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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want neice to stay at ours

275 replies

ReflectingKites · 27/06/2013 16:59

NC because this may identify me and I don't want RL people to read my previous posts.

Right, my neice is at some kind of summer school/camp thing in Leeds Monday to Friday next week. Her mum (DSISIL) is driving her up on Monday morning. She's due to pick her up on Friday but DSISIL is now saying that this will mean she has to take Friday off work and she can't do that (for some reason about not having enough hours and needing to take it as unpaid leave).

So, she suggested that we (that's me and DP, no kids) pick up my our neice on Friday, have her at ours on Friday night and then DSISIL will pick her up on Saturday afternoon.

So you know, we live about 30 miles from Leeds, we don't drive and we don't have children of our own. Neice is 7 years old.

I really don't want this to happen because a) I actually don't like my neice very much, b) I have no idea how to entertain a 7 yo child, and c) I don't want to have my Friday night and Saturday morning taken over my looking after this child. I don't mind DSISIL and her daughter coming over for a bit on Friday evening after she's picked up her daughter.

DP agrees with me but is of the opinion 'what can we do?' because he doesn't want to cause a row with his family. My perspective is that his sister is a selfish cow who continually dumps on people because she can't organise and sort out her own life. If we don't want to look after her daughter over night then we shouldn't feel forced to. If his parents and sister don't like it then fuck 'em. We never ask them to do anything for us that they don't want to and would never dream of it.

AIBU about this? I think I might be being a bit precious about my Friday night but I work fucking hard all week and I resent having part of my weekend stolen!!

Will try to update but my home internet is on the blink (no smartphone!) so it may have to wait until tomorrow.

OP posts:
diddl · 28/06/2013 11:22

I'd be tempted to have her-if SIl delivered & fetched, just to show that someone cares!

Sounds as though relationship building will lead to free childcare being expected.

If it's just due to a friday night out-are her partners parents out?

Oh scrub that-is it because fetching the daughter means she'll be too late back for a night out-with the guy she lives with (ie sees quite a it of??)Hmm

OctopusPete8 · 28/06/2013 11:24

Surely you can be the adult here and sense she just needs someone to care about her?

Original poster
ReflectingKites · 28/06/2013 11:25

diddl Sorry diddl, maybe I haven't been very clear about DSISIL's living arrangements.

DSISIL lives with her mum and dad (DFIL and DMIL) and her DD. Her mum and dad do about 95% of childcare, cooking, cleaning, washing, all child-associated tasks.

When she can't ely on DFIL and DMIL to babysit, she dumps her DD on friends for the evening so she can go out with her BF or stay at home for 'me time' shudder

She doesn't have a partner.

OP posts:
sameoldIggi · 28/06/2013 11:26

Does your dp have no desire to forge a better relationship with his niece? Really don't get not wanting to know a little girl on account of her mother not giving a toss about her.
Children's DVDs are available cheaply in your local supermarket btw.
The mad journey is about the only good reason for not doing this. When I think of some of the threads I've read on here and what some women put up with, this is nothing really.

Original poster
ReflectingKites · 28/06/2013 11:26

octopus Her grandparents care about her - they are basically her primary carers. The issue is that they also behave like grandparents (i.e. spoiling her massively) when they are performing a 'parent' role IYSWIM.

OP posts:
diddl · 28/06/2013 11:29

Don't worry-it's more than likely me misreading acronyms!Blush

Original poster
ReflectingKites · 28/06/2013 11:30

same The journey is a big factor but so is the fact that DSISIL expects the world to revolve around her and her social life. And so is that fact that we don't to spend Friday night baby sitting a child we don't know and don't particularly get on with.

DP doesn't want to forge a better relationship with his neice, no.

Not sure what 'what some other women have to put up with' is anything to do with this situation. What other people put up with is nothing to do with my life. Also, the main responsibility for looking after the little girl, if she did come to ours, would fall to DP- his sister, not mine. Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean I'll be picking up the childcare slack.

OP posts:
Crowler · 28/06/2013 11:34

I would do it.

But, I don't have sisters (in law) who are irresponsible/fob kids off on other family members, so not a fair comparison.

ArthurCucumber · 28/06/2013 11:40

I actually do know the type of child you are referring to. I used to (a long time ago, so not identifiable) encounter a child through work whose circumstances were almost identical - cared for mostly by doting grandparents, little discipline, mother more interested in her own social life. His behaviour was appalling as he was entirely indulged, thought he was king of the world. It wasn't his fault, any more than this child's unpleasant behaviour isn't her fault, but that doesn't make it your (or your dh's) problem to solve.

