Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let dd call my partner daddy?

152 replies

BusyLizzie99 · 26/06/2013 18:28

DP and I met when dd was 18 months, he also has two DDs around her age. They are now all 6/7 and we also have 2 young dc of our own. She started calling him 'daddy his name' after a year but naturally, due to his children calling him it repeatedly she dropped it to just daddy. I corrected her but it stuck and still does, though she is well aware he isn't her father - 'she just loves him' she says. She sees her father twice a month and he breaks promises constantly, only has her when not busy, she isn't ill etc. he's decided he's had enough of dd calling DP daddy and wants me to stop it. However, I think it's up to dd to choose. She knows the realities and chooses to continue to call DP it because he looks after her when ill, collects her from school, goes to school events, reads with her etc. aIBU to not force her to stop?

OP posts:
TroublesomeEx · 27/06/2013 07:03

I don't think the question of how you would feel if she started calling a new partner of her father 'mummy' is relevant here tbh.

She lives with you and your partner, and her step/half siblings and this is the only family she has really known since being 18 months old.

She has sporadic and unreliable contact with her father. He is her father, but does not behave like her daddy.

To put this into some context.

My husband and I are separated. We have two children. One is his biologically, the other is my son from a previous relationship. My son has never met his biological father, although he knows about him and refers to him by his first name if he ever asks about him (which is incredibly rare). My stbxh were together from my son being around 12 months old and my stbxh is most definitely his 'dad'. And always will be.

Were either of us to meet someone else know, even to live with someone/remarry that person might 'technically' be a step parent, but would never be 'mum' or 'dad' to either child.

If the OP's ex is so bothered about being usurped in the role of 'dad' perhaps he ought to behave a bit more like one, then his daughter wouldn't feel the need to find a daddy in someone else, rather than trying to dictate the words that a small child can use when they make sense to her. (hope that last bit makes sense, it's early!!)

TroublesomeEx · 27/06/2013 07:04

someone else now

Nanny0gg · 27/06/2013 07:46

The one doing the 'job' is the one deserving of the name.

And that's how the child sees it.

TroublesomeEx · 27/06/2013 07:48

EXACTLY NannyOgg

That's what I was trying to get at, but it's still sooo early!

pigletmania · 27/06/2013 07:49

Red some of them do, it's what te child feels happy with, as this man is helping to tpraise her he is dad to her. She is a child you cannot put adult thinking onto a child. This is the man looking after me therefore he is dad kind of thing. What sh calls him when she is older is up to her. Op dd is beginning to relies her biological sad keeps letting her down and breaking promises. This man has raised her for most of her life, I I were in op place I wold support my dd. also all other children in the house are calling op dp dad, yes I know he's their bio dad and all that, but it would mark her out as different if she was made to call him something else and I feel cause more problems.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper · 27/06/2013 07:50

Clouds - any woman marrying the OP's ex would need to have full time care of the OP's DD for the situation to be in any way comparable.

Of course it would sting for the OP to have her DD call someone else Mummy - of course it would?! Which is probably why the OP makes so damn sure that she actually acts, behaves, cares and loves like a proper Mum.

Here's no danger of anyone actually stepping up to the plate and doing a way better job of being a Mum than her, is there?

pigletmania · 27/06/2013 07:51

Totally different if her bio dad was active and involved in dd upbringing but he's not, he wants the title without the responsibility

TroublesomeEx · 27/06/2013 07:51

Father/mother describe the biology and nothing is going to change that.

Mummy/daddy are names for the people bringing you up

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper · 27/06/2013 07:52

Exactly. ^^

pigletmania · 27/06/2013 07:56

The same could be said of adoptive parents, tey have no biology to the child, but tey are raising tem and shaping th people they become therefore they are mum and dad. I have read that some kids raised by grandparents do call them mum and dad. I think it helps the child apply consistency to teir situation

TroublesomeEx · 27/06/2013 07:58

Yes piglet.

wickeddevil · 27/06/2013 08:00

Hi Buzy

I just wondered what your DP's DC think about this?

