Man in Sainsbury's cafe-was I out of order?

[Beatrixpotty]

Took 3 DCs (2,3 & baby) on my own to Sainsburys,3 year old was hungry after swimming so decided to go to cafe first.
Was getting the lunch when 3yr old DS went to man in queue with a croissant on his tray and pointed to it & toched it saying "I want one of those."Big fuss,man said don't want that,boy touched it etc,lady on till sympathetic and said of course,no problem,I'll get another one etc.

Meanwhile I was furious with DS,he knows not to touch in cafes & shops,and I td him off,made him come and stand with me,hold my hand(which he hates) and wait quietly.I also made him go and apologise to the man,which he did.
The man did not even acknowledge him though and said loudly to me "Just control your children!"
I was very offended.I was upset he had not accepted the apology from DS.He was none the worse off as he had a new croissant.
The cashier said to me "Sorry about that rude man" afterwards and I said "Don't worry,I'm going to say something."
So once my DCs were nicely sitting down I went over and said "Excuse me,no need to be so rude,my son apologised,he's only 3 and I had already told him off." He then said "Well it's not very nice for someone to touch your breakfast."
I then said something about don't criticise me and I think you were unnecessarily rude" and walked off.
We then continued eating ours co,the DCs were well behaved,that was the end.
I know I was angry and maybe acted impulsively confronting him and an now wondering if I was out of order?I'm prepared to be told I was,I'm not expecting everyone to agree with me as I can see it from both sides but after what the cashier said I felt maybe he was unnecessarily rude to me?

I see even in accepting she was a bit U, the OP has said she thinks croissant man ought to have accepted "our apologies".

No!! You made a 3 year old apologise. That is not your apology at all. YOU should have apologised then spoken to your 3 year old separately. And you should have done it immediately when the croissant was poked and offered to pay for the poked croissant, allowing the man to have a fresh one. He shouldn't have had to ask the cashier.

Exactly everlong - so the OP shouldn't not have continued the argument and been confrontational because she hasn't had the reaction she wanted.

Nobody is obliged to accept an apology,whether it's from a 3 year old or an adult.

Croissant man was in front of me in the queue,the whole touching/complaining/exchanging thing happened very quickly.There was one customer between me & croissant man and we apologised in the queue,I did not send my DS off on his own to a random stranger at a table and I said sorry too,whilst I was with him.
I can't believe this has gone on for 11 pages !
I'm going to return to the nice quiet pushchair and breastfeeding threads now.
This has been interesting though.

X-post with everlong ,thank you for understanding and sticking up for me!

Goodness. Storm in a teacup springs to mind.
Man was grumpy and a bit rude, OP shouldn't have gone up to him. We all make mistakes. I don't see the need for all the lectures and rage on the thread. OP said in her first post she was prepared to accept she was in the wrong.

That's not how you described it though Beatrix - you said you sent your DS over to him to apologise. What were you thinking allowing your DS wandering about the queue? He should have been kept with you in the first place. Where were the two younger ones in all this? Garlic summed it up exactly - you should have apologised immediately and offered to pay for the croissant and then left it - even if the man had said what he did but you annoyed him and annoyed him and annoyed him. I think he's right in that you need to control your children. You're responsible for them and you weren't. The three year old was wandering around (he was two ahead of where you were in the queue). As others have said making your DS apologise to him and expecting the man to respond to this is trying to engage the man in your parenting and people don't want to be bothered. You should have apologised so that there was minimum fuss and disturbance to the man.

@ I'm going to return to the nice quiet pushchair and breastfeeding threads now

That's like me OP, i go and wonder round baby name threads when it gets too annoying and sparky in AIBU.

At least you had the balls to start the thread.

So, OP is finding it difficult to manage 3 children under 4, so 3yo wanders off. Understandable, but not entirely unpredictable. Could've been avoided.

