If you're aware your child is a spoiled brat - you should do something about it! AIBU?

[WhistlingNun]

I've just had the most frustrating conversation with my brother and Sil.

I'm taking my nephew - their 12yo son - away to a caravan holiday next week with me and 5yo dd.

Brother and SIL have just popped in for a quick visit, during which they tried to hand me £500! They said it was his spending money.

Then they tried to give my dd £300 and £100 for myself. I explained that no child would need that amount of spending money for a week at Haven. Most of the entertainment is included, but he might need a wee bit of spending money if he wanted to do extra activities such as climbing wall etc. But only £50 maximum.

I also said that i was only planning on eating out maybe 2 nights out of 7 (self catering) but i'm happy to cover the cost of his meals.

Well, they quite candidly said that my nephew is very fussy and would probably want a burger every night.

They said that i would find my hand constantly in my pocket to keep him happy.

He'd constantly be asking for money for the arcades.

He'll be moody and complaining if i don't give him money to occupy himself while i'm doing things with dd like the kids club.

He;ll be wanting drinks every two minutes.

I tried to assure them that i had a cheaper plan.

I'd buy him in nice quick foods or micro burgers to eat at the caravan. I didn't want my daughter eating out 7 nights and it wouldn't be fair to let him run into burger king every evening when my daughter's having to eat 'boring normal' food in the caravan.

They said he wouldn't put up with this and would go in a mood and probably not eat anything i made.

I said we can all spend a certain amount of time (maybe an hour) going around the arcades, and I'd ration him to £5-£10 per day.

They said he wouldn't be happy about this. He could quite easily spend an entire day at the arcades spending £100 each time. (They suggested i ration his arcade money to £25 a day).

I said he can take one of his portable computers to play (he has an ipad, psp, wiiU and a frigging 3DS) while i'm doing stuff with dd, rather than him doing something that costs money.

They said he gets fed up of his computers after 5 minutes so this wouldn't work.

I suggested i could buy a multipack of capri suns and take some out with me each evening for him rather than buy expensive drinks. They said he will prefer drinks that come fresh from the bar.

They were completely apologetic throughout all of this, stating they were fully aware he was a 'spoiled wee shit' as they so eloquently put it. My SIL says she's just spent over £600 on buying him new clothes for this holiday (almost twice the cost of the actual holiday!) and that she'd had to practically force him to murmur a thank you to her.

I was appalled. I said 'Well in future take him to the likes of Primark."

Then she looked appalled (snobby). "Oh no, he'd not have that. It's all got to be brand name with him."

It wasn't really my place to say, but i said it anyway. "If you want him to stop acting so precious, stop throwing money at him every two minutes."

They said they know it's their own fault, but he's gotten too used to it now, he doesn't know any different.

They left saying that if he plays up - which they anticipate - then they'll bring him home right away.

Now, i've had my nephew stay overnight before - so this week away is a big leap.

Yes, he is indeed a spoiled wee shit. But i don't stand for it when he;s here (which is probably why he hates staying with me!). E.g. the other week, i took him to the cinema and a cafe for a belated birthday treat.

Cost me a bloody fortune. Not one single thank you.

he complained the film was rubbish.

He choose the most expensive pizza on the menu (£20!) then decided he didn't like it. And went in a huff when i refused to buy him the second most expensive item on the menu. So he got landed with a basket of chips. Then all the way home he complained that his mum had bought him a crappy tablet instead of an ipad for his birthday. (They went out the next week and bought him an ipad - the tablet is now in the drawer).

I'm probably coming across as a total bitch here. But i just don't understand. If you know your child is a spoiled brat - why would you just put up with it? Why why why?

Anyway, i thanked them for the money, but handed them back the £400 they'd tried to give me and dd. I then reluctantly took the £500 for my nephew, but assured them he'd be coming home with a lot of change. The blimmin holiday only cost £400!

I love my nephew. I do. And i'm not dreading the week away with him. He'll be good company for me and dd. I'm sort of hoping to drum into him next week that it's possible to have fun without spending a heap of cash.

Wow what a rant! I started this at 4.30 - dinner's a-cinder!

[minouminou]

Some things to ponder, OP. I know you said your bro and SIL work part-time and from home.....this might be part of the problem. Does your brother actually switch off from work when he's home? At evenings, weekends?

He does sound starved of attention, and the money they're flinging at him is a substitute.

I'm self-employed and work from home most of the time, and I have always tried to clearly delineate work and family time (don't always MANAGE it, but there you go). Thankfully, as a copywriter rather than builder, I have the advantage of being able to make the odd call to a fluffy civil servant or fellow writer with one or both child present without looking unprofessional....

I'm also quite worried about the gambling. At 12 he should be able to think about his cousin's needs and accommodate them.

Some friends went on a similar holiday with younger cousins and so forth. Their teenage son had (still has) ADD and at that time of his life was a right handful.
He actually came up with a system himself....he'd thought about it, and told the grown-ups that he'd take his two cousins to the kids' disco every evening for an hour or whatever, in return for staying up an extra hour with the adults when the girls had gone to bed.

