If you're aware your child is a spoiled brat - you should do something about it! AIBU?

[WhistlingNun]

I've just had the most frustrating conversation with my brother and Sil.

I'm taking my nephew - their 12yo son - away to a caravan holiday next week with me and 5yo dd.

Brother and SIL have just popped in for a quick visit, during which they tried to hand me £500! They said it was his spending money.

Then they tried to give my dd £300 and £100 for myself. I explained that no child would need that amount of spending money for a week at Haven. Most of the entertainment is included, but he might need a wee bit of spending money if he wanted to do extra activities such as climbing wall etc. But only £50 maximum.

I also said that i was only planning on eating out maybe 2 nights out of 7 (self catering) but i'm happy to cover the cost of his meals.

Well, they quite candidly said that my nephew is very fussy and would probably want a burger every night.

They said that i would find my hand constantly in my pocket to keep him happy.

He'd constantly be asking for money for the arcades.

He'll be moody and complaining if i don't give him money to occupy himself while i'm doing things with dd like the kids club.

He;ll be wanting drinks every two minutes.

I tried to assure them that i had a cheaper plan.

I'd buy him in nice quick foods or micro burgers to eat at the caravan. I didn't want my daughter eating out 7 nights and it wouldn't be fair to let him run into burger king every evening when my daughter's having to eat 'boring normal' food in the caravan.

They said he wouldn't put up with this and would go in a mood and probably not eat anything i made.

I said we can all spend a certain amount of time (maybe an hour) going around the arcades, and I'd ration him to £5-£10 per day.

They said he wouldn't be happy about this. He could quite easily spend an entire day at the arcades spending £100 each time. (They suggested i ration his arcade money to £25 a day).

I said he can take one of his portable computers to play (he has an ipad, psp, wiiU and a frigging 3DS) while i'm doing stuff with dd, rather than him doing something that costs money.

They said he gets fed up of his computers after 5 minutes so this wouldn't work.

I suggested i could buy a multipack of capri suns and take some out with me each evening for him rather than buy expensive drinks. They said he will prefer drinks that come fresh from the bar.

They were completely apologetic throughout all of this, stating they were fully aware he was a 'spoiled wee shit' as they so eloquently put it. My SIL says she's just spent over £600 on buying him new clothes for this holiday (almost twice the cost of the actual holiday!) and that she'd had to practically force him to murmur a thank you to her.

I was appalled. I said 'Well in future take him to the likes of Primark."

Then she looked appalled (snobby). "Oh no, he'd not have that. It's all got to be brand name with him."

It wasn't really my place to say, but i said it anyway. "If you want him to stop acting so precious, stop throwing money at him every two minutes."

They said they know it's their own fault, but he's gotten too used to it now, he doesn't know any different.

They left saying that if he plays up - which they anticipate - then they'll bring him home right away.

Now, i've had my nephew stay overnight before - so this week away is a big leap.

Yes, he is indeed a spoiled wee shit. But i don't stand for it when he;s here (which is probably why he hates staying with me!). E.g. the other week, i took him to the cinema and a cafe for a belated birthday treat.

Cost me a bloody fortune. Not one single thank you.

he complained the film was rubbish.

He choose the most expensive pizza on the menu (£20!) then decided he didn't like it. And went in a huff when i refused to buy him the second most expensive item on the menu. So he got landed with a basket of chips. Then all the way home he complained that his mum had bought him a crappy tablet instead of an ipad for his birthday. (They went out the next week and bought him an ipad - the tablet is now in the drawer).

I'm probably coming across as a total bitch here. But i just don't understand. If you know your child is a spoiled brat - why would you just put up with it? Why why why?

Anyway, i thanked them for the money, but handed them back the £400 they'd tried to give me and dd. I then reluctantly took the £500 for my nephew, but assured them he'd be coming home with a lot of change. The blimmin holiday only cost £400!

I love my nephew. I do. And i'm not dreading the week away with him. He'll be good company for me and dd. I'm sort of hoping to drum into him next week that it's possible to have fun without spending a heap of cash.

Wow what a rant! I started this at 4.30 - dinner's a-cinder!

