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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to buy fags for my friend?

107 replies

ScariestFairyByFar · 07/07/2013 10:24

My friend can't leave the house so often asks me to get fags for her. This week I've helped her out buying food and dds birthday present as she was in tears cos she was going to have nothing to open because she could afford to buy her anything. She's found £10 this morning and wants me to get fags for her. Aibu to refuse to go?

OP posts:
MidniteScribbler · 07/07/2013 12:56

Where do we draw the line? I don't agree with fizzy drinks, i would rather than my friends don't drink them, or eat meat etc.

I don't like my friends two year old drinking a can of pepsi max everyday. I will not serve it in my house. If my friend wants to bring it with her and give it to her, that's fine, but she can't force me to do so.

I'm vegetarian, would posters back me if I refused to buy meat for a friend who was unable to get to the shops?

If you felt strongly about it, then I would not expect you to buy it for me. I would use online shopping, or ask someone else. I have no right to force you to do something against your moral code.

ENormaSnob · 07/07/2013 12:56

Yanbu

That is just fucking cheeky, selfish and unfair to her dd.

painforlife · 07/07/2013 12:58

you people are being too judgmental I think. unless ur stuck indoors 24/7 with a child have no money u have no insight into that individual's state of mind. I personally think OP's friend needs help (professional help). if an individual is choosing fags over buying food/present for a child surely that should make any1 question what kind of mental state. OP stop thinking she is being selfish & get her the much needed help she sounds like she needs. anyway wimbledon has started so I'll leave u all to.continue being judgmental.

pigletmania · 07/07/2013 13:00

Edam not when you have a child to feed and cloth, that comes first I'm afraid, the lowest for me would be not being able to buy my child a birthday present. Not for op friend, the first thing sh wants to do s get fags when sh has money, not pay op back. You can't tell a bank, no sorry I can't pay you back as I've got to get fags. Sorry part of being an adult is taking responsibikity

pigletmania · 07/07/2013 13:03

Yes painfor she probably does need professional help, and op mabey could contact ss on her behalf or speak to CAB, but meanwhile it's her right not to buy the fags and ask for tat money to repay her

CecilyP · 07/07/2013 13:15

I see what you mean, edam, I realise the friend now has the money to pay for the cigarettes, but that doesn't change the fact that she had no money to buy the necessities that OP kindly agreed to pay for during the week. If this was a once off, it wouldn't be so bad, but OP has said she has paid for things before.

Original poster
ScariestFairyByFar · 07/07/2013 13:16

Just to set a few things straight its my friends dd not mine. I don't expect paying back for the latest lot of food and present and I chose to get it and wouldn't even mind if she had bought dd another little present rather than paying me back for what she owed me but feel its selfish to get fags with it.

OP posts:
edam · 07/07/2013 13:24

Yes, it is objectively selfish, but people are entitled to spend their own money how they choose. Even if other people disapprove. Smoking is an addiction and a very nasty one in lots of ways, not least in that it's ruddy hard to break free. And you have to want to break free, not have other people impose it on you.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 07/07/2013 13:30

But it's not about the cigarettes and imposing the need to quit. I expect the op would feel the same if it was wine or a DVD or scratch cards or perfume or a handbag. It's about not wanting to enable behaviour that is leading to neglect of her own child's needs in order to pay for stuff for her that she doesn't need. No ones going to drop dead and the world is not going to end if she doesn't get the fags but her child WILL go hungry if the mum continues to prioritise her needs over the dd.

MissStrawberry · 07/07/2013 13:36

It seems to me she can't exactly afford to smoke so needs to think about what she can go without if she insists on continuing. She obviously wants to smoke, isn't actually that bothered about affording other things when she has friends to bail her out so maybe you are in the one to stop enabling her.

TarkaTheOtter · 07/07/2013 13:40

I'd stop lending her money but I would buy her the fags.

Actually, I think she would be better

TarkaTheOtter · 07/07/2013 13:41

Cont.

Better off with help from someone more independent. Relying in friends can cause these sorts of issues.

