to not want neice to stay at ours

[ReflectingKites]

NC because this may identify me and I don't want RL people to read my previous posts.

Right, my neice is at some kind of summer school/camp thing in Leeds Monday to Friday next week. Her mum (DSISIL) is driving her up on Monday morning. She's due to pick her up on Friday but DSISIL is now saying that this will mean she has to take Friday off work and she can't do that (for some reason about not having enough hours and needing to take it as unpaid leave).

So, she suggested that we (that's me and DP, no kids) pick up my our neice on Friday, have her at ours on Friday night and then DSISIL will pick her up on Saturday afternoon.

So you know, we live about 30 miles from Leeds, we don't drive and we don't have children of our own. Neice is 7 years old.

I really don't want this to happen because a) I actually don't like my neice very much, b) I have no idea how to entertain a 7 yo child, and c) I don't want to have my Friday night and Saturday morning taken over my looking after this child. I don't mind DSISIL and her daughter coming over for a bit on Friday evening after she's picked up her daughter.

DP agrees with me but is of the opinion 'what can we do?' because he doesn't want to cause a row with his family. My perspective is that his sister is a selfish cow who continually dumps on people because she can't organise and sort out her own life. If we don't want to look after her daughter over night then we shouldn't feel forced to. If his parents and sister don't like it then fuck 'em. We never ask them to do anything for us that they don't want to and would never dream of it.

AIBU about this? I think I might be being a bit precious about my Friday night but I work fucking hard all week and I resent having part of my weekend stolen!!

Will try to update but my home internet is on the blink (no smartphone!) so it may have to wait until tomorrow.

[Hissy]

I get what you're saying Bridget, but really I am a get on with most people kinda person. There are however some I get on less well with.


A (very) few of those people have been children.

It's not their fault, nor mine, it's a difference in personality.

The most you can do is not make a fuss about any of it and not actively seek out their company, but not shun it either.

OP's dilemma is way bigger than not wanting to do it because she doesn't like the child.

She is entitled to say no, whatever the reason is. From her OP, she has more than enough reason to not want to.

[IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou]

Too many unknowns for me to get judgy

How far away is the mother? Too far to collect her later of Friday night?
Will the mother taking unpaid leave mean she might get sacked or something.
How long would the door to door journey be to collect her?
How much would the journey cost?
Can't the DP do the possibly nightmare journey without OP, saying as it's his sister and he wants to have her?
Do you have a room for the niece to sleep in or is she going to end up on the sofa thereby fucking up your evening?
Do the OP and DP have every weekend off to spend together or is this a rare friday night together?


If DP can collect her, the journey isn't too bad or expensive and you have a room you can shove her in with an iPad and the mother will collect her at a reasonable time on saturday then I would do it. I would also do it if it was an emergency, or something close. If it was going to be a real pita ie hours on different buses etc and only because the mother doesn't want to take leave (rather than can't) then I would say no. If I was your DP though I don't think I would say no, because I like my siblings and want to help them when I can and I would be a bit if DP was arsey about one of my nieces staying for one night. That might not be relevant though, depending on the relationship the DP has and wants with his sister. If it was one of my DPs siblings I would expect him to sort it out.

[Hissy]

SIL has WEEKS until the trip, why can't she put in extra time in the meantime to make up for thé time off she'd need to collect her DD? Why can't she work OT the days the DD is away?

[foreverondiet]

If you had a car then I'd say you sounded mean and selfish and I am glad you aren't my sister in law as all three of my sils looked after my kids sometimes overnight - but the transport bit sounds annoying so I'd say I would do if if she pays for a taxi....the cost will probably put off!

[trackies]

YANBU.

Firstly, 60 mile round trip whether it's good transport links or not is probably at least 2 hour round trip, after work on Friday. Or maybe one of you has to take afternoon off ? It's too much to ask you to do.

Secondly, regarding not liking your niece, that's fine. People dislike people all the time, and for other people to think otherwise is naive. That doesn't mean you are a bully. If you don't like someone, then avoid them if you can. I dislike a 6 year old cos they are nasty to my child. I don't bully her back, but i'm quite keen not to spend anymore time with that child than I have to, which includes babysitting for her. I'm sure you have your reasons for not being keen on her.

[RevoltingPeasant]

OP another factor is how long it would take you to get DNiece back to yours. Let's say the camp finishes at 4.30. If it would be two hours home on public transport, would a 7yo be fed up and knackered?

