Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you're aware your child is a spoiled brat - you should do something about it! AIBU?

245 replies

WhistlingNun · 05/07/2013 17:14

I've just had the most frustrating conversation with my brother and Sil.

I'm taking my nephew - their 12yo son - away to a caravan holiday next week with me and 5yo dd.

Brother and SIL have just popped in for a quick visit, during which they tried to hand me £500! They said it was his spending money.

Then they tried to give my dd £300 and £100 for myself. I explained that no child would need that amount of spending money for a week at Haven. Most of the entertainment is included, but he might need a wee bit of spending money if he wanted to do extra activities such as climbing wall etc. But only £50 maximum.

I also said that i was only planning on eating out maybe 2 nights out of 7 (self catering) but i'm happy to cover the cost of his meals.

Well, they quite candidly said that my nephew is very fussy and would probably want a burger every night.

They said that i would find my hand constantly in my pocket to keep him happy.

He'd constantly be asking for money for the arcades.

He'll be moody and complaining if i don't give him money to occupy himself while i'm doing things with dd like the kids club.

He;ll be wanting drinks every two minutes.

I tried to assure them that i had a cheaper plan.

I'd buy him in nice quick foods or micro burgers to eat at the caravan. I didn't want my daughter eating out 7 nights and it wouldn't be fair to let him run into burger king every evening when my daughter's having to eat 'boring normal' food in the caravan.

They said he wouldn't put up with this and would go in a mood and probably not eat anything i made.

I said we can all spend a certain amount of time (maybe an hour) going around the arcades, and I'd ration him to £5-£10 per day.

They said he wouldn't be happy about this. He could quite easily spend an entire day at the arcades spending £100 each time. (They suggested i ration his arcade money to £25 a day).

I said he can take one of his portable computers to play (he has an ipad, psp, wiiU and a frigging 3DS) while i'm doing stuff with dd, rather than him doing something that costs money.

They said he gets fed up of his computers after 5 minutes so this wouldn't work.

I suggested i could buy a multipack of capri suns and take some out with me each evening for him rather than buy expensive drinks. They said he will prefer drinks that come fresh from the bar.

They were completely apologetic throughout all of this, stating they were fully aware he was a 'spoiled wee shit' as they so eloquently put it. My SIL says she's just spent over £600 on buying him new clothes for this holiday (almost twice the cost of the actual holiday!) and that she'd had to practically force him to murmur a thank you to her.

I was appalled. I said 'Well in future take him to the likes of Primark."

Then she looked appalled (snobby). "Oh no, he'd not have that. It's all got to be brand name with him."

It wasn't really my place to say, but i said it anyway. "If you want him to stop acting so precious, stop throwing money at him every two minutes."

They said they know it's their own fault, but he's gotten too used to it now, he doesn't know any different.

They left saying that if he plays up - which they anticipate - then they'll bring him home right away.

Now, i've had my nephew stay overnight before - so this week away is a big leap.

Yes, he is indeed a spoiled wee shit. But i don't stand for it when he;s here (which is probably why he hates staying with me!). E.g. the other week, i took him to the cinema and a cafe for a belated birthday treat.

Cost me a bloody fortune. Not one single thank you.

he complained the film was rubbish.

He choose the most expensive pizza on the menu (£20!) then decided he didn't like it. And went in a huff when i refused to buy him the second most expensive item on the menu. So he got landed with a basket of chips. Then all the way home he complained that his mum had bought him a crappy tablet instead of an ipad for his birthday. (They went out the next week and bought him an ipad - the tablet is now in the drawer).

I'm probably coming across as a total bitch here. But i just don't understand. If you know your child is a spoiled brat - why would you just put up with it? Why why why?

Anyway, i thanked them for the money, but handed them back the £400 they'd tried to give me and dd. I then reluctantly took the £500 for my nephew, but assured them he'd be coming home with a lot of change. The blimmin holiday only cost £400!