This worked really well (this boy is now 25 and a thoroughly decent young man). The reason I'm going on about this is that maybe OP could get something like this going. Not the disco.....can't see that working, but something similar.

[pictish]

I too am wondering why you invited him along in the first place?
Not in a critical way...just curious as to what your motivation was...what you were hoping you/he/your dd would get out of him being there?

[Pimpf]

I would be telling him very firmly that he has a choice to make. He can either buck up his ideas and have a great fun holiday or he can be a miserable arse and have a shit time, it's up to him. Let him know that you will not put up with his sulking and demands and stick to your guns.

So what that he knows about the £500, doesn't mean you have to spend it. You are the adult here, take some of your own advice and don't pander to him

[Bluebell99]

I think the age gap between the two children is making this difficult. If you had a nephew or niece who enjoyed looking after and playing with younger cousins, it would be great, but this boy doesn't sound like that kind of child. If they were closer in age, they would be company for each other. Thing is, you don't want your holiday to be spoiled. I would have a chat with him, and get your brother to come and pick him up if things don't get better. My sister took her teens, 15 and 13 at the time, to a caravan park and her 15 year old was a nightmare. The 13 year old was fine as he spent his time at the pool. But they didnt want to do any outings with her. Don't ruin your holiday though.

[Hissy]

I agree with Pimpf.

If he sulks, there's no cash.

I agree he sounds very sad, his parents are throwing money at him cos they're not engaging with him.

I'd not allow my child to witness the idiocy of gambling either tbh. Slot machines are cash stealing machines. Wouldn't he prefer a 500 quid wardrobe or something?

[Cherriesarelovely]

God, that's so sad. How depressing and ultimately unfulfilling his future will be if he is allowed to continue demanding stuff and behaving like that. It is literally "spoiling" a child isn't it? A child who could be lovely, thoughtful and appreciative but has been ruined. I couldn't cope with that attitude on weeks holiday but applaud you for trying. We used to have friends with Dcs a bit like this. After years of witnessing their appalling behaviour we finally snapped after terrible spoilt tantrums at Dds party and constant demands on a day out. We dared to broach it with their parents who went ballistic and never spoke to us again. If I'm really honest it was a relief. It's different with family though, Iwish you the best of luck.

[nennypops]

Why are they so bothered about him going into a sulk? He hurts no-one but himself. I'd point that out to him and leave him to it. He'd realise eventually that it's actually more fun to be a reasonable human being.

[KatyTheCleaningLady]

Why can't you just leave him to sulk? Suggest things to do, then leave it alone.

And ignore the huffs and scowls. Don't ask him if his chicken is nice. It's not your problem.

[froggies]

I am near the end of a weeks holiday with my kids (DD's 4 & 7) DS 16. We went to a caravan park, and DS struggled a bit as there was not a lot scheduled for teens and he doesn't like swimming due to the acne on his back, our funds are limited, and he has generally amused himself with his Xbox (only allowed him to bring it as his friend who was supposed to be coming with us could only come for the latter part of the week), reading he has done abit of the cooking, and he did come on the farm visit with us. Once his friend arrived he perked up a lot and the two of them have been off playing tennis, wandering around and generally just hanging out, we went to the nearby town and I payed for a couple of games of lazier quest for them while I took DD's to the park.

I think what I am trying to say is that it is difficult when you have children with a large age gap, is there anything he wants to do that he might make a friend at, as then he is more likely to want to join in with other things with a friend rather than on his own?

I am not making excuses for the way in which he is behaving, sulking and stropping are not on but it is easy to see how you get in the situation where you say yes to everything. DD's dad gave them £20 each for our week, Dd2 has spent all of hers and wanted a toy in town, screamed blue murder when I said no because she had no money left. Dd1 told me I should get it for her as then she would stop crying as that is what dad does. Hmmm. The answer was still no. Dd1 then told dd2 that she should do some jobs at home and save up for the toy, or ask for it for her birthday. She still wailed but was very proud of dd1. The wailing stopped eventually. It would have been so much easier for me (and everyone else in earshot) if I had said yes, but there has to be a line somewhere, even on holiday.

[BarbarianMum]

Actually, you can. You are the adult. You can keep hold of it, then hand it back to his parents at the end of the week.

I feel really sorry for this kid. Very few people would be kind, polite and generous without some guidance along the way.

[xylem8]

I really don't know what you expected of this holiday.Did you really think a 12 yo boy and his 5 yo girl which would be much company for one another?

[Dubjackeen]

He may be a bit nervous about going to activities on his own, so maybe try a compromise-he comes along and watches at the activities your daughter wants, and vice versa.

[BigBoobiedBertha]

I'd ditch the activities. It is all a bit contrived and if you aren't the joining in type, you aren't the joining in type, spoilt by your parents or not. It would be hellish for me as a child, and I wasn't spoilt, quite the contrary.

