Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So upset - Gingerism

159 replies

Ham69 · 01/07/2013 22:28

One of my 'friends' had had a couple of drinks the other night and started talking about her neighbours. She's very well educated and her husband is a carpenter and drives a white van. Nothing at all wrong with that and he earns a good honest living, but I get the impression she has a complex about it. She was talking to a very good friend of mine the other night and made a comment about her neighbours being a bit snooty and not talking to her because her husband has a white van. She went on to say that they have no right whatsoever to feel like this because they have ginger children. I can't get over how much this has affected me. Her son is in my son's class and regularly comes back for playdates. My DS (biased, obviously) is a very handsome, bright and sporty 6 year old who happens to have gorgeous 'ginger' hair.
Her statement confirms my fears that he will have this prejudice all his life and may well have a terrible time at school. If intelligent parents can speak like this, what chance do their children have? They will pick up on this and think 'gingers' deserve to be singled out, bullied, etc. It makes me feel so sick and worried for my lovely innocent DS.
Sorry for rant, needed to get it off my chest.

OP posts:
Cherriesarelovely · 01/07/2013 22:58

Such an idiotic prejudice!!! I am similarly outraged when people say things like this. Red hair is so beautiful. We've just spent a week hosting American friends whose kids have the most stunning bright ginger hair (their Dds hair looks almost pink!). They look so lovely and are used to being complemented on their colouring in the States. I think red/ginger hair is absolutely gorgeous.

SisterMatic · 01/07/2013 23:02

Yep Worra.

Cherriesarelovely · 01/07/2013 23:02

Or maybe people really do think it looks wonderful Worra! Agreed it is "just a hair colour" but I'm sure parents and red headed children alike would like to know that the way they look is admired rather as a positive thing rather than something negative. I for one am not being false at all.

Original poster
Ham69 · 01/07/2013 23:03

I agree the white van generalisation is absolutely ridiculous.
My DH seems to think it's her attitude rather than the white van that makes her neighbours avoid her. I am beginning to agree.
I guess if it all gets too much for my ginger children, we can emigrate to the US! I do feel so much better after ranting though, thank you all. Someone could insult me as much as they liked, but vile comments about your kids really break your heart.

OP posts:
laughinggravy · 01/07/2013 23:03

I love red hair. DH has red hair. Expected DCs to have red hair, but they don't.

DH niece with stunning red hair dyes it brown because of comments at school Sad

DHs cousin used to dye her red hair blonde but has let it grow red again Smile

I dye my hair red Grin

LegoAcupuncture · 01/07/2013 23:06

As a parent of two children with ginger hair, this is one of my pet hates. My children are beautiful, their hair colour is gorgeous. I've heard some awful comments said about their hair colour, it makes me very stabby.

WorraLiberty · 01/07/2013 23:08

And true to form I've crossed posted with people who have declared that they 'Love gingers!', think 'Gingers are the best' and someone else who is 'madly envious of all gingers'.

Do you see what I mean?

I as an adult understand where you're all coming from...but children are smart and they won't believe the 'gushing' over a hair colour.

No-one gushes over brunettes or blondes. No-one declares themselves 'disappointed' or 'angry' that their child wasn't born brunette or blonde.

So why the over reaction about ginger/red hair?

Personally I think it would be better to teach all children that looks are a matter of personal taste, and that they should avoid anyone...child or adult who puts such importance upon hair colour, rather than the people themselves.

Solari · 01/07/2013 23:08

I do think perhaps threads like this can come across that way because you're basically getting a skewed sample of people who post because they do have something positive to say.

In real life, if everyone came up to your child in a group, fawning over their hair or skin colour, it probably would seem quite odd (overly keen perhaps).

But I'd be willing to bet that on a thread like this, anyone who doesn't particularly like the physical characteristic in question will quietly read and move on, leaving those who do have something genuinely positive to say to post, leading to a somewhat disproportionate (and suspicious-looking) number of posts saying how much they love it.

I don't think it means they're not genuine, just over-represented as a sample in this setting. Smile

Having said that, it does make me a little uncomfortable myself when people gush over my child's complexion or ruffle his hair while remarking on how unique it is. Only because, whether they like it or hate it, I'd rather it be de-emphasised (as it is just a physical characteristic after all), rather than the main thing they notice.

WorraLiberty · 01/07/2013 23:13

Cherriesarelovely I've no doubt some people do obviously think it's a nice hair colour.

But why the simpering? Why the over stating about how wonderful it is and how 'gutted' so many posters were to find their child's hair changed colour?

How shallow can you get to be so gutted by such and unimportant issue?

Again, I have never seen such simpering about any other colour hair other than ginger/red.

Imo the gushing simpering people, are almost as bad as the people who draw negative attention to it.

It is after all nothing more than a hair colour.

TigOldBitties · 01/07/2013 23:20

Agree so much with Worra. Its just hair, making such a big deal about how amazing it is can be equally stigmatising as negativity.

One of my brothers in ginger, I don't have a prejudice to it, but we rip the piss out of him for it, he rips the piss out of me for other nonsense, the same with all my siblings.

We always make jokes about how he's terrified he will have ginger children and he might say something about my DC being mixed race (DH is black), its just joking about.

I think your friend might have assumed you would know she doesn't really mean it because she's friends with your kids.

