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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to buy fags for my friend?

107 replies

ScariestFairyByFar · 07/07/2013 10:24

My friend can't leave the house so often asks me to get fags for her. This week I've helped her out buying food and dds birthday present as she was in tears cos she was going to have nothing to open because she could afford to buy her anything. She's found £10 this morning and wants me to get fags for her. Aibu to refuse to go?

OP posts:
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 07/07/2013 10:26

Yes you are BU. Being addicted to nicotine is terrible and she'll be miserable. I have given up two weeks ago so I know. Instead of refusing, why don't you get them on the condition that she considers getting an Ecigarette when she next get paid? they are VERY good for giving up.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 07/07/2013 10:26

I don't think yabu tbh. I can't believe someone who couldn't afford a birthday present for her dd would think "fags" the second she found some cash. Either it goes on necessities or she pays you back. It's rude tbh

RoooneyMara · 07/07/2013 10:29

I think we need more info - why can't she leave the house?

How have you got into this situation?

Can you make an excuse? Or tell her how you feel?

Sleepingbunnies · 07/07/2013 10:29

I agree with wheresmycaffeine.

Vinomcstephens · 07/07/2013 10:31

If I've understood your OP right, this isn't a refusal on the grounds that you don't approve of smoking, but because your friend was skint, in tears about her daughters birthday and you bailed her out financially, yes? And now she's got a spare tenner, there's no offer or thought to repay you, but to buy fags? And compound the cheekiness by asking you to get them?

What. A. Pisstake.

You are most definitely not being unreasonable - if she can't afford to buy for own daughters birthday and is in tears over it, then she can't afford to buy cigs. Cheeky mare!

HelgatheHairy · 07/07/2013 10:31

I think YANBU. If you have bought her food and her DDs birthday present this week then the first thing she should have done was offer you the £10.

Sirzy · 07/07/2013 10:33

It's hard to say as if someone can't go out of the house the situation is obviously much more complicated.

ageofgrandillusion · 07/07/2013 10:36

Yanbu. If this silly woman is so skint she can barely rustle up enough money for her kids birthday present, she shouldnt be smoking anyway. What an idiot.

gamerchick · 07/07/2013 10:36

Sounds like she's got very used and accustomed to you helping her out. It probably hasn't occurred to her.

Personally in this situation I would go get her smokes but no more financial help. Once you start to say no and ignore the sob stories, it gets easier to do it. eventually they stop asking or hinting.

RoooneyMara · 07/07/2013 10:37

Oh I see - she owes you money anyway.

You could offer to come round, and take the money and say 'thankyou, I appreciate you paying me back -' and maybe use part of it to get her a pack of tobacco or something...then refuse ever to help her out again?

Not sure if this is the right thing to do though...probably not!

LastTangoInDevonshire · 07/07/2013 10:39

sleeping and wheresmy - you've obviously never been addicted, then.

I would get them for her.

RaisingChaotic · 07/07/2013 10:40

If I've read it right and the OP has paid for food and the friend's dd's birthday present out of her own money then it's not hard at all. The friend should be giving you that £10, that she's conveniently now found, back, not spending it on cigs.

YANBU

RoooneyMara · 07/07/2013 10:40

Being addicted to cigarettes is an excuse for borrowing from friends to pay for your child's present, then, is it? And not paying them back?

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 07/07/2013 10:42

But surely if this addiction is taking priority over feeding her own child then enabling her to do that is the worst thing someone can do. ?

MagzFarqharson · 07/07/2013 10:43

YANBU - DD1 (grown up) used to ask me to pop to the shop for her cigarettes. Did it once but then thought 'why am I helping her to potentially shorten or damage her life?' and didn't do it again!

And agree with wheresmycaffeine

KirjavaTheCat · 07/07/2013 10:43

Has she repayed you? Is everything sorted for her daughter's birthday? If so, and she has good reason for not being able to get out of the house, you're a bit unreasonable, especially if getting the cigarettes isn't causing you any inconvenience and as you say, she's your friend.

If she hasn't paid you back yanbu. Very cheeky to ask you get them when her first thought wasn't to pay you back.

Also, and this is irrelevant but I agree with ageof, if she's so broke she's gone short of food and a birthday present, she needs to be giving up, not spending a lucky tenner on cigarettes..

KirjavaTheCat · 07/07/2013 10:44

Repaid, not repayed Blush

YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar · 07/07/2013 10:45

Did you agree a date to be paid back? If so YABU. Even if not, it sounds like things are horrendous for her at the moment. I'm certainly no push over but personally I'd cut her some slack unless you are absolutely desperate for your money back. (That rhymed).

Birdsgottafly · 07/07/2013 10:46

If she had found the money and asked you to buy extra food, would you of?

You need to work out if it is because she asked you to buy something which you consider wrong.

You are not the keeper of her morals, just because you help her out.

The help should not be conditional based on your opinions, it would be different if she asked you to score drugs, but anything legal that doesn't directly impact on her parenting, is her choice, because she is an adult who has capacity.

Personally i would be having words with her as to why she didn't plan for her child's Birthday, i couldn't be friends with someone who didn't do this, unless they were Mentally unwell.

You are entitled to refuse to help her in any way, if her child is suffering, then she needs outside help.

Smoking is her choice, though and being unable to leave the house, doesn't mean that she loses the right to choose.

MagzFarqharson · 07/07/2013 10:50

it would be different if she asked you to score drugs - well she is in a way, isn't she? what other purpose do they serve? (ex smoker)

painforlife · 07/07/2013 10:54

oh my god just get her the fags.... if she can't leave the house then I'm guessing things are really bad for her and a fag can really help to relieve stress! as for telling her to buy a e-cig well it's her choice not yours or any1 else's. sometimes we all need a friends help I'm sure she isn't being insensitive just is in a bad place atm. I'm sure if god forbid u were in a state llike that u would want ur friends to treat u the same.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 07/07/2013 10:58

I've helped out friends before, paid for petrol so they can get to work or lent money for food, and if a friend was in a jam is have done exactly what the op did and gone out and got a few essentials and covered the birthday present and in all honesty I would have done something nice ebeb though they hadnt asked for it, like thrown in a pack of cigs or a bottle of wine as I felt sorry for them and hoped it might cheer them up. I would however feel very annoyed that when that friend found cash that she asked me toile another separate journey for that one thing. I'd happily go out for bread or milk or nappies and again thrown in some chocolate but I wouldn't buy the fags when she should be adding to the present or buying more food. I wouldntt take the money back either but it would be the polite thing to do to offer.

pobbles86 · 07/07/2013 10:59

Buy her an e-cig.

Original poster
ScariestFairyByFar · 07/07/2013 11:00

Sorry to drop feed she can't leave the house due to physical disability. I've regularly bailed her out by buying her fags until she next gets money in. She already owed me money for them and food then when I saw her the other day she was crying about the birthday and no food, so I went and got her some stuff (she didn't ask so I didn't expect paid back for it). However she was still complaining that there was much for dds birthday I could only afford some art stuff and some sweets but now she's found money and wants fags. Hope that's all clear now?!

OP posts:
Original poster
ScariestFairyByFar · 07/07/2013 11:10

Oh and I asked her before about an ecig and she said no she could manage without if she needed too

OP posts: