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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to give DP proposal ultimatum?

171 replies

justhayley · 24/06/2013 23:53

Horrible title but.... iv been with DP for 8 1/2 years I'm almost 30 and we have a 15 month old DS. DS wasn't planned (but very much wanted & loved) however ideally I didn't want children until I was married.
I really think DP should be proposing. We've spoken about marriage but when it comes to this subject we both seem pretty crap at communicating.
DP has never said he doesn't want to marry me but after this long and a baby I'm starting to wonder what the hell he's waiting for.
He's in he military and 2 years ago said once he finishes his training we would get engaged. His training finished a year ago and still I don't feel like he's even planning to ask me. In a way I feel like he lead me on a bit.

I don't want him to feel pressured to propose - I want him to do it because he wants to. Evertyime i decide to talk to him about ut i feel like im pressuring him and it makes me feel crap.
However In a way I feel like I also don't want to waste anymore time with someone who just may never ask.
Marriage is important to me, I'm the only person out of all my friends thy isn't marries or engaged and iv been with DP the longest.
His most recent excuse is Money. I'm not buying it. Yes we are not rolling in it and do not have enough cash for a big dream wedding and a
tiffany engagement ring, but we are not so hard up we couldn't pull something lovely
together without going into masses of debt or breaking the bank. I want a marriage not a wedding.

I'm feeling a bit torn should I consider leaving DP and eventually finding someone to be with that wants marriage, start putting some pressure and ultimatums on him, or just stay in what is actually a happy relationship, but risk never getting married & ending up resenting him for it.
What do you think?
Opinions please x

OP posts:

noddyholder · 26/06/2013 07:11

Agree with Nooka re proposal. Just say lets do it.

samandi · 26/06/2013 08:37

It seems incredibly daft to split up when you have a kid and a happy relationship

msrisotto · 26/06/2013 08:44

Yeah, if its only important to you then you should just put up and shut up obviously

flowery · 26/06/2013 09:47

"It seems incredibly daft to split up when you have a kid and a happy relationship"

Well, yes and no. My personal view is that if the OPs DH is not prepared to give the OP the extra financial and other protection she'd get as a Forces wife that she won't get as a partner, then perhaps the relationship isn't actually as happy as all that.

If he has ideological objections to the concept of marriage, and was also prepared to make legal arrangements to increase her protection as far as possible (bearing in mind that in their circumstances it could never be equal protection), then I'd probably agree with you.

Thurlow · 26/06/2013 10:27

It's a shame you gave your DS your fathers name when he was registered. In your shoes, I would have given him my own name then when he queried or disputed it I would have said innocently 'but we're not married, so of course he has to have my name. But when we get married we'll have his name changed by deedpoll straight away'! I bet that would've focused the mind. I don't know whether to say or

LEMisdisappointed · 26/06/2013 11:55

We aren't married dd has my name having his was never a consideration

Miamiami · 26/06/2013 12:27

I dont believe in long engagements or long periods of time before marriage. But thats my thoughts on the matter.
If two people love each other the same, then they would be desperate to be together. Not have to negotiate and thrash out a deal.
OP the main issue here is that YOU feel marriage IS important.
To me if he was really into you he would have proposed LONG before now. Sorry but thats the truth.
Ultimatims of any description to me are a HUGE no no. They should not be necessary at all if you are BOTH in love. It would be like begging him to marry you. Why would you lower yourself to do that?

TheCraicDealer · 26/06/2013 12:32

YY Flowery.

Original poster

justhayley · 01/07/2013 23:15

Hi all,
Just wanted to give you all an update.
Had a brief convocation with DP about marriage this weekend - although we had a million things going on so it was interrupted & not finished :( Next weekend my mums taking DS so we can have a date :) I plan to get to the bottom of things then.
I began by asking about DPs honest feelings towards marrying me and told him I want the truth not a version of it that he thinks will save me from hurt etc. He said he does want to Marry me but doesn't see it happening for another 3 years or so when his finances are sorted out!

Im honestly not sure if that's a good enough answer for me especially as he told me two years ago we would get engaged last year! If I wait another 3 and it still doesn't happen I'm in the same situation as I am now.

