If you're aware your child is a spoiled brat - you should do something about it! AIBU?

[WhistlingNun]

I've just had the most frustrating conversation with my brother and Sil.

I'm taking my nephew - their 12yo son - away to a caravan holiday next week with me and 5yo dd.

Brother and SIL have just popped in for a quick visit, during which they tried to hand me £500! They said it was his spending money.

Then they tried to give my dd £300 and £100 for myself. I explained that no child would need that amount of spending money for a week at Haven. Most of the entertainment is included, but he might need a wee bit of spending money if he wanted to do extra activities such as climbing wall etc. But only £50 maximum.

I also said that i was only planning on eating out maybe 2 nights out of 7 (self catering) but i'm happy to cover the cost of his meals.

Well, they quite candidly said that my nephew is very fussy and would probably want a burger every night.

They said that i would find my hand constantly in my pocket to keep him happy.

He'd constantly be asking for money for the arcades.

He'll be moody and complaining if i don't give him money to occupy himself while i'm doing things with dd like the kids club.

He;ll be wanting drinks every two minutes.

I tried to assure them that i had a cheaper plan.

I'd buy him in nice quick foods or micro burgers to eat at the caravan. I didn't want my daughter eating out 7 nights and it wouldn't be fair to let him run into burger king every evening when my daughter's having to eat 'boring normal' food in the caravan.

They said he wouldn't put up with this and would go in a mood and probably not eat anything i made.

I said we can all spend a certain amount of time (maybe an hour) going around the arcades, and I'd ration him to £5-£10 per day.

They said he wouldn't be happy about this. He could quite easily spend an entire day at the arcades spending £100 each time. (They suggested i ration his arcade money to £25 a day).

I said he can take one of his portable computers to play (he has an ipad, psp, wiiU and a frigging 3DS) while i'm doing stuff with dd, rather than him doing something that costs money.

They said he gets fed up of his computers after 5 minutes so this wouldn't work.

I suggested i could buy a multipack of capri suns and take some out with me each evening for him rather than buy expensive drinks. They said he will prefer drinks that come fresh from the bar.

They were completely apologetic throughout all of this, stating they were fully aware he was a 'spoiled wee shit' as they so eloquently put it. My SIL says she's just spent over £600 on buying him new clothes for this holiday (almost twice the cost of the actual holiday!) and that she'd had to practically force him to murmur a thank you to her.

I was appalled. I said 'Well in future take him to the likes of Primark."

Then she looked appalled (snobby). "Oh no, he'd not have that. It's all got to be brand name with him."

It wasn't really my place to say, but i said it anyway. "If you want him to stop acting so precious, stop throwing money at him every two minutes."

They said they know it's their own fault, but he's gotten too used to it now, he doesn't know any different.

They left saying that if he plays up - which they anticipate - then they'll bring him home right away.

Now, i've had my nephew stay overnight before - so this week away is a big leap.

Yes, he is indeed a spoiled wee shit. But i don't stand for it when he;s here (which is probably why he hates staying with me!). E.g. the other week, i took him to the cinema and a cafe for a belated birthday treat.

Cost me a bloody fortune. Not one single thank you.

he complained the film was rubbish.

He choose the most expensive pizza on the menu (£20!) then decided he didn't like it. And went in a huff when i refused to buy him the second most expensive item on the menu. So he got landed with a basket of chips. Then all the way home he complained that his mum had bought him a crappy tablet instead of an ipad for his birthday. (They went out the next week and bought him an ipad - the tablet is now in the drawer).

I'm probably coming across as a total bitch here. But i just don't understand. If you know your child is a spoiled brat - why would you just put up with it? Why why why?

Anyway, i thanked them for the money, but handed them back the £400 they'd tried to give me and dd. I then reluctantly took the £500 for my nephew, but assured them he'd be coming home with a lot of change. The blimmin holiday only cost £400!

I love my nephew. I do. And i'm not dreading the week away with him. He'll be good company for me and dd. I'm sort of hoping to drum into him next week that it's possible to have fun without spending a heap of cash.

Wow what a rant! I started this at 4.30 - dinner's a-cinder!

[greenhill]

whistlingnun what a shame that your DN hasn't tried to join in as a family with you and your DD.

As he is 12 and 5 foot 9, maybe his teenage hormones have pushed him into brat category a bit early. Maybe he will have fond memories of the holiday to relay to his parents even though it has been horrendous for you.