God he sounds a nightmare. And I do have an 11 year old who can be a complete Kevin at times but he'd be banned from all screens and in his bedroom with a book if he behaved like this.

I would stick to two clear choices. eg 'Beach or youth group'.

Is there a surf school or something near by? You could send him off for a 2 hour lesson or even full day holiday club (he'd find some mates then as well) and spend the day on the beach with dd.

Actually I had an issue with ds2 (11 year old occasional Kevin) last November where he needed to join in surfing with ds1 (severely disabled) and ds3 (who loves surfing but is would copy ds2). Ds2 thinks he hates surfing so had a sulk on. I could see the whole day being dreadful and ruined by ds2's sulk - and I did understand that he was only having to do it because of ds1 and that can be annoying, but still, tough luck. I took him aside and said 'look matey boy, we're all going in the water, I don't care whether you do or not - you can join us, or you can stay on the beach and play football, or you can sit and watch, I don't care. But if you do whatever you choose with a smile on your face I will give you fiver. I know you don't like surfing & I know we are doing this for ds1 so I am paying you to be cheerful'. Anyway he came along, joined in and was so busy smiling to get his five quid he ended up having a fabulous time, genuinely enjoyed himself & said it was 'the best surf ever when can we go again?' :hmm:

Could you do something similar but reward with a certain amount of money/time in arcades if he manages to be cheerful

I think it's a bit unfair to pander to DD all the time. You took him along knowing he was a bit spoilt at home and that, at 12, he wouldn't want to spend his time hanging out with his 5 year old cousin.

If DD wants to play snap, play snap with her for 20 minutes and then play something with him for 20 minutes while she colours or plays with her toys. Find something for him to do while DD is at Kids Club - can you not leave her there and do something more "adult" for him for a couple of mornings? I wouldn't have wanted to do loads of organised activities at 12 either, it's still one of my worst nightmares now!

He can't go on arcades/eat out/buy burgers unless you give him money to do so, so I think you need to find activities you'll all enjoy - yes, they might not be in the holiday camp, but it's only fair that you include him - you did invite him and he deserves to be treated the same as DD is treated. Can't you ALL go swimming together or on the Go Karts as a family, or to the beach for a BBQ? I don't see why everything has to be seperated into DD time and DN time

Have you tried ignoring him? he might want to join in but feels it would be losing face so if you ignore him, have fun, he might reluctantly join the fun too.

Bloody hell, I wouldn't put up with this. I certainly wouldn't give in to his demands for cash, £40 on an arcade game?! Thats almost a days pay in a minimum wage job!!

I would have all 3 of you out doing family activities, swimming,cycling or going to the beach. if he's an only child it'll be something new for him. If you really cant do that, I would pack him off to the youth club to make some new friends.

No way would I give him more than £5 a day. I'm an adult who went away for a week and spent less than hes been given with meals, alcoholic drinks and good activities included.

That kid is going to grow up with all sorts of money issues. He must have no clue of the value of things, how long it takes to earn £500 for most people etc. Not his fault of course...the idiot parents.

Even the nicest 12 year old boy might struggle with a holiday like this tbh. Not all kids are extrovert joiner-inners, and nor is that a bad thing. 5 and 12 is a huge gap and he might feel awkward. Neither me or DD is sporty or like activities, though you're not sure what he actually does like (except whinging and gambling). DD was a lovely 12 year old but even she would have done a bunk if every day she HAD to pick between 'swimming or archery', or 'make friends' with other kids. She would have happily gone down the beach and chilled by herself though, or gone for a walk taking pictures.

Can you not try and make him come to a decision about something he wants to do? Not including the 5 year old? Maybe go-karts? Quad biking? Maybe with something like swimming he's a bit self conscious? Go down to the beach for a BBQ?

I'm torn with this. On one hand I think maybe talking to him in a more 'adult' way may gain his respect a bit more, on the other I think that you shouldn't pander to him too much, he clearly is being a pain.

I understand your intentions are good, but it was a bad idea bringing him on this. He isn't going to enjoy it and unfortunately, you cannot MAKE someone have fun. He sounds like he has issues as well, wanting £40 for one game really is something to be concerned about.

