To let dd call my partner daddy?

[BusyLizzie99]

DP and I met when dd was 18 months, he also has two DDs around her age. They are now all 6/7 and we also have 2 young dc of our own. She started calling him 'daddy his name' after a year but naturally, due to his children calling him it repeatedly she dropped it to just daddy. I corrected her but it stuck and still does, though she is well aware he isn't her father - 'she just loves him' she says. She sees her father twice a month and he breaks promises constantly, only has her when not busy, she isn't ill etc. he's decided he's had enough of dd calling DP daddy and wants me to stop it. However, I think it's up to dd to choose. She knows the realities and chooses to continue to call DP it because he looks after her when ill, collects her from school, goes to school events, reads with her etc. aIBU to not force her to stop?

YANBU its up to your daughter and not something for her father to dictate for his own emotional wellbeing. He's the adult and he needs to deal with it, not her.

I've told him he's upsetting her but he says I'm upsetting him!? You can see her looking at DP and the other dcs and thinking a lot after she returns from contact, he's mind games are so unfair and unwarranted. If we were trying to replace him with DP then I'd understand his issue, but we promote him, don't bad mouth him despite dd asking awkward questions (I.e if he promises things but never does them, doesn't that make him a liar?) and actively encourage more contact and responsibility. It frustrates me that he can't comprehend that dd having lots of people that love her is a good thing and that she isn't his possession.

His, not he's!

He's feeling very powerless and is trying to assert some authority.

He needs to wise up because your daughter won't thank him for his behaviour in the future.

Yes, FolkGirl, he hates the lack of control. It's ironic as he doesn't discipline her or have rules like we do, yet she resents being told what to do regarding the names but not what to do in general by us.

Last time he collected her he heard her say his name in the back garden before he knocked on the door and came storming in with a face like thunder, glared at me, spoke to dd sternly etc. dd looked worried/scared/guilty and shouldn't have to feel that way IMO.

That's so sad :( he sounds awful. Especially the way he cares more about himself being upset than your dd.

My goodness op he sounds likeable prize knob, no wonder dd calls your dp her daddy, he is! She is understanding te way that he treats her is bad and knows the situation. Chips n egg, op ex is totally different, it does not sound like he is pushed out at all but makes no effort. A good father will fight for their child and make every effort for them, which is not happening here. They will not let them down and be an active parent in tat child's life. One day dd may refuse to see her actual father a few years down the line, and op would be well with her rights tomsupportbther her dd

The child's feelings are paramount, not op r her ex

It takes far more than biology to be a decent parent.

Let your DD call your DP what she wants.

Also your ex us a vile prick who sees his daughter as little more than a mirror for his in personal validation

As someone else said...he's reaping what he's sowing.

Further to my 'as you sow, so shall you reap' comment...

I'd like to add the story of the wind and the sun. And substitute 'stronger' for 'daddy'.

A lot of his thread is opinionating about what makes a father and who is deserving of the title Dad. I could add mine (as an adoptive mum I think it should be obvious what I think!)

But the thing is, actually that's all up to the individual person. One person thinks a Dad can only be biological, another thinks x or z. Well, it's up to the individual person to define what father and Dad mean to them. And then assign a title/name to their own father/s accordingly.

The individual person in this case is the DD. It's up to HER to define what 'father' means to her and it's up to HER to define 'Dad'. It doesn't matter one bit what ANY of her parents think. Besides, does anyone really think that her opinion would change if she was forced to change what she says? I suspect she would just be very angry and resentful.

If she has defined Dad as the man who is there for her 100% every day, then of course Dad is the appropriate title for Op's DP

If anyone personally disagrees with the DD's definition of Dad - fine...don't call your own stepfather 'Dad' then! You wouldn't appreciate anyone telling you what to call your own family. So don't imply that someone else's choices are wrong when actually there is no blanket wrong or right, only what is right for each individual person, And clearly, 'Dad' is right for this DD.

My daughter is 26 and has always called my DH dad - we've been together since she was about a year old. This is despite the fact that she has an excellent relationship with her "real" dad - he's always been a fantastic, very involved dad but has never at any point had an issue with my daugher calling my DH dad and my in-laws nanna and grandpa. I think it would have made her feel completely the odd one out if she used a different name for my in-laws and my DH than her siblings. There is occasionally confusion when she is talking about "dad" and people don't know which one she is talking about but she just corrects them, e.g. not daddy x, I mean daddy y.

Exactly lilka, what op dd defines as dad sthe mst important. Obviously to op dd, a dad is not just about biology, but te man who loves and cares for her everyday without conditions, and who cares for her.

Yanbu if it works for you and dd.
For me personally I couldn't let my dd call anyone else other than her biological dad"daddy" even if he is a useless good for nothing twunt.
My dp is a brilliant role model for her and everything you would expect in a step parent(still early days mind) what his title is to her doesn't make her love him any more or less imo,
You only have one dad but can have many great role models that are not even step parents.

I had a step dad who I called dad from the age of 6 up until he left my mum as a young adult and now he doesn't exist in my life.his choice but even then he stop doing dad role when we all became teens .
My biological 'dad ' died when I was young and I'd rather have kept it that way if that makes sense.

You might like to look at Erik Erikson's theory of psychosocial development especially stage 5. It's very important for a child to have a proper understanding of the true identity, before they reach that milestone.

I think it may be OK for a child to call someone Daddy, so long as they are well aware that it's only a name and they're not under any illusion that that person is in fact their natural father. Please don't flame me for saying Daddy is "only a name" - I understand it's the person who puts you to bed, looks after you etc. The point I'm making is that the child needs to distinguish between their actual father (however perfect or otherwise) and the father figure

My DD calls DH by a diminutive of his name (think 'Rob' = 'Robbie') and is the only one 'allowed' to do so. She refers to him as her Daddy though and sometimes calls him that too.

She's known him since she was 2.5 and her biological father, with whom we lived until shortly before then, had never once bathed her, taken care of her, cooked for her - even minded her while I grabbed a shower!

Bio father, who she sees, reluctantly, once a month, is referred to as 'Papa' (his nationality's name for 'Dad') and as far as she's concerned she has two Dads.

She's worked all this out for herself and I'm happy to let her get on with it. If in the unlikely event he manages to find himself someone who'll put up with him a girlfriend, she'd see right through any attempts to make her call them 'Mummy'.

Fathers who act like twunts, swoop in and play the Disney dad bit occasionally really do get what they deserve. Of course your dh is the most important man in her life.

Children are perfectly capable of figuring out the fact that they have 2 dads in their lives, especially if they are surrounded by adults who listen to the child's needs and act accordingly - ie respecting child's POV, answering questions from a neutral standpoint, explaining in age appropriate terms.

If one biological parent is being a complete taunt though, exactly how helpful is it to insist that the child calls this twunt Daddy if they don't want to. How helpful is it to force a child to deny what their own instincts are telling them? To do so is to tell the child that they can't trust their perceptions of the world; that their inner voice us wring - which is just as damaging as kyibg to a child and nite allowing them to know and explore the truth if their origins.

Well if both partner and dd are happy with it, which seems to be te case than thats fine. Op has told her dd that ex is her biological dad, but I guess tat means nothing to her if he lets her down and messes her about. Op partner has been a constant in her life for 4.5 years, this is quite. Long time in a child's life.