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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Man in Sainsbury's cafe-was I out of order?

347 replies

Beatrixpotty · 29/06/2013 13:30

Took 3 DCs (2,3 & baby) on my own to Sainsburys,3 year old was hungry after swimming so decided to go to cafe first.
Was getting the lunch when 3yr old DS went to man in queue with a croissant on his tray and pointed to it & toched it saying "I want one of those."Big fuss,man said don't want that,boy touched it etc,lady on till sympathetic and said of course,no problem,I'll get another one etc.

Meanwhile I was furious with DS,he knows not to touch in cafes & shops,and I td him off,made him come and stand with me,hold my hand(which he hates) and wait quietly.I also made him go and apologise to the man,which he did.
The man did not even acknowledge him though and said loudly to me "Just control your children!"
I was very offended.I was upset he had not accepted the apology from DS.He was none the worse off as he had a new croissant.
The cashier said to me "Sorry about that rude man" afterwards and I said "Don't worry,I'm going to say something."
So once my DCs were nicely sitting down I went over and said "Excuse me,no need to be so rude,my son apologised,he's only 3 and I had already told him off." He then said "Well it's not very nice for someone to touch your breakfast."
I then said something about don't criticise me and I think you were unnecessarily rude" and walked off.
We then continued eating ours co,the DCs were well behaved,that was the end.
I know I was angry and maybe acted impulsively confronting him and an now wondering if I was out of order?I'm prepared to be told I was,I'm not expecting everyone to agree with me as I can see it from both sides but after what the cashier said I felt maybe he was unnecessarily rude to me?

OP posts:
pompeii · 29/06/2013 20:36

needaholidaynow, yes I was agreeing with you :-)

I was always taught it was good manners to graciously accept an apology, especially for a mishap that had no intended malice, but it's disappointing how many think blurting out an insulting comeback is an acceptable response.

needaholidaynow · 29/06/2013 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pompeii · 29/06/2013 20:42

Pay some damn attention next time Angry

Only joking Wink, I accept your apology Grin

salsmum · 29/06/2013 20:43

Sauvignonblanche I'm sooo sorry to hear of your bereavement, I too have had my fill of losing people/family members this year...that is why I can also empathize with others who may be having a really bad time lately and may not be as tolerant as usual as said maybe this man in Sainsburys could be going through his own private hell. We just don't know. Sad.

MissYamabuki · 29/06/2013 20:48

The man should have accepted the child's apology FGS - surely as an adult he can be expected to do that? It would have been an essential part for the incident to be resolved (sorry, apology accepted, everyone move on). HE was childish, immature and unreasonable. YWNBU to approach him 2nd time and bring this to his attention.

TotallyBursar · 29/06/2013 20:51

Icantstopeating - I have presumed nothing or I would have said 'the type of parent you are' but your comment allied you, in this case, with a parent that was unreasonable. You also assumed - you have no idea of this mans circumstances. You wrote off his right to be having a bad day and not being a luffly, happy, shiny grandad whilst supporting mothers' rights to be having a bad day.

This man didn't take anything out on a child at all - he didn't go misty eyed over an apology from a 3 year old, so? More people need to realise that a 'sorreee' is not always sufficient to a person that is aggrieved (unless they are the aggrieved party in which case you often see the about face). If you are still unhappy then you don't have any moral obligation to say otherwise even though in many cases we do.
This was a moutain out of a molehill, the adult thing to do was to realise your toddler should not be poking people's food, react appropriately, recognise he was a bit pissed off and continue on with your day.
Hopefully, if you happen to be the one having a bad day and don't respond with the exuberance another parent expects (not what you would feel appropriate, the possibly ridiculous expectations of a complete stranger) you don't get followed and harrangued about it. Because that wouldn't be very nice.

thepixiefrog · 29/06/2013 20:54

I think it's really sad that there are so many people who believe that it's reasonable to disregard children, whether it's talking to them or even just acknowledging their existence. If the toddler had been an elderly person with dementia, for example, or an adult with special needs it would not be deemed acceptable for the croissant man to completely ignore them as they tried to offer an apology. It would be seen as bloody rude. Kids are people, and they will only learn how to interact respectfully with others if their own interactions with adults are based upon tolerance and respect. It would have taken no effort for croissant man to mumble a word of acceptance and it would have all been over. This 'not liking kids' thing just doesn't cut it, they're not dogs fgs.

