To Slap This Woman Back?

[RightOldSlapper]

I've nc'd for this as don't want it to follow me adoring but am a regular poster (Yoni, Pom Bears, Naice Ham, Wilf etc).

I'm not asking AIBU as I know I was but I'm asking to what degree was I unreasonable, say on a scale of 1 to 5 in regards to the following incident.

Yesterday, DS3 (aged 13) and DS4 (aged 9), were playing out in our street, with 6 other similarly aged children who live on the same street, DS3 being the eldest. They were not directly outside our house but around 8-10 houses down. There is a small junction in between, and while I recognise the residents in that area I certainly don't know them as well as my immediate neighbours. I am however very friendly with one of the others boys mum, who lives that far down.

I'd last seen them 20 minutes earlier having been checking on them every half hour. Anyway, at some point DS4 and a few of the other boys came running in saying that a woman up the road has hit DS3 and says she's going to kill him. I arrived to find this woman still shouting at DS3.

Apparently DS3 had fallen off his bike and over her very low front garden wall (max 2ft) onto her flowerbed. Apparently he had damaged her garden and crushed her cat. I could see no visible damage to the shrubs (no flowers). The cat was nowhere to be seen. It was an accident. She had been washing her car and had rushed over yanked him up, screamed at him and slapped twice; once on the top of the back and once across the face.

While I was there trying to resolve the situation she threatened to slap him again. Am not pleased with myself but I lost my temper and I grabbed her then hit her twice. I've been feeling guilty but not. Am quite conflicted, and am also quite shocked still at what happened, friends/family have said it was ok but I just wonder was it really that ok or am I totally irrational.

So yes how unreasonable was I?

I don't want to drip feed but I haven't written down all minutiae of this incident as I didn't want to start straying into Dostoyevsky territory. However I'm happy to provide further details if some of you feel its relevant.

Did she slap your son on her property? Did you enter her property to assault her? If so she can have both of you up for intrusion and assault. The law is murky when it comes to assault on your own property when it comes toa stranger entering it.

I probably would have done the same thing! I know moraly hitting is wrong but an adult thumping someone else's kid is more out of order!

I dont think you did anything wrong. Somebody physically hurting your child taps into the most primal instincts we have. Nobody would criticise a tiger for defending her cubs, we are not so evolved that our basic nature has gone.

Thanks girls

It doesn't matter (to me) whether it's justifiable to be angry about a cat or not. The levels of anger were similar in the OP and the other woman, and in both cases it resulted in violence.

I'm also uneasy about the "I'd do that" cheering - would you really? or would you want to? Because wanting to and actually doing something that could land you in a lot more trouble are 2 different things

I agree with this:

"Such a shame you blew it. If she's as vile and rough as she sounds a brawl with you will have been water off a ducks back. How much better to have had her arrested."

I disagree there, Jamie.

The levels of anger were not similar because one was justifiable (defence of DC) and one was completely irrational (hitting a CHILD because they accidentally fell over your wall).

It might not be desirable to hit someone but it isn't irrational in this instance.

And yes, I would do it without batting an eyelid, if someone, an adult FFS, laid their hands on my son. I would slaughter them.

YABU - and how do you teach your DC thst hitting people is wrong when you do it in front of them? It sounds like you went over there aggressively. And as previous posters pointed out, even if she did hit/threaten to hit him, you lost any moral high ground.

Ok, I can't swear I wouldn't. I really don't know for sure. But like the OP, I wouldn't feel too great about it afterwards.

Being really assertive feels brilliant, when I manage it. I don't think I'd feel great after this.

I live in Hackney so I imagine the police do probably have more important things to do, I don't doubt they would take it seriously. However I just want to move in from it. I don't want all the agg for us, particularly DS of involving the police if it can be helped. The fact that all families if the boys present would then have to deal with the police too also concerns me. DS has been absolutely adamant he doesn't want the police and I will respect that. I have told him if he changes his mind let me know and I will be happy to contact them and that I may have to ignore his wishes if there is further trouble.

