can I ask DD2s teachers to discourage her from playing with another child?

[NeoMaxiZoomDweebie]

I have had another thread about DD2s so called "best friend". She's a bully...I don';t want DD being made unhappy anymore.

We've been in once about this at the start of the term....I told them DD seemed to be coming in daily with complaints that E had pushed her or other children who were with them, kicked, scratched or hit.

Other times E is charming and kind so it is hard...DD does really like her. She has other little friends though but E scares them away.

I have tried to work with DD to get her to be more assertive but it's not working....I just don't want her to be with this kid at all now.

Tody DD was going to bring something in for show and tell...she asked me if she could...then she said "But E will ask me if she can have it and if I say no she'll hurt me and wont be my friend."

So DD didn't take the item in. I am working....DH has taken DD to school and is having a word. He's going to tell the teacher that it has not stopped and that we don't want DD with the child if at all possible. I know that's hard....but I feel it is affecting DDs social skills in that she is not being free with her own desires in terms of friends.

The school can encourage other friendships, so can you, but it will be difficult if your dd really likes this child.

I don't agree that your dd wouldn't tell you about each little incident unless it bothers her though, this is a very tattle tale age. Ds2 tells me every day each minor infraction that his best friend has commited - if he was pushed, if he feels he didn't get his fair share of time on the computer, if friend wouldn't play the game he wanted. Quite often one or the other of them comes out of school saying they are 'not best friends any more' but by next morning they are thick as thieves again. As they seek each other out to play with (and their is a choice of 73 other children) I assume they are basically happy and after a few words of comfort or a reminder to be nice to your friends I just leave them to it.

My sister said that Barbarian...

I really do sympathise as we have recently been going through a similar thing in the last two years. The only difference is that the 'friend' in our situ is not a bully as such, just obssessed with my dd, incredibly domineering and simply will not allow my dd to play with others. The school didnt really do a great deal. The expressed surprise when I told them of my dd's unhappiness as "they always play together"!! Well duh!! This girl had seen to it that all her other friendships have been broken up or just faded away and, given that this girl would literally pick up my dd and physically carry her off (I saw this happen as well as my dd telling me about it) my dd had little chance of breaking away.

I would recommend asking your dd who else she likes in her class and going hell for leather on the play dates. That way she can have bonding experiences with other kids away from the bully and have some fun times to talk about with others. Also, if she has back up of other friends, she may find the strength to say " I like you very much but this break time, I would like to play with X/have X & Y join in our game". Good luck! If its any consolation, my dd has in the last couple of weeks broken free and is much happier!

Pixie I have seen E drag my DD away too.I just can't go hell for leather on playdates as I can't drive and it's awkward as well as working all the bloody time. I'm too knackered.

I have taught my kids the phrase "you are not the boss of me". I have told them that's it's ok to challenge friends who are making them do things they are not happy with (I'm talking low key stuff here obviously)

It's such a difficult age where kids are finding their place in their frendship groups and trying out new personalities and relationships.

We had the same situation with dd and her teacher sat the friend and dd apart and made sure they were in different working groups.

A great way to help new friendships along in this early stage is to invite kids home for tea and a play.

X posted with you then neo.

It s worth making an effort with the play dates.... One every other week or so. There usually comes a return invitation too, so you get out of school pick up...bonus!

my daughter's first full friendship was broken up by well meaning teachers though - they made DDs best friend play with/sit with/mentor someone who had been bullied - so of course they became BFF and DD was edged out ..... amid much heartbreak - be aware that changing the dynamics can affect other children badly....

It's so hard to see your child who you have always praised and boosted self esteem NOT be assertive.

Just think some are naturally assertive and some arnt and that's so frustrating.

Remember though op she is very young and will develop her character through incidents just like this.

It's really hard to see your kids unhappy though.

I could have written the op too. My dd is going through the exact same thing. The school have tried to encourage other friendships and I am arranging play dates with other children every 2nd week but my dd is completely dominated by this other little girl and they always end up back together. It is really eroding my dd's confidence and completely stressing me out!!

How sad that we all have the same stories to tell.

I had playdates with loads of other girls as I was worried that my dd would be stuck with this child and that all the other lovely girls would be taken.

Every morning in the car we would practise: 'Thank you for asking me to play but I want to play with x today'.

I was very angry about the school's response to the whole situation. Particularly as it was suggested that I was being racist. The other girl was a Hindu but apparently according to their parents I obviously thought she was Muslim and therefore disliked their daughter because of that.

Despite the fact that I had been to their house several times, had seen their temple and am not an uneducated racist. In fact I'm not even English although I am white. The school wanted to appear politically correct even though the child's ethnicity was absolutely nothing to do with it!

Sorry for the rant but that bit really stuck in the throat!

Anyway it did resolve itself. Luckily we have two classes and there was a reshuffle last year so she isn't in my daughter's class anymore.

Have a word with the teacher OP.

A new boy started in DSs class this year, at first DS seemed to enjoy playing with him, but then he started to get upset in the mornings and said he didn't want to go to school, which is most unlike him.

Turned out that this boy had no other friends and because he stuck with DS, DS was losing the chance to play with anyone else and it had got very overwhelming for him, plus this boy was a bit more boisterous than DS and the teacher had been telling the two of them off for things.

I really try to avoid speaking to the teacher about what I feel are trivial things, but felt that as DS was upset I had no alternative. The teacher was fantastic and encouraged the other child to play with other children as well as DS and made sure that they weren't partnered all the time. It's still an issue for DS at afterschool - the boy will always play with him, but not during school hours.

I felt bad as the boy is nice as are his parents, but it was also for his benefit too ( although that's not why I did it !) as he needs to widen his circle of friends not stick to DS all the time.