ButchCassidy · 29/06/2013 20:56

YABU
You left your children and went over to him to give him a gobful???

ilovesooty · 29/06/2013 20:58

I'm surprised by the number of people who think it's acceptable to follow someone to their table, invade their space and disturb their meal.

Shitsinger · 29/06/2013 21:02

He didn't say he hated kids - just told the OP ( quite rightly ) to control them.
As I said earlier what if there had been a pot of hot tea on his tray and the child had pulled it over or burnt his fingers?
The OP went on the defensive because he was right !

needaholidaynow · 29/06/2013 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sirzy · 29/06/2013 21:03

Me to Ilove

especially those who think the man was rude (which he was a bit) and a bad thing for a child to see, but the mothers massive overreaction was warranted and fine for her children to witness.

needaholidaynow · 29/06/2013 21:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sirzy · 29/06/2013 21:04

I don't hate children, but I hate certain actions carried out by children (and adults). Why should someone smile and put up with something just because it is a child in the wrong?

needaholidaynow · 29/06/2013 21:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pompeii · 29/06/2013 21:07

IMO once you start being an aggressive prick to somebody you don't have the right to expect them to do nothing about it.

thepixiefrog · 29/06/2013 21:09

Needaholiday, I think it's one of the words things about our society. I don't believe the op should have gone to croissant man's table - that was definitely an invasion of his space and she should have left it - but I understand why she felt upset. It is crap to see anyone treated as 'non-human', and it shouldn't be accepted just because the person receiving it is a child.

TotallyBursar · 29/06/2013 21:10

I don't agree that it's Dickensian child cruelty.

Obnoxious behaviour by anybody is a pita. On most days most people try to be accomodating - if they have a bad day and don't make it all okay again quickly enough, it's still not them that caused the problem in the first place.

Not everybody wants to be on the recieving end of my dc's, that wouldn't change if I substituted my nan, mother, husband or next door neighbour.

YoniRanger · 29/06/2013 21:13

YABU. Touching food is a horrid thing to do. You were not controlling your child and you got told off.

Following him to have a row because he didn't engage with your child is quite aggressive so although he set a poor example by not accepting and apology gracefully you set a much worse one.

Children need to hold hands or sit still where there is hot food/ drinks, and I say this as the proud owner of a hand holding refusenik!

crashdoll · 29/06/2013 21:14

You were both unreasonable but I see you had already accepted that. :)

Shitsinger · 29/06/2013 21:16

The child wasn't at fault - he is 3 !
His mother is - cafes are full of people carrying trays of hot food and drinks.
I have waitressed in a traditional café as a teenager and seeing DC getting in the way of people with trays of food takes me back to the time a young child had a pot of hot water (boiling) tipped over him as he ran about. Guess who his mother blamed Hmm

WhoNickedMyName · 29/06/2013 21:16

Consider yourself lucky that all he managed to touch was a croissant, and be thankful that he didn't pull a cup of hot tea or coffee all over himself and/or the man.

Floggingmolly · 29/06/2013 21:16

The little boy was just being completely natural and normal Hmm
It's not acceptable to march up to someone and fiddle with the food on their plate; presumably the child now knows this. Allowing it to pass unremarked because it's natural and normal (it bloody isn't!) is hardly a better lesson than the one he hopefully learnt?

pompeii · 29/06/2013 21:20

Floggingmolly, it wasn't unremarked, the OP said she was 'furious' and told the child off etc. The child doesn't need some grumpy old man getting aggressive with his mother to learn from his actions.

Gruntfuttock · 29/06/2013 21:26

I disagree that the man was aggressive. The OP, however, was.