It certainly sounds as if his own parents have neglected his personal development and spoiled him with too many treats and rewards for bad behaviour in the past. How could they (and his school) have allowed this arrogance, selfishness and destructiveness to continue for so long? If only they had worked on this when he was younger, hopefully this behaviour isn't set in stone now...poor boy. Neglect comes in many forms.

I wish your holiday had been a happier one for you and your DD

[WhistlingNun]

Thanks, everyone.

Home at last - bliss!

DD's away to bed for an early night and I'm sitting with my first cup of decent tea in 7 days.

Never. Again.

I'd pulled nephew up on all his behavior. I said some pretty harsh things actually come Friday evening. I called him spoiled, a pain, i told him he's ruined mine and dd's holiday, i pleaded with him to tell me why he acts the way he does. Each time i told him off, he just ignored me and looked a wee bit sad. But no answer whatsoever. And then a few minutes later, he'd be back to normal.

My brother came and picked us up today. He seemed so pleased to see nephew and gave him a huge hug. Nephew started telling him all about our holiday, all the activities he'd done and asked me to show his dad the pictures i'd taken.

I couldn't spoil the mood by telling my brother how bloody awful he'd been, so i just kept fairly quiet and bit my tongue the whole journey home.

Before my brother arrived to pick us up, I'd asked nephew how he felt about not speaking to his parents for a week and he did seem quite sad. He asked my brother on the way home why he hadn't phoned to talk to him, and my brother told him it's because he and SIL didn't want to seem like busy bodies, and they assumed he'd be having too much fun to chat with them...

Now that I'm home, i feel really guilty, like i could have tried harder or been less harsh with him.

[Remotecontrolduck]

No I think he needs someone to be harsh with him. He needs to understand his behaviour is completely unacceptable, especially as he isn't a little kid now. He needs to take some responsibility, especially for the disgraceful violence against your DD on the last day.

However I would leave the door open for him to talk to you, if he was willing to apologise. He seems quite messed up.

You've done your best, it's more than a lot of people would do.

[buildingmycorestrength]

It sounds like a family headed for crisis. It is so sad.

I don't know what kind of relationship you have with the parents in terms of whether you could make some positive suggestions, but you could maybe point them in the direction of something like the 123 Magic guy who has, I believe just written a book for parents of teens.

Or, some kind of family therapy might be necessary.

[ouryve]

I know exactly where you're coming from.

Have fun!

[ouryve]

And just realised the thread is a week old and you've already had your fun!

[ouryve]

And now, having read the thread, that last day was all about being pissed off about it ending. I think it's quite telling that he CBA with the arcades all that much, either. They're obviously just a distraction for him, normally.

DS1 does that, but he has ASD and ADHD and has always been prone to huge meltdowns. And he never gains anything by it.

[ouryve]

"That" being the acting out the day before a transition, such as finishing a period staying with my parents.

[TarkaTheOtter]

Not excusing his behaviour to you and your daughter...

But I'd guess he never wanted to go and his parents talked him into it (possibly with a bribe of £500 spending money) because they wanted a break.

I can't imagine many 12 year old boys would want to spend a week with their aunt and 5 year old cousin. I also think its an age where they struggle to go off and entertain themselves too. It was the age at which my parents started letting us bring friends on holiday with us. He's being very ungrateful but my guess was that he was bored.

[formicadinosaur]

You need to tell the parents about everything. Then you need to ask them to get professional help so they can parent better.

[formicadinosaur]

I think there is no excise for such appalling behaviour

[kalidanger]

I haven't read every single post so I don't suppose I'm the first person to say that I can imagine nephews DW on here in 15 years, tearing her hair out.

He's 12 and he's been ruined but his parents. It's fucking sad

[WhistlingNun]

But i don't understand why he was bored.

All he does at home is play online playstation.

Last week, i suggested dozens of age appropriate things for him. He said no to pretty much everything - go karts, quads, roller coasters and other fairground rides, archery, wall climbing, etc etc etc. He eventually did a few of these things though, and did seem to enjoy them.

And if he wanted on the Playstation, he could have rented the one in the activity centre - but he said no to that idea, too.

He went home with about £300 change.

Oh, and i've just received a text from SIL asking why i had given nephew fizzy drinks last week as apparently he's not allowed these with his new brace.

I don't drink fizzy drinks, nor does dd. We drink water. It was nephew who asked for them and i thought nothing of it. Surely he should have said if he wasn't allowed?