TarkaTheOtter · 07/07/2013 13:43

Although I agree into opinion she shouldn't be smoking, if she were not housebound she would be able to spend her money how she wants so I think she would be better off with help with shopping with no strings attached.

DontmindifIdo · 07/07/2013 13:45

Anyone on a low wage with DCs who smokes is making a selfish choice every time they buy fags, because unless you are very wealthy, a parent smoking does equate to lower standards for the DCs. Be it in this case of not enough food and no birthday gifts to the more mild ones of people who claim not to be able to save enough to ever be able to help DCs out at uni or talk about struggling to have family holidays, but spend a grand a year on fags.

However, adults are allowed to be selfish and not put their DCs first if they want too.

Floggingmolly · 07/07/2013 13:55

So, she couldn't afford to buy her dd a birthday gift, when you bought a gift she moaned it wasn't very much, and when she found a tenner; instead of being delighted to could now get a bigger gift she wanted to spend it on fags. What an extremely ugly situation. Sad
Can't believe all the cries of "get the cigarettes, you've obviously never been addicted". I have.
It would never have crossed my mind to do this.

pigletmania · 07/07/2013 15:27

Exactly flogging. Op said that the woman can manage without fags for a bit so she is able to put her dd needs first but choises to satisfy het own selfish habits. Op stop lending her money, dont you dare buy her fags. Look at ways you can get her professional help

Original poster
ScariestFairyByFar · 07/07/2013 15:35

To add insult to injury she's given her the stuff already cos she was being a pain! So now has nothing for birthday on Wednesday

OP posts:
RoooneyMara · 07/07/2013 15:37

This is an inadequate parent. How is her dd, generally - does she have enough to eat, clothes that fit etc?

What else is happening here? It sounds like her mother either can't or won't cope.

I am so sorry for this little girl

pigletmania · 07/07/2013 15:43

Stop lending this drain snymore money. Tough if she cannot afford s present for her dd birthday, its her who will have to see the disappointment on her dd face. Mabey then she will realise that she has to put her dd befire fags

pigletmania · 07/07/2013 16:19

Tell your friend that you will take that 10, and buy her dd something fir her actual birthday. My goodnesd its aful to havr to resirt to somethinh like that

pianodoodle · 07/07/2013 16:27

I think if it wasn't for the disability she would be able to go and buy them herself.

I don't like the idea of using the fact that she can't, to exercise control over her decisions whether you agree with them or not.

TartinaTiara · 07/07/2013 16:31

My XH is an alcoholic. I can do no better than quote my DD, who suffered from his addiction and consequent fuckwittery in much the same way as your friend's DD is suffering from her mother's fuckwittery.

"Addiction is a disease. I sympathise with that, and can forgive him for it. Acting like a cunt is a choice. I can't forgive him for that."

Your friend is choosing to act like a cunt.

Inertia · 07/07/2013 16:58

YANBU. If she cannot afford to feed her own child then she can't afford to smoke. Only you know you friend well enough to know whether she's genuinely struggling, or she's taking advantage. However, it's an incredible coincidence that she found the money to satisfy her own wants after you'd provided for her child. And the fact that you bought a present, and then she moaned that it wasn't much , and then she gave it to her child before her birthday - it's hard to want to go on helping when your help seems to be so undervalued.

Personally I wouldn't buy any cigarettes for anybody ever, but that's because it absolutely revolts me.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 07/07/2013 17:00

piano I do t think she's exerting control over her at all. She has repeatedly helped her out with money and shopping and given up her time to do so. Refusing to make another journey , waste more of her own time running errands instead of relaxing like she wanted for a non essential item which is taking the piss to ask given she's only just been round there a d spent money she didn't have on her, is perfectly within ops rights.

pigletmania · 07/07/2013 17:07

Exactly wheresmy, op is not exerting control, but does not want to be used. Yes mabey friend needs people to stop enabling her so that she can wake up to e situation and see its reality! yes she can spend her money how she wants if she can feed and clothe her child, she cannot, expects peopl to bail her out by turning on the waterworks. Op has every right to cut this off

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