make sure the Mum rings you, regarding the sleepover.

That way she either won't...and there'll be no problem. Or she will, and it may clear the air.

She should have been honest with you from the start, then non of this shit would be happening.

[dontgowadingin]

YANBU
I would never send my DD to a home where there is clearly a toxic mother there. The friends mother sounds immature and frankly I wouldn't want my dd in the care of some one like that.

Perhaps she just got pissed off and thought you were taking the piss. Some people don't have a lot of empathy towards sick people. I wouldn't bother trying to find out why she did it.

DD friend would be welcome at mine .

[thebody]

Of for goodness sake you ring the mum and ask her if its ok for your dd to stay.

Easy then to decide on her response.

Someone else ( a mutual 'friend' perhaps might have been shit stirring or whatever.

If there's a problem like this its always best to talk.

[loopyluna]

Help! P texted again and I asked her to get her mum to call me. She said her dad will call when he gets in because her mum is busy!

What do I say to the dad now? I think I will have to ask if straight if his wife is ok about it. Or will that sound strange? Does the fact that the mum is too busy confirm my instincts? I'm really not sure of myself now

[VinegarDrinker]

Why does your DD's 11 year old friend have your mobile number?

[RedHelenB]

You need to make it clear to your dd & her friend that her mum needs to give permission for the sleepover & therefore needs to ring/text you - problem solved!

[TheOriginalSteamingNit]

Say, P asked dd to sleepover and I just thought I should probably check you were ok with hosting a sleepover!

[dontgowadingin]

at why people really wouldn't mind sending their child to a home where the mother can't even bring them selfs to talk to you?
I would never send my kids any where I didn't have good communication with the parents.

[shewhowines]

YANBU

[oreocookiez]

Me me me... My daughter has an iPhone, big deal. You sound jealous and not that pleasant yourself.

[ImTooHecsyForYourParty]

The fact that you asked her mum to call and she replied that her dad will says something.

You should reply no, I asked for your mum.