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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to give DP proposal ultimatum?

171 replies

justhayley · 24/06/2013 23:53

Horrible title but.... iv been with DP for 8 1/2 years I'm almost 30 and we have a 15 month old DS. DS wasn't planned (but very much wanted & loved) however ideally I didn't want children until I was married.
I really think DP should be proposing. We've spoken about marriage but when it comes to this subject we both seem pretty crap at communicating.
DP has never said he doesn't want to marry me but after this long and a baby I'm starting to wonder what the hell he's waiting for.
He's in he military and 2 years ago said once he finishes his training we would get engaged. His training finished a year ago and still I don't feel like he's even planning to ask me. In a way I feel like he lead me on a bit.

I don't want him to feel pressured to propose - I want him to do it because he wants to. Evertyime i decide to talk to him about ut i feel like im pressuring him and it makes me feel crap.
However In a way I feel like I also don't want to waste anymore time with someone who just may never ask.
Marriage is important to me, I'm the only person out of all my friends thy isn't marries or engaged and iv been with DP the longest.
His most recent excuse is Money. I'm not buying it. Yes we are not rolling in it and do not have enough cash for a big dream wedding and a
tiffany engagement ring, but we are not so hard up we couldn't pull something lovely
together without going into masses of debt or breaking the bank. I want a marriage not a wedding.

I'm feeling a bit torn should I consider leaving DP and eventually finding someone to be with that wants marriage, start putting some pressure and ultimatums on him, or just stay in what is actually a happy relationship, but risk never getting married & ending up resenting him for it.
What do you think?
Opinions please x

OP posts:
saintmerryweather · 25/06/2013 08:01

why cant you ask him? are you expecting him to make grand gestures when he does?

TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong · 25/06/2013 08:01

Fast forward. You leave him because he wouldn't marry you.

Do you really care so little for him?

KittensoftPuppydog · 25/06/2013 08:02

You have every right to want to get married. It really is more than a bit of paper. Just talk to him. Some men need a bit of pointing in the right direction.

swallowedAfly · 25/06/2013 08:04

i think you feel embarrassed talking about it because you know he does see it as pressure and you know he doesn't really want it. so it's 'embarrassing' trying to make him.

just talk about it frankly - as in i really want to get married because of reasons x, y and z can you explain why it is that you don't want to even though you know it is important to me? just be down to earth and clear in your wants and whys and ask him to do the same. you need a proper non coy conversation if this is so important to you.

frankly though it clearly isn't to him and you're not going to get the one knee spontaneous proposal and imagine getting a proposal after you had given an ultimatum?!? would hardly feel nice realistically.

you need a really honest conversation.

whitewineandchocolate · 25/06/2013 08:11

I think you should ask him. It means a lot to you and shouldn't really be a big deal for your partner if he knows it is what you want. But do pick the right time, when you are both relaxed etc.

justmyview · 25/06/2013 08:13

Instead of an ultimatum "Propose to me or else", I think a sensible conversation about "what the future holds" would be better

kungfupannda · 25/06/2013 08:16

Stop focussing on getting him to propose. That's not what marriage is about. It seems like you want him to make that gesture to prove he cares about you. If you can't be sure about that after all this time together and a child, then you have bigger problems than his unwillingness to walk down the aisle with you.

I don't believe marriage is necessary. DP and I are happily unmarried after nearly 13 years together and 2 children. We have all our finances and legal arrangements in place. After all this time, people are always going on at us about getting married. We both feel that, for a lot of people, marriage is something that they feel they are expected to do, not necessarily something that comes from a deep, fundamental need to be married. That's obviously not always the case, but there does often seem to be an element of what everyone else expects of a couple, and not what a couple expects of their own relationship. There still seems to be a bit of "ooh, I wonder why he won't marry her?"

You need to ask yourself whether marriage is so fundamentally important to you (why? moral reasons? religious reasons? security?) that you would rather be married to someone else than unmarried with this man, or whether you just feel that he loves you less than your friends' husbands love them in some way.

CaterpillarCara · 25/06/2013 08:16

With the way the law stands, rightly or wrongly, you are better protected if you are married. You need to know what he is scared of - is it the commitment or is it the big ceremony / fuss.

2rebecca · 25/06/2013 08:20

I agree with threebeeone gee. We aren't living in the 1950s. Women are supposed to be equal. What is with the "waiting for a proposal" crap.
We just discussed marriage and agreed when to marry and what sort of wedding, a discussion topic like any other.
I wouldn't have have had kids without the framework of marriage and women definitely shouldn't give up their financial independance to support a man without the legal framework of marriage.
For me it's something you discuss when you move in together.

LisaMed · 25/06/2013 08:31

Urgentest - get the legals in place. Wills, pensions, etc

in worst case scenario if he were hit by a bus today you would have nothing. If he won't commit to at least the legals then there are bigger problems.

To those who say that 'why leave over a piece of paper' I would suggest that this is a question of him ignoring your feelings about something that is important to you. It could be a question of him leaving you high and dry without the legals. iirc Lee Rigby's fiancee got nothing. It all went to the estranged wife. Legals matter.

