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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

can I ask DD2s teachers to discourage her from playing with another child?

38 replies

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 28/06/2013 08:56

I have had another thread about DD2s so called "best friend". She's a bully...I don';t want DD being made unhappy anymore.

We've been in once about this at the start of the term....I told them DD seemed to be coming in daily with complaints that E had pushed her or other children who were with them, kicked, scratched or hit.

Other times E is charming and kind so it is hard...DD does really like her. She has other little friends though but E scares them away.

I have tried to work with DD to get her to be more assertive but it's not working....I just don't want her to be with this kid at all now.

Tody DD was going to bring something in for show and tell...she asked me if she could...then she said "But E will ask me if she can have it and if I say no she'll hurt me and wont be my friend."

Angry

So DD didn't take the item in. I am working....DH has taken DD to school and is having a word. He's going to tell the teacher that it has not stopped and that we don't want DD with the child if at all possible. I know that's hard....but I feel it is affecting DDs social skills in that she is not being free with her own desires in terms of friends.

OP posts:
CloudsAndTrees · 28/06/2013 09:02

How old is your dd?

I think you can ask that she is encouraged to play with other children and suggest that the class do some PSHE stuff on what makes a good friend, what to do when someone upsets you etc, but I don't think you can ask that your dd is actively discouraged from playing with another child.

It is almost impossible to keep children away from each other at school when they want to play with each other.

Original poster
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 28/06/2013 09:05

She's 5 sorry clouds. It's so upsetting...she's a naturally sociable child DD and I hate that she's being dominated like this.

OP posts:
xylem8 · 28/06/2013 09:05

The teachers will not stop you DD from playing with this child. can you imagine the fallout from that!
'Mummy Mrs Y says xxx is not allowed to paly with me any more'

xylem8 · 28/06/2013 09:09

is it possible to link to your other thread OP , I can't find it?

Original poster
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 28/06/2013 09:11

Here's the thing Xylema a few months back my DD was stopped from playing with a little boy she'd been close with in nursery...he adored her and she him...but his Mum wanted him to begin playing with boys instead of with DD and her other girl friends....DD told me that she was no longer allowed out during class time into the sand and water area when he was there...they were regualry split up.

So it must be possible? I asked on MN and was told that his Mum must have asked for this and that it was fair enough.

OP posts:
CloudsAndTrees · 28/06/2013 09:11

I do feel for you, it's heartbreaking when your child is going through something like this, especially when they are so little and among the youngest in the school.

My advice would be to make a bit of a pain of yourself with the teacher, and with the TA if you get the opportunity to see her. Talk to them regularly, in a nice polite way, just so that they know its ongoing and it's concerning you a lot. They expect to have to deal with parents worries, and they will want to do what they can to ensure your dd is happy at school.

If this little girl is quite subtle in the ways she upsets your dd and your dd copes while at school but gets upset later, then it can be hard for them to see what's going on.

I hope your DH gets on well when he has a chat this morning.

Original poster
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 28/06/2013 09:12

other thread Xylema

Clouds it feels a bit fussy as we're almost into summer but there's still 4 weeks or something left....I will try to get DD together with some other girls over summer.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 28/06/2013 09:14

DD always seems happy coming to and leaving school....the little "tales" she tells about E seem almost to not bother her much....but they must do or she wouldn't mention them. She only relates really good things or stuff which has bothered her...so she might tell me if they had a treat or if she really enjoyed a lesson.....or if E pushed her.

OP posts:
scaevola · 28/06/2013 09:16

I think most teachers have more subtle ways of dealing with it than "you mustn't play together" and you'd be unlucky to have one who was an inexperienced/incompetent to go about it like that.

Yes, go and talk to the teacher. And listen to what they say back, especially suggestions for how to resolve this. Spending time apart (reassigning classroom seating?) may help, as might extra supervision during breaks. And if they shuffle classes between school years, getting them separated might be a good thing too.

Original poster
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 28/06/2013 09:21

Dh has been in and the teacher was great. She said she will keep an eye on them and she will issue a challenge where the DC are not to play with their usual friends....she said she does this now and then....and will do it today.

DH said when he saw DD with E this morning he was reminded just how small E is and how she IS a nice child really but she's obviously in need of guidance.

OP posts:
thebody · 28/06/2013 09:23

Hi op, totally agree with clouds. I am a reception class TA and know my littlies very well but subtle bullying like this is very hard to desk with if its in the playground and dine quietly. Often you can tell the child to go and play with someone else but they invariable go back to the 'bully'

Physical bullying Is much easier to desk with.

Go to the school, talk to the teacher and TA, there are lots of opportunities for children to be split up in free play time and in table activities so your dd has time to make other friends.

Ask this girl to tea and jump in her ( gently) if she starts being nasty, ie 'oh we don't say that/ do that here its not allowed.

They are both soooo young though and guess by this time next year they both will have moved on.

Look at it this was personally I would rather have a dd like yours than a bit of a spiteful bully.

baskingseals · 28/06/2013 09:26

Neo, this must be really difficult for you.
Work out what you can do for your dd in terms of strengthening her self esteem.