On the whole I would suggest it is your DDs choice, but their feelings re owning their Dad might need to be considered.

FWIW I was adopted by an aunt and uncle aged about 7. I chose to call them Mum and Dad (DPs were dead), because that's what everyone else called the adults they lived with and I didn't want to be different. It wasn't because we had a good relationship.

Your DD sounds like she has a good relationship with your DP, but is it still possible that she doesn't want to be different from her step siblings?

Eyesunderarock · 27/06/2013 08:04

I think that the child is old enough to choose what to call the people in her life. OP is right, it's about the relationship and the feelings, not the words.
She knows who is her biological father and who is not, and she is a person in her own right.

DragonMamma · 27/06/2013 08:04

My DD is almost 6, my dh has been in her life for over 4 years. Her bio dad doesn't have any contact with her so she's always called my DH daddy - he is the one that loves her, takes her to school, hugs her when she's upset and she just naturally started calling him Daddy.

I'd never correct her, he IS her daddy, if not her biological father.

exoticfruits · 27/06/2013 08:07

I would leave it entirely up to the child - she knows the situation- she knows who feels the father- it isn't as if she is being kept in the dark.

TroublesomeEx · 27/06/2013 08:07

That is absolutely correct Dragon.

If it looks like a daddy, sounds like a daddy and behaves like a daddy, then it's a daddy.

Having the ability to impregnate someone and then not taking responsibility afterwards does not a daddy make.

pigletmania · 27/06/2013 08:10

Op has explained te situation to her dd, so has been open and honest with her, but despite this dd wants to call dp daddy so let her. Exactly Dragon, it takes mre tan beings sperm donor to be a dad, some men are just tat, they do their bit than leave

pigletmania · 27/06/2013 08:11

I agree folk, somestepfathers are absolutely wonderful, if step dc want to recognise that it's up to them

Eyesunderarock · 27/06/2013 08:25

The adults need to get a grip and remember they are adults.
If she wants to call her stepfather Daddy, then she should. If she changes her mind and wants to revert, then she should be able to do that too.
Part of the way that children learn to be secure and feel loved and loveable is to test and experiment within the boundaries they have. The adults in her life should be able to be mature enough to let her do so, and reassure her that the relationship will endure whatever the name. Although the boundaries also include what's appropriate and reasonable, so Daddythewanker is out, as is SpermDonor.
Feelings may be hurt and noses may be put out of joint, but the child wellbeing and security should matter more than the adults' needs.

Original poster
BusyLizzie99 · 27/06/2013 09:47

Thanks for your replies. I disagree about telling her that her father is upset about her calling DP daddy and agree that adult feelings shouldn't be put on her. Her father makes it clear to her he dislikes DP, hates her calling him daddy and tells her that he and his parents (who treat her as a grandchild) are only the other children's family, but not hers which I think is incredibly cruel of him. When we were married he taught her to call him by his first name instead of daddy as he is a dick wanted to 'be her mate' then when she started calling DP daddy he demanded she call him it and not DP. He pretty much blackmailed her into it - I.e if you don't call me daddy, you can't have xyz and she still calls him by his first name when at home with us which he hates. He repeatedly refers to himself as her father/daddy and calls her by her surname and her siblings by their full names to point out that they are different.

DP, on the other hand, gives her love and affection with no conditions. He does sweet things like leave her notes/pictures if he has to leave for work early and not see her. She was in a show and DP took her her favourite flowers on her first night, her father went to watch (with tickets I'd bought him otherwise he wouldn't have bothered) and embarrassed her by calling her by her surname repeatedly then told her afterwards about the holiday he was going on which he hadn't even considered taking her on nor the contact he will miss. He repeatedly tells me 'I am her father, I will always play a big part in her life' etc but its all about HIS rights as opposed to her needs/wants.

