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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to buy fags for my friend?

107 replies

ScariestFairyByFar · 07/07/2013 10:24

My friend can't leave the house so often asks me to get fags for her. This week I've helped her out buying food and dds birthday present as she was in tears cos she was going to have nothing to open because she could afford to buy her anything. She's found £10 this morning and wants me to get fags for her. Aibu to refuse to go?

OP posts:
LuisSuarezTeeth · 07/07/2013 11:11

Well I can see why it's a problem but she,s obviously addicted. But, she didn't ask you to get stuff and how she spends her money is up to her I suppose.

CSIJanner · 07/07/2013 11:13

There's two interpretations to this: she owes you money and has found £10 and instead of paying you back, wants you to buy cigarettes for her. That's just rude. I know smoking is addictive but just like all addictions, its amazing how money is suddenly found. YANBU to refuse on her being rude and owing you money.

However, are you refusing on the grounds of being anti-smoking? It's all subjective and depends on how strongly you feel about it. DH would refuse to buy his grandmother cigarettes despite her being stuck in a nursing home as both his beloved grandfathers died from lung cancer. He made it clear when we met that if I was a smoker, we wouldn't have even dated. His gran does have other people to ask and he wouldn't have a go at her for smoking as it is an addiction and her last real vice she enjoys but he misses his granddads and she knows how he feels about it.

I have a veggie friend whose done the same - refuses to buy meat even as a favour but then I know how strongly she feels about it all. Could you tell her that you can this once as you're friends but that you won't do it again? If you've not forewarned her, she isn't to know how strongly you feel?

KirjavaTheCat · 07/07/2013 11:14

So the only presents her DD will be getting are from you? Is that right?

That is horrible Sad

She should be buying something for her DD, or if short on food, some shopping. Yes it's up to her how she spends her money, but you don't have to agree with it and you certainly don't have to facilitate it. I wouldn't blame you for refusing. Yanbu.

pigletmania · 07/07/2013 11:15

I agree wheresmy, addiction is an explanation but not an excuse, she has a dd and needs to prioritise. Mabey get her some e cigs and nicotine gum, and help her with budgeting so she has enough

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 07/07/2013 11:16

I think the op is more annoyed at the fact that she's still upset over there not being much in the way of birthday presents and yet would rather spend the money on fags. She's bought her cigarettes before do its not an anti smoking stance. It's a "get your shit together your child comes first stance"

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 07/07/2013 11:17

That was to CSI :)

YouTheCat · 07/07/2013 11:18

I smoke. If it came down to fags or a birthday pressie/food/paying back a kind friend, the fags would be last on the list.

I would be grumpy and miserable but some things are more important than my addiction.

Birdsgottafly · 07/07/2013 11:18

" it would be different if she asked you to score drugs - well she is in a way, isn't she? what other purpose do they serve?"

They are legal, though, so the OP isn't compromising herself, unless she follows a religion that forbids smoking.

OP, is she on the benefits that she should be on? and does she need help that you cannot provide?

In other words, does she need referring to adult/disabled SS?

She has enough loss of control, by the sound of it, it is wrong for her choices to be cut down down further. I am sure that we could all look at each others spending and nearly halve it (i am vegetarian, for example).

Look at all of the threads on here about the posters parents having the cheek to have disposable money and go on holiday with it, when those posting don't. Travel the world and discover that compared to many, we live like kings, in the UK.

I would be honest and tell her what i think, though. You are not obliged to help her out with money, i think that, that is the problem. You are in a situation and she is taking you for granted.

Birdsgottafly · 07/07/2013 11:22

"Mabey get her some e cigs and nicotine gum"

We don't have the right to decide for other adults what their money is spent on and what they indulge in, even if they are physically disabled.

YouTheCat · 07/07/2013 11:23

True, we don't. But we do have the right to judge someone as being bloody selfish.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 07/07/2013 11:36

And I also think someone has the right to refuse to indulge someone with said selfish behaviour especially when a child is actively going without in order to fund something that is non essential and a luxury.

pigletmania · 07/07/2013 11:39

Exactly you. I would tell her that she needs to give me that 10 for her dd birthday present. She needs to act like an adult and out her dd first.

pigletmania · 07/07/2013 11:41

Exactly wheresmy I would refuse if I was op and ask form that £10 for HER dd present

pigletmania · 07/07/2013 11:43

Oh so she can manag without cigarettes op, but chose instead of paying you back for HER dd present to get cigarettes instead. Poor dd she may grow up resenting her mother. Ow is she like with her dd, des she look after and treat her well, o put her needs above

TheRealFellatio · 07/07/2013 11:45

YANBU. Anyone who needs to beg and borrow to put food on the table for a child should not be spending money on cigarettes. I don't care about any argument to the contrary.

harverina · 07/07/2013 11:51

She sounds like she is not budgeting her money very well generally and needs more help with that.

Presumably if she hasn't bought cigarettes last week, or cut down over the past few weeks, she may have been able to buy her daughter a present. Pretty pathetic in my opinion.

MortaIWombat · 07/07/2013 11:53

I'm confused by your ambiguous posting. Confused
Is this birthday her daughter's or your daughter's?
If the former, I'd not be enabling the smoking. If the latter, meh. I would have told her not to worry about a gift.

painforlife · 07/07/2013 11:53

OP ur friend sounds like she could do with some professional help for her mental state. I'm physically disabled and housebound so know first hand how physical disability effects mental health. I'm a smoker too so know what it's like to want a cig when there r none available. I'm not making excuses for ur friend as I dont have her money problems. the best thing u can do is actually sit down and have a frank chat with her.

MortifiedAdams · 07/07/2013 11:57

You say to her "It isnt up to me to tell you what to do with your money, but if when you have spare cash your first thought is ciggies and not food or your dd, then I am not stepping in again to help you out with money" and leave her to be responsible for her own actions.

A physical disability is no excuse for being a shitty mother (prioritising ciggies.over your own child makes you a shitty mother in ny book).

ImagineJL · 07/07/2013 11:58

She's said she can manage without cigarettes, so I'd take her money and go and buy her poor DD a few more things for her birthday.

OK so smoking is an addiction etc etc, but having kids involves a lot of sacrifice. I've always liked to get a bit of sleep at night, but that's gone by the wayside since having kids. I'd also like to be lying on a sun lounger reading a book today, but instead I'm dragging myself round a local carnival in the heat. This list is endless. Kids should come first.

caramelwaffle · 07/07/2013 12:01

How much money does she owe you?

GaiusIsAnAceName · 07/07/2013 12:08

She's taking advantage of you.

JuliaScurr · 07/07/2013 12:08

yabu
I'm disabled in same situation as your friend
I stopped smoking about 10 years ago; really difficult
If a 'friend' had refused to buy me cigs as is being suggested they would not be my friend for long
incredibly controlling and patronising
she could have a bit of tobacco and spend the rest on dd

specialsubject · 07/07/2013 12:09

not enough money for her kids, but enough for drugs?

you can get nicotine patches on the NHS. Life helps those that helps themselves.

MidniteScribbler · 07/07/2013 12:10

YANBU. She should offer you that money first as repayment for everything you have spent on her, then it's up to you to accept it or let her keep it and spend it on something else. She's using you OP, and you're letting her do it. Regardless of her physical disability, no matter how bad things are, people try and repay those that help them out in whatever manner they can. They don't ring the person who has just bought presents for their DDs birthday for them and then ask them to get cigarettes. She's a user.