We are quite lucky, my nephew adores my kids. He would spend all his time having fun with them and would be happy to play a silly game if snap. Dancing would be pushing it though! However it is fair that your DD has the opportunity to dance for a short time even if he does not. Maybe a cards compromise would be to let both children choose a card game. Little one chose snap and older one can choose a different card game. Maybe you could use the time to bond more with nephew. Poor chap his parents have given the boy so many issues.

Are you expecting nephew just to take off and go swimming or bowling on his own? The whole place is new to him and can seem quite scary. it might be nice to actually go with him bowling and in the swimming. Once he knows the place, he might happily take himself off. You need to help him have opportunities to make a holiday friend.

Hello.apologies in advance for my terrible typing on this phone...

No, just to clarify, when I suggested bowling and swimming etc I meant as a trio. Certainly not on his own. That would be horrible.

I only wanted him to occupy himself briefly while dd was at kids club for a half hour. Or when she wanted to dance for 5 mins.

Anyway. Since 'the talk' nothing has improved really. he seems to be totally lacking in empathy. Instead of grinning and bearing it, I've been pulling him up on things now.

E.g last night there was a show on and afterwards I said "yey. Im so happy weve done something that I really wanted to do." He then said "lucky you. I wonder when we're going to do something I want to do".

i listed every single thing hes had since arriving on sat, and he just shrugged.

So far hes done archery three times, wall climbing, shooting, fencing, kayaking, laser quest all mutiple times. These were all things he specifically showed an interest in so I booked with his spending money. Not things I forced him to do. While doing these things I had to stay nearby. Dd was too young for them so we sat patiently and watched. And he seemed to really love each thing at the time.

Yet when its dds turn for similar things, he huffs and moans if he has to wait on her. Yet wont go off to the arcades without me. And apparently his ipad is boring. So its on these occasions id like him to find something to do alone because he doesnt want to sit and wait. And dd has only done a few things and they only run for half the time nephews runs.

Hes not been impressed with having to chip in with the housework.the first time I asked him to do the breakfast dishes... you should have seen his face. "I don't know how". So I calmly showed him. Then he spent 20mins washing his and dds spoons and bowls huffing and puffing. Bear in mind each day I give him the choice of lunch or breakfast dishes. I always do the other plus everything bloody else. Dd washes the table each time and helps me sweep each day. Anyway every day he says "I dont know how" again when asked to dishes think he expects me to say oh never mind ill just do it. No chance.

Ive taken them to the beach and he said he doesnt want to get sand on his socks. So I just smiled and said fine. Left him sitting on a bench then took dd for a paddle. After 20m nephew came over, shoes and socks off, and joined in helping dd find sea animals in her net.

THat seemed to be a turning point. Ive just decided to ignore his huffs and carry on with what we had planned and agreed upon. Whether or not he wants to join in is up to him.

Apparently his parents have went to visit friends til friday so theres no one to send him home to even if I wanted to.

Ive asked him a few times if hes happy and he assures me he is.

He has said with a big grin hes just a negative person.

"He has said with a big grin hes just a negative person"

I find that sentence remarkably sad from such a young man :(

I hope things have turned a corner & you all can enjoy the rest of the holiday xx

Ive taken them to the beach and he said he doesnt want to get sand on his socks. So I just smiled and said fine. Left him sitting on a bench then took dd for a paddle. After 20m nephew came over, shoes and socks off, and joined in helping dd find sea animals in her net.

There! That was brilliant! Exactly the right course of action.

He does sound unhappy. Sometimes you wish you had a magic wand eh?

I think you're handling this really well actually.

He can probably see by now that if he doesn't join in, he's going to have a crappy time. By the sounds of it he does deep down enjoy these activities too which is great, a holiday like this might be good for him.

Trouble is, at the end of the week, he'll be returned to the useless mum and dad and revert back to how he was. Is there anything that could be done to help him a bit more maybe? 12 is young still, I think things could be rectified. I don't know what though.

I actually feel sorry for him. His parents obviously think throwing money at him is the solution and it clearly isn't.

You have the patience of a saint and hopefully things will turn around

This has GOT to be nipped in the bud NOW, or it could manifest itself in much worse behaviour later on. Get some kind of boot camp marine guy in or something. Go on telly. This is extreme!!