Hit the beach. Get him to take a game or a book (does he read?) or a comic. Go and chill for an hour or 2. If he gets edgy and starts complaining, send him for an ice cream or a drink - cheaper than an arcade! He is 12, he should be able to do that easily and if he can't, then perhaps you could give him some encouragement. Building his confidence to do things alone might be the one thing you can do to help him. 'Unspoiling' him is an uphill struggle and I don't think you will achieve that.

Other than that, you are just going to have to ignore as much of the 'moody teenager' thing as possible and just stop trying to keep him happy. Offer once and then leave it. Eventually he will either join in somewhere or he will stay moody and you can leave him somewhere and do things with your DD. I wouldn't be checking on him every 5 minutes either.

I hope things get easier though.

[SacreBlue]

I really cannot understand why you invited him. You knew you disapproved of his behaviour, you surely must have known that he and your DD would have had different interests and you knew in advance you would feel wound up and stressed.

Now you are still disapproving of his behaviour, annoyed that there is nothing for them to do together (sorry have these holiday places suddenly stopped having websites and brochures that you could have checked before going?) and you are stressed and probably getting increasingly irritated - no doubt both kids are able to pick up on that.

I can't think of why you would have done this to all of you?

Where you are at now is damage limitation - I would try and have a chat with the kids about how to make the best of a bad job for the remaining holiday.

This is why I do not invite kids/adults that I or my DS do not get on with (for long periods of time - being polite for a short while is reasonable imo) for a brief period he had a friend I really didn't like and we limited his visits to sunny days when they would be mostly out in the garden/park. Likewise I had a friend he really didn't like and mostly we arranged to meet during school times.

Noone can be expected to get on with everyone all the time. Being forced into close quarters over an extended period with someone whose behaviour or mannerisms irritate you would be horrible for most people. You chose to invite him (unless his DP where really offering you the money to ensure you did take him) and I think it is up to you to make the effort to make it as painless as it can be.

I do wish you good luck in doing so and hope you can find a compromise to salvage the rest of the holiday for all of you.

[exoticfruits]

I would take BigBoobiedBertha's advice- sounds the best in the circumstances.

[LaVitaBellissima]

Good luck, I hope you've brought some wine along!

[exoticfruits]

Any improvement?

[ovenbun]

Wow this boy is very lucky to have you in his life, somebody who gives hime safe boundaries and a firm approach....It is sad that at 12 years old yor brother and sister think it is too late to change things....do they secretly like having a prince to look after? I have seen people foster these behaviours in their children and something about it really doesn't sit right with me...The thing is what kind of adult would they like him to be?

I unfortunately have watched a friend who was treated similarly to this boy grow up...he is a complete tyrant, if his wife cooks him dinner and he feels moody he will tip it straight into the bin, he treats most people in his life appalingly, for example had a massive huge strop on day at me that women get more maternity leave than men...we should have to go back in two weeks apparently, i explained that it takes a few weeks for your body to recover, and if you want to breast feed its hard to go back to work within a fortnight..he just couldnt bear it that his wife got something that he didnt. he regulary storms out or offers big ultimatums to his family if he doesnt get exactly his way,.goes on holiday with his mates leaving wife n children at home because they cant all afford to go...he keeps jobs for two minutes and hands his notice at the drop of hat...never works his notice...and resents others if good things happen to them...its like the empathy and enjoyment of life was spoilt out of him...dont let your nephew go the same way...I wonder if there are some good parenting or self help books around this topic? Anyone know any that could help the parents...a little nero child may be quite fun to indulge but an emperor of an adult will be a complete nightmare....

YADDDDDDDNBU xxx

[ImTooHecsyForYourParty]

I think you're off your bloody rocker!

Please don't pander to him.

[ovenbun]

ooh just saw your post since being on holiday....I think like some others said how about a day at the beach that is something they both can enjoy..perhaps a day at some kind of adventure park ?.maybe have a couple of afternoons that he chooses what to do, for example racing you on a few games in the arcade..and some afternoons dd chooses what to do..he must feel a bit of a spare part...sometimes helipng people find their altruism is good...you could ask him if he can help you plan an activity everyone can enjoy? rather than asking him to keep himself busy while you and dd have time together..
I think modelling the right behaviour helps to...talk about how much you are enjoying your meal..dont ask him about his he doesnt know how to say something nice about it ...it isnt his fault that he has been raised to get attention from being ungrateful..

[5Foot5]

How is it going OP?
With any luck this nice weather will mean you can spend lots of time outdoors and he won't want to be inside hot, stuffy slot machine places.

How about getting a disposable BBQ and having a cook out on the beach. At 12 he would be old enough to help cook and might forget to be such a picky little monster!

[formicadinosaur]

I recon that you need to tell him the ground rules on the way there and then give him a few days to acclimatise. You could even talk to him about the problem and get him to see it from a different perspective

[shewhowines]

I think you need to play cards at his age level too sometimes. DD needs to be patient while you do things for him and vice versa. He needs to see the taking in turns and fair aspect. You can't always include her.