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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to put my foot down (re. DD's friend)

112 replies

loopyluna · 09/07/2013 18:50

DD is 11. Last year I was seriously ill, 2 months in hospital and 2 months at home, unable to walk.

DD is in the same sports club as a friend so before my sudden illness, her mum and I carpooled -she took the girls and I did pick ups. When I got ill she continued to take my DD and her exH brought them both back (for which I was immensely grateful as it allowed DD to keep up her routine during a distressing time.)
Then, one day, about 3 weeks after I left hospital this women texted to say the club was cancelled that day. I discovered this was untrue when the coach called me! I texted back to say there must have been a misunderstanding and she replied, curtly, that I should make alternative arrangements to avoid further confusion. She continued to drive past my house to take her DD whilst mine couldn't go until I managed to start walking and driving.

Now, one year on, DD is still friends with the girl and I have always made her feel welcome at our house. Last week I took them both swimming and after (lets call her P), P asked if DD could sleep over at hers. I said no. Cue, utter meltdown from P!
Next day P phoned and invited DD to stay. Again I said no.
Today P has been texting me, all afternoon, begging me to let DD go to hers tomorrow. We are having visitors so it is out of the question but I said DD could meet her at the pool late afternoon.

I don't want DD to go to P's house as P's mother made it quite clear last year that DD wasn't even welcome in her car, let alone her house. The woman blanks me if we pass in the street.

Not to drip feed, when P's parents were divorcing, P told DD that her dad hit her mum during a row. I have also heard both P's parents tell P she is fat compared to DD (-P is slim, DD is stick-like.) The parents are still legally divorced but are living together again.

All of this adds up to me not wanting DD anywhere near P's house. Both girls are sad about this. DD accepts that P is allowed here but she isn't allowed to P's, but she's quite miffed that I'm putting my foot down.

Am I being U and petty?

OP posts:
BerylStreep · 09/07/2013 21:35

But the Mum didn't think the club was cancelled, as she brought her own DD to it on that occasion, and the coach phoned the OP to find out what was happening.

mrsjay · 09/07/2013 21:44

the mother has been blanking since the activity incident she hasnt blanked her because she said no to a sleepover I think the mother thought the OP was taking the piss about the lifts and didnt have the maturity to ask about it and it has stemmed from the mum not the OP, you dont need to be in and out of each others houses for children to be friends

Preciousbane · 09/07/2013 21:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BridgetBidet · 09/07/2013 22:11

Beryl Streep. She might not have had time to do the extra pick up, she might have thought it was cancelled and subsequently heard different and managed to get her daughter there but not had time to pick up the OPs DD. Maybe she had to go shopping that night and couldn't spare the time?

The important thing is that for a lot of time she did a favour for the OP and on one occasion she didn't and now they have fallen out about it.

The issue of the father hitting the mother is totally separate. If that was me I would probably only be happy about my child staying there for short periods rather than sleepovers. But that doesn't mean that I wouldn't see that it was better for my daughter if this breach with her friends mother was healed.

All this advice telling the OP to escalate the fight is really, really bad. The best thing in these circumstances is to try to heal the rift. If that doesn't work it's a different story, but the OP should at least try.

BridgetBidet · 09/07/2013 22:16

PreciousBane it has occurred to me that perhaps there wasn't permission from the other girls mother for the OPs daughter to stay with her.

And perhaps the two girls are so upset they were planning to run away or spend a night elsewhere because they're so distressed by their mothers fighting and stopping them seeing each other.

Food for thought.

thebody · 09/07/2013 22:37

Think the dds are the mature ones here.

Anyway op its tour call but to be honest looking at things from your 'friends' point if view I would think you were very ungrateful for my help over 3 months. Not even said thanks and when I couldn't pick up your dd in one occasion/ made a mistake/ forgot/ I was criticised and blanked by you.

My dd asked yours over and you have said no.

By the way you have no proof anyone hit anyone.

But carry in the feud if you want to.

Feel sorry for the girls.

Come in be the adult and pick up the phone.

wouldliketobethere · 09/07/2013 22:47

The lift thing might be a red herring. Maybe someone has been gossiping about the marriage/fighting of the friend's parents and rumours are getting round and for some reason the mother thinks it is the OP spreading them. Who knows. Would be bizarre to fall out over lift arrangements when someone is in a coma/wheelchair. And I don't think the OP said she hadn't thanked the friend for these lifts although possibly not at the point when they came to an abrupt end.

WLmum · 09/07/2013 22:57

UaNbu. I would not let my child sleep over at a house/with people I was uncomfortable with for whatever reason. I think your approach sounds perfect - girls are very welcome to be friends and hang out in public or at yours. I find it slightly odd that P is texting you - I don't have much experience of 11 year old girls but I can't imagine begging a friends mum.

My bottom line would be your child your responsibility your way.

WLmum · 09/07/2013 23:02

And she was/us totally u to stop taking your dd to club - she drives past your door! In her shoes I would have taken and dropped off your dd indefinitely - if I'm going anyway what does it matter? She sounds a bit cracked to me.