LilacPeony · 01/07/2013 23:20

What an odd thing for your friend to say. A mum at school had a baby and another mum twice came over to me and chortled away as she told me that the mum was worried the baby was going to be ginger. My dd who she knows well has red hair and a mum was standing nearby with her son with red hair. Confused I know exactly what you mean about what hope is there for the children when the parents pass on attitudes like this.

NotYoMomma · 01/07/2013 23:28

I love red hair, but DH is very prone to gaffes and joking on and not realising what the fuck he is saying he is much better now though I pull him up

He was chatting to tge midwife when I was in Labour and they were talking about medical history and he said:

'this one (meaning me) is adopted so no history... Who knows what this baby will look like, it could even be Ginger*

I was :o 'DH you fucking arsehole.'

The midwife he was talking to was ginger!!!!

His excuse was that it was just something funny that people say and he was making fun of a common stereotype. I was all 'the midwife doesnt know that you fucking twat!'

NotYoMomma · 01/07/2013 23:30

That grin was supposed to be a shocked face btw.

He has never said anything 'jokey' again. We both have family members with red hair and even dd does have a hint of strawberry.

I still rage about it.

jeanvaljean · 01/07/2013 23:37

If you do pull her up on it, I would bet all the tea in china that she comes out with the classic "Oh but your DS isn't really ginger! He's more strawberry blonde!" I have had this more times than I can count. And they really don't realise that it's compounding the insult.

Wallison · 01/07/2013 23:41

WorraLiberty, in my case my family has a lot of red hair in it and I always thought it was quite a special thing that I had the ginger gene somewhere in my genetic make-up as a result, and still do feel a bit weird that I had a kid with someone whose genes wouldn't carry that on, so my part of the genetic tradition would just die out. So when I say I would love it if my ds had been a red-head, I really do mean it.

OP, I think ignoring or as someone else suggested incredulous challenge is the way to go. And she obviously can't be that intelligent if she comes out with crap like that.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 01/07/2013 23:44

Would she mind if you painted her "White van" orange? Grin I can't see the relevance of the van being white!

aquashiv · 01/07/2013 23:48

Its pure red hair envy. A bit like saying gosh I am sick to death of being so pretty surely?
Besides its a known fact we are the master race.

Boomba · 01/07/2013 23:56

really?????

isnt it just like blonde jokes? really tedious, but do you take any notice?

thebody · 02/07/2013 00:21

I don't see red hair as any better than other colours as worra says.

I grant you there's this ginger joke at the moment and not sure even where it comes from, sure it's quite recent really as don't remember it being an issue back in the day.

Why would you yearn for ginger/ black/ blond kids? You get what you get and anyway girls usually due their hair all colours. I have done over the years.

She sounds a prat op but not entirely sure where 'white can man' comes into this.

Also some if the 'most educated' people I know are racist and sexist.

Tabliope · 02/07/2013 08:42

I don't understand why you didn't immediately say to her with a stern/perplexed look on your face - my children have red hair, what on earth are you on about? It would have put her on the spot and compelled her to apologise, and make her think twice hopefully about putting her foot in her mouth. Maybe she took you unawares but I'm so surprised that people don't stick up for themselves on MN in the face of complete rudeness, almost as if they're scared of being considered rude themselves. A lot of people need to learn to be more assertive. She's insulted your kids - how could that not make you bite back?! Get an answer ready in your head for the next time you hear it. Your self esteem will increase by not putting up with this crap. BTW, I love red hair and have lots of it in the family even though it skipped my branch.

WorraLiberty · 02/07/2013 09:03

I agree Tabliope

I wonder if it's because so many people are used to texting/emailing people when they want to say something awkward?

Perhaps they've forgotten how to respond to these little things face to face?

valiumredhead · 02/07/2013 09:09

Perhaps there's an 'over reaction' to red hair as there are STILL people who say God awful things to people who happen to have red hair.

Horrible :(

MamaChubbyLegs · 02/07/2013 09:13

I've got a beautiful little ginger boy. He was a complete surprise! For some reason, I thought I couldn't make gingers because I'm sallow Grin

A lot of people say "Oh, he's not a REAL ginger". Well, his hair is orange, so what is it then? I feel like saying "ginger isn't a dirty word, you know!" What is a "real ginger", and what is wrong with that??

I would ask her if she looks down on your child too, make her feel uncomfortable.

Original poster
Ham69 · 02/07/2013 09:13

Thank you all for your comments. I do feel reassured by such positive replies.
Tapliope, I agree I would absolutely not have taken those comments from her and made her feel, quite rightly, dreadful. I was only told about her comments by a friend yesterday morning who felt she had to tell me. I wish she hadn't as I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach all day. I said in an earlier post that I am thinking about approaching her about it as I don't think her hurtful views should be tolerated or rubbed off on her own children. I'm still so mad! I appreciate i'm possibly being over sensitive.

OP posts:
pudcat · 02/07/2013 09:15

I have red/ginger hair and am now quite old. I can remember being teased at school, being called carrot top, ginger nut etc. The term ginger minger was not in use then. I used to tell them that this shade of red could not be found in a bottle, no matter how hard you tried. Unfortunately my granddaughter has dyed her beautiful red hair because she cannot stand the bullying. So sad.