DH is very anti police due to past experience as a black male and I'm also taking his feelings into consideration.

My mind has run away with me a bit and unconcerned the police might say I should have been supervising or one of the boys is too young to be out and involve other agencies. It's really not something I want to get into unless I have to.

And she slapped DS on her driveway and in the pavement in front if her property. This is where she was standing when I hit her.

I totally disagree with you too Jamie and for exactly the same reasons as Marmalade

And I have absolutely no shame or hesitation in telling you, yes I fucking would and I wouldn't be feeling guilty about it either!

As for what the OP is teaching her son? She's teaching him that she will protect and defend her son when he's been assaulted by an adult.

Its 50/50 for me.

You were not unreasonable for slapping her. I would have done the same. But that makes you no better than her.

You should have collected your DS, taken him home and called the police!

Hope DS is okay xx

The moral high ground means jack when someone has hurt your child.

I've got an elderly dog who I adore, if a child fell on him I would be very upset but it wouldn't occur to me to set about the child that did it, I'd check all were ok probably dog first if I am completely honest and be glad no one was hurt. That woman deserved a pummelling and she got one. She'll keep her hands to herself next time won't she?

Feegle

Fair enough.

It's an interesting question.

Sorry it happened OP

Burmilla, you are assuming that all of us teach our children that hitting is ALWAYS wrong. I certainly don't. I always say "Never hit first but you may hit back or to defend yourself."

The moral high ground doesn't run very long when you're being physically bullied and you've been told never to defend yourself.

Jamie, I'm a lover not a fighter, honest! There isn't much that would make me lash out physically, but I think that an adult hitting my child would do it!

And whilst I wouldn't have hit him in that situation, if he had fallen on my cat I certainly would have yelled at him. People react in the heat of the moment, which is what she did, but unfortunately you are actually no better than her.

Burmilla as i've said previously I don't actually teach my DC hitting is wrong. I teach them that if someone hurts then or as another poster described it 'one of their own' then it can't be a necessary action. I tell them if someone hits them, hit them back harder. So I haven't been totally hypocritical but I do admittedly feel that I have done something questionable.

"but unfortunately you are actually no better than her."

Really?

How do you work that one out?

It's not the same. That woman hit a CHILD, who didn't have a hope of defending himself. Far worse than what OP did.

I would have clumped her top.

What gives her the right to give your boy a clip around the ear.

Jamie the thought of any adult hitting my children turns me cold, the fucking, was just my feelings about such a situation occurring spilling over onto the post.

I didn't mean to sound so aggressive to you, sorry.

I'm a very fiery Glaswegian and I was brought up in a poor, very rough area and grew up fighting.

I too, have become a lover and peacekeeper in my adult life but I do know without a shadow of a doubt I'd have battered fuck right out of that woman. my Mary Doll's being woken up just imagining someone hurting my DC

Marmalade - I do understand but the OP (understandably! ) waded in and hit the woman first - the woman had not hit the OP. I do get that she was defending her child (doing what most mothers would do), it's just a shame that it got out of hand.

I got mugged, or rather, someone tried to mug me in a subway in 1999. He tried to yank my bag off but I was wearing a cross body bag (rookie mistake, you dick) and he didn't get far.

Luckily, I had my wits about me and the mugger was a fucking squirt, so I smacked my fist upside his head and pulled him to the floor. Then I kicked him up the arse.

Does that make me no better than him? Have I reduced myself to his level? I don't understand this "turn the other cheek" shite, I really don't.

She was absolutely 100% wrong to slap your son, no doubt about it. However, in slapping her back you were also 100% wrong. Both at 5 on your scale, sorry. You can't just go round slapping people on the basis that they hit you/your son first. Sorry, I do v much feel your rage but you over-reacted and I think you know that.

She threatened to slap him again, whilst OP was (presumably in a reasonable fashion) trying to resolve issues. She deserved a whack.

Feegle.