If you live in York then it would be quite easy, but if you live in a small Dales town like Hubberholme or something, one of those 3-bus-a-day hamlets, then it could be a total nightmare of waiting at busstops, potentially in the rain, bus journeys risking DN being carsick, etc etc.

If you are in that situation I don't think YABU to refuse.

Also don't think YABU to not like a child. Although in your case if I could do the journey, I'd look after her anyway and grit my teeth.

Why don't you like her?

[WorrySighWorrySigh]

YANBU - I suspect that DP's family assume that because you dont have DCs of your own that you dont have anything better to do.

It is also perfectly reasonable to not like other people's children. I dont and I have three of my own!

[twinklyfingers]

Yanbu.

Your niece is not your responsibility. If your SIL can rearrange her work she should, otherwise niece shouldn't go to this camp at all. Putting others out for your child like this is not on. There is also no reason you should like her (I'm sure you don't make this obvious to your niece) or sacrifice a large part of your weekend for this child.

If I was in your SIL's position here I might have described the situation to you to see if you offered help. Then if you didn't I'd have let it go. It is not annoying to me when people do not jump to help with my dd as she is my responsibility - we decided to have her so we are the ones who make sacrifices for her. On the other hand it drives me crazy when relatives bleat about never getting to look after dd and when a situation arises where they could help they look the other way.

[DowntonTrout]

I live about 20 miles from Leeds. The other side of a nearby town.

It would take a good half hour to get to town. Plus another half hour on the train to Leeds. So that's an hour without waiting times and walking between bus and station.

Then once you're in Leeds it depends where she needs to be collected from.

This round trip will take the best part of 3 hours more if she needs to be pickedup from anywhere but the train station in Leeds. Are people really saying that's a reasonable ask? Not to mention hauling an already tired 7 year old, with a case, back on public transport on this journey?

And where is she from that school has broken up already? Or have I misunderstood? If its a school trip - why is she not being taken home?

[HaveIGotPoosForYou]

I personally would love to help out my future niece when she is older (only 1 now) and would go out of my way to help even if I didn't have a little bambino of my own. But then I like kids and I don't work. However my partner would also be willing and he does work.

I don't think it's unreasonable to say no because it's so far away and it wont be easy to get there. Plus, if you don't really know how to deal with kids it can be a bit daunting having one overnight.

You are being pretty mean though to dislike a child. Sure if she acts a bit childish or spoilt that can be annoying but to overtly dislike a child seems very mean. If I was her mother I'd be deeply offended you said that about my daughter.

My suggestions are these:

a) simply state that you aren't able to do this as you don't have good access to public transport.
b) do the above and either leave it to see if she offers to give you money for it/book you a taxi to pick up her daughter or mention this yourself if you are willing to do this.
c) state you are willing to travel up and pick her up if you are willing to and say you are willing to have her at your house for a few hours and she can pick her up after work (say you don't mind having her til 9 or whatever, but you aren't willing to have her overnight).

I am sure you probably can't see why people think you are being mean but you do sound like you are quite hateful and don't like any of your partners family. Surely you can't dislike every single one of them, that's very judgmental?

Although the Mum seems very disorganised and should've thought about the arrangements for this trip before she booked it I don't think it makes her a bad mother or entitled.

[ICantRememberWhatSheSaid]

I think the OP should simply not get involved. If her DP wants to pick up his niece then he can.

[Viviennemary]

I can see the problem about the 30 mile trip if neither of you drives. So that would be grounds to say you can't manage it. I'd also say do it if it wasn't for the quite long journey on public transport.

[Shellywelly1973]

I've only skimmed through this thread but i keep reading the same or similar replies.

I bloody hate people including my family presuming i want to see or spend time with their dc. I have never presumed anyone would want to spend time with my dc.

YANBU. Your sister in law is taking the piss expecting you or your dp to do a 60 mile round trip on public transport. Then expecting you to care for the dc over night.

Theres plenty of time for your sister in law to organise herself...let her get on with it!

[Burmillababe]

I'm really surprised that people think so badly of the OP for not liking her niece - as a pp said, you like some people, and dislike others. Some people don't like children in general. To mention bullying in the same section is harsh.

[diddl]

OP-will you & your OH be on holiday then?

Just wondering why SIL would need time off & OP not?

[DontmindifIdo]

60 miles on public transport on a Friday night after work? God no.

