to not want neice to stay at ours

[ReflectingKites]

NC because this may identify me and I don't want RL people to read my previous posts.

Right, my neice is at some kind of summer school/camp thing in Leeds Monday to Friday next week. Her mum (DSISIL) is driving her up on Monday morning. She's due to pick her up on Friday but DSISIL is now saying that this will mean she has to take Friday off work and she can't do that (for some reason about not having enough hours and needing to take it as unpaid leave).

So, she suggested that we (that's me and DP, no kids) pick up my our neice on Friday, have her at ours on Friday night and then DSISIL will pick her up on Saturday afternoon.

So you know, we live about 30 miles from Leeds, we don't drive and we don't have children of our own. Neice is 7 years old.

I really don't want this to happen because a) I actually don't like my neice very much, b) I have no idea how to entertain a 7 yo child, and c) I don't want to have my Friday night and Saturday morning taken over my looking after this child. I don't mind DSISIL and her daughter coming over for a bit on Friday evening after she's picked up her daughter.

DP agrees with me but is of the opinion 'what can we do?' because he doesn't want to cause a row with his family. My perspective is that his sister is a selfish cow who continually dumps on people because she can't organise and sort out her own life. If we don't want to look after her daughter over night then we shouldn't feel forced to. If his parents and sister don't like it then fuck 'em. We never ask them to do anything for us that they don't want to and would never dream of it.

AIBU about this? I think I might be being a bit precious about my Friday night but I work fucking hard all week and I resent having part of my weekend stolen!!

Will try to update but my home internet is on the blink (no smartphone!) so it may have to wait until tomorrow.

[LongTimeLurking]

YANBU. Nothing wrong with disliking the child and not wanting to give up your free time to provide a free baby sitting service for a woman who constantly dumps on people.

Only thing I would say is 'what goes around comes around' - if you have kids in the near future don't expect any of the family to be putting themselves out to help you.

[BlessedDespair]

AliasNemo The op isn't selfish :-/ SIL is for expecting the op to go over 3 hours out of her way to fetch her dc and then over 3 hours to get back home....

[Hawkmoon269]

I just really want to point out that it's niece. Not neice.

Sorry, pedantic but it was really annoying me. As you were...

[diddl]

The OP selfish??

The child's mother would rather be out with her boyfriend??!!

[YoniMitchell]

YANBU OP, and I think you're getting some really unnecessarily harsh comments here.

It's not compulsory to like children, even nieces/nephews, nor should you be expected to travel for 3hrs after work on a Friday night and have a child to stay over until the next afternoon just because the mother cba and wants to go out with her bf.

Glad your DP is supporting you on this.

[StillSeekingSpike]

'Sfunny that the ultimate insult for women is still 'SELFISH'. Not having children, wanting a quiet time on a Friday night instead of 3 hours on public transport- that all sounds fine to me.
But instead the Op gets threatened with No One Visiting in the Nursing HOme/ No one helping with her children and general bad karma... [shocked]
Yeah- I'm sure this mother is the type to put herself out for other people's children...

[ReflectingKites]

Hawmoon YABVVU for pointing out my spelling error and making me feel like a twat! Shame on you!

Thanks for all of your comments on this MNers! I'll be sure to keep everyone updated on what goes on with this with my niece

[dreamingbohemian]

Obviously there's nothing wrong with not having kids and wanting quiet weekends

I do think the OP and her DP could extend themselves a bit for a niece who's obviously dealing with a pretty dysfunctional life

It doesn't sound like DSIL is constantly asking them for favours, they live hours away.

Rather the OP/DP disapproves of the DSIL lifestyle and choices and so don't want to have any real relationship with her child.

Okay, fair enough. It just seems, I don't know, like a really grumpy way of looking at life, I guess.

[sameoldIggi]

It is somewhat circular to not want the girl to stay because you don't know her, when by not having much to do with her you will never get to know her. By what other women go through, I was referring to how much many women on here do out of love/duty/kindness for family, even when it is not what they most want to do (ever read a Christmas thread?). Taking her might have given the dp's parents a break, if he's not worried about the sister.
And I don't blame you for not being bothered about knowing her, but I do think it is a shame that your dp has no desire to get to know someone who is related to him, yes. Potentially he could have been a good support for her and a good role model. Sounds like she could've done with that.

[babyhmummy01]

I have an aunt who had nothing to do with us as kids and still has relatively little to do with us. I have no issues with this, she doesn't like kids and never has. Her attitude upset my parents but tbh we never knew her as anything other than someone who sent cards at birthdays etc and haven't missed out on anything. There is no way my aunt would have put herself out and nor would my parents have asked or expected her to.

