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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to buy fags for my friend?

107 replies

ScariestFairyByFar · 07/07/2013 10:24

My friend can't leave the house so often asks me to get fags for her. This week I've helped her out buying food and dds birthday present as she was in tears cos she was going to have nothing to open because she could afford to buy her anything. She's found £10 this morning and wants me to get fags for her. Aibu to refuse to go?

OP posts:

harverina · 07/07/2013 12:14

So Julia she will be spending what? A whole fiver on her dd's birthday? Sorry I disagree. It's her choice to smoke but she is a mum with responsibilities - her dd's birthday didn't just sneak up on her did it. The op isn't making a statement about smokers here.

pigletmania · 07/07/2013 12:18

Julie you are wrong, I am afraid I would not be your friend with your selfish way. She hasent got enough food for her and dd, and can't even afford to buy her dd a little birthday present, the first money she gets she wants to spend on fags, not repaying op for buying her food and dd present . It's op right to refuse to buy her fags and ask to b repaid! Just because you are disabled oes not give you the right to bad beaviour!

gorionine · 07/07/2013 12:19

They are legal, though, so the OP isn't compromising herself, unless she follows a religion that forbids smoking.
I desagree with that, you are allowed to have strong principles that are not linked to religion. I would not want to contribute to more chances for a friend to get cancer: I would not buy her cigarettes either regardless of money issues.

pigletmania · 07/07/2013 12:21

I don't think op is disagreeing with her friends smoking, just her selfish behaviour as she cannot afford to smoke as she has to get food in her dd belly and presents for her birthday. I most certainly would refuse and ask for that money

RoooneyMara · 07/07/2013 12:21

I think you are being manipulated OP.

Yes she didn't ask you to buy her dd anything

But she told you she was upset about it so you did

and then she complained that it wasn't enough

and then she 'found' a tenner and wants some cigarettes

You are being had.

I'd back away completely from this 'friend' tbh.

CecilyP · 07/07/2013 12:24

I don't think OP is the one who is being controllling and patronising. It would be different if the friend had just received her next benefit payment but, no, her friend has suddenly 'found' £10 this morning. This suggest to me that said friend had this £10 all along that she was keeping back for cigarettes and the tears about food and a birthday present was all an act. I feel OP is being used.

MagzFarqharson · 07/07/2013 12:26

gorionine thanks, wish I'd said that.

CSIJanner · 07/07/2013 12:26

Wheresmycaffiene - my bad! I think it was a x-post as OP updated. I read the orginal post that the friend wanted to buy a gift for OP's daughter. Now I realise that the gift was for the friends DD who got next to nothing, then definately yes, YANBU. Children first, especially as the date didn't just creep up on her.

MidniteScribbler · 07/07/2013 12:27

They are legal, though, so the OP isn't compromising herself, unless she follows a religion that forbids smoking.

Or in my case I have a no smoking clause in my work contract. It's a small town, and I like my job, so I would never buy them for anyone, regardless of the circumstances.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 07/07/2013 12:29

I should think that most if us here have at some point had to go without something they really wanted or even needed in order to ensure the children have what they need. Most of us in a heart beat would sacrifice cigarettes or even eating if it meant that there was an extra fiver to feed the children or that the food we had would last that little bit longer. That's what being a parent is. It sucks at times like that but that's just what you do. But not buying your child food or birthday presents and buying fags instead has nothing to do with being disabled or miserable or housebound or addicted and everything to do with being a selfish cow.

Birdsgottafly · 07/07/2013 12:30

"I would not want to contribute to more chances for a friend to get cancer"

Once again, if you have capacity, then you have the right to decide for yourself what you do. No-one has the right to take that control away from you, unless you are into child porn etc and go to prison, of course.

Where do we draw the line? I don't agree with fizzy drinks, i would rather than my friends don't drink them, or eat meat etc.

My DD goes horse riding, her friends go Kayaking, which thanks to another thread i have just found can be a health hazard.

I cannot believe that posters think they have the right to impose their opinions onto others to this extent, it is oppressive behavior.

This is a ethical issue which is debated by those delivering care to the disabled, which i have had to think about, in the course of my work.

NonSecateurs · 07/07/2013 12:30

YANBU.

I was in the supermarket just before Xmas with a friend who is always skint; mostly because she smokes 20 a day and gets through at least two bottles of vodka a week.

As usual she was bemoaning the fact she was skint, and how bad she felt that she couldn't afford much for her teenage daughter for Xmas.