HollaAtMeBaby · 09/07/2013 23:05

Surely if she has a problem with you then her DD wouldn't be allowed to invite yours over? The whole thing is weird.

imademarion · 09/07/2013 23:15

This sounds tragic; two girls trying to be friends and enjoy sports and sleepovers together. Thwarted by a mum...

Not sure what all the tittle tattle about the divorce proves, other than P probably needs all the support she can get from her mates right now, including your daughter.

Have you even spoken to Ps mother? Did you take her for coffee/lunch to say thanks for all the driving when you were in hospital?

Why do you just say 'no' to sleepover invitations?

I think you need to take your ego out of the equation. It's your daughter's sports and social life here, why not facilitate and support that now you're back on your feet?

Boomba · 09/07/2013 23:15

1 did yu thank the mther fr a the ifts whist yu were incapacitated?

2 I wudnt et my dd seep ver at a huse where the mther wudnt speak t me

thebody · 09/07/2013 23:19

Always bloody tragic when mothers start getting so involved in their kids lives that they regress to the behaviour of the playground and 'blank' each other.

Would be funny except for the fact that there's an 11 year old here ( not ops dd) whose parents are splitting and whose dear friend is not allowed to do a normal pleasure like a sleepover.

She's so desperate she's trying to build bridges with the op herself.

Seriously can't posters see this? Empathy???

Poor kid.

Boomba · 09/07/2013 23:24

i have empathy fr the chid

i wudnt trust the wman t take care f my chid in these circumstances thugh- my dcs have experienced their parents divrcing, and they are my pririty

Boomba · 09/07/2013 23:25

my dc are yunger thugh--may fee different when they are 11?

Thistledew · 10/07/2013 00:51

I would want to know the real reason that she stopped giving your DD a lift. Maybe your DD played up and she didn't want to burden you with the issue at the time, but is now waiting for you to psychically work it out and offer her an apology.

If I were you I would invite the other mother for a coffee, thank her for the times that she did give your DD a lift, but say that you felt hurt that she seemed to find it too much trouble all of a sudden but didn't do you the courtesy of being honest. Ask her if there was anything (eg, your DD's behaviour) that you need to address. This gives her the chance to deal with whatever her beef is, if she holds a genuine grievance.

If she doesn't take the chance to clear the air, then you know she is determined to continue her childish behaviour and you can know you have done what you can to resolve it.

I agree though that I wouldn't let my DD sleep at the house in the situation as it stands. What if your DD has a problem and needs the mother to call you? Is she just going to ignore it?

McGeeDiNozzo · 10/07/2013 03:56

Some replies on this thread are just weird. I'm talking about the ones saying "They're only kids, they should be able to go round to each other's houses regardless of whether the mums like each other or not".

The situation clearly, really, really clear-as-day clearly, isn't as simple as that - serious illness, domestic violence and divorce are involved - so why on earth grossly oversimplify it to that extent just to be harsh on the OP?

I really do get the feeling that some people on here are very selective about what facts from the original post they retain. If they feel like having a go, then that's it, they just pick something they don't like from the original post and then launch, no matter what other context is presented.

xylem8 · 10/07/2013 05:43

the problems all seem to stem fromyour text to p's mum saying she was wrong about the club being cancelled. Was this text really necessary? She had been doing you a big favour and texts can easily sound mch difference in tone to how you intended

LilBlondePessimist · 10/07/2013 05:49

Yes, 'Terribly sorry I was in a coma P's mum, and couldn't reciprocate the lifts for a few weeks, can you ever find it in you to forgive me?' What a lot of old bollocks!!

LoveBeingUpAt4InTheMorning · 10/07/2013 05:54

Asking her to call is the right thing, I bet she doesn't know know she's been asking her to stay and won't call

BoundandRebound · 10/07/2013 05:57

Absolutely no way would I allow my child to sleep over in someone like that's house

Tell them they can sleepover at yours

LilBlondePessimist · 10/07/2013 06:00

Oh and I'm sorry, but as for speculation that the girls may be planning to run away together because they are tragically not being allowed to play together??!! Really? Honestly?? Ffs!!

YADNBU OP, carry on allowing P to come to yours, but don't go grovelling, and don't allow your daughter to sleep over somewhere you're not comfortable.

cory · 10/07/2013 08:18

"Why on earth would you send CD to a woman's house that didn't like you ."

Because an 11yo is a person in her own right, with her own social life, not an extension of her mother.

I know perfectly well that dd's best friend's parents don't think much of me. But dd and her friend have been close since primary school and are now almost adults; their friendship does not depend on us.

As for whether the mother would call the OP if the dd is uncomfortable- surely the OP's dd could take a mobile and call herself if she wanted to go home? We are talking about an 11yo not a 4yo.

As for not sending the dd to the house because of claim that father had hit mother- didn't the OP say "when the parents were divorcing", implying that they are now divorced. So if your ex had hit you (and was now your ex), would that be a reson never to have another child stay with you? How does that one work? Are you damaged goods once you have been hit?

xylem8 · 10/07/2013 08:31

i think you should try and post things out with the other mother

xylem8 · 10/07/2013 08:32

post things out

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