I love my nephew. I do. And i'm not dreading the week away with him. He'll be good company for me and dd. I'm sort of hoping to drum into him next week that it's possible to have fun without spending a heap of cash.

Wow what a rant! I started this at 4.30 - dinner's a-cinder!

OP posts:
5Foot5 · 12/07/2013 13:41

Dont want to hurt brothers and sils feelings by slating their son. When they ask how hes been I think ill just give a very forced and unconvincing "hes been fine" then consider this a lesson learned.

You are much nicer than me.

I think I 'd be tempted to say "He has been a total PITA and I am never taking him anywhere ever again. But fair does I was warned!"

LJL69 · 12/07/2013 14:10

Can I add that this behaviour on the last day might suggest he is acting up because he is going home? He may not be looking forward to it. Perhaps he has had a better time than you think and may have quite liked the security of the boundaries you have put in place. Also may have enjoyed you talking to him rather than throwing money at him?

Fluffycloudland77 · 12/07/2013 14:23

Some poor woman is going to end up marrying him Sad

Remotecontrolduck · 12/07/2013 16:26

Nah I'm sorry you need to tell his parents what an obnoxious little horror he is. There is absolutely no need for that behaviour.

Terminate your relationship with him, stop putting the effort in now. Tell his parents to sort him out. Let him know that unless he wants to apologise, he's no longer welcome in your house, on holiday or anywhere else.

You don't need that kind of crap, I'm angry on your behalf. Emotionally damaged by his parents he may be but at 12 he can take a certain amount of responsibility for his behaviour.

Remotecontrolduck · 12/07/2013 16:29

That sounds very harsh reading it, but I'm afraid any non SN boy that pushes a 5 year old girl resulting in a first aid visit and thinks nothing of it isn't worthy of your time

Thisisaeuphemism · 12/07/2013 16:36

I would tell his parents - unemotionally and unjudgementally what he has done. I imagine they know - that's wht they offered you so much money they knew it was going to be hard.
A certain amount of sulking and complaining is to be expected from a 12 yr old- he has gone way beyond what's acceptable tho and I feel sorry for everyone involved..

WilsonFrickett · 12/07/2013 16:57

OK so I have just read this thread - firstly well done for getting through it!

I do understand that you now want to cut ties with him, I completely get it, but please, please, don't. I'm not suggesting taking him on holiday, or even out for an afternoon with your dd - but please do keep communication open with him. He needs you and one day he will realise that and (hopefully) come to you for help and support. Because he ain't getting that from his parents.

exoticfruits · 12/07/2013 17:26

I would keep the lines of communication open- he is a very unhappy child. No contact all week from his parents tells you a lot. However, don't take him on holiday again and I would tell them, in general terms, how it has been.

shewhowines · 12/07/2013 19:01

Try not to say too much in front of him, but i'd definitely try to have a serious chat with his parents about what it was really like and how worried you are about his future. Obviously you will have to guage how far you can push it without ruining your adult relationships, but you owe it to him to try to get him some help. Maybe they are worried about it but don't know what to do about it. Maybe they would be open to an outsiders perspective. See if you can suggest going to the doctors for to ask for help or parenting classes or something.

Give it one last chance to get them face up to reality.

JewelFairies · 12/07/2013 20:13

I disagree about not saying anything in front of him. He's twelve and if his behaviour is unacceptable he needs to be told in no uncertain terms. He may smirk but at some level it might get through - I wonder if he's ever been told off before. I would tell him quite clearly that his behaviour is awful and give him examples of where he went wrong. I'd also tell him
He will no longer be invited to visit or spend time with at the very least until he apologises for pushing your dd.

I'm fuming on your behalf OP

pictish · 12/07/2013 20:18

I tthink you ought to tell your db and his wife exactly what their son has been like this week.
They should know.

RandomMess · 12/07/2013 20:22

I would ask your nephes in front of his parents what he thought of his behaviour over the week - will be interesting to see what he says...

HouseAtreides · 12/07/2013 20:49

I'd tell his parents- but I'd tell him first.