One of the best ways to do this is for her to master tasks that she finds difficult - so it could be drawing, cooking, playing an instrument, that sort of thing.

With her so- called friend, I would talk it all through calmly with her, when you have both got time, don't be afraid if she expresses negative emotions - she feels upset, hurt, angry, far better that she releases these feelings in a safe place with you, than she is carrying them around with her all day.

I would mention your concerns to the teacher. Perhaps a general class chat about including other people and being kind would be a good idea.

I would also talk to her real friend's mum and see if there was some way for this friendship to continue, and I would also mention this to your dd's teacher.

Really hope things work out for all of you, I do not think you are being fussy at all, you are doing the right thing.

Original poster
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 28/06/2013 09:27

I am happy with the plan....the teacher told DH we should see her on Wed to see how it's going....I think her plan is good.

OP posts:
madamginger · 28/06/2013 09:28

We're having similar problems ATM with Dr who's 6, this girlnits telling dd she can't play with other kids and pulling faces at her and distracting her in class. Her teacher has split them up and put them back to back in class and the dinner ladies are not allowed to sit them together.
I've just had to keep reminding her not to play with this girl and when she says something to look her in the eye and say if you can't be nice leave me alone.
So far so good, however the girls mother who is causing this in the first place is another matter and her I would like to fucking punch in the face....

Original poster
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 28/06/2013 09:34

Madam I relate to the anger Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 28/06/2013 09:38

Dh is blaming himself he says he feels he's not taught her to be assertive enough....but she IS assertive. She just likes this kid....and wants to be mates...and the child is having some bother with her social skills. Am I right?

OP posts:
CloudsAndTrees · 28/06/2013 09:42

You probably are right! But if your DH wants to do something to help her, the you could get him to talk through things she can say to be assertive. If she likes this girl your might like help to learn how to be assertive in a nice way.

Pleased to hear the teacher has a plan you feel happy with. A good response from the school can make a big difference.

madamginger · 28/06/2013 09:43

The other mum and I fell out over a really rude comment she made about my dd to another mum and now she is shit stirring constantly and slagging of my dd to her dd who in turn is causing problems in school. Plus me to the other mums in the playground, but Its all low level stuff and I can't prove it. I contacted the pcso in our area to see if they could help but with out proof I'm stuck.
Its so pathetic, but my poor dd is stuck in the middle.
Argggg makes me so mad

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 28/06/2013 09:44

I had a situation where one child was monopolising my dd and getting very angry and hurt if my dd dared to play with anyone else. I went to the school and asked the teacher to intervene. The teacher agreed that the relationship was not healthy for either child. A such they were separated for all classroom activities and ultimately they got separated into different classes. I was very happy with this outcome and the problem went away totally. I think you should go to the school and be honest. If the teacher is sensible then she/he will see the problem and want to solve it.

Original poster
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 28/06/2013 09:47

We only have one class per year so separating next year is impossible. I am just hoping this friendship either gets better or fades out.

OP posts:
follygirl · 28/06/2013 09:57

I can completely sympathise with the op.

The same thing happened to my dd in Reception and Year 1. The other girl would not allow other girls to play with mine and then would criticise her saying that she was babyish and that her nails were ugly as she bit them. Sadly her school were not supportive when I complained. They said that dd couldn't be being bullied as she would play with the bully. What they didn't understand is that at this point she had no other friends and she didn't want to be mean to the bully. The school also acted as if the bully would never behave in this manner as she was 'such a lovely girl'. I found out afterwards that 3 other girls were bullied both before and after mine.

Anyway after much 'coaching' my dd learnt to stand up for herself. The positive side is that she doesn't take any crap. The negative side is that she doesn't want a best friend as she doesn't want to be in an all-consuming friendship. She is very happy though.

Another big mistake I made was to ask the mother of the other girl to let my daughter play with others. I was accused of being racist (wtf) and was invited to apologise to them. I did not.

It is really difficult. I did get frustrated with my dd when she didn't stand up for herself but she was only just 4 at the time (June baby).

I hope that your situation resolves itself soon.

Original poster
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 28/06/2013 09:59

Folly that's bad! The school are well aware that E is a troubled kid as they have had other complaints.

OP posts:
mrsjay · 28/06/2013 10:00

I would keep going in to school you cant tell the school your DD can't play with the girl but you can make them aware after every incident they will then deal with it, TBH I would try and encourage other friendships so your dd has somebody else to play with and tell her friends do NOT hurt each other, It is hard when they are so little though, but keep going into school about it

Original poster
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 28/06/2013 10:03

Yes good plan MrsJay....I think that while they are very good they ARE busy and might have as many as 8 parents in a day with issues and worries....so things like this might fade. If DD has any complaints at all I will get DH or I will pop in for a word.

OP posts:
mrsjay · 28/06/2013 10:17

It is a shame when their friends act like this though it isn't that rare for little friends to become obsessive IYSWIM doesn't make you feel anybetter but schools are used to dealing with this sort of think especially in infant classes