The fact the OP disapproves of the DSIL's lifestyle and dislikes the child (reading her reasons I am not sure I would like her either) is as I have said before irrelevant. The biggest issue is that the journey is unreasonable to ask of anyone esp when the mother is only asking cos she wants to get pissed - I am sorry but as a parent your needs ALWAYS come second to that of your children. I don't blame the OP for a second for not wanting to enable this abusive behaviour of the DSIL.


The OP has clarified that IF it was an emergency then she would gladly do it, but the fact that it is another example of the DSIL farming out her daughter cos she can't be arsed gives her ample reason to refuse.

[QueenofallIsee]

Why are people getting on at the OP for not being keen on a child? Kids are people with personalities some you like, some you don#'t. I have 4 kids and they all have friends round frequently - one of the kids is spoilt, dishonest and whiney..i make no apologies for disliking her regardless of her age. OP has nothing to be ashamed of on that score

[unobtanium]

"In all honesty when I hear anybody talking about having an active dislike of anybody it always makes me think this says far more about their own unpleasant personality than that of the person they profess not to like."

BridgetBridget, what do you mean exactly, by "active dislike"? OP has just said she doesn't like her DN very much... this is not what I would call "active" anything -- it is, technically, the absence of "like" here.

Nor is OP actually planning to "do" anything to manifest her feelings (or lack thereof) towards her niece. She is just not too thrilled, understandably, to put herself out massively for a DN she does not get on with and for her selfish shirker of a mother.

YADNBU, OP, YADNBU!

[sonu678]

how is it a massive favour to look after your own niece?

again. Im very glad my kids dont have people who think like this in their lives

[PeriodMath]

I am still completely gobsmacked that anyone thinks the OP is BU!

Seriously? I don't believe half of you. I think either you're lying or can't read.

Totally on your side OP. The mother is the entitled, selfish madam not you.

[HaveIGotPoosForYou]

Ah okay in that case then, I couldn't bare it either.

If you decide to have a child you have to think about the responsibilities you have decided to have a child and it's not others responsibility to look after them, except as a real favour and not as expected.

However it's not the child's fault she's turned out the way she is. Her Mum palms her off onto her grandparents and probably her friends too, so she only knows what she knows and the only way she probably gets attention is from demanding things/playing up, otherwise she's not noticed iyswim.

But I can understand it's not really your responsibility nor should you have to contend with it if it's not something you feel comfortable with.

Just tell her you aren't able to do it as it's not fair and you don't drive.

If:
--you or your dp drove
--you lived 10 minutes away
--she rarely asked for any help with anything and really needed the favour
--the little girl was a delight and you loved seeing her

then I'd say it'd be a good idea but otherwise, no.

[Belchica]

OP I think YADNBU for all the reasons already mentioned above.

However, I can't stop thinking about your DN. I understand why you don't like her and I've been there myself. One of my DNs at 8yo is a manipulative little madam who eavesdrops on adult conversations, constantly tries to put herself at the centre of everyone's attention, deliberately sabotages things and blames others etc... Liking her all of the time is a challenge. I suspect she is starved of attention by my rather self centred DSIS and DBIL. But she came to stay with me on her own for a few days and was a delight. I saw a totally different side to her and while I still witness her 'challenging' behaviour, I know there's a lovely little girl in there.

Do you think that if DN is away from the selfish mother and indulgent GPs that you might, just might, see a softer side to her. She will have been away from her family for a week sharing attention with other kids at camp and you might glimpse the lovely little girl she could be if only all the adults around her weren't setting such a bad example?

[hermioneweasley]

YANBU. I presume you are sat at home, child free and with wine in hand?

[lordleofric]

we live about 30 miles from Leeds, we don't drive

For this reason alone, YANBU

[Theyoniwayisnorthwards]

I don't understand people who don't like children simply because I've never felt that way and can't relate to it. I don't understand people who like golf either, there's no need to get worked up about it.

I don't think you have any responsibility whatsoever to look after your partner's niece. I also think you probably shouldn't as from your posts it sounds like you would not be able to provide good care for her.

[Theyoniwayisnorthwards]

I don't think the OP is being nasty or selfish, but I wouldn't want her looking after my child.

To her credit she is honest and unapologetic about her values, which are perfectly appropriate for her life.

[sonu678]

I dont understand people who say it isnt the op responsibility. She IS the childs AUNT. fgs. If that doesnt mean she has some share of responsibility then I weep for the children. because kids are not brought up in isolation by a single person who gave birth to them. They do and think and behave from what they see of the world around them. and that means family, and that is what the op is , whether she wants to be or not.

[Cerisier]

I agree with this:

we live about 30 miles from Leeds, we don't drive

For this reason alone, YANBU

DSIL should have thought about how she was going to get DD to and from the course. You don't expect other people to go massively out of their way unless it is an emergency.