The journey isn't the "only good reason", no matter how cheap DVDs are. The only good reason the OP needs is not wanting to do it. Yes, that is prioritising what she wants. She can do this, as she doesn't have any dependents. And what other women have to put up with also isn't relevant. Are you really suggesting the OP should do this because (let's say) other women have to bring up children alone, or suffer domestic violence? What good would that do? Confused

Emilythornesbff · 28/06/2013 11:43

YANBU not to this favour.
But DP's sister is NBU to ask IMHO.
I would probably do it in your situation.i spent a lot of time with my nieces, helping out with child care before I had DCs.
But it's not for everyone.

But
What does DSISIL stand for?

Original poster
ReflectingKites · 28/06/2013 11:44

Emily DSISIL- Darling sister in law... have I got this wrong Blush?

OP posts:
BlessedDespair · 28/06/2013 11:46

Emily

What does DSISIL stand for?

I'm guessing it stands for D (dear) SIS (sister) IL (in law) :)

saintlyjimjams · 28/06/2013 11:49

Poor kid.

EachAndEveryHighway · 28/06/2013 11:49

Feel a bit sorry for the child, but YANBU. It's not like it's just a few minutes down the road.

SIL sounds enormously self-entitled - sod her evening out with her boyfriend - she booked her dd on this course, so she can sort her travel arrangements. Think your DP did/said totally the right thing.

Emilythornesbff · 28/06/2013 11:55

Duh!
Obvious really. (i was expecting DSIL)
I thought it was something new. Blush

ZolaBuddleia · 28/06/2013 11:57

I have a niece who, beyond the age of 3, was really really hard to like. Before I had a child, if it had been put to me that I had to give up my Friday night and half my Saturday to look after her, I would have had exactly the same response as you, OP. And that's before the transport thing.

People with kids are, by and large, so used to forgoing anything involving freedom and relaxation that looking after a niece for a night no longer seems a big deal, but for a childfree person those things can be really important.

ZolaBuddleia · 28/06/2013 11:58

We'd have her to stay now, but that's because she's 17 and supposed to be unpleasant.

dreamingbohemian · 28/06/2013 12:08

So you 'shudder' at the concept of 'me time', but your main reason for doing this is you don't want to give up your friday night. Okay...

Why doesn't your DP want to forge a closer relationship with his niece? That's pretty sad, I think. It doesn't sound like any of this is her fault.

diddl · 28/06/2013 12:16

None of it is the niece's fault.

But it's hardly the OPs either.

Sad that her Uncle isn't bothered about her, but I'm also thinking that more enablers (to SIL) aren't needed.

DowntonTrout · 28/06/2013 12:25

The OP is perfectly entitled to me time.

She doesn't have children herself.

The DSIL has chosen to have a child and has chosen to send the child on an activity for 5 days. Therefore giving herself 4 other evenings of me time.

AliasNemo · 28/06/2013 12:27

Poor kid. Say no if you must. But don't delude yourself about having any excuses: it is pure selfishness.

Crinkle77 · 28/06/2013 12:29

YANBU for not wanting to travel 30 miles on public transport but YABU for your attitude to your neice. I don't have kids but would do anything for my nieces and if that meant giving up one Friday night in a blue moon then so be it

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou · 28/06/2013 12:31

I don't think it's selfish to not want to do something that the person who should be doing doesn't want to do either.

3 hr round trip on a friday night on public transport with a weeks worth of luggage to collect a kid you've only met half a dozen times - no thanks.

It would be different if it was A) an actual emergency or B) genuinely no trouble

mirry2 · 28/06/2013 12:36

I haven't read all 7 pages of this thread s sorry if it's been dealt with - ut it's the travelling that is the real problem, surely? A 7 year old won't be up very late and will be gone by Saturday lunch time so i can't see the op or her dh will need to do much entertaining.

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou · 28/06/2013 12:39

Some families aren't that close though. Plenty of threads on here about people not getting on with their siblings, presumably they don't have close relationships with their siblings children. I would, and do, put myself out for my nieces but neither my sisters or sils take the piss and we are all very close. (well, one sil does take the piss a bit and she is the one that I put the most thought into saying yes/no to. The others I would always say yes if I can because they wold be asking because they needed help iyswim)