Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let dd call my partner daddy?

152 replies

BusyLizzie99 · 26/06/2013 18:28

DP and I met when dd was 18 months, he also has two DDs around her age. They are now all 6/7 and we also have 2 young dc of our own. She started calling him 'daddy his name' after a year but naturally, due to his children calling him it repeatedly she dropped it to just daddy. I corrected her but it stuck and still does, though she is well aware he isn't her father - 'she just loves him' she says. She sees her father twice a month and he breaks promises constantly, only has her when not busy, she isn't ill etc. he's decided he's had enough of dd calling DP daddy and wants me to stop it. However, I think it's up to dd to choose. She knows the realities and chooses to continue to call DP it because he looks after her when ill, collects her from school, goes to school events, reads with her etc. aIBU to not force her to stop?

OP posts:
pigletmania · 26/06/2013 20:32

Since dd was 18 months old and she is now 6/7 hehas brought her up,with op of course he is her blooming father fgs! Being a father/mother is not simply about biological relation, but who brings up and nurtures the child, which op dp is doing.

pigletmania · 26/06/2013 20:33

Op ex has not been actively involved in his chids life since she was a baby tats a long time for a child

pigletmania · 26/06/2013 20:37

Op ex can stuff right off, until he takes an active role in his dd life he has no right to dictate. Your dd knows te realities so quite rightly calls the man who is raising her daddy and quite rightly so

needaholidaynow · 26/06/2013 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

foreverondiet · 26/06/2013 21:01

Well sounds like he is being more like a daddy to her than her biological father. He has earned the name out of respect as she loves him. She is big enough to decide what to call him and you shouldn't stop it. Tell your exh that you have asked her to stop but you can't continually enforce it and she is aware that dp is not her biological father.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper · 26/06/2013 21:04

Presumambly, if the OP's ex remarried, and him and his new wife took over all childcare and the OP only saw her DD as and when it suited, she'd make her peace with the fact that someone else was effectively Mummy.

The OP's ex can stand his ground and insist, but he will look unbelievably petty to all concerned, and it won't be many more years before DD can start to grasp all of this with more adult understanding.

None of this makes him look good; not his fecklessness that has got him to this point, and not his whiny insisting.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper · 26/06/2013 21:05

needaholiday - not sure what your situation has got to do with the OP's?

Serialdrinker · 26/06/2013 21:12

So your daughter who is part if a blended family, at 6 years old needs to learn she is different- less part if your unit because a man who she shares DNA with has his pride hurt???? Ok then. To a child the name Daddy is the word for the man who looks after her, gives her her tea bollocks her mops up her puke- convienient (sp) or otherwise, to your DD it has NOTHING to to with her conception and everything to do with her upbringing. Tell your ex that you've been trying to see it from his point of view but frankly you couldn't physically fit your head that far up your own arse. HTH.

Serialdrinker · 26/06/2013 21:16
  • needs commas and such!!!
needaholidaynow · 26/06/2013 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AdmiralData · 26/06/2013 21:20

YANBU. It's a different scenario but my mum met my stepdad when I was 14. My biological father fucked off when I was 7 and never looked back. From the day I met my stepdad he treated me like his own and I've called him Dad ever since. 'Dad' imho is a title that is earned not demanded. I have taken my stepdads name and kept it even though I married as it means that much to me. If it makes your daughter happy and your relationship with dp is stable then crack on :)

CloudsAndTrees · 26/06/2013 21:31

I don't believe you when you say you wouldn't mind if your dd called your ex's new partner 'Mummy'.

You would have to have a heart made of steel for it not to sting even a little bit.

I would also let dd choose, but at 6, I would also let her know gently that because her real Daddy loves her, it might make him feel sad if she calls someone else his name.

Even if her Dad is only a small part of her day to day life, he will always be her Daddy. For the sake of her own self esteem, she needs to grow up knowing that her Daddy loves her enough to be upset if someone else takes her away from him.

pianodoodle · 26/06/2013 21:36

YANBU

I agree with others who have said this man has earned the title - especially as no one made your DD call him Daddy she chose to I think it's lovely :)

It also helps her to not "stand out" as being different from her siblings.

