To think she is asking a little to much of me as a bridesmaid?

[ovenbun]

I feel super unkind writing this and may need a MN slap for it but I am getting a bit tired of my dear friend's expectations of me as a bridesmaid.

Firstly can I say I am so very pleased and happy that she is getting married and I do genuinely feel lucky to have been asked and very very happy to be part of it all :) I think i might have facilitated the problem too by being so happy and enthusiatic ...and now i feel very guilty that my enthusiasm is waning as im finding it all a bit hard work..we have been preparing for over 2 years and even when the wedding was 2 years away we went away for my husbands birthday n she brought massive files of wedding stuff for us to work on..and expected regular trips of all of us to wedding fairs, girly wedding prep evenings with the bridesmaids..i didnt see it as an issue at the time but my husband has said lately 'thats where it all started'..

I have been grated by comments/expectations such as 'you have to commit to a dress size' someone innocently said that the potential brides dress complemented the bridesmaids dresses n she launched into a big rant 'they are there to complement me' (true but no need to spell it out) and just general narcissim really...its so disheartening because i love her so much but this stuff is spoiling our relationship.

The thing i find most hard is i am also bridesmaid for two other close family members while she has been planning (long engagement) and she has been quite disparraging about their weddings even to the point of making quite an unkind status about the weather on one wedding day..and making a big deal about her wedding (a hairstyle practise night, dress shopping and a preparation evening) all in the week leading up to my family members wedding...bear in mind her wedding is over a year away.

wedding dress shopping...we have monthly appointments to attend with 1 or 2 shops each time to 'last it out',,she expects a large group of extended family n friends to attend each of these, we have even had to ring wedding shops to see if we can skype people in...the time in the shop is magic n she looks so beautiful i do really love it, but afterwards we are all expected to only discuss the wedding and to spend a long time going through many photos of her in each dress,
(from 2/3 different cameras). I once made the mistake of asking another bridesmaid how her son was doing in his exams (on the way home from the shop) and the bride interjected with 'he will look so handsome in his suit for MY WEDDING'

Their wedding is well over a year away and i am expected to give at least two days a month to things like prerparation evenings which are lovely but focussed on making things for the wedding, compiling the several wedding files (kind of like a library of 100 mood boards), pinning to the 6 wedding themed shared boards she has made on pinterest etc.

the latest is that we are all expected to attend a '1 year before the wedding' celebration meal at an expensive place...she has said she understands if its too much money but I just feel so pressured...I want to be there but not to bash other peoples weddings or to be measured on my topics of conversation..

I can't address is with her can i? or it'll make her feel sad and like im not interested which isnt true at alll..i just find the intensity of it all a bit tough...god im a horrible person aren't I? Help!

ovenbun seriously, have her over for coffee and do tell her how worried you are about her. Treating it as a concern rather than an attack will lessen the blow considerably.

Remind her of what you used to do together before the wedding and tell her that you are frightened she is becoming over-whelmed with it so much that it's taken over her life. Ask what her major worries and concerns are as she might have a real fear and be over-compensating for it.

Don't compare it to your own wedding, but do hint that you need to spend a little more time with your own husband and that you may even be planning children in the near future but that your time is so taken up with her wedding plans that you and your husband don't have much time left to devote to your own families or to each other.

Be honest and say that it's getting a bit too much for you and if you feel burned out, you are worried that she is going to be exhausted with it all.

She might dismiss your concerns but I bet she goes home and has a good think on what you've said. Who wouldn't?

I agree time your pregnancy so the due date clashes with the wedding

My bride was not CW. Frightening that she wasn't a one-off though
FrumiousBandersnatch she wasn't even bothered that the groom was wrong, because he was completely incidental
to her princess day

^^
I was about to say exactly what Therhubarb said.

I would invite her out to lunch (make her feel special - possibly say that you want to talk about the wedding) and tell her that you are genuinely concerned about her and the focus she is putting on the wedding. Remind her that it is an important day, but just one day. And that you're worried about her feeling really down afterwards and getting completely burned out by the day itself.

Tell her that you love being involved in her excitement and happiness but that you have other commitments, as do other people and that you can't commit to quite this much planning.

I think sadly though, she will probably take everything you say the wrong way - because she sounds massively narcissistic so will probably assume that because you want to live your own life (god forbid) that you aren't interested in hers.

One day she might wake up and realise just what an arse she has been.

A serious suggestion, would she consider working as a wedding planner? If she can get as excited about other people's weddings it would let her get her fix without driving her friends and family crazy, and she'd be more likely to cope once her own wedding's over.

I would have bowed out of being bridesmaid by now. She is going to have serious expectations of her hen bash and I doubt you will meet them!! She sounds awful and very entitled now way would I expect people to commit to 2 days a month!

No not now

She sounds like such a nightmare! I think seeing this completely insane side of her will change how you feel about her, especially if you have to deal with another year of it, so I wouldn't be to anxious to preserve the friendship because "she's usually lovely" - it's more likely that this self-centred diva is the real her and you just haven't seen it before. Cut your losses and tell her you can't attend any more wedding outings before September.

You should turn this into a novel. It is like something by Sophie Kinsella.

If your that close why don't you st down and have a chat about it

Wow, and I thought my bridezilla took the cake! You've well and truly topped all my brideszilla stories. Hope your chat with her Goes well. Mine went so far into the zone that my gentle attempts at lightening the mood had me accused of insurrection!

Wow. She's going to feel so flat after the wedding

I wonder how dinner is going I hope she says something

Given the success of the "baby's mother gift list" saga I think everyone should feel inspired to tell their friends the truth gently.

You sound like a lovely friend OP hope you manage to find a way of getting through to her.

Lets hope the groom doesn't get fed up if her controlling & dump her before the wedding otherwise you will be expected to hold her hsnd through it all.

What an overbearing control freak, you sound like a lovely thoughful person whereas your friend is inconsiderate. What is she going to do once the wedding is over? There will be nothing to focus her energy on...oh wait a minute her marriage. That sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

You are not being unreasonable- she's lost it from the sounds of things! At be she's feeling insecure about the wedding so micromanaging to make up for it!

She's going to be be so down after the wedding. Or its going to stress her out and she will have a melt down on the actual day because people aren't behaving the way she wants or something else equally trivial.

Oh my god, poor you! What patience you've had. And actually, bless her, poor her - sounds like she's setting herself up to fail: no day - unless she is having a polygamous wedding to Gabriel Byrne, Ryan Gosling, David Beckham AND the young Russell Crowe, held in Richard Branson's space ship whilst orbiting the earth - can possibly live up to all of this palaver!

I think the advice up above to talk her down gently is very good as it's win-win for you, either she calms down or she sacks you - either way it will help preserve your sanity, if nothing else!

Actually it's "polyandrous" in this case, innit? Anyway, you get the point!

Right, truly madness and yes you have to do something now, especially as you do value her friendship.

Has she hired the daft planner to the stars from the baby naming grabby thread and if so enquire if doubleshotespresso has considered hiring out her services as a interventionist for when good people go nutty.

Good - no, great - idea, Fantail!

Best thread I have read all evening, thank you. Your friend is a total and utter loon and I have never heard of such nonsense. Is she an A list celebrity?

Does the groom-to-be realise how bonkers she is? He would think twice, I suspect.