I'd say no, if your DP wants to, that's his choice. I'd arrange a night out with some of my friends and stay over with one of them. Let him pick up his DN and do the running around/looking after her if he's not prepared to say no to his sister. But point out the little girl will need to eat dinner at some point before 7pm, so he'll probably have to feed her on the move.

Poor little girl, that's going to be a long, long day. Can no one else on the trip bring her home?

[crunchbag]

I don't think YABU. Pre children I would have panicked too to have a 7yo over for the night, not knowing what to do with her. Now I would do it no problem for friends and family, even if it involves public transport.

But how well do you know your neice, has she spent time with just you and DP before? Will she be happy spending the night at yours, especially after a busy week away.

I don't think your DSIL is wrong in asking but you are not wrong in saying no.

[BlackeyedSusan]

a sixty mile round trip and looking after a neice could well come to 30 pounds or so of petrol and food, so even if op did have a car, it may not be feasible.

brigit, you said that it was unpleasant to dislike a child, yet you also call some children "horible little bullies" does that make you unpleasant too?

op yanbu. sil needs to go and get her own dd. post it the other way round, as from sil and she would be told to get her own child i think.

[diddl]

Well I do hope that if SIl posted that she couldn't afford the time off & her carless/childless brother & his OH wouldn't help, she would be told to look for alternatives.

[dreamingbohemian]

I think the 30 miles is a red herring.

I say this as a non-driver myself. If the OP wanted to get to something 30 miles away, she would probably at least investigate options before saying flat out no.

Maybe the niece can get a ride to Leeds with someone else on the course. Maybe SIL would pay for a taxi. Maybe the DP knows someone with a car who wouldn't mind a little extra cash and would make a drive.

Maybe the public transport isn't even so bad, 30 miles could just be a 30-minute train ride.

OP -- you don't have to do it if you don't want to. But I think it would be a nice thing to do for family, and you never know when you might need some help in return.

[imademarion]

I suppose it depends what you were planning to do with your Friday night.

If you're out delivering fruit baskets to OAPs, then fair enough.

But if you and her uncle are planning to go drinking and have a lie-in, then would it really kill you to put yourselves out for family? Seven year old girls can be quite good company.

Are you ever planning a family of your own?

You may need a similar favour yourself one day, no harm paying it forward.

[kittykarate]

For me the key things are

• you don't drive so the public transport is a factor
  
• the SIL isn't exactly breaking her neck to pick up her child, suggesting a Saturday afternoon collection
  
• you are not only being asked to sacrifice Friday night, but Saturday morning and some of the afternoon. Or half of the weekend as it's otherwise known.
  

I can't help but feel sorry for the niece who is being fobbed off after her week at camp. I really wanted to be home with my mam after these camps in primary school, as I was generally tired (from dorm room shenanigans and ghost stories) and emotionally stressed out. No matter how nice my auntie or uncle, it still wouldn't be the same as being home in my own bed.

[PeriodMath]

I'd love to see the responses on her to:

"I've booked my child into a camp miles from where I live. In order to collect her at the end of the camp I'd have to take a day's unpaid leave from work. I don't want to do this, obviously. WIBU to ask my SIL to travel 30 miles on public transport to get her for me? Oh, and then have her to stay that night and I'll be over the following afternoon to get her. SIL doesn't have DCs and doesn't seem to like my DD much but still - family should sort this for me, no?"

I can just imagine the responses!

I think people are not being very honest on this thread. Could it be because the OP doesn't have children and has confessed to not liking a child?

[theoriginalandbestrookie]

I feel v sorry for that poor child.

DS is 7 and I can't imagine that he'd be happy going on a residential trip for 5 nights, and then for her mother not to be bothered to make proper arrangements to pick her up but try to foist her on relatives that clearly aren't that bothered about her.

Yes we all have child care emergencies from time to time, but sounds like the DSIL is a bit of a user, therefore i don't think the OP should drop her social calendar for her lack of planning.

Having said that OP I'm left wondering if you are ever planning to have DC. If you do, you hardly ever get any time to yourself and if you go back to work and have a busy week, no one gives a stuff as you still have to be a parent outside of that anyway. I was slightly irked at your "busy, busy week" but then I would have been the same pre DC probably.

[Turniptwirl]

Yanbu

People who drive have no idea how much longer everything takes on even the best public transport

DN will be tired and if you don't like her she may well not like you that much either and may not be thrilled at the prospect of staying over any more than you are.

If she's dying to spend time with your dp and he's happy to do the travel and entertaining then let him, but otherwise politely decline.