It may hurt your ex's feelings (pride more like) but then it may also confuse/hurt your DD to make her change and address your DP differently.

I say DD's feelings come before a pretty poor show of a "father"

Serialdrinker · 26/06/2013 21:38

Clouds, what about how upset the little girl is/ may be that daddy doesn't bother? It's not fair to put a grown adults emotions on a child in this instance, or is it?

RinseAndRepeat · 26/06/2013 21:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IRCL · 26/06/2013 21:59

I think it is up to your daughter.

My daughter sometimes thinks my partner is her Daddy I do correct her as she is still young and I don't want to have to tell her years down the line he actually isn't.

Instead I tell her that he is like a dad and she can have two daddies one lives with us and the other one doesn't.

Ex doesn't care enough for it to bother him, he barely sees her and even when he does he doesn't really bother...

startlife · 26/06/2013 22:06

My DSD had her dad in her life but when her mum remarried (& had other dc) the stepdad was also supposed to be called daddy.DSD's mum also wanted her to take stepfathers surname.All the same reasons were given as in this situation..DSD wanted it, he had earned the right, no issue with calling 2 men daddy.

The marriage broke up after 8 years and DSD has no contact with step dad (even though her half siblings do).DSD is now a teen and is so grateful that she didn't change surnames or introduce him to friends as daddy.It would have made a bad situation much much worse.

The difficulty is that no one knows what will happen in the future, ime teens don't want 2 daddies, they can cope with having a step dad and dad.Its very common by the time they reach secondary school.

I think professionals recommend the approach of stepfather and dad rather than 2 dads as children can cope with the differences.

nkf · 26/06/2013 22:12

She wants to call him the same name as the other children in the house. Totally understandable. Don't ask her not to. She is probably capable of holding the idea of two daddies in her mind.

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 26/06/2013 22:14

Sounds to me like he's earns that name and deserves to keep it

pigletmania · 26/06/2013 22:24

Clouds what planet are you on? The man who is raising her is her daddy, the man who reads her stories, who looks after her when she is I'll, who gies to all her events, who loves and cares fr her every day, not the Surrey excuse who comes into her life when it's convenient for him, who oes nt want her wen she is I'll. This man s her biological father, not te man op dd calls daddy. Chidren are not stupid, and at 6/7 she will kno what t situation is nd I'll realise it more as she gets older

AmyFarrahFowlerCooper · 26/06/2013 22:28

Even if OP was annoyed at her dd calling her stepmum "mummy" that would be with considerable more reason considering this hypothetical woman would not have raised the dd from 18 months and would presumably only see her twice a month along with bio dad. Its not a similar situation at all so it seems a bit silly to throw that at her. This man has raised this little girl. Hypothetical stepmum wouldn't have done.

frogspoon · 27/06/2013 06:42

OP, you mentioned that your DP has two DDs as well. Who do they live with, what do they call you, and what do they call their biological mother?

If they live with you the majority of the time, do they call you mummy?

Tanith · 27/06/2013 07:02

Rinseandrepeat, do you mean that the posters who flamed you have now changed their opinion?

I can't see the problem, to be honest. I do agree it should be the child's decision. Being made to call her stepfather a different name to the other children will cause a lot of harm - does her biological father want that?

RedHelenB · 27/06/2013 07:03

I know lots of adults who had great step fathers that they saw a lot of & who brought them up but they didn't call them dad as at the end of the day he wasn't. Just like a lot of kids brought up by grandmothers don't call them mum!

ChipsNEggs · 27/06/2013 07:03

Just as an aside for the poster who says that the absent parent has to suck it up, remember not all parents are absent by choice. In my experience its a 50/50 split on who breaks up a relationship.

My good friends wife had an affair, chucked out my friend to move her new bloke in and obstructs access. But he's lost the right to be 'daddy' nice.