Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let dd call my partner daddy?

152 replies

BusyLizzie99 · 26/06/2013 18:28

DP and I met when dd was 18 months, he also has two DDs around her age. They are now all 6/7 and we also have 2 young dc of our own. She started calling him 'daddy his name' after a year but naturally, due to his children calling him it repeatedly she dropped it to just daddy. I corrected her but it stuck and still does, though she is well aware he isn't her father - 'she just loves him' she says. She sees her father twice a month and he breaks promises constantly, only has her when not busy, she isn't ill etc. he's decided he's had enough of dd calling DP daddy and wants me to stop it. However, I think it's up to dd to choose. She knows the realities and chooses to continue to call DP it because he looks after her when ill, collects her from school, goes to school events, reads with her etc. aIBU to not force her to stop?

OP posts:
needaholidaynow · 27/06/2013 15:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

davidjrmum · 27/06/2013 15:43

"justmyview Thu 27-Jun-13 13:54:55 - I think it may be OK for a child to call someone Daddy, so long as they are well aware that it's only a name and they're not under any illusion that that person is in fact their natural father."
So how does that apply to adopted children then? Are you saying that they should only call their adoptive parents mummy and daddy so long as they aren't under the illusion that these people are their natural parents. Surely in this situation "mummy and daddy" aren't just names to these children. Also don't agree that children need to realise that they don't have 2 daddy's. My daughter does have 2 dads and she has a great relationship with both of them. If I had ever split up with my DH she would have been just as upset as my younger children and I can't see how her level of hurt would be any less if she happened to call my DH by his name rather than dad.

needaholidaynow · 27/06/2013 15:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 27/06/2013 15:54

Yes needaholiday I understand that, its up to the family at the end of the day, if they do split up mabey op dp might maintain that father type relationship with te dd if not than the op will have to deal with it ofte time comes. if op gets a new partner that man will just be known by his name not dad. It seems as thugh te littl girl is hurt enough already by her biological dad and if it brings her comfort to call the only man who has acted like a dad to her than so be it.

MummyPig24 · 27/06/2013 16:16

Yanbu. Dh is the only father ds has ever known. His biological father has only seen him about 5 times in 5 years and makes it clear he wants no part in his life. So ds calls dh daddy and they have a great bond. It's up to your dd, she says she loves him and wants to call him daddy so I think she should be allowed.

justmyview · 27/06/2013 16:45

davidjrmum My earlier post was referring to the OP's circumstances.

To answer your question, if a child has been adopted, I think it's entirely appropriate that they would call the adoptive parents "mummy and daddy" and I don't think anyone would discourage that. But I do think that from a young age, the child should be aware of their life story and the existence of their "other mummy and daddy" (or whatever term the adoptive parents choose to use).

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper · 27/06/2013 20:43

Sorry needaholiday but I still think you're projecting your own situation onto the OP's way too much.

What you say makes perfect sense for your set-up and I agree with you.

But I just don't think it applies to the OP's situation which is different in pretty much every circumstance - bar the fact that you're both step-families.

pigletmania · 29/06/2013 17:00

One of my friends had a child by a man who did not want iota dawned er to 'get rid of it', she tried to get him involved but he wanted nothing to do with the baby and they split up before baby was born. She contacted him about te birth and tred to get him involved but as I said he wanted nothing to do with the baby. Therefore te chil has never met his dad or had a relationship with him. This man s merely a sperm donor and not a father, no different really, drop your load and bugger off.

pigletmania · 29/06/2013 17:02

Just because a man helps makes a child des not make him a father. A daddy is the relationship you have with that child

ChasedByBees · 29/06/2013 17:17

Urgh, it's all about him isn't it? You're doing just fine OP.

Sparrowlegs248 · 29/06/2013 17:29

Yanbu. Its up to your daughter. I actually feel very sad that i never got into the habit of calling my step dad 'dad'. He has been in my life since i was almost 4. My actual dad was nowhere to be seen for many years. Actual dad turned back up a few years ago (no hard feelings and all that) and i struggle to call him.dad because he's just not. My step dad gave me away at my wedding last month. :-)

itsonlyapapermoon · 30/06/2013 10:23

My 3 children call my DH "Dad". Their biological father lives at the other end of the country, sees them twice a year and has very little to do with them. Even when we were together, he was far more interested in partying than his kids. When he does come down he drags them round to his friends houses like dolls that he can show off. My DH has been more of a father to them than ex ever was and the kids decided very early on that they wanted to call him Dad. Ex makes the kids call him Dad when he is down, but the kids call him Bleugh when he's not around. DH is the one that nurtures them and cares for them and is involved in their everyday lives, not ex. We never expected kids to call him Dad, they decided that on their own and we're happy for them to do so.