She picked up a couple of Tesco's own body sprays for her. Cost about 50p each.

And then bought a large bottle of vodka

I could have slapped her.

MidniteScribbler · 07/07/2013 12:35

I cannot believe that posters think they have the right to impose their opinions onto others to this extent, it is oppressive behavior.

You cannot impose your opinions on someone else, but nor do you have to be a party to those choices. A vegetarian cannot be forced to serve meat to a non vegetarian when they come over to dinner. A non drinker is not obliged to serve wine at their dinner party. A smoker cannot force another person to buy cigarettes for them.

daisychain01 · 07/07/2013 12:40

YANBU, I wouldnt buy ciggies for anyone, end of story. Nothing to do with being the keeper of anyone's morals. Its a personal choice but it seems OPs latest clarification goes beyond the initial situation Scariest, You aren't from what I can tell, passing any moral judgement, you find yourself in the awful situation of being damned if you do damned if you don't.

Sorry to be blunt but you are being put upon by someone who you consider to be a friend, and if you don't call time on "rescuing" her, you are not actually helping her, rather you are making her increasingly dependent on you, as a source of funds, which isn't constructive over the long term. You've done a lot to support her already maybe restrict help to non-financial, practical support. X

pigletmania · 07/07/2013 12:42

Nonsecabeurs why dident you! She deserved a slapping

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 07/07/2013 12:43

But the op doesn't have a problem with buying fags. birds what she has a problem with is buying them knowing full well that the child barely has a birthday present and wouldn't have one at all if the op hadnt bought it.

Aiding and abetting that kind of selfish irresponsible behaviour doesn't help anyone and ultimately encourages people to continually make the bad decisions because someone else will help them out. Cos lets face it no ones going to see a child Hungry.

pigletmania · 07/07/2013 12:44

Sorry birds this is not about op friends health and all that, it's tat she had no money for food or a present for her dd, te first money she got she wanted fags, instead of paying op back. Just because your disabled does not mean you hav to act like a selfish cow

pigletmania · 07/07/2013 12:46

Midnight hit the nail on the head

pigletmania · 07/07/2013 12:49

Exactly op has a right not to enable that kind of behaviour as the more people who do, the more people like her will get away with it

gorionine · 07/07/2013 12:51

Where do we draw the line? I don't agree with fizzy drinks, i would rather than my friends don't drink them, or eat meat etc.
IMHO, you draw the line wherever you want to. I would not take cigarettes away from her but I would not buy them for her. If I felt really strongly that fizzy drinks were evil, i would not buy them for her and so on.
Now with regards to kayaking, do not see a link between the two things. accidents happen even when just walking into a park you cannot prevent absolutely everything to happen or life would become tremendously boring. Cigarettes are a real contributing factor for ill health to the smokers AND the people around them, mainly own children due to passive smoking.

edam · 07/07/2013 12:51

Is your friend getting all the support she should? All the benefits to which she's entitled, all the social care services? I'm worried that she's relying on you to help out with money when she's disabled to the point of being housebound.

Re. cigarettes - the friend didn't ask OP to buy birthday presents, the OP did it as a kind, thoughtful gesture.

I don't see why because someone is disabled it means they don't have a right to spend their own money on whatever they like. You may disapprove but you don't have the right to stop them because it's more difficult for them to get to the shop themselves.

I'm vegetarian, would posters back me if I refused to buy meat for a friend who was unable to get to the shops? Hell, I'd even go into a butchers if I was doing a favour for a friend who really needed my help, even though I can't stand the places (don't object to them existing, just don't want to go inside them as the smell and sights are gross).

CecilyP · 07/07/2013 12:51

I think the health risks of smoking is a bit of a red herring in this case. What the friend is asking of OP is for her to buy her an expensive luxury item (albeit one she is adicted to) at the same time as pleading being to poor to afford necessities. OP has already been an enabler of this situation and is now coming to realise this.

edam · 07/07/2013 12:54

Btw, my sister used to work in social care. One of the residents where she worked wanted to buy porn videos. Cue a big meeting and lots of fuss. My sister stuck up for him on the grounds it was his money and his right to decide how to spend it - none of anyone else's business. Quite right too.

harverina · 07/07/2013 12:54

The op hadn't said anywhere that she disagrees with the concept of buying her friend cigarettes - it's the current circumstances that she is annoyed about.

edam · 07/07/2013 12:56

Cecily, 'her' is ambiguous in your post - needs to be clear that the friend is not asking OP to pay for the goods, merely asking OP to go to the shops.

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