Whocansay · 25/06/2013 08:53

Just propose to him.

Just be aware that if you choose to give him an ultimatum, you have to be prepared to follow it through if he says no.

StuntGirl · 25/06/2013 08:56

Ask him yourself if you really want to be married. Stop waiting around working yourself up over nothing.

OhDearNigel · 25/06/2013 09:04

arguing over what is, essentially, a piece of paper

Marriage is a lot more than a piece of paper. If it was so trivial why would people be so reluctant to do it and take their time not to rush into it ? Its also a piece of paper which carries legal rights - especially with a military partner. Op wouldnt have the entitlements that a military wife would.

hamilton75 · 25/06/2013 09:16

Just ask him! at least you would know where you stand.

If its that important to you then go with the ultimatum after having a proper conversation. I don't understand the replies that say are you really willing to break up a happy home just for the sake of marriage - to my mind that applies equally to the bloke who won't marry!

I don't buy the name thing though. Plenty of married people have different names (I kept my mine and so do the kids) that doesn't mean much. The legal position that comes with marriage however is very important though especially with kids involved.

DontWannaBeObamasElf · 25/06/2013 09:21

My partner and I have been together for 6 years and have a 7 month old.

We'd love to get married but it's just not a priority right now and we have to decorate the house, get a new bathroom, a second car and stuff for the baby.

I've given up caring when it happens as we know it will happen.

YANBU to want it but speak to him. That's the only way to find out what you both want.

YABU to give an ultimatum. Do you really want him to feel forced and pressured into it?

pictish · 25/06/2013 09:31

I'm feeling a bit torn should I consider leaving DP and eventually finding someone to be with that wants marriage

Of course you shouldn't!!You would seriously consider taking your child away from his father, just because you haven't got a ring on your finger? What the Hell sort of madness is that?!

it's more about me thinking if I want to be in a relationship that's not going to progress any further

A relationship that's not going to progress any further?? You have a CHILD together, and that's about as much commitment as you can have!! Wtf?

flowery · 25/06/2013 09:34

I wouldn't issue an ultimatum, in case in the event you don't want to go through with it.

You need to have a conversation like this:

"I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I hope you feel the same about me. But I want to get married. What do you think? Shall we set a date?"

If you ask him straight like that, you should get your answer and can make an informed decision about your own future.

Groovee · 25/06/2013 09:34

Why can't you ask him to marry you?

DorisIsWaiting · 25/06/2013 09:35

I hink you need to give him a time limit. You have waited for 8.5 years and this obviously means a lot to you BUT you need to understand that the conversation will have consqunces and can not be unsaid.

As an aside if he is forces who is nominated as his next of kin? If anything happened to him would you be entitled to his benefits?

flowery · 25/06/2013 09:37

It's not just a piece of paper and its not just a ring. Marriage offers a lot of protection for women, and if he is not concerned about that, that would ring alarm bells for me.

If he gives a good reason why he doesn't want to actually get married but takes immediate steps to put in place as near as equivalent legal protection, that's a bit different I think.

I don't know anything about the military, but if anything should happen to him, might there be some kind of widows pension or similar that a partner would not get?

LEMisdisappointed · 25/06/2013 09:39

We arent married I would have liked to but he really didn't want to scared it would change things. We have been together 21 years. I find it hard to believe you would leave the father of your child who you love? Because he wont marry. Is marriage more important than the person?

jessjessjess · 25/06/2013 09:48

I don't believe in time limits. I think they're rude and patronising. I'm also not convinced the OP's DP does know how she feels. Have you ever sat down and told him what you've told us? As with sex, if you want to get married, you should be able to talk to the person you want to do it with.

The fact is you do have a child to consider. And marriage isn't the only way to commit to someone - marriage is important to me BUT it ticks me off when people think unmarried = not committed to you in any way.

Personally, marriage is hugely important to me. I did not want children before I was married. Had we had an unplanned baby, I would still have wanted to get married and my DH knew this from early on. Does your DP know how you really feel? Or does he think that, as you've already got a child, marriage is no longer an issue?

Abra1d · 25/06/2013 09:57

No way would I have a child with someone in the military and not be married. You have so much more protection in the law if something goes wrong. You need to talk to him, OP.

MoodyDidIt · 25/06/2013 09:58

op this might sound harsh but if i was you i would seriously be questioning dps feelings, it seems he has drifted into having a dc with you and is not that arsed about getting married to you. if he wanted to marry you he'd have asked you a long time ago. you have been together AGES!

i think if men want to get married to someone, they know almost immediately, and propose within a year or 2, at most. my now dh proposed after 18 months and had been hinting for at least a year before that, that he wanted us to get married.

i think any longer than that and if they probably don't really want to. well, not to the person they are with anyway

thats just my opinion though

DontWannaBeObamasElf · 25/06/2013 10:03

Moody I see where you're coming from, however finances have prevented my partner and I from getting married. Every situation is different.

I just don't like the thought of anyone thinking that we're just plodding along because we had an unplanned pregnancy.