3yo touches man's croissant. Again, understandable, and entirely predictable. 3yo's touch everything. OP will know this, having a 3yo.

Man not particularly chuffed about having breakfast messed about by 3yo. Can't blame him for this, on account of y'know, 3yo's touch everything, and not everything they touch is something you'd want in your mouth.

Croissant is replaced, not by OP. OP bit unreasonable here for not offering to pay, but man hasn't lost out.

OP gets "furious" at her 3yo. Really? Furious?

OP and 3yo both apologise. Man isn't "furious" but ignores and says OP should control her child. He's being a bit of an arse here, but again, understandable. He's addressing the mother, not the 3yo who's behaving exactly like a 3yo does.

OP then goes back and kicks off at the man.

OP, we've all been there with small children. If you're seriously unable to hang on to 2 small children in Sainsbury's caff (bearing in mind baby in sling doesn't need a hand holding), if you're furious at a toddler for doing exactly what toddlers do, and if you're leaving your small children at a table to go and start a fight with a random stranger, you maybe need to be asking for real, practical help. People are nice, if you let them be. Honestly, if I'd seen you struggling, I would have offered. But people aren't nice if you give them reason not to be. If I'd seen you kicking off, I'd have backed away sharpish.

She doesn't need help. She got a bit cross and behaved unreasonably for a minute, then posted to see what others thought. That's all!

The OP didn't act on impulse though,did she? She decided that he was going to say something when talking to the cashier,after the initial incident was over,then she got her children settled,before confronting the man. There's nothing impulsive about that. That's just looking for trouble.

apologies, OP, didn't see your update (slow typist). But honestly, ask for help. Maybe croissant man was an arse, maybe he wasn't (he may have been having bad day himself, nobody knows), but most people would help.

everlong in the OP Beatrix says she made her DS come and stand next to her after he'd touched the croissant then it says I made him go and apologise to the man so the boy was sent over to the man. No one said anything about him wandering off to apologise. The boy was wandering about the queue when his mum should have kept him with him. At the front of the queue there will be hot drinks. It would only have taken a customer to have not seen the child, turn with his cake and drink and trip over the child, potentially hurting someone. The child shouldn't have been allowed to wander in the first place.

I think this guy was overreacting. When you leave your house, humans are about and occasionally they will encroach upon you. That's life.

That being said, I don't think it was a good idea to send a 3 year old off to apologize to a man who you had every reason to suspect was grumpy. You should have apologized, because if any blame was to be assigned, it was to you for not preventing it.

I'm laughing at whomever said her toddler would never touch a stranger's food. Ha! A 3 year old under perfect control. Perfect just up til the point that she's not.

I think the man was a little rude and grumpy.

I think you completely overreacted!

YABU!

Moley I don't mean she's losing it. I meant help in "can you just hang on to child's hand whilst I reach for tray" type help. Because you need five arms and eyes in your arse when they're that age.

How did a 3 year old manage to reach the food on his tray anyway?

The man sounds mean and grumpy! It's all very well to say control your children - the OP has three kids under 4! Not easy - I am sure we've all had situations where one of our children did something we didn't want them to before being able to stop it.

She planned to go up to him, but it would have still all been in the space of a few minutes when she was stressed and cross and not rational. If we are letting the man off for his rudeness (and he was rude) as he was possibly having a bad day, we could let the OP off a bit too for being stressed etc surely. It wasn't right, I wouldn't have done it (wimp, aside from anything else) and it wasn't reasonable but it's not horrendously awful, a bad lesson to her kids, etc.

Sorry Tartina, I thought you meant parenting class/anger management type help! Apologies

No,she really didn't need to say her piece,not to him anyway.

And I very much doubt that the man is going to think he's the one in the wrong here,when the OP was the one who aggravated the situation,and who was obviously spoiling for a fight,by confronting him when it was over and done with. I'd imagine that what will stick in his mind is how aggressive and unreasonable the OP was,not his snubbing of a three year old.