JackieTheFart · 30/06/2013 12:19

I know DH would be really upset if DSS called his stepfather 'dad'. I know his mum has been trying to get him to do this, but he is 12 so it probably doesn't feel right to him.

I'm not sure is my answer! In my family, it would be really upsetting (DSS has already had his surname changed so he 'matches' his mum's new husband and his half brothers) and we only see him twice a month as we have him every other weekend and they live 40 miles away.

And I think probably DH would have words if he overheard DSS calling his stepdad 'dad'. Again, this is personal to our situation, but when you are constantly being pushed to one side as a dad then this feels like the final insult.

Unreasonable maybe.

TroublesomeEx · 30/06/2013 20:19

I think the bottom line is, it is appropriate in some situations/some relationships/some families and not others.

In the situation the OP describes I think it's perfectly fine and makes total sense, in other situations described on here it wouldn't be appropriate.

As is always the case, one size does not fit all.

Kiwiinkits · 01/07/2013 02:16

I think you get what you give. Treat others how you yourself would like to be treated, etc. So if you want your ex to treat you and your DD respectfully the starting point has to be respect for him, DESPITE his behaviour and history. It is very hard to do, but it is the essence of forgiveness. Be the better person: respect your ex's views. Because eventually there will be something that comes up that requires an equally respectful response from him. For example, imagine both her dads walking her down the aisle, with no drama or isshoos in the lead up to the wedding. Imagine that as a gift from you to your DD. Do you want to give that to your DD? Now picture what will be required from ALL her parents to keep the peace in the coming years. I think respecting your ex's wishes about this is one of those things.
I'm siding with CloudsAndTrees. I get where your ex is coming from, and I think you need to start from a position of empathy.

Kiwiinkits · 01/07/2013 02:20

Your DD is 6, she's young and won't take offence. Just say, Daddy likes to be called Daddy Hisname. Can you call him Daddy Hisname from how on?

RealAleandOpenFires · 01/07/2013 04:00

OP...so your ex. doesn't want your DP at sports day?, how sodding petty of the guy (all this is because your DD calls your DP "Daddy"?).

What next...? a court order banning your DP from sports days & your DD ordered not to call your DP "Daddy"?

pigletmania · 01/07/2013 08:15

Totally disagree kwinkits,have you read the rest of ops posts and how shoddily ex treats her dd! You reap wat you sow, op dd is already realising te situation and when she is Oder this may become more apparent. Op has tried with ex, but he keeps letting his dd down time and time again, my dd would come first seeing te disappointment and sadness of her face, my respect for this man would gradually go the more dd gets let down. He as to earn his dd respect sorry, he is the adult here.

pigletmania · 01/07/2013 08:16

Yes ip dd is only 6/7 but she is not silly

pigletmania · 01/07/2013 08:20

Op can try and get her dd to call ex daddy whoever but she cannot force her

exoticfruits · 01/07/2013 08:23

I would just leave it to the child- people alway persist in thinking children silly- they are not.

Original poster
BusyLizzie99 · 03/07/2013 11:37

Kiwi - I disagree that respect for DDs father should override respect for our daughter. Dd believes relationships and feelings are important, not names and labels, and I respect her opinion. Dd and I have a great relationship and if she started calling me a name other than mummy but our relationship was still great, I really wouldn't mind. The problem we have is that DDs father tells her she can only have one daddy and she then proceeds to call DP daddy and her father by his name. If he was more accepting of DPs role in her life then perhaps she would call them both daddy and her father would be marginally happier.

OP posts:
TroublesomeEx · 03/07/2013 12:05

The problem we have is that DDs father tells her she can only have one daddy and she then proceeds to call DP daddy and her father by his name.

This speaks volumes OP. I said upthread that you reap what you sow, and it sounds like it's harvest time for your daughter's father.

If he doesn't like the situation then he should act to change it, not sit at a distance barking order at people and wondering why it's not having any effect.

pinkballetflats · 04/07/2013 10:53

It's interesting how the biological father actually wanted his daughter to call him by his Christian name but has now done a 180 because another man is being called Daddy by his daughter. Again, it smacks of a man who is more interested in his personal image to himself and others than the welfare of his daughter.

While I'm all for coming from a position of empathy, it's all give and take. Where's his empathy? What message would it be giving the daughter if she's made to respect her biological father's wishes when he has no respect at all for hers, or her feelings? He continuously lets her down, he barks orders at her. She's seeing him for what he is and she's supposed to just allow him to treat her like that with no consequence? What message is that sending?

AmyFarrahFowlerCooper · 04/07/2013 11:08

I think you get what you give.

Exactly. And that is why OPs daughter doesn't call her biological dad "daddy" and chooses that name for the man who has given her everything a daddy should. Both are getting what they gave. Funny that.