He's telling you how he feels at the time - typical 12 yr old doing some things he doesn't want to. But you've seen him enjoy things. You've found the way to handle him. Well done. Now you know what to do, perhaps you can relax a bit and laugh a bit more with him. Gently tease him?

It sounds as if he will look back on this holiday with happy memories.

Maybe talk about being cruel to be kind. How making him help etc is teaching him how to be a responsible independant youth. The negative person comment shows he does have some insight. Can you talk to him in a bit more of a grown up way? Can you give him some extra responsibilities he may enjoy? Would you trust him to take DD to the camp shop on an errand for you, for example? Could you ask him to do you a favour and use his imagination to occupy DD for a few minutes while you do something? Don't push the favours, if he won't but be appreciative if he does anything first time or without moaning.

You've set the boundaries now stick to them and enjoy the rest of the holiday.

Does he enjoy reading? Or is that a silly question? If he had a good book he could surely pass the time with that while waiting for something your DD is doing.

Any rock pools to search with the net? I still find them fascinating. Or building dams - that's good fun on a beach.

Oh and I meant to say well done. It sounds like you are coping really well under difficult circumstances.

How did today go OP, any easier?

AAaaaaaarrrrgggghhhhhhh! I am sitting here trying hard to stay calm. Apologies again for my horrendous phone typing skills.

He is the most miserable and insufferable 12yo baby I've ever met. And yes now I certainly do sound like a bitch. Today has been the worst.

Last day of the holiday so Ive taken them both on a day trip to a farm pArk. I asked if he would rather stay in the caravan and he assured me he wanted to come.

SInce we arrived hes...

PUshed dd down a giant tyre slide because she was too Slow. My dd has sen and gets confused with instructions a lot. This resulted in a quick visit to first aid. Nephew stands by what he did and wont apologise.

He yelled at me for buying the wrong juice from the kiosk. After a week I should know by now what he likes apparently.

He started rattling a fence at the animals to scare them and thought this was hilarious.

He told me he was hungry so I said wait till dd has finished feeding the animals (nephew didnt want to because theyre disgusting) then we will go for our picnic. Dd was 'taking too long' so he grabbed the bag of food and tipped it on the ground.

At lunch nephew refused to wash his hands. I said hes not eating until he does. He then grabbed our lunch bag and threatened to throw it in the bin unless I let him eat too. Everyone was looking and nephew was laughing his head off. Seems daft but I nearly Started crying.

Dd went off to play in the park while I had my sandwich. I told nephew to go explore or go in the older kids teenage section or go on the quads. He said no. I said why dont you take the caravan key. Ill call a taxi and you can go back. He said no. So he sat at the table with me huffing and sighing. then he started kicking the fence next to us despite me telling him 6 times to pack it in. I would have physically tried but hes built more like a 16yo than 12. Hes 5ft 9!

Yes hes a reader. He bought 3 bks in town the other day in town but had apparently read them all that night.

HIs parents havent called once to check on him. But hes home tomorrow. So im sure I can do another night without calling them up.

Worst and most stressful 'holiday' ever.

Oh God! Until your latest post I was beginning to think you might be winning him round - what with joining in the paddling and so on. But on today's account he sounds like a thoroughly obnoxious brat.

You sound admirably calm considering. I don't think I could have done so well. I would have lost my rag by now and yelled at him to start acting his age or worse.

Will you say anything to his parent's when he goes home? Being spoilt materially is bad enough but his behaviour today sounds utterly vile.

Not long to go. Poor you!

I don't5 know if ill tell them what hes been like.

THey did warn me in advance but I just underestimated how bad he really is. He just wants to break things all the time. Hes constantly rattling fences or walls. He said its because hes bored.

Dont want to hurt brothers and sils feelings by slating their son. When they ask how hes been I think ill just give a very forced and unconvincing "hes been fine" then consider this a lesson learned.

Honestly think our aunt nephew relationship is ruined now. The thought of even taking him out for an afternoon ever again fills me with dread.

I suspect while it might be wearing, he will get a lot from this week away. It may not last when he gets home and back to the parents but it may stick in his head for the future