The other children have always known dd to call DP daddy and have no problem with it. They call me Mama and that's fine with my dd too. I agree that dd calling her fathers girlfriend mum is different as she only sees her twice per month and plays no part in her upbringing (though ex did buy her a card/flowers/handbag etc for her from dd for Mother's Day...!) but like I said - it really wouldn't matter to me if dd called her mum, if she chose to. The problem is, ex proposes that he acts in a tit for tat way and now encourages dd to call his girlfriend mum. This is different as dd wouldn't have chosen it, but I've let her know that I'll never be cross about it. I have considered the point about what if DP and I split carefully. Obviously DP and I will be linked by our biological dc and he's said he'd still want to see dd. I know that can change, but I wouldn't have allowed dd to become so attached if I wasn't 100% sure about him and our relationship. In my opinion, marriages with two biological parents can break down and one parent can become absent - it doesn't mean you stop them becoming attached just in case. Yes they'd still have a legal responsibility in that case, but to decent people like my DP moral responsibilities are just as (if not more) important.

OP posts:
Original poster
BusyLizzie99 · 27/06/2013 09:53

Eyes - I've told her she can revert to calling DP his name and no one would be cross, or that she can pick a new name for him and everything else would still be the same and she would still be just as loved. However, she wants to keep him as daddy and just feels as though calling him something else wouldn't make sense - I.e she would constantly be saying to younger dc 'shall we go and see your daddy?' And therefore setting herself apart as different. Yes, she does want to be the same as the other children which I think is pretty natural and not necessarily a bad thing. She is just being made to feel conscious of it constantly during contact as her father won't let her talk about DP unless she uses his name and if she forgets and calls him daddy he gets angry with her and rants about how he isn't her family, how only me, him and dd have the 'same blood'(!) etc.

OP posts:
Eyesunderarock · 27/06/2013 09:56

He sounds unpleasant, manipulative and egocentric. It's a good thing that you and your DP are there for balance and that your love is unconditional.

TroublesomeEx · 27/06/2013 09:59

There's a little phrase that springs to mind with regards to your ex

As you sow, so you shall reap.

My stbxh is like your DP regarding the moral responsibilities. He has no legal obligation to contribute to the upbringing of my son now we are separated, but as far as we are both concerned, he has two children. He has equal contact with both of them and pays equal maintenance.

Your daughter has the right to feel safe and secure in her family and within her family home and it's tough shit on any adults who feels their nose has been pushed out of joint!

Original poster
BusyLizzie99 · 27/06/2013 10:02

He is unpleasant. I feel he continues to see dd because he likes the attention she brings him/the gossip our conflict re:calling DP daddy gives him. My mum is mentally ill and we have no contact and he constantly asks dd where my mum is to provoke awkward questions as well as inferring that I'm mentally ill. He has now had the cheek to demand DP does not attend sports day as he is planning to attend. This is the first event he's attended in her year of nursery school and two years of primary, DP has been there for everything and dd came home asking him to get time off for sports day - she didn't even consider that her father might go. Dd won't talk to her father much when DP is there and her father says that's because we've 'brainwashed' her. He has no grasp of the fact that his bad attitude towards DP is what causes the awkward atmosphere.

OP posts:
TalkativeJim · 27/06/2013 10:06

'though ex did buy her a card/flowers/handbag etc for her from dd for Mother's Day...!'

Sad twat.

He's reaping what he has sown.

Tell him that, and also warn him that all he's going to do by creating a fuss and upsetting your DD is to sow more.

If he wants his 'rights' and 'position' as a dad to be for him alone, then tell him to work to earn that. It's in your daughter's gift, it isn't something that can be forced... and his approach is only going to see him pushed aside even more as your daughter realises where his priorities lie, and chooses to spend even less time being manipulated by a selfish man and more with those who put her needs first.

Yup, I'm sure if you saw her twice a month and let her down even over that, she probably would end up calling another woman Mummy...

Swipe left for the next trending thread