I thought this stress would have gone once i'd come home. If anything, it's worsened.

[CSIJanner]

Actually wanted to say well down for the week with your nephew. His behaviour on the last day was shite, especially to your DD, but I think that he kicked off because the holiday was coming to an end plus he realised that his parents hadn't called him at all. It must be pretty shit to realise that your parents pay you off, palm you off (giving money to your aunt for the arcades etc) and not call. His shrugging off and acting normally when you had words with him is classic guilt denial that my 4yo exhibits. It will sink in and you'll probably be the adult he turns to later on.

Enjoy the cuppa. Then have a ice cold one. Tis earnt!

[CSIJanner]

Ad if he wasn't allowed fizzy drinks, you would have thought they would have mentioned that when they gave you the money!

[ouryve]

Oh, so she does have a boundary for him?

Never mind the indulgence, the inconsistency sticks out like a sore thumb.

[BigBoobiedBertha]

Is here a possibility your DN might have SN?

He may well be spoilt but it doesn't sound like he would be happy even if he had all his money and was allowed to spend all day in the arcades.

I don't know, maybe I am making excuses for him. I just haven't met a child who behaves that badly who doesn't have something else going on.

[buildingmycorestrength]

Dear Lord, he's allowed £500 for the arcade (which is patently insane) and they can go through every detail of all the crazy things he must be allowed to do, or baby will pitch a fit, and then they have the NERVE to moan that you let him have fizzy drinks when they didn't even mention it?

I am incensed on your behalf. That is NOT the way a grateful SIL behaves. .

[ElphabaTheGreen]

BBB I was thinking the same thing. Asberger's traits aplenty cropping up, but how would you sort out the disorder from the byproduct of shitty parenting

And SIL had the fucking NERVE to pull you up on something after you'd treated her son to a holiday, and her to a week off where she clearly didn't give a shiny shit at any point about her only child? Let rip, OP. would you be able to maintain a relationship with your brother if you put SIL's nose out of joint? Alternatively, could you calmly and objectively put down the salient points of DN's behaviour to your DB for him to mull over at his own leisure?

[WhistlingNun]

My dd has HFA. I totally understand that no two people on the spectrum are the same, but to me he doesn't seem to be anything other than used to getting his own way.

He doesn't have many friends but i think this is because he just chooses to sit in all day and play his computers. Not because of any SN.

He did seem to be tremendously bored. Constantly sighing and huffing and theatrically yawning. Asking 'What's next?' every five minutes.

Which is infuriating because i made sure they were always entertained/doing something and asked him multiple times a day what he wanted to do.

[pictish]

OP - why did you offer to take him?

[WhistlingNun]

I'm in tears now. Argh, i'm such an idiot.

I think all this week's restrained stress is finally coming out.

I've just text SIL back and said

'I'll call you tomorrow for a chat, too tired just now. M (nephew) didn't say anything about not being allowed fizzy drinks. In fact, i'd bought him a bottle of water one day and he practically threw it back in my face. Apparently he doesn't like it. He had very weak diluting juice most of the time, so i'm sure the few bottles of pop won't have done anything to his brace. Didn't the orthodontist tell nephew what he was and wasn't allowed to consume with them in? I would have assumed nephew would tell me if i'd given him something he wasn't allowed.'

Very lengthy and rambly, but hope she gets my point. I have a funny feeling that nephew is currently moaning about me to my brother and SIL telling him how horrible i was and how dreadful it was being made to do all sorts of things he didn't want to...

Why the hell did i bother?

[Levantine]

So difficult, he sounds very unhappy. I think you have done really well. My guess is that you are more important to him than he is letting on.

[pictish]

It all sounds very stressful OP. You've been keyed up by this all week, so it's no surprise that it's all flooding out now. Have a good cry. You'll feel better for it. xx

[WhistlingNun]

Because i've had nephew for a day out and overnight before. He's good company when he's behaving, and can be pleasant so long as he's happy and doing something he likes.

I never for a second knew just how badly behaved he can be. I thought my brother and sil were exaggerating.

I thought that all he needed was to be told 'no' a few times and then he'd change. Yes, i'm an idiot.

I've never been on holiday before with just me and dd. I usually go with my parents. So i thought i'd ask nephew along for some company for both me and dd. They've always gotten on on the afternoons they've spent together previously.

I seriously underestimated how different a day of him is compared to a week of him.