This thread has helped me loads - its cemented the fact that marriage is a deal breaker for me and I really will have to walk away if it's not on the cards and soon. I think 12/13 years in a relationship without marriage & with a child is ridiculous if marriage is something both people say they want.

The conversation unfortunately didn't get any further. I'm going to explain to him just how important marriage is to me, & find out what he thinks will be different in 3 years time.
I guess when I get the answers I need I can make a decision .

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 01/07/2013 23:22

Ok,there is your answer.hes stalling you,he doesn't want to get married
You two have a significant crossroad in your relationship.you want marriage,he doesn't
I'd have the cards on table conversation within next day,you can't stall either

Miamiami · 01/07/2013 23:23

OP thank you for updating. I really hope things work out for you, and you get everything sorted.

FairPhyllis · 02/07/2013 00:27

I'm afraid he's just given you your answer - he doesn't want to marry you. scottishmummy is right, he's stalling you. What on earth could be that much different in 3 years' time?

I'm glad you've got clarity on what you want from a relationship - and FGS don't make any more sacrifices for someone who isn't willing to give you the kind of relationship you want.

Snazzywaitingforsummer · 02/07/2013 00:36

Yes, stalling unfortunately. Tell him what you said here, you want a marriage not a wedding and you are happy to have a modest ceremony and a meal where everyone pays their own way afterwards etc, rather than have it impact in finances, so there is no need for a 3 year delay. Look him straight in the eye. Don't let him mess you about anymore.

Original poster

justhayley · 02/07/2013 23:13

Thanks girls. I agree he's stalling. Scottishmummy he's not home during the week so unfortunately I'll have to wait till the weekend.

OP posts:

mumofweeboys · 03/07/2013 08:11

I may be wrong but I dont think u will be entitled to his pension should the worse happens.

Also if he does get a foreign posting you will need to be married. When my dh got posted we had a mad scramble to get married and it still took the army 6months to sort out married quaters so I xoupd join him. I hated the fact when will just lived together that if something happened to him, his mum would know first then ring me.

He is saying three years, well I would say I want to be engaged now with ring and tell everyone - agree a date and book a venue, saying that way u can put aside a small amount each month.

Original poster

justhayley · 04/07/2013 20:57

Mumofthreeboys lol that's actually a really great idea. Ideally I wouldn't want a long engagement & don't want to wait 3 years to be married but it is a good compromise.

One of my big worries is having to hear the worst through his mum. We don't have much of a relationship and she has a history of keeping serious things from me. (DP got taken into hospital with a serious tropical disease while I was on holiday a few hers back and she didn't tell me - when I called him she answered his phone & said he left it at her house)!!!!

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 04/07/2013 21:22

Gosh I don't understand such behaviour,your her son partner.
that means something and certainly deserves courtesy of good manners
It's all sad

Pimpf · 04/07/2013 21:24

Totally agree with mumof, if anything happens to him, you and your child Re entitled to nothing. Being married would mean that you have some kind of protection and support.

Obviously that's not the only reason to get married but its certainly a good one

yetanotherstatistic · 04/07/2013 23:00

My stbxh married me because he felt it was the right thing to do because of our child. He let me believe that he wanted to get married, that he loved me and wanted a future together. None of which was true and he was never committed to the marriage. He had a number of affairs looking for the real Miss Right until he eventually walked out on us. The pain he has put us through has been horrendous.

Never get married to someone who isn't fully committed from the start. If he hasn't asked you to marry him so far he isn't realistically going to unless forced into it. Being Forces he has fewer excuses for not appreciating the impact not being married has on you and your child.

It's a tough situation to be in.

Flyingtree · 30/07/2013 19:51

If you're military, aren't there several very essential practical reasons for being married? Not least your benefits regarding housing, pensions, etc as a forces wife.

Now normally I don't condone marrying for anything other than pure romance! But in this instance, being a military wife means you get far greater 'aftercare' doesn't it?

CheeseFondueRocks · 30/07/2013 20:12

Aren't you trying for DC2? Is that not silly when you are questioning your whole relationship, OP?

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