Thisisaeuphemism · 12/07/2013 20:57

The thing is he knows his parents will do nothing...

sarine1 · 12/07/2013 21:20

I'd ask him what he thinks his behaviour's been like. I suspect he's had a better time than you realise but has been thrown by being outside his comfort zones. He's been with an adult who he can't manipulate and that's both comforting (boundaries) but scary as he's used to getting his own way.
He sounds so in need of some parenting with boundaries and consequences. Good on you for giving him a chance to see a different family in operation. It MAY have an effect later on.

Hissy · 13/07/2013 07:32

His parents haven't called ONCE?

That poor boy.

I know he's as annoying as shit, but telling 2 people that don't care is pointless.

I'd talk to him and say that while I was sure it made a nice change to sitting at home doing nothing, and that you were sure that he's enjoyed SOME of the week, i'd like to know if he thought i'd want to invite him again, and why.

Then i'd say no more, until he answered.

Hissy · 13/07/2013 07:34

THEN i'd bollock his parents privately for doing SUCH a shit job of raising a young man.

ILovePonyo · 13/07/2013 08:06

Also fuming on your behalf OP.

I think you should tell the parents how he's been, they won't be surprised but at least they'll see how his behaviour has resulted in you not wanting to take him away again.

Could you speak to him too? Say something like "I feel like you've not enjoyed our holiday. And I feel your behaviour was unacceptable bcos of..." If he says he has enjoyed it and is just a negative person (or whatever he said before) then I'm a bit stumped to be honest Confused

I feel for you though OP.

Whothefuckfarted · 13/07/2013 08:27

They sound like silly cunts who will ruin their child.

exoticfruits · 13/07/2013 08:29

I would tell his parents what he was like, but the one thing you can't do in RL is criticise their parenting- not if you want to continue your relationship.

yawningbear · 13/07/2013 08:30

I agree with LJL69. I think it is very telling that the worst behaviour happens on the last day. It is all very sad and the outcome for him looks very bleak unless his parents drastically changes their ways which seems unlikely. Sounds like you have done brilliantly though OP.

Figgygal · 13/07/2013 08:37

He sounds insufferable but also feel sorry for him he sounds very confused/unhappy. Hope you get home today without killing him

helenthemadex · 13/07/2013 09:34

I do think it was always going to be hard with such a big age gap, which would mean that they would be interested in totally different things. I know others have said that in families there is often the same sort of age gap, that's true but then the kids have grown up with it and are used to the comprimises that are needed in a family.

I'm not sure that he sounds that different to a lot of pre-teen kids to be honest, hard to please, grumpy, fussy and pushing boundaries all the time. What is different is that he is used to not having any boundaries and getting what he wants all the time

I hope you and your dd managed to have some fun and enjoy your holiday

TweedWasSoLastYear · 13/07/2013 09:48

I feel sad for you WN. You try to do a nice thing for your family and it turns into a nightmare. He does sound unloved and unwanted and to some extent un-parented . No rules , no boundary's , no consequences . Not good for the future , at least you tried .
I do hope you and dd managed some fun times in between the little horror show .
oh . just how much of the £500 did you spend??
I think i would be keeping the balance for trips for me and DD over the summer hols. A little thank you from the little shop of horrors.

ElphabaTheGreen · 13/07/2013 10:16

That is utterly, utterly miserable that his parents didn't make contact the entire week. I know you've said they do make time for him as SIL works part time and your brother works from home, but he clearly spends a lot of time with the insides of their wallets and not much else if they didn't phone once in an entire week apart from him. Sickening.

I agree that you have to tell his parents, as objectively as you can, exactly what his behaviour has been like as they are so used to paying him off they may not be aware that they're nurturing a delinquent. If their response is, 'Well that's why we gave you that money', you can either keep a lid on it or let rip and screw the consequences. I'd do the latter because I really don't think I'd want to maintain a relationship with people who bribe and emotionally neglect a child.

Swipe left for the next trending thread